I have not been on here in a while, but I got some encouragement last time i was here.
My girlfriend (of 9 months now) had an 11 year old difficult child, and we are now living together. His father has been mostly absent, and has been allowed to rule the roost with his temper tantrums and violence. In the past 8-9 months he has been visiting his father every other weekend and going to his grandmother's every sunday. The reports we get from them is that he manages his tendencies while there. He is scared of his father and his grandmother's husband.
At our home (I moved into their house), he makes no effort to control himself. He is rude, cusses, steals, takes apart others toys (bikes, scooters, etc.), kicks holes in the walls, and does whatever he wants. When someone says something he doesnt like he calls them a retard and makes gestures and talks weird to try and put the person down (does this to everyone, me, mother, brothers, sister). I have lots of tools, toys, interesting things, etc. he has asked to use most everything and is constantly told "No" (no one is allowed to use them, I am not singling him out), last night I found he was trying to get my $700 RC car going, and stole a $250 handheld gaming system to take to a friends house for the night. This is not to mention he has taken apart my son's bike, saying he is making it better but the good parts appear on his own bike. he has done the same for almost every bike and scooter in the house (6 kids!). I asked him to get out of my room the other night and he flat out told me that he wouldnt, there is nothing I could do to make him and if I tried to physically move him he would call the cops cause I cant touch him unless he is being violent. He steals food, especially "treats" or anything he likes. He wastes food, always serves way more than he can eat and then leaves it where ever he last was. Usually the couch in front of the TV, where he is not supposed to be eating, and laughs at me when I tell him he cant be in there with food.
Things have gotten so out of control and I feel helpless. My girlfriend gets so tired of me going to her to try and reinforce the rules that she starts to get mad at me. When he does get violent/physical I have restrained him (safely) and he is scared of me, but he knows I wont "hurt" him like his father would (even though his father has given me permission, in difficult children presence, to hit him). We have tried time-outs, which only cause grief because that is where he does the most damage to the walls, if we can actually get him to go to the time-out area. and then he sits there and screams, cries, yells, throws things, etc. We have tried grounding to the house, to his room, etc. but when he doesnt feel like being grounded he simply walks out, and when I try to physically block him with my body from leaving his room or the house, I get in trouble for being controlling.
The other night I hit my limit. he stole my bike (because he took his bike apart and lost pieces) and broke part of it when he threw it on the ground. I became very bitter and started treating him very rude (and childish/mocking).
Its upsetting because I feel like none of my concerns are being addressed. He recently got a new psychologist, and during the initial meeting he asked what kind of behavior things we see in him. I had brought up his obsessive behavior. When he sees or thinks of something he will not let it go until it is answered in the manner he wants. I.e. I mentioned the RC car earlier. He has been bugging me ever since he saw it at my house 9 months ago to use it. I have told him no every time, and given 100 reasons why. My handheld gaming device is the same. He does this with everything. Food is the worst. if he knows there is something in the kitchen he wants, and is told he cannot have it, he asks over and over, eventually he sneaks into the kitchen, usually in the middle of the night, and tries to find what he wants. If he cannot find what he is "obsessing" over he tears everything apart. The psychologist says that this is not obsessive behavior, just persistant behavior, and he wont talk about it because it cannot be fixed with medication. His only concerns are things that can be addressed with a prescription. I have asked over and over and over for him to be seen by a neuropsychologist (at the recommendation of this group) as I believe, based on his behavior and other factors (great at math, sensitive to certain sounds, maturity level, etc.) that he is spectrum and possibly needs different medication.
I know a lot of his behavior is because of his odd/adhd, but I cant help getting mad and treating him badly because I know he can control it when he wants to. If he was to say da*n, fu**, or tell his dad to F-off, or call him an
he would be picking himself up off the floor when he wakes up next week. His dad's house doesnt have holes in the walls. No broken windshields or dents in the cars over there. he doesnt sneak food there. This tells me that he doesnt care enough, hasnt been disciplined enough, or something, to not want to control himself.
I think his mother is part of the problem. She allows him to get away with things because it is very hard dealing with the outbursts when he doesnt get his way, but I think thats what makes it worse when she does decide to be strict.She is also very "divorced-mother" to all of them. even though most of the issues in the house are food/treat related, and if it were up to me the difficult child would not get "treats" (or anything he wants) while he behaves like this, she doesnt see them as treats. On the day when I got fed up because I came home to stolen/broken bike, tools in the driveway, scraps of food all over the freshly cleaned garage, etc. He was not allowed to get ice cream (for some other behavior he had earlier that she was punishing him for) but he was given a bowl of whipped cream...
Please, give me some tips, encouragement... I could really use it right now
My girlfriend (of 9 months now) had an 11 year old difficult child, and we are now living together. His father has been mostly absent, and has been allowed to rule the roost with his temper tantrums and violence. In the past 8-9 months he has been visiting his father every other weekend and going to his grandmother's every sunday. The reports we get from them is that he manages his tendencies while there. He is scared of his father and his grandmother's husband.
At our home (I moved into their house), he makes no effort to control himself. He is rude, cusses, steals, takes apart others toys (bikes, scooters, etc.), kicks holes in the walls, and does whatever he wants. When someone says something he doesnt like he calls them a retard and makes gestures and talks weird to try and put the person down (does this to everyone, me, mother, brothers, sister). I have lots of tools, toys, interesting things, etc. he has asked to use most everything and is constantly told "No" (no one is allowed to use them, I am not singling him out), last night I found he was trying to get my $700 RC car going, and stole a $250 handheld gaming system to take to a friends house for the night. This is not to mention he has taken apart my son's bike, saying he is making it better but the good parts appear on his own bike. he has done the same for almost every bike and scooter in the house (6 kids!). I asked him to get out of my room the other night and he flat out told me that he wouldnt, there is nothing I could do to make him and if I tried to physically move him he would call the cops cause I cant touch him unless he is being violent. He steals food, especially "treats" or anything he likes. He wastes food, always serves way more than he can eat and then leaves it where ever he last was. Usually the couch in front of the TV, where he is not supposed to be eating, and laughs at me when I tell him he cant be in there with food.
Things have gotten so out of control and I feel helpless. My girlfriend gets so tired of me going to her to try and reinforce the rules that she starts to get mad at me. When he does get violent/physical I have restrained him (safely) and he is scared of me, but he knows I wont "hurt" him like his father would (even though his father has given me permission, in difficult children presence, to hit him). We have tried time-outs, which only cause grief because that is where he does the most damage to the walls, if we can actually get him to go to the time-out area. and then he sits there and screams, cries, yells, throws things, etc. We have tried grounding to the house, to his room, etc. but when he doesnt feel like being grounded he simply walks out, and when I try to physically block him with my body from leaving his room or the house, I get in trouble for being controlling.
The other night I hit my limit. he stole my bike (because he took his bike apart and lost pieces) and broke part of it when he threw it on the ground. I became very bitter and started treating him very rude (and childish/mocking).
Its upsetting because I feel like none of my concerns are being addressed. He recently got a new psychologist, and during the initial meeting he asked what kind of behavior things we see in him. I had brought up his obsessive behavior. When he sees or thinks of something he will not let it go until it is answered in the manner he wants. I.e. I mentioned the RC car earlier. He has been bugging me ever since he saw it at my house 9 months ago to use it. I have told him no every time, and given 100 reasons why. My handheld gaming device is the same. He does this with everything. Food is the worst. if he knows there is something in the kitchen he wants, and is told he cannot have it, he asks over and over, eventually he sneaks into the kitchen, usually in the middle of the night, and tries to find what he wants. If he cannot find what he is "obsessing" over he tears everything apart. The psychologist says that this is not obsessive behavior, just persistant behavior, and he wont talk about it because it cannot be fixed with medication. His only concerns are things that can be addressed with a prescription. I have asked over and over and over for him to be seen by a neuropsychologist (at the recommendation of this group) as I believe, based on his behavior and other factors (great at math, sensitive to certain sounds, maturity level, etc.) that he is spectrum and possibly needs different medication.
I know a lot of his behavior is because of his odd/adhd, but I cant help getting mad and treating him badly because I know he can control it when he wants to. If he was to say da*n, fu**, or tell his dad to F-off, or call him an
he would be picking himself up off the floor when he wakes up next week. His dad's house doesnt have holes in the walls. No broken windshields or dents in the cars over there. he doesnt sneak food there. This tells me that he doesnt care enough, hasnt been disciplined enough, or something, to not want to control himself.I think his mother is part of the problem. She allows him to get away with things because it is very hard dealing with the outbursts when he doesnt get his way, but I think thats what makes it worse when she does decide to be strict.She is also very "divorced-mother" to all of them. even though most of the issues in the house are food/treat related, and if it were up to me the difficult child would not get "treats" (or anything he wants) while he behaves like this, she doesnt see them as treats. On the day when I got fed up because I came home to stolen/broken bike, tools in the driveway, scraps of food all over the freshly cleaned garage, etc. He was not allowed to get ice cream (for some other behavior he had earlier that she was punishing him for) but he was given a bowl of whipped cream...
Please, give me some tips, encouragement... I could really use it right now
