Confused and hurt

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by louise2350, Oct 9, 2019.

  1. louise2350

    louise2350 Member

    My situation is my 40 yr. old daughter who won't have any contact with me and this has been going on for four years. During her teen years this daughter was always acting up and I did my best trying to manage and seek help for her. After she married and had a baby she was speaking to me and seeing me but I made this mistake of saying something to her regarding a post she made online. She told me never to contact her again, etc. That was 4 years ago and it's still going on. She invites her two sisters to events she and her husband have but not me. Of course this grudge she has against me can't be from my comment on what she posted online. I am sure my oldest daughter knows why she isn't speaking to me but my oldest tends to draw away from situations like this because it stresses her out and I'm certain she doesn't want to get on the bad side of my daughter who's not speaking to me. I see my other two daughters and we have a relationship along with my grandchildren. This middle daughter is always on my mind. I've called her, written to her but no response. How do you get a child who won't talk to you out of your mind? I don't think this is possible, but would like to hear from anyone who is experiencing a similar situation or who has been where I am. Thank you.
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome! I'm sorry for what you are dealing with. It's always very hurtful when a child chooses to not have anything to do with us.
    If you have not done so, perhaps you could write her a letter.
    My situation is very different from yours but the commonality is my son chooses not to communicate with me. Yes, it's hurtful but I have come to let it go. We can spend a lot of time wondering and worrying but that really does no good. We may never understand why our children choose to do what they do but we can choose how we respond to it.
    I for one will no longer allow my son to hold my emotions hostage. I'm not getting any younger and the years I have left I will live the very best life I can. I will always love my son and hope that someday our relationship will be better but I cannot allow myself to wallow in it.
  3. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Welcome Louise,

    My situation is not like yours but I do currently have an estranged 30 yr. old son who is homeless and a 26 yr. old son, who is also homeless but has recently started to communicate with me again.

    I'm the one who over the last few months has disconnected with older son due to his verbal/threatening abuse towards me.

    Some of the things I had to ask myself were....

    Is this relationship I want with my son a healthy one or do I want it so badly just because I need contact with him?

    If I were to try to patch things up with him, with some kind forgiving words on my part (because he is entitled and thinks everything is my fault), would the reunion last very long before another tumultuous outburst of anger and hatred was spewed at me when I didn't tell him what he wanted to hear?

    Maybe your daughter sees "the past" differently than you do. Some of us on this forum have discussed how our adult children see their childhood and the reality of it in a totally, untrue, bizarre way than it really was.

    There really is no convincing them otherwise. To them it is reality and we are to blame for it.

    I agree with you that one comment about something she posted on f/b shouldn't constitute this behavior. Have you had other issues with her in the past where she has not seen eye to eye with you? If so, how long did that last before you could reconcile with her? Is this a pattern of hers to banish you from her life until she feels you are punished sufficiently?

    If I were you, I would take time to focus on myself. Nurture and care for yourself and do things that make you feel good. You are being controlled by her even though she is not in your life. Take back your control and love yourself like the child of God that you are.

    Sometimes, these adult children can make us feel like the worst parents and degrade us and disrespect us. After awhile, there's a little part of us that starts to believe it because we know we weren't perfect. But no parent deserves such harsh disrespect.

    Focus on yourself, pray for yourself and your daughter. Ask God to open up and soften her harden heart.

    Sending prayers.
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  4. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    As I have spent years thinking mostly of my disturbed child, while not giving the same amount of time to my children who are kind to me, I have a few possible ideas you can maybe think about. First of all, no, you don't get over a child, but Al Anon and private therapy are both enormously helpful. Well, for us they were. You can try them. We do both.

    Secondly, I highly recommend focusing your attention on your daughters who are kind to you. When adult children decide not to treat us well, it hurts but is usually more about their own issues than about us. I gave up trying to analyze why my daughter mistreats us. Therapists, family and friends gave us their opinions. All of them were guessing.

    The truth is, nobody knows the why of it except for Kay and she has no answer that is based in reality. My husband and I decided that it doesn't matter why. We know we did nothing to deserve her degree of meanness and that it isn't normal.

    Our two other kids cried and hugged us and told us how badly they had felt when we seemed to be so focused on Kay after we formally apologized. We are lucky that they are kind and forgiving because the truth is that Kay was ruling our emotions. That was so unfair and it will never happen again. We can't force Kay to be the daughter we want her to be. We are done putting so much time into her when we have others who care for us.

    I also recommend rekindling your other relationships too as well as hobbies and interests. No one person should own your soul.

    God is important for me. He got us over this.

  5. louise2350

    louise2350 Member

    Thank you all for your understanding and support. I agree 100% with everything that was said regarding all of this. Thank God I have my two other daughters and the beautiful grandchildren they have given me. I am sure that part of the reason this daughter is not speaking to me is that she's not in a good place herself. All I can do is pray and today I sent a request to have a Mass said for her on her birthday which is a Holy Day. I think that is the best gift anyone could receive. Thanks again.
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  6. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    These are good, insightful questions.

    Good counsel to hear this morning. Thank you.

    More good counsel I need to hear again and again.
  7. louise2350

    louise2350 Member

    Thank you
  8. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Glad to hear this. Great reminders from everyone to focus on gratitude, thankfulness for the people in our lives who bring us joy and make us smile, all the while praying our Difficult Child will learn to do the same. Love and light.
  9. louise2350

    louise2350 Member

    I'm just mostly confused as my daughter was speaking to me and even brought her newborn to see me 4 years ago - quite a long drive for her too. Even though we had past problems when she was a teen things improved when she moved out. But, it was when I posted something to her over what she was posting online that started all of this. That's what I don't understand. If she held a grudge towards me for her teen years and all she put me and her family through why was she talking to me up til I wrote something to her over what she posted online? It's crazy. But, I know God's with me - this is her decision and I think when she hears about me with my other two girls kids, maybe she regrets her leaving me out of her life. I will always love her but do feel sorry for her. She's really hurting herself and her daughter by not having me in her life.
  10. louise2350

    louise2350 Member

    I, too focused too much on this one daughter while she was acting terribly to me. I didn't realize it at the time, but I wasn't giving my two other daughters the attention they deserved - my energy was all put on this daughter who now doesn't have any contact with me. I remember once when I was going through a hard time with the middle one my other daughter said I put so much attention towards her and don't focus on them. At the time I thought this wasn't so but it was. My two other daughters love me and respect me. That's such a good feeling.
  11. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Yes, it is.

    I'm happy for you. Very. Those of us with nice kids along with difficult ones are blessed. Sure, we want them ALL to be doing well, but we at least do have beloved good kids who love us. Why is it that we so often focus mostly on our stumbling adult kids who act as if they hate us?

    So many of us spend most of our time obsessing over our one child who is disrespectful and won't get help. Do we need approval from our entire family so we keep trying? Do we hurt so much for our kid who doesn't hurt for us that we never give up until it's almost too late to save our relationships with others? I don't know. Why, why, why. I hate that word.

    There must be a lot of us who feel like Kay probably feels. She doesn't know her motivation for how she behaves. I don't know why I put Kay first either. Both Kay and I have snippets of understanding, but we can't explain our behavior in clear, concise ways or in one or two sentences.

    I will no longer ruminate over all the whys. I will focus on what IS. Not why it is.

    I made a horrible mistake with my two kids who acted right. My husband did too. We were fortunate enough to have this second chance and we are running with it.

    This is a vent for myself more than anything else. I apologize if I am out of place. Venting here helps me a lot.

    No more whys for me. No more trying to figure out why Kay does this or why I do that. I will never really know. I am dealing in the now with no rumination over why this and why that. And no more making up stories in my head about the future. That's another thing. No more stories about the future for me. My crystal ball is foggy

    God bless you all.
  12. louise2350

    louise2350 Member

    I, too, made the mistake of putting all of my focus on this middle daughter in her teen years when she put me through an awful lot due to her behaviors. One day my oldest daughter asked me why I give this middle daughter all the attention and she and her other sister are not given any attention. She told me I was putting all of my energy on this middle daughter. To myself, I denied what my oldest daughter stated. Looking back, I see that my oldest daughter was right - I did let my middle daughter's behavior rule me. I shouldn't of done that, but I know better now. Thanks for the advice. It's so true that at this point it really doesn't matter why she's cut me out of her life. It is mean and cruel and I know she isn't taking responsibility for any of the past injuries she inflicted on me and herself.
  13. louise2350

    louise2350 Member

    Very well said. I agree and your comments as well as others who have commented, have helped me tremendously to clear things up in my head over all of this. Thank you.