Back to square one

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by LeaMac, Nov 11, 2018.

  1. LeaMac

    LeaMac New Member

    My 29 year old daughter called yesterday, and I answered- I haven’t communicated with her in months. It was deja vu- she was pleading for money, a room, to come stay here with her boyfriend. She s cold, she’s hungry, she’s going to die from hypothermia, none of her friends can believe how awful we are to deny her help. She glosses over the fact that we have already gone the route of setting her up with a room and paying the first few months rent,after rehab # 1. She minimizes the times she broke into our home and stole from us, or broke down our bedroom door when she was still living at home. The times we paid off her credit cards, got her a car, etc. etc.

    I foolishly hoped that after her second stint in rehab last winter she would get it together, especially as she wanted to get her baby back out of foster care. I blocked her from my phone, but my husband couldn’t quite bring himself to do so. We didn’t hear much over the summer, but come September the begging started again, along with her insistence that she’s doing everything possible to put her life back together. Then we got a letter about her court hearing- she had met none of the requirements stipulated by Child Services, and tested positive for amphetamines.

    I told her yesterday that I am simply too old for this anymore, that I’m under doctors advice to have no contact until she has been living responsibly for at least a year. She doesn’t get it , and doesn’t care. I am scared she will try to come here, though we now have a security system and a restraining order against her.

    Fortunately, I am further along with letting go than I was a year ago. I have a life I very much enjoy, and continue to see a therapist to deal with the guilt. But as you all know, it’s still very hard. She is our only child, but she’s a complete stranger now, and I struggle to find the meaning in all the years of her happy childhood.

    This site is invaluable to me. I find such reassurance from the commonality of our situations, to know I’m not alone.

    Hugs to all
     
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  2. Shelwith1L

    Shelwith1L New Member

    Good Morning,

    I feel your pain and live with the struggles that you are experiencing. I have a 33 year old son who continues to struggle with addiction (choice of drugs, heroin, benzodiazepines, and crack cocaine). In and out of rehab and multiple arrests. He has been homeless for a few months, and this is his first winter on the streets. He is living in a tent with another addict. He contacted me 3 weeks ago asking for some warm clothing and socks. He only calls when he wants something. I took a large bag of warm clothes and a blanket to him and the other addict. The bag of clothes cost me a whopping $3.00. I got the clothing from a local church flea market. I wasn't buying anything new because he sells or trades everything for the drugs. I did inform my counselor about this because I didn't want to enable him, truly wanted to help with keeping them warm. I know that he needs to "figure it out". I've been involved with many support groups and see a counselor to help with keeping me in line as well. Three days later, he contacted his grandmother asking for more clothes. He said the rain ruined them. She told him no. He then reached out to me via text and asked me to call him. I text "No". I haven't heard from him since. I guess that bag of clothes may have been some leverage or even items to bargain with for obtaining drugs. I have a feeling that with holidays approaching I will be hearing from him again. He will be expecting Christmas gifts and birthday gifts. His birthday is the day after Christmas. For the first time he will be told that he is not welcome in our home while he is active in his addiction. I'm working on keeping my feelings in check and to keep the guilt from creeping in. I need and want to live again. I don't want his addition killing me.

    You sound as if you've come a long way from where you were 1 year ago. I find that my relationship with God has kept me strong. As time passes I find new strength that I never knew I had. I find this site invaluable as well. I know that I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing.

    :staystrong:
     
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  3. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. When I first established boundaries my daughter lost her damn mind. She would call my cell and house phones repeatedly, leaving screaming messages, etc. I would turn them off so she couldn't call. I'm sure the only reason she didn't come to my house is that I live out in the country. She can't bring herself to drive 25 minutes out here. It's very hard to see them destroying their lives. As a parent our instinct is to help them, no matter how old they are. It's very difficult to see the way addiction turns them into selfish monsters. My parents have always done so much for my daughter. Most recently they bought her a car and a laptop. They pay for a very expensive private school that my granddaughter attends. They are very elderly and are having end-of-life health issues. My daughter couldn't care less- she never calls them or thanks them for anything. She makes no effort to see them, and while they do live a couple of hours away, she never goes when I go. She cares nothing for me or any issues I have and is only nice when she wants something. She views her daughter as an inconvenience. When she was sober she wasn't like this. It enrages me and I have to disconnect a lot.

    I'm sorry you're experiencing health issues, but it's good you are able to hold that boundary with your daughter. I know it's very difficult and heart wrenching. But you will be healthier for it in the long run. I have to remind myself to be kind to myself and treat myself as I would a friend going through this. Do something special for yourself this week. Keep your head up. I'm right here with you!
     
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  4. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I should also mention my favorite policy, which may or may not work for others, is the "I will not keep your secrets policy." My addict daughter HATES this worse than anything, as she is very concerned with appearances. If anyone ever asks me how she is, I answer honestly. Anyone- friends, family, her friends, either of our coworkers, people from the school my granddaughter attends. She gets so mad when I do this, but I told her if she is doing these things she must think they're OK to do, so of course I will tell people. We're only as sick as our secrets, and I intend to be healthy.
     
  5. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    You're not alone. Stay strong. Locks, alarm systems, whatever it takes, you deserve your life.
     
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome to all of you.

    I am so sorry you have to be here but glad you found us. This site and the people on it are truly amazing.

    Why reinvent the wheel? We are all struggling here. We can learn from one another.

    When my son went off the rails after I spinned mindlessly for years not knowing what was really going on I finally found a therapist that specialized in addiction. She helped me form firm boundaries with our son. He needed them as much as I did. Maybe more. This site was also a great source of knowledge and strength for me.

    My son will come back to live with us next weekend after being in a long term faith based program. He has been sober for 14 months. His drug of choice was mainly benzos but he'd use marijuana and alcohol too and some pain pills. We have moved out of state due to my job transfer so he really has a brand new start. I feel that this was divine intervention for many reasons.

    I finally had to put it in GOD'S hands. Both my son and myself. I knew that this was WAY TOO BIG for me and that I could not control it. Not even close.

    The way I look at it there is good in this world and there is evil. It's that simple. Addiction is evil. It tears families apart and destroys lives. We tried everything with our son but God was his answer.

    Keep posting and reading and it will help you find some light in your darkest days.

    :notalone::staystrong:
     
  7. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    RN0441- this is fantastic. The stars have really aligned for him and you. I hope all goes well. A new start away from old habits and people may be just the thing for your son to stay on track. Keep us posted.
     
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    This is not an easy thing we all feel withband RN is correct you are not alone. Not by a long shot.
    My Son is currently in recovery using low THC medicinal cannabis for ADHD. He is attending school and working part time.

    This is a far cry from where we were last year. He was in jail and facing criminal charges and taking a multitude of street drugs.

    Firm boundaries and putting him out of our home led to an opportunity for him to attend a long term in patient rehab program. He embraced the program and has been back home with us since completing it.

    We all need to support each other. There is no one right way to manage and we all do what our hearts can bear.

    This sight and the wonderful people here for me through the roughest times in my life.

    Be strong and continue to get help for yourself. You will need it to survive.
     
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