Borderline (BPD)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WiseChoices, Apr 6, 2020.

  1. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Does anyone here have an adult child with Borderline (BPD)? I have been wondering for several years now whether DC2 might have it. I took an online test today and answered the questions based on my observations of my daughter and what she has told me and the result was possible severe Borderline (BPD). I am not a clinician and it's just an online test, so I am not putting too much stake into it. If anyone here has experience with an adult Borderline (BPD) child, I would love to hear how exactly the disease manifests in your case. I am looking for examples to compare to my situation.

    Thank you.
  2. FluffyOne

    FluffyOne New Member

    I have a 20 year old that I also suspect has Borderline (BPD). She started self-harming at around 15 years old. She can be fine one minute and go off the next without any perceptible reason why. She started to be violent toward me when she was 17 and her younger siblings - she always tried to pick fights with them and was easily irritated by/jealous of them. She blames all her problems on others and never takes responsibility for her own actions. When she isn't getting her way, she drags other people into the situation telling them half-truths or outright lies to get them to feel sorry for her. She's terrible with money. She hasn't had a boyfriend that stuck around for more than 4 months. She started smoking when she moved out of the house. That's just off the top of my head. We took her to therapy when she still lived with us, but she wasn't interested in getting help. She just blamed everyone else and tried to charm the therapist. THW, she moved out at 18 (went to Job Corps). They put her on anti-depressants (which haven't helped). Psychologists are hesitant to diagnosis adolescents with Borderline (BPD) because of the "stigma". There isn't a medication that treats Borderline (BPD), only medications that treat some of the symptoms. It is extremely difficult to treat, even when the person in treatment is compliant. It is impossible if the patient isn't interested in getting better.
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  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    My son has been diagnosed with so many things but he told me once he thought he was Borderline (BPD). I don't really know what drove him to this conclusion. I am leary of most diagnosis at this point. Anyway i don't think i have enough information to help. I would be careful about online quizzes unless it is attached to a very reliable source. Even the psychiatrist don't seem to be sure a lot of the time.
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  4. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    The psychiatrist I transcribe for won't diagnose Borderline (BPD) in female younger than 21 because he says that the brain has not fully matured until then. That's all I know about it.
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  5. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Thank you, Fluffy and TNT,
    yes, I don't put too much stake into an online quiz. A therapist I saw felt my daughter was Borderline (BPD) which is the first time I heard about it. I read up on it and could not see my daughter in that. But she recommended the book "Stop walking on eggshells" to me and as I read and re-read the material, I started to see the distinct possibility.

    I don't see any physical violence with daughter though. She started cutting, bingeing, and smoking pot August '18. She was 19 at the time. I see the trait of idealizing and devaluing people the strongest. I was her everything and then her enemy. Never got an explanation (I asked) . I see the abandonment fears, perceived and real. My devaluing began when I took a trip to Europe solo and she was at school (she was 19). Threats of suicide and lots of suicidal ideation (unfortunately, this make me hurt for her).

    She says she has depression and anxiety but the medications (she has been through 5 different combinations) do not help. I feel the medications make her aggressive and not feeling about herself or anyone. I see glimpses of my daughter come back when she is off the medications. She always goes back off and then starts again.

    I am wondering whether I have it. I have huge issues with abandonment. I will ask my therapist what she thinks when I see her next Monday. Thank you for your feedback.
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Kay almost surely has Borderline (BPD) although to her she is normal and the world just does her wrong. So she never went to therapy. She was violent as in verbally violent and throwing precious things aimed at us. She self harmed as a teen, probably still does, and gets suicidal and has a very unstable temperament. Mostly she is grumpy which can easily turn abusive. She has abandonment issues, but also abandons people herself. She smokes pot all the time and has done harder drugs. She can be sweet, but only when she wants something. She is a hot mess.

    Borderline (BPD) often coexists with bipolar (I read a lot) and feel Kay is pure Borderline (BPD).

    To improve the person needs serious DBT therapy and Kay won't get any therapy.

    I hope our daughters all get help one day. Blessings.
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  7. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Yes, Busy, I hope that as well. My daughter was in therapy with a bad therapist who reinforced her victim mentality and pitted her against us, her parents, which cannot be helpful. My daughter will only see this therapist and since I would not help with the billing, she stopped going. She only sees the psychiatrist for her medications and comes out with 3-4 prescriptions after a 15 minute talk. And as several of us have observed , medications do not help with the Borderline (BPD). Daughter , unfortunately has refused doing DBT which I would have gladly paid for and I got the excellent work book which she won't open. It makes me very sad. I wish she would get some real help.
  8. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I don't know of anyone who has been officially diagnosed, but there are several people in our extended family who I am convinced have it. One of them has narcissistic tendencies with extreme fear of abandonment. He has no relationship or money skills. He thinks nothing is his fault and that he's God's gift to women. He has grandiose ideas about himself and is a compulsive liar. The other relative I think has it is a true narcissist who will hang anybody out to dry. He has no conscience. He has devastated lives. The other person I suspect has it imagines things and is a compulsive liar. She even believes some of her lies. She truly believes the world owes her and is a professional victim. She's also a con artist.
  9. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    Wise,I read your post and then looked up Borderline (BPD). It didn't seem to fit either of my kids until I read Fluffy's response.
    My daughter started drinking around 15 or so. Kept it pretty hidden from me for awhile. She could have been drinking early than 15. But 15 is when all hell broke loose with her.

    She dropped out of school, started living with friends who's parents drank and used. Became goth, she was white as a ghost dressed in black with black hair. She is a natural blonde.

    She cut herself really bad, all over her body. Just deep enough to bleed and scar. She tried hanging herself but ended up falling and getting many staples in the top of her head.

    Later she slit her wrists and believe it or not, this was the first time I was called to the ER.
    She was under age but manipulative enough to keep me from being called during all this mess.

    Dr.'s believed what she said. I took her to her PCP asking her to be tested for drugs so I knew what I was dealing with. She was 15...
    Dr came back and said he didn't test her, he believed she was not taking anything. WTH!!!!
    I had her hospitalized for a week, that is as long as they would keep her.

    So I have been dealing with this for over 20 years. She is 38 in May.

    Not sure if she had a disorder and started abusing or if she started abusing and became the way she is.

    I know I miss the sweet girl she once was.....
  10. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    OW, my heart goes out to you!!! I cried reading what you have been through with your daughter. I feel all of that. I, too, miss my sweet girl that she used to be so much. My heart is so broken. I am sending you much love!
  11. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    Wise, we do what we can and we try our best. I don't know how many hotlines I called trying to get help. I hit a wall every time.
    My family told me I babied her and needed to bust her butt. If they only knew. I would have given anything if she would have allowed me to baby her.
    She ran away and John Walsh organization found her 100's of miles away.
    She was in the city jail at 16 and told me it was a blast, met a lot of cool people she was going to connect with after she was out. She was only there a week.
    She would always hit me in the head. She said that didn't leave bruises for people to see.
    One day she was my sweet daughter playing soccer, modeling, good in school, popular, funny, caring. She loved animals so much. The next minute she was someone I didn't know and couldn't help.
    But I never gave up. I still love her so much but I cannot be around her. If I knew I could do something to make her better I would at any cost.
    It is a hard for all of us. We all have a story here. We all love our kids. We all want what is best for them. Problem is they have to want it.
    What hurts me the most is wondering if my daughter is even capable of ever realizing she needs help. She sure don't think so at this time.
    I won't stop praying for her and my grandkids.

    But we can survive. I hope you can find some comfort. I am really sorry for what you are going through and my heart hurts for all the broken children out there.
    A mother's love, is a mother's love.

    Much love being sent your way as well.
  12. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    I am almost 100% certain my son has Borderline (BPD). He fits all the criteria and some of the exercises I've seen in the workbook his psychologist has given to him seem to point to therapy for Borderline (BPD). But I can't say for sure because he is an adult and he won't talk about his therapy with me. He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when he was younger, but I don't have any clue what he's being treated for now. (Not that he's going at the moment. Apparently he's fine and doesn't need therapy anymore...)
  13. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    My story is the same as everyone here. My 41 y/o meets all the criteria. I have read Stop Walking on Egg Shells and it pretty much cinched it for me. My sibling is a psychiatric NP and though she doesn't diagnose family, she is the one that brought it to my attention. I always thought bi-bolar (runs in family) but turns out they can have both. From what I hear DBT is showing the best promise for treatment. My sibling says group therapy works best. My Difficult Child is 41 and now pregnant. I think to stay with baby daddy's family now. The good news is she is no longer drinking and I can have a normal text with her. I must use boundaries with her though. She said she didn't have any maternity clothes and she has gained a lot of weight, sent picture, and this is good, she has been bolemic. I feel for you. Your Difficult Child is young. Maybe you can get her into therapy. I wish I would have pushed the point a long time ago. I tried when my Difficult Child was 20. Our church was even going to take care of the bill, but she refused to go. If you have some currency to use to get her to go, I say try the DBT. I think it could help a lot of folks.

    My heart is with you.
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  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I do not have a borderline child but have worked with a number of people with this diagnosis. Never, has the idea of borderline personality disorder come up for me in relation to what you have written about your daughter. Everything you have written points to conflict about separation. But I would never, ever think to proffer a diagnosis about somebody online. And personally, I do not think the rest of us should either.

    I don't think we are served by diagnosis shopping. I worry too. My son was given once a diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder, an extremely serious form of Schizophrenia, and very, very rare, perhaps .005 in a population. I am in the mental health field and have never given this diagnosis. I could not help myself, and several times reviewed the elements of this diagnosis. By this, I did not help myself or my son.

    I don't know why we don't look at the glass half full. Wise. Your daughter is progressing at a rapid rate. First she finished college. Then she got a job. Then she got friends. She has been responding to your limits. She doesn't like it, yeah. But who needs to like it? I would give most anything for half of this, for my son.

    Who knows what she will do next? Go to graduate school? Find a romantic partner? Go get a massage license? Go into horticulture? Decide to work in a foreign country? Start a business? Who knows?

    Personally, I don't think it's fair to our children to seek to diagnose them. I know we are afraid and sad. I am.

    We are their mothers. They depend upon us to rise above our fear. They are served by us, when we hold onto their strengths, so that they are not so conflicted about getting stronger. To cater to our fears does not help us, and it doesn't help them. I give into it sometimes and I try to pull myself back from the edge.
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2020
  15. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    She has not graduated yet. Finishing up this semester though. I agree with your sentiments here.
  16. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    The other two traits I've noticed is that these relatives are highly manipulative, needy, and very attention seeking. They care for no one but themselves. Again, these family members have never been officially diagnosed, but I am totally convinced they are borderline or narcissistic or anti social. They seem to be chaos creators.
  17. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    I haven't been on here in so long I forgot my login info...finally remembered it. I am 99% certain my 21 year old daughter has Borderline (BPD). I think when I first found this website, she was around 17...can't believe it's been that long. My daughter herself thinks she has it. For the last year and a half she and her boyfriend have been living with us. Not sure why we allowed it. Well. Things have gotten ugly since she turned 21. She drinks and becomes verbally and mentally abusive to her boyfriend, manipulative. Tells him she will kill herself if he leaves. She started cutting at 14, we tried therapy for her. Didn't stick. At 15 she got on Zoloft. She traded that for alcohol and pot her senior yr or high school and met her current boyfriend. She dropped out of school and lived with him and at the park.
    Over the years we've tried some therapy, some psychiatry. At 17 we had her do intake interview at behavioral health (she refused to enter program). At 19 years old I got her to agree to do intensive outpatient treatment through a great treatment facility here. She did all the paperwork and then refused to go. In 2018 things were starting to feel better and then our house burned down i the Camp fire. We had to move into town (we were living on the outskirts about 6 miles from town). Thought it would be a new opportunity being in town. Since she doesn't drive, she would be close to everything, be able to look for work or go to community college. Nothing. It has only gotten worse. Today we finally told her she has two weeks to find elsewhere to live. Told her we would be here for her if she decides to help herself. I had to tell her via text since she didn't come home today. She blames us for everything, and her boyfriend. She will not take responsibility for a damn thing. No, we were not perfect parents. We made mistakes. We might have been impatient at times or distracted. We might have yelled at times. We might have not noticed that she needed something because she was quiet and withdrawn and reclusive and thought she was going through a teenage phase. We might have invalidated her feelings sometimes. It's clear now that there will have to be a huge amount of therapy. And sobriety. I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells and When You Love Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Most of everything I read sounds like her but now she's 21 and we have to get her out of our house for our own sanity and that of our 17 year old son. The guilt trip and manipulation she just spewed at me theough her texts hurts so much. by the way there is a great Facebook closed group called Parents of Children with Borderline Personality Disorder. It is very active and I find it helpful.
    Last edited: May 3, 2020
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Strangeworld. Almost all of us here have been in the same spot you find yourself in, recognizing that there is not one thing that has worked to get our children to live better or to do what would help them. Why not move this post to your own new thread, either by copying it, or asking RunnawayBunny via inbox private message to move it for you? I suggest that. I think you will benefit from support as you set boundaries with your daughter. Based upon my own experience, I think it is likely she may act out and that might be triggering to you. It was for me. Take care.
  19. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    Sorry, did I misunderstand something? I was just replying to the thread anout Borderline (BPD). I've been a member for 4 years I believe, I just don't post much. I will most likely be posting more now that I remember my login and also might find the need for much more support soon. Thank you for your suggestion.
  20. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    I have read this too Strangeworld. It seems you have done all that you knew to do, like all of us. We just dont know, what we dont know. I could never get my Difficult Child into therapy, she too escalated at 21 with alcohol, initially. Long story, but she is 41 now and nothing has changed other than she is pregnant for first time. We didnt do it to them, and we cant change it for them. All we can do is set boundaries that protect us so we can be whole for the other people in our lives.

    thank you so much for the FB group info. It is only with the support of others who walk this path with us that I have found the strength and encouragement to care for me.

    Welcome back.
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