Coming up on the one year anniversary of my husband's Covid death and my 6+ year sober son has now relapsed.

tishthedish

Well-Known Member
It has been a taxing and tiring year. I am missing my husband's companionship and love immensely. We had something that was precious. It seemed like we were all hanging in there. My elder bipolar son (36) is living in a studio condo provided by me and he is off the street. That's been since February and it's wonderful not worrying about how many people were shot in Chicago every weekend. So that's the positive news.

My younger son (32) has been a joy to watch these past years. He lost custody of his special needs son to us and did everything demanded of him to get him back. He was self-supporting, met a wonderful girl with a little boy and was married in July of 2020. He made a six figure salary and bought a house.

We were all rocked by my husband's death. It's going to be a slow and erratic recovery, but progress has been made.

I had lunch with a girlfriend on Friday. 32 lives nearby and works from home. His wife works late on Fridays so I got a to-go order to drop off for him. I went over, he answered the door and then things were off. He would sit down, he didn't ask me what I got him, it looked like he had been playing video games. I thought maybe I had caught him napping. He took off upstairs and was there for a while and when he came down he said he was sorry, he didn't want me to think he was blowing me off, he had to use the bathroom. I finally focused on what was right in front of me and saw the bloodshot eyes. The fact he wouldn't make eye contact and was pacing and circling the room. It hit me like a brick and I just said I had to go, got up he gave me a halfway hug and said he had to get back to work. I didn't make any accusation at the time because I am just not up to being gaslighted. I wanted to get out of there and home where I could think more clearly and put some of my old defenses in place.

We have not spoken since. I am having breakfast with his wife on Tuesday. I don't even know how to handle it. My inclination is to not bring him up and if she does, I will refuse to speak of it. I don't want to get in the middle of anything. He's her's to handle now. The other thing is that we are planning a trip to see my 11-year old autistic grandson in KS later in the month. I am uncertain if I want to join his family. I can't handle the turmoil. What if he goes on a bender down there? I am hungry to see and hold my grandson and without my husband and because of my gs size, I am not able to visit alone. He can hurt me physically.

When this happened before with 32 he had custody of my gs. My husband and I were deeply involved to insure gs safety and help support 32's recovery. I don't have that responsibility now and I find it a huge relief. No matter how much he screws up his life, my gs is safe.

But here is the awful thing. We have had a real thinning of the herd here. None of my husband's family is close or associates outside of major holidays. I enjoyed my relationship with my son and his family. I love all of them so much. They'd be here for dinner every Sunday along with 36 and we were making a new tradition out of it. There is absolutely no one remaining in my family that I can confide in or receive counsel from. I feel so alone! I have this life I have to shape out of thin air and my imagination and while that's not the end of the world, I don't have the emotional energy to start adding positive measures due to grieving, handling ALL things house and business and now drug use. Do I cancel the trip, cancel Thanksgiving, not allow him in my house, give him the cold shoulder? Without an ally in my husband, this is all too daunting to face.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Hi Tish

Unfortunately we just know when things are not right. Did you say your son works from home? Could it be that he really was just tired?

I'd wait to see what comes up tomorrow when you meet your daughter in law before making any changes in plans. Is this normal that you meet her for lunch or do you think something is up and that is why it was scheduled? I am sure this is throwing you for a loop and making you have major stress. It doesn't take much for me to be completely stressed out by my son which immediately causes me to have IBS and it's upsetting that my body reacts this way which I am unable to control. I just got on Lexapro myself to help take the edge off. It hasn't kicked in yet but I was on it many years ago and it is a mild way to help you cope a bit better.

I feel for you but you have to take care of you which is so much easier said than done, I know.

Keep us posted about what comes up at lunch tomorrow. I probably wouldn't say anything about your suspicions and see what she says.
:staystrong:
 

Acacia

Well-Known Member
It sounds like you are putting taking care of yourself at the top of your list. That's really good, and it doesn't mean you don't care about those around you. I agree with RN that you shouldn't change your plans yet. Wait until after the lunch with your daughter in-law.

You've suffered deep losses, which are still quite new. Be gentle with yourself. I strongly believe that in the future you will find the energy to bring new experiences and/or people into your life. The grief for your husband will always be a part of you, but I am glad that you were blessed to have had a wonderful partner.
Let us know how it goes.
 

Deni D

Well-Known Member
Tish, I'm so sorry for your loss and how things are going for you and your family today. It's very good your 36 year old is off the street, I know what a relief that is. It does sound like you 32 year old is having some issues. I wish you had your husband there to talk to about it. Maybe there's someone else, if only a counselor for you to talk to. From the outside in it looks like he has a lot to lose and most likely knows it. I think someone who has done well has a very good chance of getting back on track, if they get the help they need. He knows how. I'd see what your daughter-in-law has to say about your son when you meet for lunch before deciding on Thanksgiving. I would think she probably knows something is up, and might tell you if he's planning on getting help.
 
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