Back to square one

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Jul 15, 2019.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh Ugh. I hate this roller coaster we are all on!! So we got a call from my son last night. He had walked out of the detox he was at!! Thought he was physically detoxed at this point, and there were some things going on there that triggered a lot of feelings.....who really knows! I am frustrated and disappointed of course. He did not ask us for anything last night and he did call the treatment program he has been in for an emergency meeting today. Well of course he has now pushed back that meeting until tomorrow and did admit to the program eh drank last night. So much for detoxing!! Arghh. I have to say I love this program because they work with him where they are and are keepign the door open in terms of working with him..... it continues to take pressure off of us. I am half expecting him to call me tonight and beg me for food money.....I will say no, if you need to eat work with the program. Who knows. We will see.

  2. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, TL. How disappointing for you. I'm glad you have the peace of knowing he has a place to go when he is ready. Hoping he gets there soon...
  3. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    TL sorry for your struggles. I was married for 30 yrs to an alcoholic. The first fifteen were not so bad but the last half was sheer insanity. For me it was like I was holding my breath every time he entered detox and then rehab. Always hoping this would be the moment of reckoning only to sometimes have himself discharged that same day or a couple of days later. Usually someone “who really had the addiction problem” set him off. When I was living through it I have to say it was pre Al anon and I was not compassionate towards the end. I was frustrated, worn out, despondent and just trying to survive the insanity of it. I have learned a lot and now realize what a very difficult journey this is for the alcoholic. We are powerless to change them. It’s a three fold process that’s spiritual, physical and psychological for their recovery. You can only hope and pray that each time he’s receiving detox and meetings that it’s all working towards the day he finally gets it.

    I will keep him in my prayers.
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    TL. I am so sorry that he left detox. I am glad you are not involved directly. If it is at all possible can you move back a little bit from the blow by blow? It seems to me that it is a hard spot to be in, the powerlessness of it. Do you really need all of this knowledge? Can you confer with the program staff to decide a level of information that would protect you? I mean, if you are not involving yourself directly with your son and his minute to minute decisions and actions, do you really need to know? You matter here too.

    The man I am involved with has been an alcoholic most of his life, quitting for very long periods and relapsing. This was the story of his life. Until one day he stopped. And never drank again. This could be the same with your son. Until he decides one day it's enough. But until then, as long as the program is taking responsibility do you have to be in this for the twists and turns, stops and starts? Does it help? Maybe our role is something different.
  5. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I'm sorry, TL. It's so frustrating to watch them take 2 steps forward, only to take 1 back. I know relapse is very common- it has happened with my daughter, who is sober now (likely because she's pregnant) but I know that could all change tomorrow. Sending peace to you. I hope he make good choices for himself.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So sorry to hear this. I agree with Copa. Take a giant step back if at all possible.

    When my son was in Florida - he was sent there from our home in Chicago to do sober living after being in rehab here (at age 20) - we thought it would be sober living and then going to junior college - it ended up being the Florida shuffle. In and out of rehab and sober living. His drug of choice was pills (mostly benzo but some pain medications). He even overdosed once while there but we did not know about it until after the fact.....

    Anyway my point is that I had to pull way back from him. I had been in private therapy for detachment and boundaries and in some ways that prepared me for the worst thing that could happen. That my son could die from his addiction. I had to face the worst possible outcome so that I could get a grip on where we all were in his addiction. I had to do this to protect myself. I learned that I needed to do that on this forum and it was further verified by my therapist. I could not in any way control any of this. How do you watch someone you love hell bent on destroying themselves and not lose your frigging mind?

    My son is much better now (thanks to God and only God - my prayers were answered) but he is not where I would like him to be yet but I feel the threat of death is no longer there which is huge for me. He still has a long way to go and I definitely have PTSD and anxiety from everything we've been through and in the end, it didn't help him (or me) at all.

    We really, really need to take care of ourselves. We aren't 20 year old that can bounce back from things like we used to be.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Well I am now having a hard time taking that step back. My son did not contact the program today and since they technically discharged him when he went to detox he is not currently in their program. If he goes in they will readmit him to their outpatient program but until he goes in they cant do anything. I get that and now I feel a bit out in limbo land myself. My son is also not contacting me. I leave on Thursday for a week.I have texted him and hope he will at least respond. The worst case scenarios are playing through my head. I do have a key to his apartment so I may go up there tomorrow if I dont hear from him. I hate the thought of doing that but it will be very hard for me to leave town wondering if he is alive or dead. I really hate this.
  8. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    It's a funny thing that our loved ones with "issues" are not on the same timeline or plan schedule that we have in mind for their recovery. As mentioned before I've been divorced for almost 2 years from my alcoholic husband of 30 yrs. I ran the entire circus jumping through hoops, juggling and riding the roller coaster (only left to be feeling like the clown in the end...LOL but not really) to try to get him sober to no avail. In fact, I learned yesterday that he just got out of detox again. This is his pattern and since he's not a young alcoholic and has been doing this to his body for years and years, he usually can only drink for a few weeks and ends up in the hospital because his body can't take it anymore. The funny thing is that it still pains me when I hear that he's not gotten "it" yet. I wanted sobriety so badly for him and still do. It is so hard for us to try to let them figure this out for themselves because we see the destruction it leaves behind. I know that most of the time I spent worrying where he was and if he was driving drunk, was he hurt, did he fall and bump his head and is unconscious, that it robbed me of time and energy and what did it change? Not a thing..not a darn thing. I learned in Al anon that "I am powerless over his drinking" and the best thing I can do for myself is turn him over to God. After all, it's only my illusion to think I'm charge and can change him or protect him from this devistating disease.. It is very, very tough trying to not worry. I do hope you at least hear from your son so that you know he's "OK" and can leave town at least with that knowledge and peace of mind.
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear TL

    This latest development is indeed concerning. Especially that he is discharged from the program and they are unable to intervene and assist.

    I hope there is news soon that he has reached out to them.

    I really, really feel pissed at him for handling all of this, this way. And his lack of consideration for you makes is stunning (but goes with the territory.) But he seems to ALWAYS find a way back to treatment and support. That is really a saving grace.
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thank you both. One really nice thing happened yesterday. My daughter who is 24 and very together called me. She has no relationship with her brother and has set firm boundaries around not seeing him. Anyway we saw a play with her on Sunday that is really about a pretty messed up family.... so she called and said shed been thinking about me and noticed I was emotional during the play and she wanted to make sure I was ok!! It felt like a turning point in our relationship because she was checking on how I was feeling rather than my just being there for her and she listened and was very supportive when I told her how I was really feeling. Usually I try not to talk about my son because I know she doesnt want to hear it. It meant a lot to me. I talked with her about my plan to drive up today if I didnt hear from him, she gave me some good advice. Wanted to make sure I would call her before and after etc. Anyway right after that call I did get a text from my son that he was safe, and would probably go back soon. I am not sure I believe him, he may just want to get me off his back, but it was a relief to hear from him and to let go at least for the moment the nightmare scenarios in my head. So I am getting ready for my trip tomorrow.
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    TL so glad your daughter realized that you have feelings too and that she acknowledged them and offered her support. That is huge!

    Also glad your son was in touch. Take it for what it is. How far is your son from you?

    Good luck tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Well he called me this afternoon. He is going to go to the residential program to get restarted. They need him to be medically cleared first so he is currently waiting at the ER. I am very relieved, although wont breath easy until I know he is actually there. I told him to have them text me when he actually gets there which may be after I go to sleep. I am leaving tomorrow for a trip and I will have a much better time if I know he is in treatment.
  13. Deni D

    Deni D Member

    I just have to believe at some point he is going to get tired of the merry go round and stick to treatment. It's very good he keeps trying.
    It sounds like you have a great daughter with a good head on her shoulders. To have a close family member who knows all you have gone through and who is there for you is priceless.
  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I have to believe that too. This has neen totally his choice which is positive.
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son kind of did the same thing. In and out and in and out. I really had to work very very hard at detaching because I couldn't take it. In some ways it ruined how I feel about him because I just had to do it that way because I did not want to have an emotional breakdown and I have a lot of blessings in my life. This was my one big burden to carry I guess.

    Our son knew we would not accept him any other way. Maybe that was his final push along with finding his faith.