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Can you forgive him forever?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 742351" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Smithmom. I seems you are too like me for your own good. I had forgotten the particulars. This is just like my son. Except his parents died. So there is nobody to go after. Except me.</p><p>No. But it is up to you not him whether or not you accept it. It's like hot potato. If you don't catch it, it passes you by. Don't accept it.</p><p>This is vicious and horrible. </p><p>This is a fantasy. Unfortunately you are thinking like me, here. It does not work. The only end to the pain is in you. Not be ending it, by disowning him or closing the door forever. This is both an illusion and rigid and it will fly back into your face. </p><p></p><p>For me, I feel greater peace since I reached out to my son. Yes. I am sad and fearful that one, I am opening the door to more conflict and worry. And two, that he will reject me, because I am not acceding to 100 percent of what he wants, on his terms. I am worried that he will punish me. Because I drew a boundary. I doubt myself because I fear I was wrong to hold him accountable. In other words, I get wobbly and abandon myself.</p><p></p><p>To me, a strong me, would love him, open the door, hold my boundaries, communicate my boundaries, and be open to the possibility of change and growth for the both of us. </p><p></p><p>For you right now, it is harder, because he is closing the door and recruiting allies, which is very mean. In time, when his strategy does not work, he will reach out to you. I am certain of it. The timeframe, I do not know.</p><p></p><p>Your challenge, is to NOT ABANDON YOURSELF. And to draw an arbitrary line in the sand is to abandon yourself. You would not serve yourself by this, I am convinced.</p><p></p><p>When I kicked out my son 4 months ago, after the crisis abated, for a month I felt relief. I felt stronger. But after a month, I died inside. </p><p></p><p>I think I can live with the current risks, which would be he rejects my overtures, because he recognizes this will not work, his coming back, because he cannot secure one hundred percent what he wants, now, and any less is insufficient. Or it could be that he knows like your own son does that he gains power by not giving me what he knows I want and need, which is him. That he is served by my great need of him. And it is a waiting game. That eventually my craving for the drug, will propel me to collapse into myself, and settle on his terms.</p><p></p><p>Which is very like what your son is doing. </p><p></p><p>But why do we have to go there? We love them. They love us. Why can't we let them be, and try to nurture ourselves from a position of strength and self-acceptance, and let them stew in their juices? I mean they are the ones in jeopardy, not us.</p><p></p><p>The question is why do we go to agony? For each of us, the answer is both the same and different. But I believe it is knowable.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 742351, member: 18958"] Smithmom. I seems you are too like me for your own good. I had forgotten the particulars. This is just like my son. Except his parents died. So there is nobody to go after. Except me. No. But it is up to you not him whether or not you accept it. It's like hot potato. If you don't catch it, it passes you by. Don't accept it. This is vicious and horrible. This is a fantasy. Unfortunately you are thinking like me, here. It does not work. The only end to the pain is in you. Not be ending it, by disowning him or closing the door forever. This is both an illusion and rigid and it will fly back into your face. For me, I feel greater peace since I reached out to my son. Yes. I am sad and fearful that one, I am opening the door to more conflict and worry. And two, that he will reject me, because I am not acceding to 100 percent of what he wants, on his terms. I am worried that he will punish me. Because I drew a boundary. I doubt myself because I fear I was wrong to hold him accountable. In other words, I get wobbly and abandon myself. To me, a strong me, would love him, open the door, hold my boundaries, communicate my boundaries, and be open to the possibility of change and growth for the both of us. For you right now, it is harder, because he is closing the door and recruiting allies, which is very mean. In time, when his strategy does not work, he will reach out to you. I am certain of it. The timeframe, I do not know. Your challenge, is to NOT ABANDON YOURSELF. And to draw an arbitrary line in the sand is to abandon yourself. You would not serve yourself by this, I am convinced. When I kicked out my son 4 months ago, after the crisis abated, for a month I felt relief. I felt stronger. But after a month, I died inside. I think I can live with the current risks, which would be he rejects my overtures, because he recognizes this will not work, his coming back, because he cannot secure one hundred percent what he wants, now, and any less is insufficient. Or it could be that he knows like your own son does that he gains power by not giving me what he knows I want and need, which is him. That he is served by my great need of him. And it is a waiting game. That eventually my craving for the drug, will propel me to collapse into myself, and settle on his terms. Which is very like what your son is doing. But why do we have to go there? We love them. They love us. Why can't we let them be, and try to nurture ourselves from a position of strength and self-acceptance, and let them stew in their juices? I mean they are the ones in jeopardy, not us. The question is why do we go to agony? For each of us, the answer is both the same and different. But I believe it is knowable. [/QUOTE]
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