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Can you forgive him forever?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 742323" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Smithmom. I speak only for myself. I love my son. Period. But I have a hard time reconciling myself to the person he has become, in some aspects. There are behaviors that I find hard to accept. Very hard. </p><p></p><p>I see and experience it differently, what you describe. I do not forgive the behaviors. I could say I forgive him but it is not really that. I think I forgive myself. Because the reality is that there is no behavior that will affect really my love for him. That love is in me. It is woven into my tissues. It is non-contingent. It is unconditional. There could be stuff that he does that kills my soul. That I would find unpardonable. Where he would become a completely different person in my eyes. But I would still love him. Because the love is in me, not in him.</p><p></p><p>There is a disconnection between the love and the relationship, that for me, that I am coming to as detachment. The real change does not happen out there, in the world. It is something that happens inside of me. It has not a thing to do with distance, or cutting off, or doing this or that, it has to do with an attitude, and a place that I hold myself...that is detached from results...outside of me.</p><p></p><p>What I realize is this could never change. Or it could. But I will continue to be me, the rest of my life, and I want to be as congruent with love and hope as I can be.</p><p>My son hurts me all of the time. But I do not know if his primary aim is to hurt me or that he is retaliating, because he has experienced hurt and discomfort and frustration or rejection as a consequence of some act on my part. Like a defensive volley.</p><p></p><p>The thing is these adult children of ours, do not sufficiently see us as separate people. In fact, sometimes I do not think they see us as people. More as objects that give them what they want and need. Much more infantile, than it should be at this age.</p><p>I think it differs person to person. There are parents here who have been hurt and abused so badly by their child that one would hope that they never forgive. But I do not think they see it like that (I am thinking of one parent here.) I see them as having defended themselves (rightfully) to such an extent, that it would not be an easy thing to unpack their hearts. But maybe it would, who knows?</p><p></p><p>I think that if your son has hurt you, you need to go about your merry way. He is likely safe where he is. Let him do as he needs to. I do not think you are served by thinking about a response. You can choose to let it all go. It has nothing to do with you or your love. This is all about him. Your love is untouchable, if you choose this way to see it. You own your heart, your generosity, independent of what he does. But will you expose yourself to more hurt? That is the tough one. Do we wait until they show us that we are safe with them? Or do we do the inner work to make ourselves safe?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 742323, member: 18958"] Smithmom. I speak only for myself. I love my son. Period. But I have a hard time reconciling myself to the person he has become, in some aspects. There are behaviors that I find hard to accept. Very hard. I see and experience it differently, what you describe. I do not forgive the behaviors. I could say I forgive him but it is not really that. I think I forgive myself. Because the reality is that there is no behavior that will affect really my love for him. That love is in me. It is woven into my tissues. It is non-contingent. It is unconditional. There could be stuff that he does that kills my soul. That I would find unpardonable. Where he would become a completely different person in my eyes. But I would still love him. Because the love is in me, not in him. There is a disconnection between the love and the relationship, that for me, that I am coming to as detachment. The real change does not happen out there, in the world. It is something that happens inside of me. It has not a thing to do with distance, or cutting off, or doing this or that, it has to do with an attitude, and a place that I hold myself...that is detached from results...outside of me. What I realize is this could never change. Or it could. But I will continue to be me, the rest of my life, and I want to be as congruent with love and hope as I can be. My son hurts me all of the time. But I do not know if his primary aim is to hurt me or that he is retaliating, because he has experienced hurt and discomfort and frustration or rejection as a consequence of some act on my part. Like a defensive volley. The thing is these adult children of ours, do not sufficiently see us as separate people. In fact, sometimes I do not think they see us as people. More as objects that give them what they want and need. Much more infantile, than it should be at this age. I think it differs person to person. There are parents here who have been hurt and abused so badly by their child that one would hope that they never forgive. But I do not think they see it like that (I am thinking of one parent here.) I see them as having defended themselves (rightfully) to such an extent, that it would not be an easy thing to unpack their hearts. But maybe it would, who knows? I think that if your son has hurt you, you need to go about your merry way. He is likely safe where he is. Let him do as he needs to. I do not think you are served by thinking about a response. You can choose to let it all go. It has nothing to do with you or your love. This is all about him. Your love is untouchable, if you choose this way to see it. You own your heart, your generosity, independent of what he does. But will you expose yourself to more hurt? That is the tough one. Do we wait until they show us that we are safe with them? Or do we do the inner work to make ourselves safe? [/QUOTE]
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