Back to square one again!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by exhausted, May 27, 2012.

  1. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    difficult child is gone again this weekend. Still no court date (its been 2 months since she stole her brother's car-the wait is hard on us all). She lost he job almost 2 weeks ago. She was angry at a coworker (as usual) who would not get off her back, didn't like the bosses response when she asked for help, so she left work.

    She took my debit card and got $80.00 out of the bank. I have no idea how she got my pin. She got my card when I showered (my guard is down, that is usually locked up). I never write my pin down, have been careful not to use it in front of her???? She also hacked into my new Nook. I am glad because she left me full access to her facebook. So after loosing her job, she has been contacting the old boyfriend (who is 8 years older), sexting scary gang looking guys, and the friend who supposedly has it all together, asked her to sell her some of my tramodol (which I use a few times a year when my RA is unbearable). I don't know how she even knew about it. We usually keep the closet locked with the drugs and cleaners. This friend who also swore to me she did not use MJ when I met and yes, I interigated her, couldn't wait for difficult child to come over with a "bag" about 2 weeks ago after difficult child was paid. As is true with most of difficult children friends they are too old and not people I ever feel totally good about. I have no control however.
    We were able to track her down as her ride's car had stalled and get the card back. She was ugly....gave her dad the bird, swore at us and told us she didn't give a _____. She wanted to get her stuff and move out. Her dad said, "Do it".

    She called asking for her stuff and told her no. WE purchased it all, she was a minor and we were responsible for her ,she had to wait until 18. She screamed, "You can't go back on your word, dad said I could." Go back on our, her word never means a thing. She threatend to use force or whatever it took to get her things. We called the police and as usual they can't do anything about the money, they did file a harassment charge. They called her at the last number she called me from. No word back so I bet they didn't answer the phone. She did not show up-2 night gone now. She is in her usual place 30 miles north with older, slutty, girls. I will get the call to ask for a ride. I will not get her. She can use the money she stole to by a $5 ticket to ride home. Of course that money will be gone because she used it to buy pot so she had a place to stay-these people don't care about her in the least, they use her and encourage her to steal from us. I'm tired and sick of this. I know we are in for such a long haul with this kid. When she flips into this pscho-mode, it is scary. She has little desire to accept her mental illness and heal. Strength please!

    She just started with a new therapist-has a 2nd. appointment on Tues. I dont know if she will be home or not. She cannot handle stress at all. She cannot handle being told what to do, how will she ever hold a job for more than a few months? I wonder if she is beginning to try other drugs? Why wouldn't she if she is hanging with people who want to buy her mother's tramodol?
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I am just so so sorry. Sending you love, care, hugs, positive vibes, and hoping for some moments of peace. I hope she stays safe and will go to her therapy appointment. <3
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh exhausted I am so sorry. We live on this awful emotional roller coaster and their psyco tirades and it is so difficult to deal with. My difficult child does the same thing when she doesn't get what she wants or feels cornered and desperate. It does sound like there are other drugs involved that are making her act this way. The stealing, demanding, out of control behavior is not just from pot. Her older friends raise eyebrows for sure. Don't believe anything her friends tell you, they lie to cover for them.

    I feel for you so much because I have lived with exactly what you are going through. It's easier now that she is not living here but we still have those psycho moments and I have nightmares over them. You have been through so much wirth your difficult child and her mental issues make it so much worse.

    I'm glad your husband seems to be on the same page as you and supportive.

  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I'm so sorry.

    Just out of curiosity - what is "her stuff" that she wants that you did not let her have? If it was just some old bedroom furniture, I might have let her take it and leave...just to save the daily battling. (but of course, I don't know where you are or what the laws say about your level of responsibility if she leaves home).
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have no words of wisdom Exhausted, simply one mom's empathy and care coming your way. I am sorry you are going through this. I was reading your other post about how the usual enabling tactics may not be the road one takes when dealing with mental illness. I agree with you. I've weighed all the options, educated myself about my own codependency issues, have done my own personal therapy to understand where my boundaries are and how to emotionally detach, and I think the biggest piece, accepting my difficult child, accepting 'what is' .............and then made choices accordingly. All our difficult child's are unique, we are unique, we all have to come to our own place of peace in our own way. It is quite a challenge.

    In my group the other night, the therapist was saying how the sickest person in the family, be it mental illness, substance abuse, or whatever, is the one who controls the family, the one with all the power. That is why detaching is so important, so that the rest of the family can begin to heal and get out of the chaos. However, there is more to the story, in my opinion, there is how do you work it out inside your heart about our difficult child's, our children who are out there in the world without the tools or the healthy brains to get them through life. Sigh. I don't believe there is one answer, only many questions. We all have to find that fine line of loving them and yet letting them go, helping them but allowing them to function on their own, accepting them for who they are yet acknowledging that we cannot save them from themselves.

    Our journey as parents has so many mine fields which can blow at any time, as your name implies, it is exhausting. I don't have an answer, what I have is empathy, understanding, appreciation for the tough choices you have to make, compassion for your daughter and the dark road she finds herself on, compassion for you for your broken heart and my prayers and very warm and caring wishes that you find your way to peace. Big giant hugs to you from my heart to yours.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Wait a minute. The cops said they couldnt do anything about the money she stole off your debit card? Thats not true. Well maybe they cant right now but you can. Go to your bank and file a report with them that you didnt make that withdrawal. They will pull it up and find out who did and you file a fraud report and they will arrest her for bank fraud. is the same thing as forging a check. You didnt give her permission or give her your pin. You will have to file that forgery affidavit in order for them to give you back that money if your card is backed by VISA or Mastercard but they will go after her for fraud. Trust me, I have been to the bank and gone through this. I am the one who charged Cory with three counts of forgery.

    You can do this.
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I really understood this in a big way just this week when difficult child was calling me over and over screaming obscenities and putting all sorts of nouns and adjectives together to describe me that I have never heard before and still expecting me to buy her black shoes for works. In the past I would have gotten very upset and refused to do whatever it was she wanted me to do. But I talked to husband from work and she was calling him doing the same to him and he was not upset and I realized there was no point in getting upset or fighting. She needed the black shoes for work and she was desperate and if I wanted her to have a chance to keep the job I had to get them for her and if I wanted to prove a point or be vindictive or try to push her to bottom I wouldn't. I calmly and rationally decided I wanted her to keep the job so I met her at the store and bought her shoes. It was the first time ever I think that I saw her in a different way and was able to see her for who she was, a terribly dysfunctional young adult who had none of the tools needed to get along on her own. I was strangely calm and had no anger towards her.

    Last edited: May 27, 2012
  8. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I don't know about going to the bank, but I do know that police in Utah are almost use less when dealing with anything family related. They say its a family issue and won't do anything. Maybe if you get the bank involved the bank could get them to do something. I've only heard of one exception (American Fork police) and I don't think they live in that city.

    I'm sorry she is going through this yet again. And she was doing so well for a little while.

    How long until she is 18?
  9. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I've been down that road too, where the so-called friends who I thought were PCs were really two-faced, just like my difficult child. How many times I've had those kids over for dinner, taken them to ball games, movies, makes me sick. I know I felt like I was played and betrayed, and just wonder sometimes if there's any decent people in the world. Felt like such a fool when I was trying so hard to be a good person. So sad.
    When reading your current post, I was just wondering if you'd be able to send her to any kind of residential treatment place where she would really get the intensive therapy (and you'd get a break) she needs? Would that be a possibility for you, since she is still a minor and you can kind of force the situation?
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, I believe that's acceptance. The anger goes away. I am very glad to hear you say that, big hugs to you.
  11. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Thank you everyone.
    Calamity-she has spend 2 and a half years in intensive residential treatment at 2 different centers. One was DBT (prefered Borderline (BPD) treatment)

    Janet-the police stink here and so do the juvenile laws. We have more kids per capita than any other state and so our schools and JJS are under funded. The police know it and also know they will spend so much time coming to certain houses over and over-they try to make you feel like trash and that they can do nothing. (I have it on inside authority that they had a meeting about difficult child and were instructed to offer no help unless she finially did a felony. So they refuse to transport her to Youth Services -we can't because she tries to jump out or pull the steering wheel), they will file a charge if they have proof-takes months to go through court. Refuse to do anything about running away or truancies (kids all over the streets and malls), because the laws don't support anything they can do. There is finially a crisis team for the mentally ill. 1 team for a large city!!! At my family meetings only one family has gotten on the list to be served when needed. State funded intervention is minimal for girls. difficult child waited 3 months to get one of 14 beds at the DBT place. She had to wait in DT because none of their other holding places are lock down. As for the bank-been there. They won't do anything for $80.00 bucks, esp. since it is our daughter. $20.00 more and bingo (difficult child knows).

    DF-we cannot kick her out or enable her to go until she is 18. If we do, we will have abandonment charges filed. Especially since we are due to see the judge. Not sure how I feel about that given her level of functioning right now which is about a 45 and she could be admitted based on that. She wanted her clothes and basics. When she hits 18, we are glad to give it all to her and see if she can do it on her own.

    Recovering-I like what you said. I do believe I have acceptance for her MH issues, the trouble is, she is a teen and you just don't know how severe, or what she might be capable of. Can she finish college? Can she hold a job? Can she heal? Will she be one of the lucky Borderline (BPD) people who are functional someday? I have detatched as much as a mother can from a minor. I don't worry all night when she runs. I say a prayer and move on with my plans. I don't control her friends or decisions because I can't. Trust me, just months ago I would have been messaging these idiot friends and confronting and....and... I am working on peace. I don't know that I will ever be in a zen state-not who I am. I appreciate your comfort and sharing. I will eventually be better at detachment. Each day-one at a time :)
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh Exhausted I am so sorry you are going through this. I do think it would be a good idea to talk to the bank and say it was unauthorized use of your card and see if they can file something. I know how hard this is but it may be time for the system to get invovled. With her still being a minor there are things they can do still.... once she is 18 it gets harder to force any kind of tx but easier to kick them out of the house.

    I have been thinking about the enabling and detachment thing. I think for me I had to get to a place where I not only thought about my own sanity but I also thought about the long term consequences of my actions. I came to the conclusion that with my difficult child that him living at home, behaving the way he was behaving, he was only learning that nothing he did mattered, and that he could defy us with no consequences. My realization was the world does not work that way and I did not want to give him the message that it does because it doesn't. Later on when we let him be homeless (hardest thing I ever did) it was a similar thing. I realized he would never go for help as long as he could keep getting us to pay for things, or pay for the next sober house... that we had to let him really face the consequences of his actions and that meant being homeless. That by not doing that I wasn't saving him, I was just prolonging things. The only way he would get help of any kind was when he had no other options.

    That has been true for him.... I can't say what it is for other difficult children. I do know though that I had to get to a place where my actions came from a place of love (even if it didnt feel that way to him) and also a place of letting go and letting him take control of his life... no matter how bad his choices are.

    It is a hellish ride though.

  13. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    She's still not home and no FB posts since Staurday. She doesn't have her medications. Getting worried. 4 nights now.
  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh exhausted.... I have been there with worry and I am feeling it for you. It is an awful place to be. Dont try to get much done today BUT do some things you like to do and are distracting!!! Hugs. I hope you hear from her soon.

  15. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with TL it is a horrible place to be. The pit in your stomach must be burning a hole. I am so very sorry. If you would just hear something, anything, it would be better than this nothing. I'm holding your hand exhausted and praying with you that she is safe and you will hear from her soon.

  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so hard to be on the sidelines waiting for the other shoe to drop, my heart goes out to you. Most of us here have probably been there, so we understand the anguish and worry. Hugs for you. I hope you hear something soon.
  17. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I'm praying for you, and her.
  18. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry difficult child is spiraling. Am sending strength hope and a prayer that difficult child will come to her senses soon...that you will hear from her and that she will get to the therapist today. Sure does sound scary and unnerving for you.

    Hugs and love,
  19. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Exhausted: I sure hope that you hear from her soon. I am praying for you both. (((HUGS)))