Been strong too long...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Aug 29, 2019.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I can't stop tearing up. This is not how I usually cope. Sometimes, I would wish I could express emotions better. I've felt angry and frustrated, and I just keep going like the energizing bunny.

    My youngest (adopted granddaughter) has struggled with addiction and abusive relationships. She's back with an abusive guy. This has been on and off for 5 years. He is still legally married, has a child by wife, and that child was put in foster care after birth. The wife's mom is raising the child. Also has another child he doesn't have contact -with an X girlfriend. Both children is about age two.

    He got out of jail 3 weeks ago. Still isn't looking for a job. DGD is, but lost one job, after one day, because of some drama that she felt she couldn't leave him. They are living in a basement storage area at his dad's. Dad is moving out mid October. They will probably be homeless...

    Older DGD suffers from bipolar. Or at least I suffer from her bipolarism. She could care less that her words cut me deeply.

    Older lives at home with us, temporarily, until she gets on her feet. Lol. The first three months she did absolutely nothing. But she did start a job this month, but somehow went thru about $1000. Now, that she has about 6 weeks left before she needs to find other accommodations, she is starting to save. She gets pretty good tips every day. And we have told her we will give her 50% of what she saves for a car.

    She's trying to figure out how much to save... I told her save it all, then take out $5 to 10 out of tips each day. She eats at home or free at her job. We drive her to her job, she lives here free.

    Yet, she is so ungrateful. We are leaving for two weeks in October to volunteer with home repairs in hurricane areas in TX. We don't want her in the house. She is forgetful. She is messy. Plus she might let younger and boyfriend over, which I don't want to happen.

    This is suppose to be a special time with my husband. We put off doing things for 16 years to adopt and raise them. Neither girl will consider community college or trade schools. neither DGD really cares to spend time with us. But they still want us around for rides, food, a place to crash. They are 19 and 21. They can crash at their dads if they have no other options.

    But I guess I finally hit my limit of being strong. I've been crying off and on all day.

    Ksm
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2019
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    KSM I'm so sorry to read this. There is such a thing as the end of your rope and sounds like you've hit it. We did with ours long ago...we put ours out at 19 if you'll recall and it was hard...so very, very hard. But you have to do what's best for YOU now.

    You are old enough to be retired and have a peaceful empty nest. Last time I let son at home I made him give me $ like putting it in a bank until he had enough for a place. I told him he could have the $ any time he wanted...but that would be the day he moved out.

    In the end he was homeless on and off for a good long while. But not forever. He has a place with his wife's(!) family and they are moving back here soon from her home in Colorado. We're worried, but well, what will be will be.

    In my opinion, you should stick to your guns about the move out date for your older gd and you should not let younger in. Your house should be YOURS and safe when you are away.

    Have a good cry. You've earned it. Then take care of you and your husband. Your adult grands can take care of themselves.
     
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  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    With the static encephalopathy, is the 21 year old able to live on her own or will she need a roommate? With bipolar disorder, managing money is very hard. I remember you trying your best to coach her about finances. Is she capable or interested in going to a money management class?

    You posted a few months ago about the 18 year old whose boyfriend went to jail for beating his wife. I know you're concerned for her safety, and so am I. Going back to him is the part that is so hard to understand. It seems impossible to make some women realize they need to leave. Those men are expert manipulators. If I recall, this is the same guy who introduced her to meth. You've tried to make her see why he's toxic, but he's done a brain washing job on her. Trying to tell her she can do better than a married man hasn't helped, either. I wish she would see that SHE matters instead of this loser. She already knows he's an adulterer, wife beater, and dead beat dad. In time, we can hope she sees.
     
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    Last edited: Aug 29, 2019
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    ksm,

    Im very sorry to hear this.

    Nobody could have done a better job than you did to try and give those girls a good start in adulthood.

    It’s alright to grieve.

    It’s alright to live your life now.
     
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  5. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    It's ok to cry and really feel those feelings .Allow the sadness and grief to wash over you . Imagine yourself as a large Boulder in the ocean and the sadness washes over you, in waves, and you let it, and remain standing.

    Sounds like your youngest GD is addicted to the married man as well as substances .She is seeking salvation outside of herself and is grabbing on to anything and everything that she thinks may make herself feel good. It's all fleeting, none of it will work because her answers are all inside of her.

    There is absolutely nothing you can do for her while she is in this confused state . If she doesn't know about Narcotics Anonymous , you may want to mention these 12 step meetings to her WHEN she feels low and calls you in that state. Leave the footwork to her .

    You deserve to find time for yourself now and lavish the love, concern, and care you have given your GDs to yourself now. You are done raising them. It is up to then
    them now. Go on your trip, make her leave the house. It is your home, your rules, your boundaries. And try to keep your mind on you and your needs while you are gone . After raising children and grandchildren , it is your turn!

    Sending much love.
     
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  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Crayola13 - older has an average IQ, and if she could just delay instant gratification, she could pull this off. If she would take advice from me or anyone else, it would make life easier. But, I get the blame for everything wrong in her life. Last week, she walked thru the living room on her way out to leave with a friend. She announces that her friend has to take her dog to the animal shelter as she can't keep it where she lives...and it's ALL my fault! (How is this my fault? Never met the friend or dog and I don't rent any apartment to her!). Because... She wouldn't have to take it to shelter if I would let DGD have it in our home! Never mind that DGD didn't come home for 4 days! And she NEEDS an emotional support animal!

    Younger DGD fell "in love" with this loser when she was 14 and he was 17. Age of consent is 16 in our state. She knows she can come home, but we won't allow boyfriend to stay here. Even if he was the most upstanding young man in town! We have tried to be cordial to him, he has come to our home for brief visits when DGD stops by. Trying to keep them apart years ago...(court ordered) only made her more determined. She says she would rather be homeless with him than live without him in our home. Last year, they were living out of her car until they crashed the car. Then they lived in his moms garage.

    WiseChoices - I like that imagery... I've kind of just had an off day. This life my DGDs have chosen is so far from what I ever imagined. A friend in NarAnon says expectations are just premeditated disappointments. Another friend has a t shirt that says "I gave up all hope and I'm feeling much better now."

    AppleCori - thanks. If I had to do it all over, I would try differently. But I truly did what I knew to do at the time, I tried reaching out to professionals didn't seem to help. The older is such a little charmer snd manipulator that they could never conceive the level of tantrums at home with no witnesses.

    Lil - two nights ago, older did get some envelopes and spread her $ between envelopes. Court fines, car savings, phone bill, medical bill (got turned to collections. I had tried to get her to call the hospital and ask for application for patient assistance. She never did. Now it's turned to collections and it's too late. Same thing for a different hospital. She got the application, but never filled it out! She owes less than $1000. Not bad for an two different ER visits, 2 days in ICU, 2 days in regular room, and a 70 mile ambulance ride. She started yelling she will never get out of debt! LOL. She just wants to spend her $ on going to clubs, clothes and fake nails!

    Ksm
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2019
  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I think the trip will be good for you. You've done what was needed. Sometimes that is all you can do.
     
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  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think the trip sounds great and I love that you are committed to live in a way that makes you happy, with a purpose. I think all of us with adopted children did not and could not have known at the time we chose them, the heartache that could come.

    I have been just now listening to a spiritual talk and the message is that blessing and curse is the current of life, which is G-d and that we learn through the difficulties and challenges we face, which really are the only motivator.

    That every life has their portion of blessing and of curse, and that we can try hard to not get attached or personalize the troubles that come our way. They are not ours. They are just life.

    Like you are turning away from the sadness and frustration with your girls, towards the blessing. Each of us can do that. We can learn how. To exercise the blessing muscle.

    Your girls have their father. Your younger daughter seems caught up. What can you do? Your older daughter seems on her way to move out. Good.

    Who knows what will come? Really, we don't know. We don't have to make this into something bad and sad. Because it will change. They are very, very young.

    I'm like you ksm. I'm a tryer. And underneath all that trying is some sort of calculus that I'm putting quarters in a slot and there will be a payoff. I'm learning finally that life doesn't work that way. The payoff is always present. We can always touch it, find it. It's there now. For you. All you needed to do was to turn in another direction, this time toward the hurricane area in TX. I am learning there is always somewhere to turn toward blessing. Thank you, ksm
     
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  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Copa- your words are a blessing, to me, to all of us. Your reasoning and insight are at a deeper level than where I am at. Thanks. Ksm
     
  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    The envelope system will work pretty nicely if she'll keep it up. But never get out of debt? LOL is right. At one point I sat DS down and showed him our monthly bills - then pointed out that did NOT include things like clothes and food and haircuts - just bills and debts. He'd never realized how expensive life was. They think they can live without consequence. I hope she was at least able to make a deal with the collection agency.

    Big hugs! Take care!
     
  11. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Yes, $100 a month and it will be paid off in 10 months. But I told her to get the smallest monthly payments possible...because life happens. Right now it is $50 to one place and $10 to another. Of course, she's not buying food, gas, car ins, rent right now. For some reason she feels that only keeping $10 of tips each day (usu 6 days a week) is NOT enough money! Wow! My husband and I don't give ourselves an "allowance" that much each week for incidentals!

    I usually keep $20 a week for my incidentals... Coffee with a friend, a magazine, etc. I could afford lots more, but I don't want to! I'd rather save, and do a bath remodel, or a new live seat, or just be preoared for car repairs, or what ever life throws at me.

    Ksm
     
  12. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    One tip that might help with the cost of nail appointments: The local beauty school here charges half of what the nail salons charge. When I get my hair colored, I go there and it's not only cheaper, but the color lasts longer. I would mention that to her as a possibility if there is a beauty school in your area.
     
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  13. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    I am just meeting you, but it looks like several who have been here all have the same to say, which is the reply I would make from what I have read.

    It appears you are doing things right.

    You are involved. You are teaching basic skills that used to be taught in school (I am 69). You are learning as much as you can. You are still doing for others, a great thing to do for your own mental health.

    "What if" is driven by fear of the unknown. Will your house be torn up, will they be using drugs in your absence? That said, it's better for me when I say to myself, use logic, not emotion to make such-and-such decision.

    I have found it necessary to keep special time with my husband sacrosanct. It fortifies our relationship with each other. It fills up our cup so we have the strength to rely on each other when life throws us a curve ball.

    I loved WiseChoices guided meditation. I too felt the waves. It made me feel sturdy.

    Love and light
     
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