Busy Weekend and Babysitting

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DaisyC1234, Jan 13, 2020.

  1. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    Since I've decided, for now, to put the whole guardianship thing on the shelf and I am limiting the time I babysit them. I work full-time and get up early. It drains me and I have to think about me right now. Who knows when the "[email protected]!" will hit the fan and I have to take these girls on.

    So I had both grands Friday and Saturday, then the older grand most of the day Sunday. My daughter asks for help babysitting again tonight until 12:30am. I told her I can only do up until 10:00, I get up early for work. She comments that this job isn't going to work out then. Welp, should of thought of that before you started... This weekend was exhausting, she didn't pick them up until 2:30 am....but she did tell me that before hand, so I knew what I was getting into, so that's on me, but I can't do that everyday.

    My daughter is also on her News resolution kick(@ChickPea). Somebody paid her rent, not sure who, but I honestly don't know or care at this point, it is what it is.

    Someone said a fine line between helping and enabling. There really is. My parents will grab onto any light they see and jump with both feet, thinking they are "helping", but with a stern finger wag, which never works. I see myself as "helping" with the kids. That's as far as I will go, but I do have to limit that also. I do love them, but she's going to have to invest in some childcare. She also has no respect for peoples time. If she says she will be there at 10:30, she'll be there at 12:30. I understand we can get stuck in traffic or whatever, but every time there is some sort of excuse. My dad even makes excuses, oh, she doesn't take the freeway, oh, ok dad.

    Then there is her thyroid issues. She told my dad she's taking pills for it now....bs... there are no pills, but according to him she looks better now....but anyway..

    I told her during the week I can only do until 10:30 twice a week. In our state she can get help for childcare, but again it requires her to do paperwork and jump through their hoops, which is a problem, because she'd rather lounge around rather than get things done.

    My dad will only be staying with us until he figures out what he's going to do, so I'm hoping maybe 3 months or so. They still have to sell their home, so he will only be part-time at our home until it sells. I'm thinking March he will be with us full-time.

    I need me time....so I'm pushing back while I can.
  2. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Your plate is so full. Take that me time and relish every second. Honestly, I dont know how you do all of it. I did the cares for my disabled mom in her late years, but my Difficult Child wasnt Difficult Child during that time. That I knew of anyway, because she moved away. You may not hear this from your people, so let me say it. You are a blessing.
  3. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    On top of all this I'm trying to paint the room my dad will be staying in for a few months.

    Thank you so much I needed to hear this.
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I am so glad to hear you are putting you first!! Self care is an absolute 100% must be done.
    It sounds like you are also setting good boundaries with your daughter limiting the time you will watch her children. Notice how I said her children and not your grand children. Of course they are your grand kids but they are her children.
    A very good friend of mine watches her grands during the day and her daughter pays her. I asked my friend why she charges her daughter and she told me "my time is worth something too" She charges her daughter less than what a typical day care would charge so in that regard, she is helping her daughter and son-in-law out. She also explained that her daughter would have to pay someone for day care anyway and by doing it this way, she is not taken advantage of. She charges by the hour and if her daughter or son-in-law are late picking up the kids then they are charged for that extra time.
    Something you might want to consider.
    Again, I'm really glad you are putting yourself first!
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  5. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Of course. It is truly my pleasure to pay it forward. I hope you can find a way to get some painting therapy. That's another accomplishment you should give yourself credit for doing. One summer while camping in the Rockies there was yet another major crisis with my Difficult Child. I waxed the entire camper by hand. One side each day. Kept my mind and body too busy to think about anything else. Here's hoping you can claim the joy you deserve. A way to go can make all the difference.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Daisy,
    My oh my, your plate is definitely over filled. We can only do so much, our wayward adult kids need to take responsibility for their choices, for their children. I know how difficult this road is to travel with grands in the mix. I had to step back for my own sanity years ago, but was able to keep in contact with my grandchildren. The rest of the story is still unfolding as you know. It is not possible to be everything for everybody without draining our own health and resources. I am glad you are taking steps to make sure you have time for yourself, to keep your strength up. It is entirely unreasonable and unacceptable for your daughter to take advantage of you, time wise and in every other way. I know how that feels. During the revolving door years in an out of our home, our daughter would disappear at times leaving the kids, or lie in bed (impossible to wake up) whilst we fed the kids breakfast and got ready for work, got them off to school. I cringe thinking about it. There is so much more to the story. We focused on the grands welfare, but that just gave their mom more freedom to go rogue. My youngest daughter and son tell me that they didn’t realize how chaotic their lives were growing up with their sisters and niece and nephews comings and goings. In that way, our focus was taken off of our younger two, which was immensely unfair to them.
    The last exodus from our home was a nightmare, my daughter screaming “These are my kids, you have no say, no rights!” echoes in my head, the audacity of that, after rearranging our own home and schedules to help, many times. That ache of loss of normalcy for all of us because of my daughters addiction, selfishness and poor choices.
    My grands saw the disrespect firsthand, I’m sure it was a lesson in confusion for them. I wondered the effect as they saw their parents abusing the privilege to live in our home, taking advantage of us in countless ways.
    I had to step back. It was hard, each time my daughter unsuccessfully tried to leave her abusive boyfriend, we tried everything to help her get on the right track, to focus on herself, her kids. We got lost in the maelstrom of it all. It became a horrendous pattern.
    Looking back, I have to wonder if we had not stepped in and allowed things to unfold to the point where our grands might have entered the foster system earlier, the discomfort of seeing their kids in the hands of strangers, maybe that would have been a turn around point for their parents. But that was not the case. Their parents shuffled the kids between grandparents homes for years, escaping the reach of the system, going further and further off the rails. Their feeling was that it was our job to step in.
    There is something to be said in this story as far as saying no. No, I will not be rescue grandma. There was a woman who was here years back who fell into the same pattern and wiped out her time and savings in the midst of it. I think her daughter ended up having five kids. She relied heavily on her mom, and her mom was sucked in through her love and relationship with her eldest grands.
    Why do these young wayward adults keep having children when they have no clue how to care for them? Is it partly because we grandparents will step in and take on the responsibility? There is a comfort for them in this, knowing their kids are with family. A sense of entitlement. It is a rock and a hard place for us. These are our flesh and blood. We love them. But, how do we get our adult kids to see that we have raised our kids and have our own lives to live?
    When I joined this forum, I was at my wits end and had decided that if my daughter tried to come back, I would steer her towards a DV shelter, and I did several times. It was hard. But I did. It was because the years of “helping” taught the parents nothing, and the kids suffered. We all suffered through the chaos and addiction.
    I am glad you have considered your own situation and have realized that guardianship is not an option. I know it must weigh heavily on you, Daisy. These are your daughters kids, her responsibility. She will have to find her way.
    That is a good thing.
    For her and her kids.
    Your firmness and resolve may help her take on her responsibility to care for her children.
    If she does not, there are other options.
    There is no worse model for our grandkids than their parents taking advantage of us. It breeds a cycle of disrespect and unfair expectation. It is abusive in so many ways and a horrible example of what family is.
    You are doing the right thing, for you, for your daughter and your grandchildren.
    Take care and stay strong.
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  7. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Leafy, I am so glad you are here to help Daisy sort through all of this from a logical approach. I can't imagine the pain the grandparents go through here.

    Love and light to all the grands with Difficult Child adult children.
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    It is a very difficult spot to be in. I would be remiss if I did not add that it is important to keep watch over the littles and their welfare. If things go south due to mistreatment or neglect it is very damaging to their development. I am dealing with that now with my grands. We can not control what others do, but we can be a voice for our grand babies.
  9. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    Thank you so much @New Leaf it so heart wrenching, if it weren't for those girls I wouldn't be so emotionally tied to this whole situation. My grands are 3 1/2 and 2 months. They are well balanced so far. Couch sleeping is normal for the 3 1/2 year old, she should have her own room by now. The spare room that we currently have was hers, but she has to share it with my dad, temporarily, and she's ok with that, she likes sleeping with my dad anyway.

    We don't want anything bad to happen with those kids, but for now they are good. I am just preparing for the day will when CPS or the police will call asking me to pick the kids up.
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    The foundation you are giving your granddaughter is important, you are her North Star.
    I would urge you to start a journal for your grand, the care you have given and any concerns over your daughters ability to care for her children. While you have shared that guardianship is not an option now, it may be in the future, and this will help your grands, if the day comes that they will need an advocate for their safety. I am so sorry you are in this predicament. I wish I had journaled in the past, but we were living in the rabbit hole and just trying to survive.
    Your first priority is your minor child. I can’t emphasize this enough. I wish I could regain those lost years for my son.
    Are you seeing a therapist? I have gone off and on and it has helped me sort through the tough stuff. A counselor might help steer you to develop an action plan in case something happens. Looking back, we were often operating on emergency mode with concerns focused on our grands. This did nothing to stabilize our daughter or teach her that her kids were her responsibility.
    I hope your daughter wakes up to the blessing she has with two healthy children. I hope she is able to overcome her alcoholism and step up. I am sorry you are faced with this issue. It is so very hard.
  11. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    I do have a 15 and an 18 year old still at home. They deserve the happy me. I have yelled at my son for small things because I was stressed out and upset, which I apologized for. He exhibited the same when a friend came over and brought his two daughters over and my grand and one of his daughter were being crazy in his room, he was visibly upset and quietly and firmly said get out, I helped to usher the girls out. I asked what was wrong, he said with almost tears in his eyes, that he will tell me later. He did and said he got stressed out and apologized.

    My 18 year old daughter is such a great kid, she still likes to spend time with me and encourages me when she sees I'm having a difficult time. She got a full scholarship to play golf at a community college.

    I have written down notes in the past to try and document events, but it's hard to find the time to just breath I'll have to buy a special book to do that.

    I do see a therapist about 2 or 3 times a month and he helps me so much and sees things from an outside perspective.

    Thank you!
  12. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

  13. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    I really love this place where I can come and share. It's helped me a lot and I truly and grateful that we can all, unfortunately, share what we have been through and have learned.