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Substance Abuse
Can we stop the train crash?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 758893" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Sunshine</p><p></p><p>I am rushed for time but want to welcome you and respond, however briefly.</p><p></p><p>My son just turned 32. I have been on this forum 5 and a half years. Based upon my own experience the only thing that worked was to get out of the way of the train wreck. This was not only self-serving. It helped my son..</p><p></p><p>I recognize your son is still under age and that you are still legally responsible and at least in theory you have some control. For most of the time after I came here I argued that we as parents of already adult children had moral responsibility still, even absent legal responsibility. And that would be the case with you in your situation. Because your child is still legally a child you have obligations.</p><p></p><p>Yet, in retrospect I see that my own child always had a will of his own that was equally strong or stronger than my own. He prevailed in every single thing. What he wanted to do he did do. I was the roadkill. I suffered. I cannot want even one thing for my son, if he does not want it for himself. That is my reality. And I have seen this borne out in other families of other parents who are here. Had I acknowledged this earlier, and acted from this, suffering for all of us would have been less.</p><p></p><p>I think life is it's own teacher. Your son will have to learn from the consequences of his acts. He is choosing not to listen to you. I think the only operative principle for you is to protect yourself. To provide for him as long as you are legally responsible to do so. You are the person to protect here. If he is acting 100 percent from his own locus of control, without regard to consequences to himself, to others or to you, you need to follow suit. For example, If he is breaking the law you have to protect yourself, not him. For example, if you've signed a contract where drugs are not allowed, he has to either vacate or stop, because you could be liable.</p><p></p><p>I have found that my own locus of control has to be in me. Not in my son. In many cultures young men of 17 are fathers and husbands.. If this is the life your son is choosing, he, not you, must bear the consequences.</p><p></p><p>I am not a hard woman. But eventually I learned.</p><p></p><p>I wish it was easier. I wish our love could carry the day. But I have learned that we can love our children, but need not be consumed with fighting so that they will live well. At 18 they will live as they choose, and bear the consequences. For right now, the only important thing is that you stay protected and insulated by fulfilling your legal responsibilities and your moral ones. As I see it now my moral responsibility toward my son is to make sure that he does not hurt me or my interests. I try to let him know what I think is right or wrong about the way he lives, but I don't put myself on the train tracks over it anymore.</p><p></p><p>I wish it was different. I am sorry.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 758893, member: 18958"] Dear Sunshine I am rushed for time but want to welcome you and respond, however briefly. My son just turned 32. I have been on this forum 5 and a half years. Based upon my own experience the only thing that worked was to get out of the way of the train wreck. This was not only self-serving. It helped my son.. I recognize your son is still under age and that you are still legally responsible and at least in theory you have some control. For most of the time after I came here I argued that we as parents of already adult children had moral responsibility still, even absent legal responsibility. And that would be the case with you in your situation. Because your child is still legally a child you have obligations. Yet, in retrospect I see that my own child always had a will of his own that was equally strong or stronger than my own. He prevailed in every single thing. What he wanted to do he did do. I was the roadkill. I suffered. I cannot want even one thing for my son, if he does not want it for himself. That is my reality. And I have seen this borne out in other families of other parents who are here. Had I acknowledged this earlier, and acted from this, suffering for all of us would have been less. I think life is it's own teacher. Your son will have to learn from the consequences of his acts. He is choosing not to listen to you. I think the only operative principle for you is to protect yourself. To provide for him as long as you are legally responsible to do so. You are the person to protect here. If he is acting 100 percent from his own locus of control, without regard to consequences to himself, to others or to you, you need to follow suit. For example, If he is breaking the law you have to protect yourself, not him. For example, if you've signed a contract where drugs are not allowed, he has to either vacate or stop, because you could be liable. I have found that my own locus of control has to be in me. Not in my son. In many cultures young men of 17 are fathers and husbands.. If this is the life your son is choosing, he, not you, must bear the consequences. I am not a hard woman. But eventually I learned. I wish it was easier. I wish our love could carry the day. But I have learned that we can love our children, but need not be consumed with fighting so that they will live well. At 18 they will live as they choose, and bear the consequences. For right now, the only important thing is that you stay protected and insulated by fulfilling your legal responsibilities and your moral ones. As I see it now my moral responsibility toward my son is to make sure that he does not hurt me or my interests. I try to let him know what I think is right or wrong about the way he lives, but I don't put myself on the train tracks over it anymore. I wish it was different. I am sorry. [/QUOTE]
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