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Can you forgive him forever?
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<blockquote data-quote="Smithmom" data-source="post: 742497" data-attributes="member: 23371"><p>Thank you all. I'm seeing myself more clearly now I think with your help.</p><p></p><p>My reaction to him is perhaps an overreaction based on my personal history. I spent a lot of years giving myself permission to permanently cut off my mother. (Just FYI in her warped mind and venom whenever I have expressed unhappiness at her treatment of me she tells everyone that I'm angry. And that's the level of insight I think my son has sometimes. There's no grasp of sadness, frustration, hurt, much less considering personal responsibility, it's anger?). I agree with Tanya that I never say never. But the longer I am hurt the closer I get to never and to no love left. I don't want to get to that point with my son. I'm past that with my mother. It will be a lot shorter time with my son given that I've been there with my mother and my age/ stage of life. I'm not going to have this in what life I have left.</p><p></p><p>I think my inability to forgive is now more clear to me. Its because its not in the past. Its ongoing in the present. As Copa said, his being in prison with the horrible life that is probably has a lot to do with it. As Elsi said, I can't assume that and it doesn't matter anyway. </p><p></p><p>Bottom line is that in order to stop the ongoing pain, forgive for my own mental health and move on I need to put this in the past. Question remaining is do I have to literally cut him off with the prison. Is it enough for me that I just leave it as is? After all, I can't and wouldn't, stop communication between my oldest two. The oldest will still manipulate the second one. He will still be able to get to me that way. So cutting him off at prison level won't totally stop him. I guess my conclusion is that unless he tries to call or send me snail mail letters I won't cut him off at prison level. </p><p></p><p>But in my heart it will be over. I will accept that he's not the loving, caring victim of dual diagnosis illness I've always thought of him as. There is a mean, vindictive streak I blamed on mental illness. Like my mother, maybe it is there because of mental illness. But both of them are bright enough to see it and control it. They choose not to control it. And they choose to use it on me. I finished being her victim. And I will not be his. He's not a child. I had to ruin my life because of him when he was a child. I don't now.</p><p></p><p>I'm comfortable with this i truly thank you all for helping me come to this decision.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Smithmom, post: 742497, member: 23371"] Thank you all. I'm seeing myself more clearly now I think with your help. My reaction to him is perhaps an overreaction based on my personal history. I spent a lot of years giving myself permission to permanently cut off my mother. (Just FYI in her warped mind and venom whenever I have expressed unhappiness at her treatment of me she tells everyone that I'm angry. And that's the level of insight I think my son has sometimes. There's no grasp of sadness, frustration, hurt, much less considering personal responsibility, it's anger?). I agree with Tanya that I never say never. But the longer I am hurt the closer I get to never and to no love left. I don't want to get to that point with my son. I'm past that with my mother. It will be a lot shorter time with my son given that I've been there with my mother and my age/ stage of life. I'm not going to have this in what life I have left. I think my inability to forgive is now more clear to me. Its because its not in the past. Its ongoing in the present. As Copa said, his being in prison with the horrible life that is probably has a lot to do with it. As Elsi said, I can't assume that and it doesn't matter anyway. Bottom line is that in order to stop the ongoing pain, forgive for my own mental health and move on I need to put this in the past. Question remaining is do I have to literally cut him off with the prison. Is it enough for me that I just leave it as is? After all, I can't and wouldn't, stop communication between my oldest two. The oldest will still manipulate the second one. He will still be able to get to me that way. So cutting him off at prison level won't totally stop him. I guess my conclusion is that unless he tries to call or send me snail mail letters I won't cut him off at prison level. But in my heart it will be over. I will accept that he's not the loving, caring victim of dual diagnosis illness I've always thought of him as. There is a mean, vindictive streak I blamed on mental illness. Like my mother, maybe it is there because of mental illness. But both of them are bright enough to see it and control it. They choose not to control it. And they choose to use it on me. I finished being her victim. And I will not be his. He's not a child. I had to ruin my life because of him when he was a child. I don't now. I'm comfortable with this i truly thank you all for helping me come to this decision. [/QUOTE]
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