Confusion

:(I feel very sad and confused. Has any of you been put in a situation where you had to deal with realizing that you have to choose between your kids because of their emotional wellbeing?
My oldest son, 16, is diagnosed with PDA, anxiety, ADD, possible bipolar and lately some personality stuff is being questioned.
Our son can be an angel..." jackle and hide"...he can be the most amazing kid, and then flip within seconds ( when he doesnt get his way or you say something that upset him) to becoming terribly abusive. Mostly verbal and emotional, but lately becoming more physical ...
So the therapists feel we have no option, he needs to be removed from our home.....but in RSA we dont have residential faccilities or propper longterm psychiatric treatment options.....They were even mentioning maybe removing our younger son, because he is exposed to the violence in our home....I am very worried now, I feel scared, guilty ( towards our oldest) and sad...because I do luv my son, but for our family to be safe and protection of youngest we might need to send our oldest away...because he is only 16, he cant live on his own?.....we dont know whats going to hapoen regarding schooling and he really wants to study further...so by sending him away, he wont be able to continue taking his subjects....so I feel we are messing up his whole future.....I feel guilty because we need to choose between our family and our son with mental illness....at times like now, he sounds so peacefull, chatting with his friends online...but I am constantly anxious about the next outburst...
We have spoken to him regarding his behaviour, he is in therapy (for 13 yrs), we tried familymediation, ...different medications....what confuses us is that this behaviour only happens at home,...to the outside world he is adorable and well behaved.....he says this is the way he is, dont have to change......any advice would be welcomed.....
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry you and your son are dealing with this. I assume a psychiatrist has tried medications? Did they help? Are there genetic history of mental illness in your family? Has your son suffered some type of trauma that might be affecting him now?

I wish I had answers, but I don't. You and your younger children need to be safe. Keep us updated. Ksm
 
Thanx ksm

My son has been on different medications for the last10 years....it helps to some extend....
He has been adopted at birth, the psychologist say he cant find any signs of attatchment disorder, but I sometimes wonder if he doesnt have unresolved anger and fear of rejection....he doesnt want to talk about this.....
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
so by sending him away, he wont be able to continue taking his subjects....so I feel we are messing up his whole future..
I will speak of resources here in the US. I am unfamiliar with options in your country but there may be something similar. Here there is Job Corps a federal, residential program that is free. Free training, room, board, college, finishing high school, etc. There is excellent supervision. Youth can go at age 16.

For adopted children (through the government) the counties can step in and pay for residential treatment, and extended support.

There is behavioral analysis where a specialist observes your son's behavior and develops a family intervention plan to target and extinguish his violent behaviors and outbursts.

At 16 you can talk to your son. It is not in his interests to remain violent. I think he needs to confront the truth. His behavior is making him unable to live with the younger children. If he does not want to address the problem and the family is at risk, there needs to be another option. This is reality. You didn't cause it.

He has an anger management problem which seems to only manifest at home. This is hopeful in that he shows he does have some control. How long does he have until college? Is there the possibility of his living with a relative or friend's family? I would involve him in decision making. By that I mean, family therapy, so he is aware that the family together has searched for any and every possible solution.

You are not messing up his future. You gave him a future by adopting him. I have an adopted son, too. When he was your son's age everything started to change and the genie never got back into the bottle. We tell ourselves that our love can handle anything. It can't. Our sons have other elements in their life stories for which we are not responsible and that we cannot squelch or remedy, no matter how much we try. That is just reality. Parents with genetic children deal with the same thing. It's life.
 
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Copabanana

Well-Known Member
realizing that you have to choose between your kids because of their emotional wellbeing?
You are not having to choose between your kids. The best interest of all of your children is the same. Your adopted son is not served by continuing to be violent and continuing to perpetrate in his family. He loves you. He needs to first be stopped from hurting the people he loves. If he can't stop on his own, he either needs intervention in the family, or to be temporarily removed until he learns to curb this behavior.

What I am saying is that it is in the best interest of your son that you do everything that you can, to protect the family. By protecting the family, you are protecting him. Stopping him from hurting the family is to protect him, and to show care.
 
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Thanx for all your honest and supportive feedback. In our country we dont really have any residential options or that kind of support....
We also dont have any family he could stay with. We have been excusing his behaviour for many years because of his Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and PDA diagnosis...
Thanx for reminding me that we are also protecting him from his own behaviour....we tried to talk to him about the consequences of his behaviour...he says he doesnt care, he wont change, this is the way he is and thats it. He tells me to leave the room and stop talking when I try in a loving way to talk to him. He doesnt behave in a responsible manner, so dont know how he would even be able to live alone....if thats our only option.....we have tried family therapy twice...first time was a disaster, he got highly upset when confronted by the therapist and second time, with different therapist he blamed all on us, not taking any responsibility and later changed the things we agreed apon around....so nope, doesnt seem to be an option.....
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Is there a foster care system in your country? In the States there are specialized foster homes for children with special needs. They have training to deal with certain behaviors. If he is violent towards the younger children, how can they be sacrificed? As long as you don't act the whole family is at risk. Your hands are tied, as I see it.

I am not advocating this at all but there are parents in my country that actually forfeit parental rights, so that their seriously troubled or ill children get the specialized care that they need. For them it is an act of love.

Does your son have special interests or aptitudes or hobbies?

In the United States, if a child in the public school system requires residential treatment, the school system is required to pay for schooling, and usually medical insurance pays the other part. They call this an IEP. My son while he didn't live in residential treatment for several years received free education outside of the school district, because he could not be educated in public schools.

Is there anything like this? Are there funds for him to live and be educated away from the family?

Are there specialists that you can go to in your community to help you make a plan, that would know about available resources?

That's what I did. I went to a man who helped us get my son graduated from high school, by studying individually. I am not saying this is an option for you; only that there must be consultants who might know about available options and resources.
 
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No, I have consulted with some of the best specialists, we dont have IEP, special residential homes and all that....
We need to pay from our own medicak aid funds....the few institutions is in very bad shape, and risky with Covid, TB and HIV in our country...but I will keep on searching and asking for help...
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Sunshine.

Sorry you are dealing wit this. I think you said something profound...this only happens at home. Perhaps if he is away, it solves the problem on both ends, but as far as where he will go-I have no idea. It's hard to make these choices for our kids. I don't think leaving him in your home is safe. I could be wrong. but if there are not strong consequences, there's no reason for him to change, I hope this gets resolved quickly, you are in my prayers!
JMOM
 

MamaRosie

New Member
:(I feel very sad and confused. Has any of you been put in a situation where you had to deal with realizing that you have to choose between your kids because of their emotional wellbeing?
My oldest son, 16, is diagnosed with PDA, anxiety, ADD, possible bipolar and lately some personality stuff is being questioned.
Our son can be an angel..." jackle and hide"...he can be the most amazing kid, and then flip within seconds ( when he doesnt get his way or you say something that upset him) to becoming terribly abusive. Mostly verbal and emotional, but lately becoming more physical ...
So the therapists feel we have no option, he needs to be removed from our home.....but in RSA we dont have residential faccilities or propper longterm psychiatric treatment options.....They were even mentioning maybe removing our younger son, because he is exposed to the violence in our home....I am very worried now, I feel scared, guilty ( towards our oldest) and sad...because I do luv my son, but for our family to be safe and protection of youngest we might need to send our oldest away...because he is only 16, he cant live on his own?.....we dont know whats going to hapoen regarding schooling and he really wants to study further...so by sending him away, he wont be able to continue taking his subjects....so I feel we are messing up his whole future.....I feel guilty because we need to choose between our family and our son with mental illness....at times like now, he sounds so peacefull, chatting with his friends online...but I am constantly anxious about the next outburst...
We have spoken to him regarding his behaviour, he is in therapy (for 13 yrs), we tried familymediation, ...different medications....what confuses us is that this behaviour only happens at home,...to the outside world he is adorable and well behaved.....he says this is the way he is, dont have to change......any advice would be welcomed.....
You are struggling through a very tough situation. I don't have any advice. Just wanted to offer my support. There are no right or wrong decisions here.
 
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