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Can you forgive him forever?
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<blockquote data-quote="Smithmom" data-source="post: 742478" data-attributes="member: 23371"><p>I was a foster parent before I adopted my own. I had kids who thought their horrible patents were wonderful. In contrast, until I was 9 and he died I had a great Dad. Every day he'd tell me how, despite what Mom said, implied, etc I wasn't bad, wrong, ugly, useless, stupid, etc etc. He'd have an excuse like she was having a bad day and I had to understand. So I always knew I was Ok and it was her. And when he was gone I could say all those things to myself. I didn't grow up like some of you blaming myself or thinking she was wonderful. This is where the forgiveness comes in I guess. My father's message was to forgive her, let all the horrible things wash over me and move on. And I did. Until she outlived my lifelong expectation that it would end and I'd be free. At 50 (her age 83) or so I decided that that I deserved a life free from her nonsense. </p><p></p><p>Copa, maybe what you're saying about trauma is that I lived with it till I was 50 or so. Then I cut it out and now its back. And I want to cut it out again. </p><p></p><p>What you said about your relationship with your son Tanya is maybe where I need to be. He and I were always close. I made that happen. I visited him in prison every week for over a year for 2 hours each week when he was 19 and 20. I opened up to him as an adult. I wanted us to be close as adult mother and child. But that gave him the leverage to hurt me like no one else could.</p><p></p><p>There was a website/ book called The Bipolar Child which had newsletters. One of those was about the provoking behaviors of a manic child. When there is no stimulant for the mania the child creates it by provoking someone else. That's how I always saw my son. In a facility with no chance to shoplift or use he created excitement He has so many other aspects of bipolar as well. That's why I never saw it as sociopathic behavior.</p><p></p><p>The Christian doctrine of forgiveness is deeply engrained in me. Bottom line, if you want eternal life, if you want God to forgive you so you get into heaven, then you have to forgive others. You've asked what forgiveness is to me. Best I can say is that its removing that behavior from my heart as a negative. But if he keeps doing it, with full knowledge and capability, then I can't remove it. Or, each day I remove it and replace it with same.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Smithmom, post: 742478, member: 23371"] I was a foster parent before I adopted my own. I had kids who thought their horrible patents were wonderful. In contrast, until I was 9 and he died I had a great Dad. Every day he'd tell me how, despite what Mom said, implied, etc I wasn't bad, wrong, ugly, useless, stupid, etc etc. He'd have an excuse like she was having a bad day and I had to understand. So I always knew I was Ok and it was her. And when he was gone I could say all those things to myself. I didn't grow up like some of you blaming myself or thinking she was wonderful. This is where the forgiveness comes in I guess. My father's message was to forgive her, let all the horrible things wash over me and move on. And I did. Until she outlived my lifelong expectation that it would end and I'd be free. At 50 (her age 83) or so I decided that that I deserved a life free from her nonsense. Copa, maybe what you're saying about trauma is that I lived with it till I was 50 or so. Then I cut it out and now its back. And I want to cut it out again. What you said about your relationship with your son Tanya is maybe where I need to be. He and I were always close. I made that happen. I visited him in prison every week for over a year for 2 hours each week when he was 19 and 20. I opened up to him as an adult. I wanted us to be close as adult mother and child. But that gave him the leverage to hurt me like no one else could. There was a website/ book called The Bipolar Child which had newsletters. One of those was about the provoking behaviors of a manic child. When there is no stimulant for the mania the child creates it by provoking someone else. That's how I always saw my son. In a facility with no chance to shoplift or use he created excitement He has so many other aspects of bipolar as well. That's why I never saw it as sociopathic behavior. The Christian doctrine of forgiveness is deeply engrained in me. Bottom line, if you want eternal life, if you want God to forgive you so you get into heaven, then you have to forgive others. You've asked what forgiveness is to me. Best I can say is that its removing that behavior from my heart as a negative. But if he keeps doing it, with full knowledge and capability, then I can't remove it. Or, each day I remove it and replace it with same. [/QUOTE]
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