Communication Critical

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Littleboylost, Oct 15, 2017.

  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    as some of you may know AS who has refused to follow through with rehab has been given 14 days to leave the house. We have re keyed the locks and he is only allowed in when we are home and not to have anyone in the house.

    He broke his cell phone and asked me to fix it. I told him I needed the pass code to ensure it was operating properly before I could pay and bring it home. Also I told him I was not about to pay for it he had Birthday money and that was what it was used for.

    Truth was I didn't need the code. I read enough texts to understand the gravity of the situation. He is still using and also still dealing and not just pot. Molly, Coke, oxy, percs, and pot.

    Also discovered our neighbours older son (28-30) is giving him free pot and selling him Coke. Too vague for the police to act but we will be having a conversation with his parents. He is a failure to launch live at home son who is in probation for a DUI. A real :censored2:!

    Took phone put it in the safe told him I left it at the store. I told him why. Phone is in my name not going to be used to buy and sell drugs period. He will never get another phone from us ever. So much for his rehab counselor saying it wasn't enabling him to provide him with a phone for comunication.

    He has until the 26th to leave. He rantes that he just got a job at Swiss Chalet. Big deal he has never held down a job for more than 3 months. Don't need a phone to have a job. Offered him an old phone to use on imesanger on WiFi if communication was important to him for job, bail and court. He refused it.

    I wish I could put him out right now. I am having trouble focusing on the love part of detachment. The disrespectful things he said about us were pretty awful. I know that is the disease talking. My heart just doesn't know it yet.

    His birthday is on the 20th and he will be a full adult 18 years old. So now we can make him leave no games need to be played. I will not have him home until he has been through a long term rehabilitation program.

    It takes baby steps to detach an it is still breaking my heart but I have the strength to follow through on this.

    I wish it were tomorrow that he was leaving. What's terrible thing to wish for.

    Heart is breaking, tears are flowing. I see there is a grip on him of drugs and manipulation, no recognition or regret, not ready for a change.

    Hard stuff. Impossible stuff at times.
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2017
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    you are in the countdown now.

    he still thinks he has power. he is bargaining. swiss chalet. nice try.

    i believe i know how hard this is.

    the thing is this: you are in the upswing now. you have your power back. he is on the defensive. the ball is in his court. there is hope now.

    he is a middle class or higher kid, i presume, who has used your shelter and support to fuel a drug habit.

    now he will have to feed himself and support his own drug habit. now is the beginning of change.

    i hope. when i kicked my son out 6 years ago, for over 2 years he lived rent free in an ocean front hotel (owned by ex friends of mine who thought they could be better parents than i.) without conditions. that is when the marijuana started.

    but the thing is, what are we supposed to do? there is no control over any of this.

    oh how i wish you could kick him out now. i would try to stay away. ((when i finally had the guts to kick out my son i decided on the way home from work and locked the door and would not let him in. he pounded on the windows all night. not good. )

    an acquaintance of mine the next day took him to a shelter. and within 2 weeks he landed in the lap of luxury.

    there is no telling how this will go. but you know one thing: you had no real choice when he weasled out of rehab.

    who knows? maybe now he will decide to go.

    i am sorry lbl.

    ps you are too kind. to me he and the disease are one and the same. he like everybody has choices. he made a commitment. he reneged. he lied. he used you and disrespected you. he abused your love. get mad!!!

    pss. he has a pea brain right now. but he is still responsible.
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    Last edited: Oct 15, 2017
  3. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Hi LBL. I'm traveling and not able to be on the boards often. I'm glad you got extra evidence, though you hardly need it, of where he's at and how that is not "home." Wishing you and hubby strength during these days before your son gets to more realistically experience the life he's making for himself.

    I hope he wakes up. I hope they all do
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  4. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    LBL-I'm sorry for you hurting heart.
    The facts you know from his phone are what will keep you honest to yourself. No more, "maybe he's not using, maybe he's waking up". I kept a picture on my phone of pill bottle, straw, baggie and credit card that we found my son's room. IN OUR HOME. He had been home 8 weeks, 1st 2 weeks fine, then coming home late or not at all, never calling, finally gone for 2 weeks no contact when I packed up his room. It actually gave me strength to be reminded I was doing the right thing. To allow him to sleep until noon, eat well, shower and be in a warm home just gave him "comfortable drugging". For some, that picture might have been a sad reminder that my son was an addict, for me it was evidence that I couldn't control this, it was truly out of my hands.
    COPA's right, now you have power. I also believe it would be best to stay clear of him, there's no more discussion to be had, is there? I so get that you wish it would be tomorrow-you asked "who wishes that?"
    We do.
    You have gone over and above in every respect, you can't cure this, but there is hope for him if he will grab it himself. He's not choosing that yet.
    We circle our wagons for you in safety and understanding. We get it. Prayers.
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  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I have been there too. I remember the first time I came on this board and it was said to make him leave. What??? Huh??? He had nowhere to go, no money, no real friends. Nothing. He was young. He was not innocent though.

    I had to do it after a few years of drugging. Mine would stay sober for many months in between the binges but he still did nothing with his life. It reminds me of the word in a song that reminds me of him "didn't have a life worth living". We hated seeing him like that. I knew a big change was needed but how do we make that happen?

    You have learned, like many of us, that we have to take a hard stand to start the wheels of change. The wheels of change are very slow but until we take back our home and our peace, they will continue to ramp it up and disrespect themselves, those that love them and our home.

    You are doing this out of love for your son. Unless someone has been there, they would never understand. We just sent our son away for 13 months after already being gone 1.5 years so he could change. We did this because we love him. We get it.

    Stay strong. You are doing literally the only thing that you have not yet tried!
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  6. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    LBL, I am so very sorry that your son has betrayed you. Although they are our children, their words and actions can hurt and anger, even enrage us.

    You are exactly where you need to be on the road to radical acceptance.

    I hope that your son finds his way to a good, decent, law-abiding lifestyle when he is ready. It might take a long time. It might never happen. Or maybe it happens sooner rather than later. We cannot know. Radical acceptance.

    I'm doing my own version of that right now. How it hurts. But the truth is always our friend, no matter how intense the pain.

    You have my best wishes.
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  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    (((((hugs))))) This is such a painful thing to go through. Stick to your guns and make him go out and experience life without your support, on his own resources. Hopefully that will get him sick enough of the drug life to make him get clean and sober eventually.
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  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    It is such hard stuff,LBL.

    I really don’t like being so cynical, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he makes some miraculous (but temporary) steps toward improvement right before D-Day in the hopes of a stay.
  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Copa you are right there is no control and that is so very frightening. We must move forward and face our fear. It is truly his story to write.

    I completely understand this point. It is the same with my son begging to delay rehab until he finished his semester at school. He is failing everything, has been present for 2 full days all year. Is busy drugging, stealing and partying. Gone all weekend to houses that allow kids to drug in the garage. Never too sick or tired for a weekend but always too tired for helping out or going to school. He is not 13 or 14 any more.

    I have never seen my son truly clean since he was 15 years old. It is heart breaking and he just doesn't see it. When I confront him with facts he denies them and I go , because a crazy part of me wants to believe him and yet I know he is lying throufh his teeth!

    When I asked him if school is so important why don't you go and why are you failing everything. He said and I quote "it's just all this upset so close to my birthday. What kind of excuse is that?? And what kind of a brain thinks that's a good answer.
    I know I have to follow through and I know I have to let go. I have to know he is not helpless he just acts like it.

    It is so very very difficult. We have to accept the fact that he may change or he may never change. I lost my mind passing a homeless young fellow begging at the intersection today. If he does wind up there it is his story to write. We can not keep going through the same cycle again and again.

    I am accepting the truth and managing my FOG and his Gas Lighting very well, well as good as can be expected. He was being all sweet and understanding until he asked for money and I said no. He said he was starving. I offered him many snacks to have before dinner. None of them were what he wanted. Pretty picky for a starving person.
    Fear replace with reality
    Obligation replace with unrealistic expectarions
    Guilt replace with truth and fact. No more Gas Lighting.

    I am so grateful to all of you for this support. Without it I would never be able to cope. It is going to be a rough road putting him out with no communication device, all husband's family are in the UK and mine are not present or available in his life. Perhaps this is a good thing. All of the friends he feels he can rely on will not be able to give him what he expects. This will either help him turn around or it will take him on a very dark path. I can't Conrol this. I can't Cure this I didn't Cause this.

    A wise woman reminded me today to accept that I am powerless over his choices and his path in life. I have to let go and get out of his way.

    I have kept a few of the messages on my phone as screen shots to remind me who I am really dealing with.

    Husband remains 100% on board with this plan. It hurts to see the pain in his eyes and his heart. He is a very stoic person and to see him moved to this level of dispair is so very crushing.

    I used to decorate for Halloween early every year for his Birthday which is on the 20th. I can barely get through the necessities of each day, let alone find the time or spirit to even attempt to decorate or celebrate anything. Not how we expected 18 to be.
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  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    another bill arrived from an ambulance. there was one last month too. i believe there was an ambulance for july.

    he tries (son) to get admitted to the psychiatric hospital to solve short term problems--like housing.

    when i asked him he said-well i needed a ride. twice in a year to call an ambulance is entirely reasonable, he responded.

    you are doing phenomenally, lbl. i feel for your husband. there ia no other path than that which you are taking, that would be responaible. you explored alternatives. he blocked you at every turn.

    "all this upset" like it happened all around and independent of him. givemeabreak.
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    Last edited: Oct 16, 2017
  11. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    He won't view it that way, but you understand the big picture better than he does. Hang in there. We're here for you.
  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Rough couple of days. Son is manipulating and bargaining and it is ripping my heart apart. I can barely get through much days.

    He was texting from a friends phone last night trying to bargain and negotiat his way back home. The answer is no this isn’t working for any of us.

    His bargaining includes not needing in patient rehab. Says he is off drugs and doing ok. I saw him 36 hours ago a he looks like hell.

    Message from his out patient rehab counselor that he has not been in contact with her.

    Message from his bail officer he had another failure to report. This is putting me into a tail spin again today. Of course she has mailed the letter here but has she pulled his bail bond?? No. Cooling his heels in jail until his next court date Nov2 might just be what he needs to sway his choice for rehab. I dispise our useless system.

    I replied back to both that he does not reside here anymore. They have already been made aware of this fact.

    His 18th birthday is tomorrow. I have to keep reminding myself that we are letting him face the natural consequences of his own actions. We know this is the only hope he has to get the help he needs. Someone who has been drugging for severally years can’t just stop. Gas Lifhting and manipulation.

    There are glimmers of recognition from him that he needs help. But not with enough consistency to know he is ready for it. I reinforce myself with contact with mentors who have been where I am. Without that I know I would weaken in my resolve and let him back home. Thank God for the support of good people and all of you in this forum. I would be lost without it.

    I am not the Cause of his addiction, I can not Cure it not can I control it. As much as I want to grab him and rush him to the bail office I am not going to. When the letter comes from the bail office it is being returned to sender. I write this as much to convince myself to take concrete actions and not weaken, as I do to inform you all.

    Minute by minute, hour by hour and I know his could go on for a very long time.

    I hope for acceptance to rehab and court diversion to rehab. He is in need of such help.
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  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am praying for you and for your son.
    My son is lurking around my neighborhood. I have his image. Captured on the security cameras. He has a no trespass order, but that does absolutely no good. It is creeping me out.

    Addiction is soul crushing for the entire family. I sense that your son knows that he needs help, but he is afraid of what life will be without them. Your son and my son will be ready when life with drugs is worse than being sober. I hope it happens sooner than later for both of them. Love and Peace, Pat
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  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Be safe and well we deserve that much for ourselves.
  15. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I'm sorry for your heart. It sounds like torture.

    Remember that even if he gets especially creative in his manipulation, he won't reach new lows that others here haven't experienced. He won't make false promises others here haven't heard.

    Try not to focus on the sincere glimpses of a scared kid you will see. At best it's a hostage video. The addict is in control right now. If he wasn't your son would welcome treatment.

    Any good plan he has can be executed after successful treatment and probably can't be executed before.
  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    It is torture. I feel tortured too through my own son's addiction and he is in a faith based program and likes it. I am tortured by the past almost seven years of him living his life this way and what it has done to him and our family.

    Yes LBL he has to suffer the life of someone that uses drugs. It should not be comfortable or there is no need to change. We know they won't get sober at home. We tried that too. I begged him to follow our rules. The addict was in charge. I am no competition for an addict and the choices they make that continue to befuddle me.

    You have come this far. If you turn back, you will have to start all over. I know you do not want that.

    Stay strong. Prayers for your family and all the families here that need them.

  17. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    LBL, so sorry for your hurting heart. I vividly remember the anguish of those calls and texts.
    I couldn't have said this better-so true. I have had a hard time not focusing at times on my perspective of how my son must feel. Every time I have found out later that it wasn't as near a big deal to him. And yet it kept me awake all night....

    This is great reinforcement for you.
    ...and my son, RN's son, COPA's son, Lil's son, Colleen's son on and on.

    Keep that hope, he is so young it is hopeful that someday he may look at his life and just decide this isn't fun anymore. We need not be foolish or naive. With the scars we've earned we'll know change if we see it, not from their lying lips but from a real place of movement toward wholeness. Prayers.
  18. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

  19. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    LBL I just saved this to my desktop for reading. Thank you!!