Cops called, wife gone

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
Wish wife saw how much she is hurting her case every time she opens her mouth and sign the dang custody deal; I am afraid that the judge and the mediator will recommend stricter visitation and supervision for her than I am ready to accept, and then she and possibly the kids too will be hurt.
Well... They're already hurting, so perhaps strict visitation/supervision would actually HELP.

FWIW - many people, especially men (believe it or not) have trouble believing that a woman could possibly be manipulative, vindictive, and violent - even when they have SEEN it with their own eyes. There's a lot of jokes about vengeful women, but no one takes it seriously. Believe me. I have seen what happens to the kids who have to deal with such a mother. Even if they complain to authorities - nothing gets done, so they bury it. And the emotional toll is HORRIBLE. Onyxx is still learning to deal with what happened to her, and it's ugly.
 

miles2go

Member
Oh I believe I believe, Step. All these qualities are rather transparent in her, lying and subterfuge are not really her things (that's why narcissistic and not borderline (on top of BiPolar (BP)) is my diagnosis). So I am hoping it's fairly transparent to the mediator and judge too.
Thanks, Katia. truehope are these huge pills; even their quarters are too huge for the difficult child. So I cut them up even smaller. difficult child stopped complaining about the "minty" taste and is being a very good sport.
 

miles2go

Member
So after a week of mediator meetings the mediator recommended the wife moves back out. I still don't know what her recommendation to the court is going to be and it makes me sick inside. Wife had a psychiatric evaluation and the psychiatrist found nothing wrong with her which is mind blowing.
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
THE psychiatrist FOUND NOTHING WRONG?

Oh my. I'm praying, rattling beads, everything I can. Sounds a LOT like my kids' BM. Oh wow.

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}} for you AND your kids.
 

miles2go

Member
Also, she is using a criminal lawyer, not family kind, who's confrontational and doesn't seem to serve her well (told her to stay at house, to ask for sole custody, not to worry abt CPS etc.). Not sure if I should say it to her; probly wudn't listen to me anyway and I shouldn't help her with her moves anyhow. The mediator I am feeling will recommend temp custody for me with fuller custody evaluation later on.
I don't know, as I said I am kinda squeezed out, and still feel like I haven't told all the stories I had to tell to the mediator... Thanks for the hugs, boy that helps.
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Good ideas.
I know several guys who have custody ... but their wives took off and didn't care about the kids. That certainly made it easier, in regard to custody. Sigh. Poor kids.
Anyway, You've gotten some good advice.
How is it going?
 

miles2go

Member
Her taking off would be fine. We are going into the week before the hearing and my stamina wanes.
I am freaking out, throwing my back out, and falling asleep in the middle of the day.
I am catching on that this war will never end (until they are 18 that is) even if I do win this battle.
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
I am catching on that this war will never end (until they are 18 that is) even if I do win this battle.

You are 100% correct on that. It should not be a war - but that is why they are routinely called "custody battles"...

OK, in my humble opinion - if she's got a criminal lawyer, not a domestic relations lawyer, that's not going to help her.

You have the right to make her leave the home if she has been abusive to you or the kids. Regardless of what your lawyer says. Honestly? Your letting her stay says to the court that you don't mind. Maybe you're not really worried about her behavior. You're just being spiteful, trying to get custody. I know that this is not the case, but we had a weird judge, who kept making excuses for BM's behavior and actually threw husband in jail for 3 days for visitation issues - she would keep the kids from him for months and it was okay because he was behind on support; we kept the kids away for one entire visit because ONE of them refused to visit and the other was afraid to go, so husband went to jail. Uh. Now, keep in mind that when the order came out, it said that he was sentenced to an additional 60 days suspended because a child visited his mother on Mother's Day. Yes, that's how it read.

Many judges - male and female - will side with the mother no matter what, because it's a stereotype that fathers don't care well for their children. I know two fathers - one has full custody of 2 kids, the other has full custody of one and shared non-residential of three... BOTH are awesome fathers. Honestly both beat the snot out of the mothers in childcare. (The one with full custody of 2 - my husband - had to fight for YEARS to get his kids, and she's still playing games.)

But the fact remains that you have to look at your actions and non-actions through the eyes of a very possibly pre-prejudiced judge. Don't let anything slide. Anything. Document, document, document.
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
Hang in there and try not to stress about the years that lay ahead. You need to focus on getting through each day with as much peace and clarity for you and your kids as possible. Don't let your mind obsess over all the what-ifs. You can't do a thing about them. Your wife is not within your control either. The truth has a way of coming out, and I think that if you just keep focused on doing what you know is right for your kids, the court decisions will ultimately fall in your favor.
 

miles2go

Member
Thaks y'all, I am feeling better. She makes it easier by sending inane emails to the mediator. difficult child's mania is subsiding, too; saturday we saw a record number of meltdowns; his 5y.o. brother and I counted about 5.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I am keeping my fingers crossed for you. In our area custody is shared parenting with almost NO exceptions. So document everything and get her out NOW. The longer she is there the more the court will think you don't mind. Here you need to provide TONS of documentation that a parent is unfit (mom or dad) and is pretty much out of touch with reality.

I hope you can get what you need to keep the kids safe. Many hugs. Get her out of the home. Or else move out with the kids. Their safety is the most important step.
 

miles2go

Member
Thanks susiestar. Not sure if 'unfit' is the standard here; that would be hard to prove indeed. I am guessing the mediator will make a temporary arrangement for the wife to go to a therapist who'll report to the court or smthng. But given that the psychiatrist found her ok I wonder how good these people are at diag let alone treating a bipolar narcissist.
 

totoro

Mom? What's a difficult child?
Sheesh how could they find her OK-
But then again we are good at faking it at times... which is sad.

We were lucky as kids our Mom just left with out much of a fight, so did our Dad. I honestly can not imagine what you are feeling through all of this. Your kids as well.

I am so sorry. I am also so impressed by you.

You know I have Mental Illness, but I would hope that if it ever came to this point, which I seriously doubt, that I would do the right thing. I feel for her, but there should be more you can do to protect your kids. This is where our system fails.
 

miles2go

Member
Thanks, totoro.
I just read psychiatrist's report and it's as lame as they come, "she's not depressed or hypomanic now and she denies being so in the past", done.
As the hearing date and the mediator's report approach things are heating up -- she got her mom (lives with us) to sign more garbage, she's going to deny the testimony of our former nanny who saw lots of abuse and was forced out when she tried to protect the kids, etc.
This will probly go into custody evaluation and a full trial; the lawyers will get rich and I will get poor.
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
Does the kids' school(s) have any background info that would support your case? Teacher testimony? School psychiatric? Can you call in kids' psychiatrist/therapist to testify?
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
I just read psychiatrist's report and it's as lame as they come, "she's not depressed or hypomanic now and she denies being so in the past", done.
Yep. We had court-ordered psychiatrist who said I was a doormat, Jett was incomprehensible and likely (I kid you not she used this word) "retarded", and husband and BM were both narcissistic but it was obvious that he was physically abusing everyone ... including BM's new baby, who he was never around.

When our current lawyer took over he about had a heart attack at the report - but pointed out that for this female psychiatrist it was a GLOWING review of husband.

Hmm/
 

miles2go

Member
Gcvmom -- the short aswr is yes. But teachers, principal etc. will need to be subpoenaed. Custody evaluation will get around to talking to all those people. Sounds expensive but that's where I see things going.
 
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