Codendency

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by WiseChoices, Nov 13, 2019.

  1. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    So my husband seems codependent on me. He was very supportive and sweet with me going on my trip. He did contact me a lot and I tried to keep him in the loop as much as possible about my whereabouts to make him feel less anxious .

    Since coming back, I see things a bit clearer. The house was a complete mess. Moldy cheese in fridge. He had offered to go shopping for me and forgot half of the items I had put on a list. No bread, no butter in the house . Dirt everywhere. There were 3 adults here and they did not function well without me .Husband complained a lot about the increased work load while I was gone. he used it as an excuse to not supervise that chores were getting done .I noticed he tried to avoid conflict with adult kids .

    Since I have been back some of his behaviors are really bothering me . The constant rubbing on my back as I am trying to complete tasks. The grabbing of my breasts as I am trying to talk to him about my daughter. The increase in text messaging about what I am doing, am I still driving, am I home yet?

    And I feel pressured for sex. I have felt this before. I am cleaning a month worth of dirt out of my house so I can feel comfortable, I am trying to get back into the grove of things, processing all the receipts he left from shopping, getting the bills caught up, and having feelings of disappointment and disgust at how the house was left for me , and he wants to have sex .

    I told him I would let him know when I am ready. And noticed the increasing mood. (I am an empath). He knows of my heart ache with my daughter. I made a date with him for last night and realized by the end of the day, I feel crappy. I am still dealing with jet lag. I am tired. I had a headache all day. Needed way too much caffeine to get through the day which made me feel sick. So I cancelled on him. By the time I came back from teaching my exercise class , he was mildly pouting. Was already in bed. Eyes closed .Wouldn't say good night, hug or kiss. Knew how much I was hurting about my daughter and would not hold me .he has done this before when he does not get what he wants. I ignored it. I Al-anoned him. His feelings belong to him.

    I feel like I am in a pressure cooker. My son admitted he had been slacking and did all the tasks I gave him willingly. He is pleasant. Not interested in hearing about my trip, but not adding any pressure to me whatsoever. Going to work, taking care of his work uniform, making his own food . And being chatty and friendly with me. Lots of smiles .light joking.
     
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Glad that your son is being kind and friendly.

    I think you have to take care of yourself. Husband may feel that he wants to reconnect with you, i.e. via sex.

    My husband has gotten more clingy as we age too which is really weird to me. I have heard this before though.

    You may have a few bad days and then feel better and more like being intimate. I think going out on a "date" is a good precursor for that.

    I find that I obsess over my son at times - most of the time - and do not give my marriage the attention that it needs. I have to work really hard NOT to do that. My husband looks at things my son does so differently than I do.

    I really don't want my life to be based on my son's life. That's not fair to anyone.
     
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  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    My first impression is that if we leave our house in other's hands, we can not expect things to be how we wanted them to be when we get back. It's nice if they are, but we can't leave instructions about how we want things to be and expect others to care about it like we do. If we want to keep our house a certain way WE have to do it, which means staying home and missing out on a lot of fun.

    We can't control other people. I am the biggest neat freak in my family. Now I would not go on vacation without my husband, but if I did I would come back to a mess unless Amy cleaned and she doesn't clean to my high expectations either. My son cleans hastily and is messy, not dirty, but messy. But all of this would drive me nuts if I took a vacation and came home to it.

    Yet I would have expected it. They are not me and are not going to follow my instructions. Even loved ones do things their way and it is not a lack of love or respect. i don't see it that way, at least.

    On the part about rubbing your back and demanding sex and texting you a lot, you have a right to set boundaries on those issues. That would greatly upset me, I would state so once and tell him that I need his respect about my personal space/time and would get it or (fill in your consequence of choice,). There are times I don't want to be touched and I speak up and my husband is good with that. There are times HE needs to be left alone too and I respect that as well.

    Have you thought of marital counseling?

    Blessings!
     
  4. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    That is good advice, Busy. You are so right: I can't expect the house to be clean when I leave it in others' hands. The expectation creates my own resentment.

    I don't speak up with my husband bevause he is very sensitive in the relationship department. He sometimes makes comments that I don't love him the way he loves me. Or says "kiss me like you mean it". My skin crawls when he constantly rubs my back , constantly kisses me and says "I love you" 30 times a day. And you are right: I need to speak up. I need to say "not now". I need to say "this feels too much at the moment". He follows me around the house, checks in with me to tell me every detail of what he did on projects that I have no technical knowledge of . I have told him time and time again that I don't care to hear all these details and he keeps doing it.

    Yes, boundary setting and speaking up. I need to push past the uncomfortability and just do it. I even have a crystal around my neck that is supposed to help me with it.
     
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Wise

    Are you still in love with your husband? Just wondering because not sure and that would make it all much more difficult. If it's too personal you don't have to answer. I love mine but he still annoys me at times. LOL
     
  6. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I wouldn't be in the mood if I had to clean a month's worth of dirt, either. Tell him you'll get in the mood if he calls a maid service and gets you a gift card for a pedicure.
     
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  7. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    The way your husband follows you around almost sounds overly obsessive....abusive? How long have you been married?

    You don't have to answer. From this side of the fence, which is not clear at all, it seems that you may have some serious marital problems that may need work.
     
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am not married but I asked M to leave my house in January, after 9 years living together. It was the right thing for me to do. I want control over contact. I want to decide how and when. For a few months he did not surrender his key. I hated when he would unlock the door and enter without consent. *Yes. I could never hear the doorbell. But he could have called.

    It was very hard to tell him I wanted the key, and he was hurt. But I did it. And it's way, way better. Now, he has to call me first, because I seldom here the doorbell. Good.

    M is dependent in some ways. Like with food. I have continued to cook for him everyday. I can handle that. Even though it's a bit unusual. It gives my life structure knowing I'll see him most days.

    I knew a women at the bank, Molly. She told me she that even though her house was only 5 minutes from the bank, she would not go home for lunch. Because she was a reader. Her husband would never stop talking to her if she would go home for lunch. She wanted to read so she preferred to stay at work where people would leave her alone. If I think about it, when M lived here, I stayed in my bedroom, where I had peace and solitude. I need a lot of alone time.

    I guess what I am saying is that I think men can be more dependent and less self-reliant than women. For example widowers have a way harder time than do widows.

    Is he willing to hear you about your experience in the marriage? There were aspects in my relationship that were not changeable and I am not married. I had to realize that there was no room for improvement. That what I had, was all I would ever have. That may or may not be the case with you. I was forced to accept that I was settling. I could not continue to do that.

    Will your husband work with you to make your relationship better? Can he listen to you about your experience and how you feel? Are each of you open to putting in the work and the risk to change together?

    It may boil down to RN's question. Do you love him? Or maybe not. Maybe something in you is motivating you to experience him differently.
    Given all of the disequilibrium in relationship to your daughter right now, could it be that you're more sensitive to your husband's vulnerability? Displacement is when we put one problem onto a relationship where it does not belong. Could your sensitivity to your husband right now be heightened and colored because of the problems with your daughter? You feel vulnerable right now. Are you seeking to feel more in control by experiencing your husband as more vulnerable? It may be worth a look.

    This is the same man you've living with for many year, as far as I know. Did you just wake up today and find him annoying? If so, the question is why?
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2019
  9. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    You ladies pose good questions. I do love my husband and he has made huge strides in improving and changing himself through the 12 steps , AA meetings, and spirituality over the last 3 years. And that is amazing to me and I admire that greatly in him. He is overall a good guy , works very hard for his family, and can fix anything.

    He is able to give me space now. In the past I wasn't able to go to the store with my Mother, for example, when she was visiting without him punishing me with verbal attacks, silent treatment, or some other form of abuse afterwards. The fact that I can leave for a month and he is fine is amazing.

    In my experience, alcoholics are also codependent. And maybe his behavior patterns annoy me because they remind me of my former self or maybe even character defects I still inhabit without being fully aware of it. They say what annoys us in others are our own habits and we have to clear them within ourselves in order to stop being annoyed by them. I will pray for my Higher Power to show me my husband through his eyes once again. That helped a lot in the past. And I will look at my own patterns . I know that anytine I am annoyed with someone else, it's about me and not the other person. I am off center. My prayer and meditation life has suffered some. I did not get to AA meetings in Europe just Al-Anon and that will make me become off centeres.

    I, too require a lot of space and quiet time especially when there is a crisis like the one with my daughter .

    I think I get sort of used to his behaviors and find ways to get my solitude normally but after being away for a month where I had lots of down time, it's more difficult for me to adjust . I am sure my experience of him is colored by my situation with my daughter. How could it not be? Husband tends to tune all that out and want to read me something about spirituality and my head can't focus. He, too, always interrupts my reading and just chatters at me . And I also know that if something happened to him, these are the very things I would miss and would want back .

    I need to find my center. I need to find the courage to speak up to him, and do so with love and care .
     
  10. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Been married 28 years.