choices

[Heavy hearted]

Why does it have to be so hard? My son continues to call his sister from jail. I still can't and won't talk to him. I need time to let my heart mend and get my life back. My husband is done with him. He even asked me to please not mention his name again in conversation. I know my husband is hurting and I will grant his wishes. My husband had a heart attack last time our son got put in prison. I will always love my son, but there is NOTHING that I can do for him. When he was in prison the 1st time, I jumped through hoops. Put money on books, talk to him multiple times during the time he was there, ordered books, etc. In the journal that I wrote for him last time he was in prison, I explained that I will choose what to do and not do for him. The 1st thing I did was change my cell#. At this time, I have decided to write letters. I am waiting to see what the court decides on how long he will be in prison. Decided on No phone calls, it would kill me to hear the sadness and hopelessness in his voice. Trying to stay strong.
After reading many post on this site, I wonder if I will ever get as strong as some of you on here. I guess only time will tell. Hats off to those that remain strong.

 

[RN0441]

Heavy Hearted

You sound strong as in you have set and continue to set boundaries with your son. That is something that we learn to do over time.

I think you are much stronger than you know! It's not like we really have a choice....WE have to survive this.

 

[Heavy hearted]

Heavy Hearted

You sound strong as in you have set and continue to set boundaries with your son. That is something that we learn to do over time.

I think you are much stronger than you know! It's not like we really have a choice....WE have to survive this.

yes RN0441, we really have very few choices. Some are easier than others. I know this is the best thing for ME. That's what I have to focus on now. I have told very few people about what's going on with my son. I guess the main reason: I don't want pity. We were good stern, reasonable and loving parents. Thank you for your response. Will stand my ground sure!

 

[New Leaf]

I still can't and won't talk to him. I need time to let my heart mend and get my life back.

HH, this is where I am at with my daughter in jail. It is still difficult to ignore her calls. The two times I have spoken with her, proved to be a huge waste of my time, more ranting and denial from her, oh and a “laundry” list for me to fulfill.

I know my husband is hurting and I will grant his wishes. My husband had a heart attack last time our son got put in prison.

My dear hubs suffered through illness while our two went deeper into their addiction and chaos. His serious health issues did not deter them.
I think our men have it doubly hard, because they were taught to be tough. I am sure having to hold the grief in effects their physical health.
Likewise, it is difficult not being able to talk about our feelings concerning our adult children with our mates. It was the same for me, HH. Hubs did not want to discuss it. I was so relieved to find this site, to be able to get feedback was and is a Godsend.

When he was in prison the 1st time, I jumped through hoops. Put money on books, talk to him multiple times during the time he was there, ordered books, etc.

Thank you for sharing this. My daughter in jail for the first time, has readied several hoops for me. I think she has forgotten that I have a job, responsibility, caring for her younger brother, etc. I am supposed to drop everything and “bail her out...supervise her release.....put money in her account.....call her public defender......send her enough pictures of her kids to make a collage....and on and on.

After reading many post on this site, I wonder if I will ever get as strong as some of you on here. I guess only time will tell. Hats off to those that remain strong.

You are strong HH. My hat goes off to you. There are times when I am flat out miserable and sad over the years of struggle. It is grief. Grief does not end, it fades and waxes and wanes. We love our adult kids, and want the best for them. Grief cycles through denial, bargaining, anger, and so many other emotions. I think that just when I feel that I am coming through the tunnel of it....boom, a phone call, a report or sighting of my daughters, will test my limits, my faith, my strength, my resolve. The beauty of this site, is that we have all been through these dark and hard times and hold a candle up for each other to light the way to the other side.

I know this is the best thing for ME.

This is the other side. What is best for YOU. Putting our feelings, health and hearts as priority. Our wayward adult kids will not do this as long as they are continuing on the path they are on. They think nothing of the stress and pain we are suffering. Addiction is incredibly self serving. It would have us think that taking care of ourselves and our needs is selfish. It is not. We want our wayward adults to learn how to properly care for themselves, be conscientious and think about their own health and well being. We need to walk the walk. Even if it means going no contact to stave off the stress of their demands of the moment, or hearing their depression over the consequences of their ill choices.

We were good stern, reasonable and loving parents. Thank you for your response. Will stand my ground sure!

I am sure you gave your son a wonderful upbringing. Our kids grow up and make choices. That old saying
“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” sure doesn’t apply. My daughter will role the tapes of her upbringing and put a magnifying glass on issues and parenting mistakes, went as far as to shout “You made me this way! I am like this because of you!”
That stung, the words echoing around my head like a “Twilight Zone” vignette.
It took awhile for me to forgive myself for my mistakes and to understand that there is no such thing as perfect parenting. We did the best we could with what we had at the time.
I am hearing those words again from Tornado, ranting over the phone. I don’t even reply back, it would fall on deaf ears.
So, like you, I am mustering up every ounce of strength not to pick up when she calls.
Hang in there HH, stand your ground, and I will stand mine. We are so not alone.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Heavy hearted]

H, this is where I am at with my daughter in jail. It is still difficult to ignore her calls. The two times I have spoken with her, proved to be a huge waste of my time, more ranting and denial from her, oh and a “laundry” list for me to fulfill.

New leaf, yes grief. That's what we call it. I hope that anyone out there having similiar situations with their adult children, will come across this site. It has been a life saver for me. Just to sit and read everyone's post has enlightened and guided me. Some post are similar, some are different, but they are all about our children. The children that we had big dreams for. Now that our big dream bubble for them has been popped, it has become all so overwhelming real. Thank you for your kind words. God bless!

 

[toughlovin]

I think that is one of the hard things about having a kid who goes off the rails like we have..... somehow having to justify that we were reasonable good parents. The idea that our adult childrens behavior is due to our parenting.... maybe that is true in some cases but honestly by the time a person is an adult they are responsible for who they are and what they do. It is not on us as their parents. One of the things that helped me the most about going to Alanon was meeting other good reasonable parents who had kids who had drug problems, who had been in jail, who did awful things.... and I realized I was not alone and in fact this was not somehow my fault.

HH you do sound strong... and you are absolutely right to figure out what you need and what works for you at this point. And you dont need to justify that to anyone.

TL

 

[Elsi]

Heavy hearted, I have been where you are and I feel your grief. I know that pain and worry and shame. I am so sorry you are going through this now.

For one of my sons, prison was the wake up call he needed to turn his life around. For the other, not so much. My policy has been to 1) let them know I still love them, no matter what, but 2) I will not get them out of situations they put themselves into. No bail, no lawyers, no money on the books, no phone calls and errands on their behalf. It’s hard. N was so bitter and angry with me at first and I had to refuse calls. It was so painful, but it was the right choice. When they are still in that entitlement phase, feeling like you owe them help, talking does no good. Letters let you get what you have to say out without getting derailed by their anger or desperation.

Hugs and prayers to you, and to all going through this. Stay strong.

 

[Heavy hearted]

I think that is one of the hard things about having a kid who goes off the rails like we have..... somehow having to justify that we were reasonable good parents. The idea that our adult childrens behavior is due to our parenting.... maybe that is true in some cases but honestly by the time a person is an adult they are responsible for who they are and what they do. It is not on us as their parents. One of the things that helped me the most about going to Alanon was meeting other good reasonable parents who had kids who had drug problems, who had been in jail, who did awful things.... and I realized I was not alone and in fact this was not somehow my fault.

HH you do sound strong... and you are absolutely right to figure out what you need and what works for you at this point. And you dont need to justify that to anyone.

TL

TL
Thank you. I have searched Alanon groups in the area. I work crazy hours and will have to get schedules. I feel like these meetings are just what I need to give me that extra strength. Monday, I will calling a Alanon group close to me. Again. thank you.

 

[BusynMember]

Al Anon groups are online too!

 

[Heavy hearted]

Heavy hearted, I have been where you are and I feel your grief. I know that pain and worry and shame. I am so sorry you are going through this now.

For one of my sons, prison was the wake up call he needed to turn his life around. For the other, not so much. My policy has been to 1) let them know I still love them, no matter what, but 2) I will not get them out of situations they put themselves into. No bail, no lawyers, no money on the books, no phone calls and errands on their behalf. It’s hard. N was so bitter and angry with me at first and I had to refuse calls. It was so painful, but it was the right choice. When they are still in that entitlement phase, feeling like you owe them help, talking does no good. Letters let you get what you have to say out without getting derailed by their anger or desperation.

Hugs and prayers to you, and to all going through this. Stay strong.

Elsi
Thank you. My heart goes out to you as well. I definitely will be writing letters. I want and need to stay in contact with him. In my earlier post, I talked about writing a journal for him to read after he got out. I poured my heart out and didn't hold back. The statements were simple and self explanatory. I WILL NOT accommodate you if you go back for any reason. I was hoping him reading about the pain, suffering, and sadness that we felt would help him turn his life around. It didn't and here we go again. Prayers for you and we do have to remain strong. Yes, it is hard! Some days are better than others. Thank you for listening and hope all gets better for you and your sons.

 

[Heavy hearted]

Al Anon groups are online too!

SomewhereOutThere,
Thank you. I will check on that now!

 

[Tanya M]

I wonder if I will ever get as strong as some of you on here.

You are much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.
I've been at this for 20 plus years with my son. I have successfully detached from my son but that does not mean I don't still have interaction with him and that my emotions occasionally go for a ride on the roller coaster.

Decided on No phone calls, it would kill me to hear the sadness and hopelessness in his voice. Trying to stay strong.

You are strong!! Yes, it can be hard to "hear" their voice but I have learned that the sadness and desperation can be very real, but can also be manipulation.
You are doing what you need to do to hold your boundaries and that is all that matters.
((HUGS))

 

[Heavy hearted]

You are much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.

Thank you Tanya M!
It's been a week tomorrow that my son has been placed in jail again. He is waiting for court date to see how long he will go to prison. I still haven't talked to him. Yes, I know he is scared, worried and has no one else. He has talked to his sister once. I am just not ready to face that music right now. Right now. Just taking it one day at a time. I still kind of feel at peace, because there's really not anything I do. Prayers for you Tanya!

 

[RN0441]

HH

You have gotten great advice and support here. I think HE has to feel the consequences of his actions.

Mom and dad are out living life, eating what they want, showering when they want, doing what THEY want and I am in here having to be told what to do and when.

Yes, that's right. Our adult children's choices get them to where they are and they may not like it. You know what I say to that? Tough. Too bad!!! Get used to it. Your bad choices are what got you here.

My son will spend his 23rd birthday next week in his program. I wish I could say this was the only birthday he spent this way but it is not. In fact I think it's the third one - not all consecutive but nonetheless. What a waste!! How stupid. How idiotic!! Are you a complete moron or what??? He had MANY changes to change things around. We were right there to rush to help him IF he did.

I think he has learned this time through establishing a strong faith and being sober for long enough to think straight and SEE how awful his life has really been! He has seen others in his program that are older and maybe even parents and have wasted so much time!! I could not do this for him.

We were good parents too. We did most things right. We have two older boys that are wonderful and doing well so we know we did something right!!

This is a horrible journey I would not wish on my worst enemy. It's so good that we can all be here for one another.

 

[Heavy hearted]

HH

You have gotten great advice and support here. I think HE has to feel the consequences of his actions.

Mom and dad are out living life, eating what they want, showering when they want, doing what THEY want and I am in here having to be told what to do and when.

Yes, that's right. Our adult children's choices get them to where they are and they may not like it. You know what I say to that? Tough. Too bad!!! Get used to it. Your bad choices are what got you here.

My son will spend his 23rd birthday next week in his program. I wish I could say this was the only birthday he spent this way but it is not. In fact I think it's the third one - not all consecutive but nonetheless. What a waste!! How stupid. How idiotic!! Are you a complete moron or what??? He had MANY changes to change things around. We were right there to rush to help him IF he did.

I think he has learned this time through establishing a strong faith and being sober for long enough to think straight and SEE how awful his life has really been! He has seen others in his program that are older and maybe even parents and have wasted so much time!! I could not do this for him.

We were good parents too. We did most things right. We have two older boys that are wonderful and doing well so we know we did something right!!

This is a horrible journey I would not wish on my worst enemy. It's so good that we can all be here for one another.

RN0441
You are so right! I have delt with my son's problems, bad behavior, childish ways (whatever word fits) since he was 16. After I got on this site, I kept reading post from the parents that are still going through this with 25,32,36 year olds. I can't do it. Not for one adult child that I know was raised right, knew right from wrong, was taught to respect yourself and others. I won't do it! I can't help anyone who won't help their self. I am through putting my life on hold. I'm through revolving around my son's troubles. I have had so much anguish and anger building up trying to fix my son, I asked for a punching bag for Christmas. No kidding! I love him more than life itself, but I can't help him. I turned all of this over to God. Hugs and prayers.
HH

 

[RN0441]

RN0441
You are so right! I have delt with my son's problems, bad behavior, childish ways (whatever word fits) since he was 16. After I got on this site, I kept reading post from the parents that are still going through this with 25,32,36 year olds. I can't do it. Not for one adult child that I know was raised right, knew right from wrong, was taught to respect yourself and others. I won't do it! I can't help anyone who won't help their self. I am through putting my life on hold. I'm through revolving around my son's troubles. I have had so much anguish and anger building up trying to fix my son, I asked for a punching bag for Christmas. No kidding! I love him more than life itself, but I can't help him. I turned all of this over to God. Hugs and prayers.
HH

I can totally relate to the punching bag request! Honestly I'd probably break my hand!