Continued weirdness

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Feb 19, 2019.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    I have noticed a change in my daughter's 43 year old boyfriend. I think after all these years he has figured out that there is a serious problem with my daughter, he knows he has problems but if you compare the both, her problems outweigh his.
    I made the terrible mistake of saying 'I would like my kids to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary with us'.
    My daughter does not want us to have any connection with her boyfriend. He is trying to make things ok between us but she fights hard to keep it all separated. She did not even tell the boyfriend that we were celebrating our milestone wedding anniversary. 36 1/2 year old daughter is upset that her boyfriend bought me a necklace a few year back, it is a tiger eye necklace that he picked up in Colorado, he got another type for my daughter but she is deeply resentful that he bought one for me. I loved when my husband picked and bought things for my mother. I have no idea why she would be so hateful over a gift her boyfriend bought for me. There is deep seated envy, I do not compete with her or have ever flirted or acted inappropriate with any of her boyfriends, if I was single I would not be a woman that would be called a 'cougar' she never had to worry about that. It breaks my heart that she would be so ugly over a gift.

    My husband and I had a nice celebration of our 40th. Our daughter came over the next day and handed my husband a Valentines chocolate and said this is for you and looked at me and said I did not get you anything. I felt another slap in the face. I think my daughter gets pleasure thinking she is harming me, I think it makes her feel powerful. While manic she is a full psychopath. Everything is said in body language and tone and what has been said by her is horrible.
    I am not a gift person, I really don't care about material things but an acknowledgement about our 40th would have been very appreciated. Also it was the tone of voice she used when giving my husband the chocolate and telling me there was nothing for me.

    What have I done to bring this on? NOTHING and my strength comes from knowing that it is her mania and clouded up thinking that is causing this. For once I am not letting it cut me to the core. I am sure when the mania subsides she may try to make things better but in reality I am so sick of her off and on roller coaster. What I just wrote is not all of it, her ugly tone and behavior have been going on for some time now, the disrespect over our anniversary is just the straw the broke the camels back.

    For the good part, she is making her payments, ok since last Oct. It took threatening and awful words to get her back on track. I am tired. Deep down tired and deep down sad.

    I stay busy with work, my husband and friends. Comments about how I should direct my energy are well meaning but it does not stop the deep down pain. It does not matter how busy or how I direct all my energy the pain of an off track child is there. I think the pain is something to deal with head on like how I dealt with the death of my son, no matter how I tried to direct the energy away from him it did not work, I had to deal head on with the pain of his death so I could regroup and move forward. The death of a child is always there and always wearing, I think it is the same as an off track child. No matter how I direct my energy it is there because the love for them is there. Talking to a therapist or going to group therapy does lighten the load and I have years of that behind me. I live a functional lifestyle, we eat right, exercise, pray, meditate go do fun things, and I am deeply sad because family means everything to me and it is very heart breaking to be rejected on a regular basis.

     
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry. I think you are in a place that most people can’t fully comprehend. Many here at this site will come very close though. I think you are right...people might be well meaning...but....It seems you need to face this great difficulties “head on,” as you said.

    I think it’s good that you understand that your daughter is coming from a place of mania. Also good that you exercise and do all that you can to keep yourself healthy including eating right AND therapy.

    You didn’t bring anything to cause this. Your daughter is being unkind and inappropriate. I’m glad you stuck to your guns about the rent. And when she is unkind...I would avoid contact with her. It’s just too much.

    Setting boundaries and practicing detachment are words used a lot around here simply because they help significantly.i can tell you it helped me tons.

    When our daughter was at her worse , I went to therapy regularly. And later, I always knew I could get an appointment “as needed.” It was comforting and helpful.

    Again, I’m so sorry.
     
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  3. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you Nomad for your support. Tonight I went and got my hair cut. It was a quiet cold night and I must of found the right girl to cut my hair. She gave me a massage, and talked very kind to me, I almost started to cry because her warmth felt so good. I am glad you were helped by practicing detachment and setting boundaries, it has helped me some too. You are right about my daughter being unkind and inappropriate and I have been avoiding her as much as possible, actually she gives me a stomach ache being around her.
    I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how deeply she harms me, I think she gets a perverted pleasure out of it. She is awful and I feel it deep down in the core of who I am.

    She just now called and told me she loved me. I am so glad she is not my wife or life partner it has to be pure hell to be on the receiving end of her daily. She desperately hates me and shows it and just like that calls to tell me she loves me. OFF/ON just like that. It can make the person on the receiving end crazy.

    I think since I lost my mom and 2 best friends this year, I feel double sad, my best friends were such strong support for me and me for them.
    2018 was full of many losses and turmoil. I wish my friend D did not have to die, she was only 51. I believe her daughter contributed to her early death, her daughter has a conduct disorder and made D's life living hell. My other friend age 46 died by suicide after getting into an argument with her daughter. Life is so short..I wish there was something that I thought was more important than love among the family but I don't, it means the most to me and is the most important thing to me.
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Newstart
    So sorry that you are so hurt by your daughter's words and unkindness. When we have children, we never dream how much they are capable of hurting us.

    I will pray for you to have strength and peace within yourself. There is really nothing more that we can do when we are dealing with these types of things.

    Hugs.
     
  5. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you RN, For you support and prayers. I so appreciate you and your posts. Prayers sent back to you.