Court problems

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tired mama, Feb 22, 2018.

  1. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I debated about posting this but i am just so frustrated. Some of this may be repeat from prior post but the timeline needs to be in order. I was making progress with detachment until all this and now i am not sure if i am being sucked in or not.

    In october i had to 302 my son because of multiple threats of suicide, depression. Erattic behavior including threats and chasing my car with his truck. He has never gotten physical with me but has damaged property and made threats. At the intake (even though the definition of a 302 is must be a danger to himself or others). One of the officers pressed charges of terroristic threats. My son went balistic from what they told me.

    They put him in a medically induced coma and restraints. At this time i found he had used cocaine and probably other drugs. He was kept in a coma for several days because when they tried to bring him out he was combative. When they finally moved him down to behavioral health we held a 303 hearing and he was granted up to 60 days.they started him on medications at this point. 4 days later they said he was compliant sent him to jail. I would not pay bail because i had told him no more and was already holding 2 bonds.

    Then the games began. He was transferred to another county for a case there then another and another. He was finally released with no notice a week after he should have been because there was another prisoner with the same name and they mixed up the docket numbers.

    He worked some for a friend and was having anxiety attacks so checked himself int hospital where he was feeling better but the 2 doctors couldn't agree on a medication so he was told to do outpatient therapy in a different count. He was trying to comply when he had 2 hearings on the same day. He went to one , his lawyer the other. One was his ex pushing for jail because of child support who told the court i don't want the money i want him in jail. He couldn't pay child support because he was in jail or hospital. I will admit he wasn't paying consistently anyway.

    The judge of the court he didn't go to revoked his bond and sent him to jail for 45 days with no hearing. He was then supposed to be transfered to one county for a hearing and they took him to a different one instead. So then that one put out a warrant even though he didn't have the ability to go. Then he was again scheduled for the original hearing but was taken to the one he missed so she gave him another 45 days no hearing. Now he is scheduled for the one from the 302 and the other judge scheduled for day after. No way thats going to happen. His Lawyer says he has never seen anything like it.

    Through all these transfers medications have been sporadic and not always same kind. Keep in mind until recently he was never willing to take medications. Each time he was moved it took up to a week to start medications and then he would be transferred again. Sorry for the length of this i am just frustrated.
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I have to run out but my initial reaction is that this is all his doing. He is 36 old and doing drugs. He is bipolar but if he is doing drugs he will never get better.

    I honestly would let him figure this out on his own. You should take care of yourself and hubby and enjoy life.

    A girl I went to high school with just died in her sleep last night. She was 57. Reality check!

    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you and your son is going thru all this. It sounds like the attorney needs to inform the other courts of what is happening, and verify that he was incarcerated on the days he missed.

    I know I am ankle to see dates of incarceration on our county website.
    I Hope he gets help and gets the right medications.

    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm sorry for the frustration you are feeling.

    This is all out of your hands. Your son is 36 and he has a lawyer. I understand your son is bi-polar but he still made choices that led him to be in jail. He is experiencing the natural consequences of his actions.

    You may want to think about stepping back from all of this. Part of detaching is limiting our contact with our difficult adult children. We also need to stay out of their drama and chaos. I know this is hard. It's breaks our hearts to watch this happen to our children.
    One thing I have learned about bi-polar is sometimes it's not a correct diagnosis. If someone is abusing drugs such as cocaine or other drugs, the drugs will alter their mental state. To make an accurate diagnosis of bi-polar the person needs to be drug free for quite a while.
    Even if your son's diagnosis is accurate, don't let that keep you from detaching.
    He is a 36 year old man who at some point will have to figure out life on his own.

    ((HUGS)) for your hurting heart..........
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  5. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Tiredmama, I understand your frustration. I know everyone tells us to detach and get on with our own life but damn that is hard when you are trying to make sense of your mentally ill adult grown child. We just want our children to get on track and stay on track forever. I know how hard it is to back away, but I also know how healthy and better it is when we do this for all involved. I know you want to help him, I know you are at your wits end but we really have to learn to let go and let the troubled adult take the blunt of all the bad stuff that they do. I am the worst enabler but I am making it a point to watch it and stop it. Very hard but doable and it is something that I have to think about on a daily basis. I sometimes think our troubled grown adults want us to think they are sicker than they really are so they can keep on bleeding us, like a damn vampire. Since none of my close friends have an adult child as troubled as mine, I have so much graditude for this on line support..I feel your frustration and just know so many really care about you. Since you are sharing your frustration and so many of us are pulling for you, that means it is cut in 1/2. There, can you feel it lighter? I hope so.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    First, I want to give you a great big hug. I know this is very difficult for you. I know how hard it was for my mom back when my brother lost it and was taken in for committing felony after felony and acting like an absolute crackpot.

    It is time to start to understand some things. First is that as long as drugs like cocaine are in your son's body, you won't know what mental illness he has. He needs to be without these drugs for months to a year or more to know what is going on in his brain. This means to know if he has mental illness or not, he has to be drug free for a substantial period of time. Sadly, some drugs can trigger mental illness. Even if the drug is stopped, the mental illness may not stop. It still may need treatment.

    You cannot treat your son. You cannot force his treatment to be right through the system. Yes, it would be ideal if his treatment was consistent through the various counties and cities that he offended in. Sadly, he didn't offend in only one city or county. He has to be seen in each area. You cannot make each area treat him the way you want him to be treated. You have to let go and let God. There just isn't any other way to let this happen.

    Yes, you can get upset and go to each Judge and ask for each one to order the same medication and treatment. Even if the Judge orders it, it probably won't happen. The jails just don't have the same things. Your son did the offenses and he must deal with the consequences. It isn't fun. It isn't pretty. But it is one way for him to learn.

    Rather than getting upset, spend your energy going to Alanon and working on yourself and on what you CAN do. This just seems like something that you truly cannot do.
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Offering a huge hug and support. I agree with all the advice given. Sometimes we need to consider letting go and getting out of their way.
    Drug abuse is a mental illness. MH issues are so difficult to deal with. If your son is taking street drugs and not taking his own medication in s refuakr basis this cycle will continue. Well beyond 36 years of age.
    I am sad to hear about the transfers and interference with his medication and I do hope that sorts itself out soon.
    Big hug to you.
  8. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your kind words and support. It means the world to me. I am getting pressure from his attorney to write letters and talk to people it makes it hard.
  9. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

  10. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Update son is still in jail don't think his attorney is doing anything he says he will. Have been talking to my son and after hanging up everytime he started swearing at me he was talking decently. Tonight he was more agitated and brought up his truck which i bought him before the 302 and i said i would have nothing to do with the truck. And that when he got out he was on his own and he said f you and hung up. So once again he thought everything was going to go back to call on mommy and is mad because i said it wasn't. Oh well we can but dream.
  11. Leana

    Leana New Member

    So many things out of our control. I have been putting on ear phones to my kindle and listen to utube prayers or meditation to sleep. I think it helps and drowns out my thoughts
    at night as getting sleep helps. Thinking about you tired mama. The more I detach the stronger I am. It is painful as a mother to watch them keep digging a bigger hole for themselves. We grab a shovel and just keep digging them out. Now we throw them the shovel and walk away. Once they dig themselves out they bring us back our shovel or not. My father passed away when he was 62, my age, I keep thinking my son will need to live his life without my help. Take care tired mama
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • List
  12. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Tiredmama, I am so sorry you are in the thick of your son's bad choices again. I think it would lessen your stress if you cut your talking to him time in half. Your son hanging up on you and saying F you tells me that he is not ready to take responsibility with his own life. I know how hard it was for you to say no but in reality it forces all his choices on him. I know the deepest fear in our hearts is that our child will die but in reality they know this and will play on this and torment us with this. Troubled children will see and sense the fear in us and use it against us, that is why it has dragged on as long as it has plus the little bit of fake kindness we see here and there keeps us stuck. The detaching process is really the only healthy option we have that will help set everything in motion because nothing else will. What helped me the most when I had to completely detach from my daughter was looking death straight in the face and saying to myself I have no control over this, this is HER journey and she is using manipulation against me to keep me in her web of chaos,lies, confusion, turmoil and gigantic mess. Predators can smell our gentle hearts, they don't care about anything except using us and abusing us and when we remove ourselves from their mess they are forced to either grow mentally or continue making their life harder, some get tired of living in their own turmoil and others grow but some take a long time to grow. Wish there was a way you could take a full break from the misery your son creates. Just yesterday I decided to not talk to my daughter as much, I believe it helps me sleep better. I sure hope you can find a way to lessen your stress and grief.
  13. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I have shut the house phone off for today and am going out to run errands. I may treat myself to a haircut lol.
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  14. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi Tired mama, I hope you got the best haircut in the world and not one that gave you stress. At least turning the phones off gives you some peace and you do not have to be spiritually harmed by your own son. Once he sees that you have concrete boundries in place it will force him to change. I am so sorry for your wicked struggle. Just know I am there walking with you.
  15. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your support i don't think i would even be as far as i am without you. Bless you all for your support and may we all have success in the near future.
  16. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    New subject just need to vent. I cant give a lot of details but my ex daughter in law has taken major advantage of me. She has been doing with my acceptance in codependent mode so i could stay close to my granddaughter. But today i found out i have been royally taken advantage of. It is going to cost me a lot of money but i don't want to jepardize my relationship with my granddaughter we are very close. So not only am i taken advantage of by my son now her. I knew i was doing more than i should so i am mad at myself too . i am ready for a cabin in the woods with no phone and no computer. Have to have a tv but not a smart one. I really need to learn to say noooooo!