Concerns

Helpless29

Active Member
So we made it month. My son has been working everyday except Sundays ,we just went in last week to take his drug test and he passed & I was so happy but now I came across a message on his FB , wanting to buy blue punishers , so I googled it & it is Exstasy , which now makes sense that he would ask for those because I believe it only stays in your system for like 4days & he may only be taking a drug test once a month through probation . I don’t know how to handle this situation, I have not told my husband. I did talk to my son & he says he never ended up purchasing it but almost kinda made it seem like it was no big deal , but a acourse promised he would not do it , I feel like it’s all lies & this might be starting down a path that I do not want to take or cause any harm to my 2 young children at home. What do I do? I was thinking at soon as he turns 18 teen which is Jan 2nd to tell him to leave ? I hope I can do that with him being on intensive probation & it’s a question I have to ask. I’m furious that once again I fell for his lies.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Wash, rinse, repeat.

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with his bad choices once again. This is so typical of what we go through with these boys though when they are not ready to really make a change.

I would definitely tell him to leave in January. If he can stay sober and work and do what he is supposed to then he can live with you but otherwise not happening. We sent our son away at 20 and that was the best decision we ever made for us and for him. My son did not straighten up for a few more years after that sadly. I really thought we may end up burying him because he was not interested in doing the right thing yet wanted to be with his "family". Nope.

My good friend did not get tough with her son and his prolonged drugging led to heroin use and when he finally did get sober for 9 months, he used and died from an overdose. I then knew that my tough stance was the right thing to do.

However this puts you in the position of being an FBI agent. It's crazy the lengths I'd go to to figure out what my son was doing and it was exhausting and it did not help him. I did not have two younger children to care for though or I could not have done it. It took over my every thought and my life.

When I was really done enabling my son I knew it. You will know it too. No one will need to tell you because it will just be a strong feeling. We all have to get there in our own time. I just wanted him to "go away" at that point. I did not like him. Your son obviously thinks that you are supposed to be okay with the fact that he tried to get drugs but didn't. He has had enough chances and I fear that he will think that he can do as he wishes while he is in your home. Our son would do SO good for months and then start up again. I'd get my hopes up and then he'd crush my heart again and again. We were truly his victims for many years.

I know you don't want your husband to know this about your son but that probably isn't wise. If you give him this one pass I would let him know that you are watching his every move and that next time you will tell your husband. If you stay quiet your son could see that as condoning his behavior or that you're on his "side". I would not let him come between your marriage. It is not going to help your son if you do that, but only put you in a horrible situation.

Stay strong with whatever your decision is. You have us here for support.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Wash, rinse, repeat.

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with his bad choices once again. This is so typical of what we go through with these boys though when they are not ready to really make a change.

I would definitely tell him to leave in January. If he can stay sober and work and do what he is supposed to then he can live with you but otherwise not happening. We sent our son away at 20 and that was the best decision we ever made for us and for him. My son did not straighten up for a few more years after that sadly. I really thought we may end up burying him because he was not interested in doing the right thing yet wanted to be with his "family". Nope.

My good friend did not get tough with her son and his prolonged drugging led to heroin use and when he finally did get sober for 9 months, he used and died from an overdose. I then knew that my tough stance was the right thing to do.

However this puts you in the position of being an FBI agent. It's crazy the lengths I'd go to to figure out what my son was doing and it was exhausting and it did not help him. I did not have two younger children to care for though or I could not have done it. It took over my every thought and my life.

When I was really done enabling my son I knew it. You will know it too. No one will need to tell you because it will just be a strong feeling. We all have to get there in our own time. I just wanted him to "go away" at that point. I did not like him. Your son obviously thinks that you are supposed to be okay with the fact that he tried to get drugs but didn't. He has had enough chances and I fear that he will think that he can do as he wishes while he is in your home. Our son would do SO good for months and then start up again. I'd get my hopes up and then he'd crush my heart again and again. We were truly his victims for many years.

I know you don't want your husband to know this about your son but that probably isn't wise. If you give him this one pass I would let him know that you are watching his every move and that next time you will tell your husband. If you stay quiet your son could see that as condoning his behavior or that you're on his "side". I would not let him come between your marriage. It is not going to help your son if you do that, but only put you in a horrible situation.

Stay strong with whatever your decision is. You have us here for support.
Yes snooping & going through all his stuff while he is at work & worrying is exhausting & I think I finally got to that point , where I just want him to leave , I’m just done ,I’m not even sad just mad , mad at the lies , mad that I was manipulated, mad that me & my husband have been so good to him & once again he’s back at it. I told him how can we care about him if he dosent even care about himself , I also let him know that I will tell probation after 18 teen he will have to go. I am just fed up & over this game he is playing
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I am such a softie and I got so hard on our son that I surprised myself! I felt like I was battling the Devil for his soul. And now when I look back I realize that I was.

How did he take the news? I do hope you tell your husband too because that makes it official and it will help you to pull away and be stronger. This really is for your son. If after all this, he thinks it's okay to come "home" and use drugs that would make me very very angry too. Nope.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I just can't understand why someone would want to take pills that would keep them awake for three days. I feel miserable after just losing one night of sleep. I'm sure you've lost a lot of sleep over your son. Kids don't think these club drugs are serious.
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
I‘m sorry you are already having to deal with drug seeking behavior again.

It’s my understanding that Ecstasy raises serotonin levels in the brain...to the extreme!
Could it be possible that your son is depressed and needs to see a Dr for a prescribed antidepressant like Lexapro or other medication? I just wonder what your sons reaction would be if you talked to him on the basis of mental illness and him trying to self-medicate with street drugs.

Is your son in an AA program?
He could meet other young people just like himself and learn new coping skills.

Again, I’m really sorry that you’re having to deal with this already.
lms
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless

I think you need to change your name on this site because you are not acting in the least bit helpless. I think you are completely in command and exude strength, purpose, love and power. I agree 100 percent with your thinking. The only thing I would do is tell your husband. I think sharing what you know of the reality will give you more strength and a united front.

You and your husband have been wonderful. In one sense this has all worked out wonderfully. You repeatedly opened your home and hearts to your son. He is now legally an adult. He has proved that he can work and support himself. He is entitled to live as he wishes and he chooses. Just not in your home with his young brothers and sisters and you. He needs to go on Jan 2. I would not speak to him more about it. What is there to say? He is on alert that you know. The only hope is that he will check himself for 3 more weeks.

I don't think you fell for his lies. I think you acted from mother love and hope and responsibility. I do believe he tried. But over and over again he did what he wanted; when and where and how. He's full of himself and his power. I have written it before. Life will teach him what a mother can't. He is hard headed. I think he meant well. He's just young and stupid. He will learn. But he won't learn from you or with you. I wish I had learned this lesson sooner.

You did nothing wrong. You did everything right.

Love, Copa
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Copa

I love that - Life will teach him what a mother can't.

I have not read that before. It is so true and I do believe that is what helped our son get on the right path.

Let's face it, we won't live forever and our boys need to live a life they can be proud of. It takes some of them longer to get there than others however.
 
This is such great insight and advice! My son is out there somewhere, I hope he is learning what we could not teach him. He is so smart and resourceful! But he has cut us off completely. Hugs to you Helpless and all the good folks here who are so wise.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
How are things?
It’s going ok, I don’t see any signs of drug use, and since we been going through this so long, I can easily notice changes in him right away. He’s been going to work everyday & comes straight home like he’s suppose to. Sunday his girlfriend came over & his dad also came to visit . I’m still on edge after that last message I seen , I could only pray & hope that he keeps staying clean & continues to do good.
 
Top