Cops called, wife gone

[miles2go]

So I didn't listen to all of yours advice when she asked so nice on Thursday, "I have no place to stay, will just put the kids nicely to bed, etc" and I said sure, you can stay the night. In an hour, I am calling the cops, she is screaming to the bawling 5y.o. easy child "dad hurt mom, you saw it, right? right? dad wants mom to leave!" and rips the 911 call out of my hand screaming, "he hurt me, and the children saw it (repeat twice)".
Now my lawyer doesn't want to use this to file an ex parte revision of the visitation agreement (no overnight, supervision not by her mom) saying that the judge can turn it against me, given that I let her in.
Looks like we are definitely going towards custody evaluation, but is my lawyer getting lazy? What for is all my material collection on all the abuse, testimony by babysitter etc? My lawyer is beginning to give me "many moms are crazy, we all grew up with crazy moms" and I am afraid the kids end up spending a lot of unsupervised time with her. I hope evaluation will do good, but until then I would think that I have more leverage than just going along with mediators equinanimous recommendations.

 

[miles2go]

O and in case any of you wonder, I did not hurt her, difficult child told the cops how "mom is telling untrue things to easy child to get dad in trouble" and they escorted her off the property.

 

[AnnieO]

Nope, you don't HAVE to hurt her. Honestly? Mothers can say almost anything and get away with it.

And yup, letting her in was not a good idea. But you know that, so I won't beat a dead horse. I tell ya what though, difficult child was GREAT!!!!!

The lawyer is right about the ex parte. If you let her in willingly - it shows the court that you don't really mean it. Yes, you're trying to be nice and the kids do need both parents - but NO ONE needs to be abused. Not mentally, emotionally, or physically.

Keep documenting. INSIST that lawyer does what YOU WANT. Yes, he knows the law better, but he can advise how to work with the law to get what you want (in this case, kids that are not being abused).

If the lawyer won't work with you - fire him and find another one. Not joking. Ask around - people will know who's good.

 

[susiestar]

I totally agree with Step. You know people who have been through bad divorces. If they scalped a spouse in a divorce, ask their lawyer's name. If they GOT scalped, as their spouse's lawyer's name. If this lawyer will not use his knowledge and skill to do what YOU want and need, go to one of the lawyers that others recommend. Your kids NEED for you to win. So you have GOT to have a real piranha of an attorney, esp when you are battling an abusive shrew for custody. (Shrews are one of nature's most vicious animals - they eat their own weight in dead animals every day. Or so the report on them I did in childhood said.)

No more being nice to ex. No matter HOW nice she is. She has no where to stay? This is GOOD. It means she CANNOT have custody, no matter what, because the kids MUST have a home!!

Good for difficult child for telling the truth.

Not sure if your kids are both male, or both female, or one of each. FYI if they are of each sex they must have separate rooms in whatever place your ex lives in or she cannot have overnights. IN some places same sex children can share a bedroom with a parent. Children of the opposite sex must have an actual ROOM. They cannot sleep in a living room or other common room in many jurisdictions. I have several friends who have had to deal with this. In one case these rules were heaven-sent because my friends exh wanted the daus to live with-him in his one bedroom apt. with-o two bedrooms the court would not agree no matter what the kids want.
Make SURE that if she gets a place that it follows the rules (and there ARE established rules for places the kids can stay once you enter the court system). If she rents in an apartment complex you can probably just go to the landlord to get the layout of the apartments (some even have them printed up for potential renters) and to learn if unit X is 1 or 2 bedrooms.

Just info your atty may not share if he is getting lazy.

Time to practice saying that she cannot come in. Stand in front of the mirror and practice what you will say when she begs that she has no where to go. This will make it MUCH easier to tell her no and shut the door. Don't say why. Don't argue with her. Have a recorder handy so if she starts yelling you can record it. In fact, if you can start it to show you are polite (with-o her seeing it), this might be good so you can say you are NOT egging her on. But practice saying No with no explanation and shutting the door. Do NOT let her in.

Hoping things go well in court and she ends up showing the court her true colors.

 

[miles2go]

Thanks people. Step, since you agree with my lawyer I have to go along and not push for ex parte although I don't see the logic of "if I let her in (not against court order, maybe against common sense) and she got abusive, it might be counted against me the judge might give her less, not more, restrictive visitations".
Visiting with her would be 2 boys; daughter is 14 and maybe will give mom an hour a week, I don't know.
This morning this easy child was screaming that she didn't want to live with anyone and hated everyone and "shut up" to everyone, but then texted me an apology, which makes her a easy child, right? Her BD is on the other side of earth and never cared much, her BM is an abusive what, shrew? I adopted her and I guess am the only one eligible for the game of "shut up, I hate you, now let's talk about my life and then go shopping for a graduation dress".

 

[AnnieO]

Well... It's not that I necessarily AGREE with him. I do think you need to push for what you need - the ex parte is part of it - but he's right that the judge will not see it that way.

Personally? Yeah, you're right, it's NOT against the court order, but judges are notorisously weird about that.

 

[miles2go]

It's "agree with her", not "with him", Step. And yeah, I can see how the judge could deny my request but actually make it worse for me? Cause if there were no downside, I'd go for it, but that's ok, I can skip this battle and work on the next one (ordering a bunch of books on custody evaluations....).
Thanks again for support; battle fatigue is settling in and I know it's way too early to succumb...

 

[AnnieO]

Yeah, unfortunately there is always a downside in a custody battle. And that is that, no matter how much you try to do what's right, the kids DO get hurt.

...If she would be reasonable (I know, funny), agree to work things out for visits, support, going to a therapist? It would be easier on the kids. But you know what... A lot (not all, thank heavens) of women are just vindictive as all get out. I can be... But I try not to where the kids are concerned. If I have a run-in with BM (this has happened... Too many times to count), I keep my cool on the surface. Because the kids don't need to see me raging too. One is enough... And it's HARD. SO HARD.

There have been times when the battle fatigue really got to me. And you know what? Technically, LEGALLY, I'm just the step mom. No rights. No one cares. If something happens to husband... These kids go to BM. I never see them again. Well... OK, Onyxx would likely do something really stupid and land in juvie, so I could visit her (maybe). She wants NOTHING to do with BM. But Jett is the one who will end up really, really messed up. (He's already got developmental issues... No need to make it worse.) Onyxx already is messed up. But still, we are trying to work with her, to figure out what to do.

 

[susiestar]

Step - I just realized that Jett has fetal alcohol syndrome. HOW can ANY judge even CONSIDER leaving him EVER with BM? SHE is the one who damaged him PERMANENTLY!!!!!! As Dad had NO control over that, and Dad has not purposely or knowingly EVER hurt him, the kids should be ONLY with dad. This just pisses me off!!! THe judge needs to be un-judged so you can see a judge who will "get it".

 

[miles2go]

Should I change my lawyer?
She's a nice lady and all but I just wonder if she's aggressive (not quite the right word. Doesn't catch mice is what they say in my native tongue) enough. Part of it she's busy so doesn't get to my stuff quickly enough, she keeps giving me "we can do an ex parte but it could turn out worse for you", the court orders come out too ambiguous for PC5's preschool to deal with (some parts of the orders I kinda missed; wish someone pointed it out). Oh and I got "many mothers are crazy and we grow up with them", etc. -- reminded me of that recent Spanish movie where a battered wife's dad tells her to stay, "we all have our quirks, so that's his".
But I don't know, maybe I want too much from the legal process and things go at their speed and she's a good professional, just not that good at communicating to me risks and benefits of a particular move (and reluctant to give advice)?
Guess paying $300/hr I want a shark that will apply maximum pressure, am I dreaming?
I suppose custody evaluation will settle most things and she's reluctant to waste ammo before that? Perhaps she doesn't understand that with a raging bipolar unless you physically sit on him/her, they will continue to hurt themselves and others.
Have I mentioned she had another meltdown yesterday and tried to get PC5 from his preschool without supervision, so that the teachers witnessed her winding him up with "dad doesn't want me to pick you up" and then arguing with the director for at least 20-30 mins over the paragraphs of the court order? Left without easy child, haven't been heard from since.

 

[AnnieO]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Most Dads don't want to go for the jugular, thinking it will look worse for them. Many lawyers advise Dads not to, and the kids suffer.

husband's first two lawyers really twisted things up for him. I asked around - one of the guys I work with has FULL CUSTODY of his son. And never-married men usually do not GET full custody around here.

We went with his lawyer.

Since then, we have gotten first residential/shared parenting, then full custody. BM has gotten farther and farther from what she wants (which is to punish husband forever)... At least as far as the courts are concerned. But let me point out something. The death of a 7-month-old infant in her care (the kids' half sister), then Onyxx being molested by her now-husband, is what lost her custody. Now that we have a diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), we may be able to limit her visits with Jett back to the court's visitation schedule (Onyxx FLAT REFUSES to visit, and since she is 15... The courts won't push HER, except to say we should encourage her to go). But I doubt it very much.

Our lawyer is a huge teddy bear of a man who strikes like a water moccasin - no warning. His demeanor is very misleading. He used to scare the tar out of Onyxx - because she had only seen him in court - now she loves him to death.

My advice? Find another lawyer. This one is not helping you.

 

[susiestar]

Step is totally right. My bro divorced a few years ago. He is an awesome dad but was a lousy husband and HIDEOUS stepfather (actually drove his spoiled stepsons away to the point that even now they won't call their mom because she didn't stand up for them). My mother chose his lawyer, actually hired her before bro really wanted to file for anything. Bro wanted to just whine for awhile before doing something, but mom was afraid of losing custody/contact with her granddau. My mom chose the biggest meanest shark lawyer in town. IF my idiot gfgbro had just followed his atty's advice he would have had a LOT more than he got. She would have been able to use his ex's frequent lapses in sobriety to get more than the shared parenting 50/50 split that is the automatic standard custody decision here. My bro undercut his atty simply because he is difficult child and he REFUSES to follow anyone's instructions because he knows better in every situation.

We found his atty by asking other lawyers and divorced people who the sharkiest atty was. I highly suggest you do the same. For my bro, it has forced him to grow up. He had to back down from trying to dictate how his ex will handle their daughter and work WITH her. But in most situations she is not that bad. She is NOT like your wife, who changes on a dime. Right now they work together so if one is sick the other one will take niece for a few days with-o holding against the other one. YOU cannot do this. YOUR wife is a danger to the kids. Keep her off your property and as much away from the kids as you can. If her mom is not supervising visitation, document it and get your new atty to deal with it.

Ask friends/acquaintances who are divorced if they got all they wanted or if their ex did. Then ask for the atty of the "winning" party. Your atty just does not seem willing to do what you want and need him to do.

 

[miles2go]

She's getting the boys for a first overnight tomorrow and I feel like garbage. My lawyer prepared an ex parte (kinda lame wording, mostly cut and paste from my emails) and she and her owner-boss are trying to talk me out of it. I can see their point; they want me to smell good for the custody evaluation and not risk coming of as vindictive or even an aggressor. It makes sense but I hate all this abuse evidence get no use. Monday I have to decide go ahead with ex-parte or not.
So I am looking at two alternatives, a young go-getter custody specialist from a neighboring county who writes back quickly, wants to review my case for $250/hr (that's cheap, I guess, although I am sure he'll tell me to switch), done lots of contempt filings, has a case just like mine, can prep me for custody evaluation and anything else, etc.
Or, a sharkey-looking local President/BOD of the county's Family Law section, with glowing testimonials on his website.

So I m going to ping the second one; to call the cop again to try to get an idea of how the police report makes me look; go to a dads for justice picnic and pick their brains, see what the boys look like when they get back and, ... what else? Go with PCf14 shopping for graduation dress? How the heck am I going to make this ex parte decision?
Susiestar, mine changes on a dime, whatever gave you that idea, heh heh. Did I mention that 3 days before the latest hatefest she just positively HAD to see me, begged all teary eyed, promised to get help, a long story, but I suppose bipolar narcissists are more or less alike. I was tempted to say, "don't worry you'll hate me in 2-3 days" but what's the point.

 

[miles2go]

She left with the boys and mom, PC5 was sad I couldn't come, GFG9 was trying to cheer him up and I feel just sick.

 

[JJJ]

Miles,

I hadn't checked this thread in a while. With all due respect to Step and all she has been through, please be aware that court orders are just that - ORDERS, not suggestions. And most judges will enforce their orders with all the power of the law behind them. Since you have a court order that says when mom gets the kids, she gets them. If your daughter refuses to go, you can end up in jail or worse, finding yourself the noncustodial parent and the children living with mom. The custodial parent has a legal obligation to facilitate the relationship between the children and the non-custodial parent. While I understand your fear at sending the children to visit her overnight, you had to do it. (Some states allow children at a certain age -often between 12 & 14 - to tell the judge their preferences for custody and visitation; it remains the judges decision and they may, with an older teen, write the order such that the teen controls when/if they have to visit but that is unusual.)

Step's advice about getting an attorney that matches the level of aggression that you want is so key. My neighbor interviewed 7 attorneys before he found one that didn't tell him he'd have to settle for every other weekend and wednesday nights (he wants primary or 50/50). You need to be comfortable with your attorney.

If one of the children come home and say that mom physically hurt them, take them to the doctor and call CPS, immediately - not the next morning. Then file ex parte to have visitation supervised in a visitation center.

 

[AnnieO]

Miles, clear this up please??? I thought it was the mediator's suggestion, not a court order?

JJJ has a point; however, I still stand behind my (well, husband's) decision to let Onyxx decide when and if she will ever visit her mother again. Regardless of what the order says, the girl is 15, and was horribly abused. Jett wants to visit - while I have issues with that, I do not stop him or say anything negative about BM in his presence. It isn't his fault.

So, yeah - if it IS an order, toe the line very very carefully. Don't wind up in jail, or she WILL have custody - all the time. Trust me on this one.

 

[miles2go]

Our 14 y.o. daughter is not included in the regular visitation schedule; I'll check the order but I think it's something like "make an effort to spend an hour a week" or something lame like that. Wife invited her yesterday, she didn't respond with quite the usual "drop dead" but that was the gist.
The wife had the boys overnight; difficult child, bless him, has been texting me on his new phone and now texted me that they are almost leaving from the City, which means she'll be late returning them by the time that I already stretched for her by 30 mins as a special dispensation. So what do I do, just record it and she'll dispute it later? Will all this be reviewed at the custody evaluation and/or trial?
Went to a fathers 4 justice picnic today (man, these guys are in much worse shape than I, kids kidnapped by crazy moms, no money for lawyers), got a suggestion to have these transfers happen at a police station so that time is recorded and she doesn't misbehave. Seems kinda extreme but I don't know... I also got another advice to forget about ex parte about May 6th events since I let them go for overnight since then.
Pulling together the case materials for the new lawyer and tracking difficult child on his GPS phone for the next half hour, grrrrrrrrrrr.

 

[helpme]

got a suggestion to have these transfers happen at a police station so that time is recorded and she doesn't misbehave

You might make a phone call to the police station, voicing your concerns
about the situation. Asking for another method. Here, we have "exchanges",
slang for a building. Exchanges are setup with cameras and sign in sheets,
have child care, nurses, and a deputy to monitor the exhange. Our police stations
are too busy here, and these sites work well for a lot of parents. Drop off
"times" are 15 minutes for older kids and 30 minutes apart for younger kids.
So, since yours are younger, she drops them off at say 6:30 and stays with
them for 15 minutes until 6:45. She then leaves the building and parking lot,
and you pickup at 7:00. Any noticeable concerns, bruises, documentation,
medicines, etc are to be dealt with during her 15 minutes (6:30-6:45).
if she needs additional time, then she is to be at the exchange earlier than
6:30. Its a great setup, clearly explained to all parties (written verification)
and can even be court ordered here, with additional clauses to be
completed (evaluations) during the 15 minutes or more if needed. It also permits
documentation by qualified, heh, individuals. I've also heard parents have children
evaluated on the spot by their own lawyers and medical professionals after a
weekend of alleged abuse, and those witnesses appearing in court.
Another thing is that if the court order states "licensed insured driver",
the exhange will verify insurance and license information each and every
time the exchange occurrs (great for the alcoholics who pick up the kid
for the weekend, give it to grandparents, get Sunday drunk, and then
go off with the kid, drinking and driving their merry little way, to
"losing" their kid quicker than we can get into a courthouse for a court
date.

The same building that provides mandatory parenting
classes to anyone involved with a child and legal proceedings, divorce, or
otherwise.

I've also heard of others using a YMCA latchkey (after school daycare)
for exchanges that are open on Sunday night specifically for such situations.

Get a plan going that eliminates all these possibilities. You
know your wife the best, so setup and prepare for her nonsense b4hand.

 

[DammitJanet]

All this stuff makes me so happy that we have a great visitation set up now. Could go south I suppose but I think baby momma knows it would kill my granddaughter to not have her daddy or us in her life so we all make sure that doesnt happen.

 

[miles2go]

Yeah DamitJ. The problem is good intentions matter little when my BiPolar (BP) wife wants visitation right NOW, sends me 5 emails about how evil I am for not wanting the drop off at home, misses the drop off time and place (bookstore), I meet them at the cafe and we almost have a scene there.
I am definitely changing the lawyer, signing Monday. Fed up with "sure, the motion could backfire, now what do you want to do?" I get better advice here.