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CPS....opinions.....what would you do?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by BusynMember, May 25, 2019.

  1. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I need honest feedback. I am so undecided. On one hand my daughter already isnt speaking to me but this would seal the deal and I love her and I know she loves Jaden. He is well fed and she, not liking to work, is with him 24/7 doing very interesting things with him as they homeschool. They spank him but do t beat him. They are fairly loving. But Jaden. lives on an island. No real family who would watch to make sure he is healthy. Once a week homeschool group that are all against vaccines and medicine. No personal friends ever come over. Lee is antisocial and any friends Kay makes he chases away. No teachers as they homeschool. No outside classes. Jaden is home or at the store with his mom 90 percent of the time. They dont know their neighbors most who are friendly but hispanic and they cant communicate.

    These are my.concerns. i know its long. Please bear with me.

    They smoke weed in front of him and deliberately blow pot smoke in his face because they both strongly believe that pot makes children healthy and smart. Kay smoked pot while pregnant for this reason. If you look on the internet some people believe this! I don't think it is legal to do this even in pot friendly states. When I told my doctor, he told me I must call cps. Its not that easy for me.

    My grandson is almost four. He has only seen a medical doctor once in his life. He was maybe a year old. The pediatrician he went to told Kay that if they wont vaccinate Jaden he wont take him as a patient. After that they called all over looking for a doctor who was cool with this. I think they found one who practiced Eastern medicine,but she was booked very far out and I am not sure he ever went. He sees a homeopath now and that's it. They are not doctors and don't go to medical school. I am terrified that Jaden will get something like strep, which Kay got so often as a child. If her homeopath told her to go to a doctor for Jaden, she has indicated to me that she will not as she knows how to get the body to cure infections. Plus she feeds him such a healthy diet he will never get sick. When I said "Honey, everyone gets sick" she said "Oh God, Mom! You are a stupid sheeple. NOBODY ever has to ever get sick as long as they eat right and keep a healthy immune system with vitamins! You are brainwashed by Big Pharma!"

    She then told me she can prevent and cure cancer and people are stupid to do chemo. Kay has HPV and had pre cancer back in the day when she went to doctors. She had a procedure and was told to come back. She never went back. God knows if she is cancer free but I cant control her as worried as I am. This is about Jaden.

    I called cps since everyone I spoke with told me to and I was put on a cps call list. They were so busy they are going to call me back. I have had second thoughts. My husband and two kids told me gently to forget it and let it go and mind my own busineas.

    I don't know that cps will or can do anything based on what I say anyway. I am leaning toward just letting it go because nothing has happened yet and the pot smoke would be their word against mine. They are savvy and wont let cps in without a warrant. So they would have time to prepare. Anyone work for or have experience with cps? What would you do? I am so torn. I really just want them on the radar because there is nobody else keeping an eye on Jaden.

    Thoughts?
     
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    CPS is different in each state, each county. I live in No. California and when my granddaughter was 11 I went to court for guardianship and I did call CPS. Fortunately I met a social Worker thru CPS who helped me thru the entire case and in fact appeared in court on my behalf. My experience with CPS was a positive one, however, I don't believe that is the typical experience.

    My understanding is that they will remove the child if they believe the child is in danger, however, they mostly try to keep the child with his parents. Given the issues you're concerned about, CPS may or may not intervene, being isolated without the usual health care may not meet any criteria they have for danger. When I made the decision to call CPS and begin Guardianship, I was willing to raise my granddaughter...... Are you prepared to take your grandson? I have no direct experience of any negatives with CPS however, I have heard that they can invade your life in ways that are heavy handed.

    It's a hard call because you don't know what CPS will do. I think I would give it more thought before calling them in. But, I am not in the situation, you are.....perhaps gather more information, do some research into your local CPS......and, always, follow your instincts.
     
  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I can just see them scrambling to get the pot smell out of the furniture and carpet. They'll probably go crazy spraying Febreze and using all the scented oil and wax they can get their hands on!
     
  4. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I don't live in that state. I have seen much during visits. Stuff that made my toesc but I figured Id visit often and keep an eye out.i am uninvited now.

    While I am too old to reasonably raise a child so young, Lee's parents are young enough. So is my daughter. She has two kids already but she adores Jaden and her husband is a love. But I never asked her if she would raise Jaden. Nor have I asked Lee's parents. Lee is their only child so he has only them to do it and I don't know if they will.

    Pot is legal in their state for medicinal purposes and the two have cards. The issue with pot is blowing the smoke in a childs face so that he ingests it. They take his head, pull him close, and blow the pot at his face so he can inhale the "healthy plant." I doubt if that is legal but I cant prove they did it although I have seen it a few times and was told that the pot is good for him.
     
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I would not discuss who would step up to care for grandson...it would just come across as scheming to the parents. And invariably your daughter will think you've been planning this all along.

    Ksm
     
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I don't want Jaden to be taken away. I just want my grandson to be watched and the parents warned to make sure he gets healthcare if sick.i want them on the radar. That's probably too much to expect though. It scares me that he is going to be so isolated but I am unsure that CPS would care enough to do anything.

    I dont believe anything has been done yet that is so bad Jaden would be removed.

    Yet. Is it only a matter of time?

    For now I cant believe he would be removed. I am not sure it is worth the chaos it could cause everybody we love so much.
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2019
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I had a lot of contact with cps in my state in my old job. There are some great dedicated cps workers and some not so great. In our state you can call in and keep who called anonymous.

    Your role as someone calling in is to share your concerns. It is their job to determine if the concerns warrant an investigation and/or services.
    I doubt from what you said that they would remove the child from the home. They may however open a case which would allow them to be involved and keep an eye out.

    My opinion is it is worth a phone call. My biggest concern is that lee is antisocial and chases possible friends away. That sounds very controlling and is a big red flag of possible abuse.

    TL
     
  8. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Thanks. He is abusive and has isolated Kay from everyone pretty much. But she allows it.
     
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    She may not feel she has a choice. You might want to call a local domestic violence program to get support for you and resources when she is ready. This is something to mention to cps because that might be a real concern for them.
     
  10. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Oh, I have tried and tried to get her to go to the domestic violence shelter. She has called ME begging to let her come home after a brawl and we always say yes, come. She never leaves him. When he got arrested for choking her she wouldn't press charges. In fact she was upset that Jaden was afraid of Lee for a few days. Jaden had been on her lap when he choked her but she didn't tell the cops about that.

    I have given up on Kay right now. Jaden is my concern.
     
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Definitely call CPS. I worked for a domestic violence agency and it was in that job that i saw CPS do some really good work. I understand your feelings about giving up on Kay but I am here to tell you that I saw many women finally leave after years of abuse. Leaving is a process. The most important thing you can do is what you are doing...being there for her when she does call. She needs to know you will be there when she is finally ready to leave. And yes Jaden needs protection.
     
  12. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Busy,
    I have grands who were subjected to who knows what while their biological parents were chasing their high. My first contact with CPS was a call years ago that my daughter was accused of smoking pot while breastfeeding her third child. Hubs and I ended up with all three, two in diapers while CPS enforced outpatient rehab and counseling, which we had to make a monthly trek to go to with the intention of reuniting the family. It worked for a short time, until the whole circus started up again. We received no help financially and pretty much blew our savings on diapers, clothes, food and formula. I don’t know if things would be different now. I think we had a really shady social worker who was too lazy to help us get help.
    Anyway.
    I have called CPS a couple of times with concerns for my grandchildren. The response was not what I had imagined. Not much was done. Here in Hawaii they rely a lot on Catholic Charities for counseling, etc. My grands kind of fell through the cracks in the system, the older they got, the less response. I think the system here is very overwhelmed with cases and they focus on infants and toddlers.
    I am still glad I called for my own peace of mind that I did something. But, CPS can be a tricky road, being that if children are removed from a home and put into foster care, what kind of care are they getting?
    I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I understand the frustration and heartache. To have a wayward adult child coupled with grands and the knowledge they are not living a normal life is heart wrenching. My daughter would come and go with her three, as long as we were housing them we had contact. She would “punish” us with no contact often using the grands as pawns.
    Sigh.
    Last brutal encounter, I spent my summer helping Mom get a TRO against her abusive baby daddy, (again)....only to find him in our home weeks later. Long story short, she took off after a hellish morning with the kids while screaming they were HER kids, not mine.
    As a grandmother, I had no rights.
    Seems everything we have done has no merit with the parents.
    But, my grands remember.
    Hubs suffered illnesses through all of this and passed three years ago.
    I had to stand my ground of not allowing my two home, and not becoming rescue grandma.
    I couldn’t. I had to take care of my son.
    The parents eventually went completely bonkers.
    The grands preferred to stay with their paternal grandparents. They come for visits here. They are remarkably well for all they have been through.
    Sorry for my rambling memories. It has been awhile since I have posted and it’s all coming out again.
    We tried to help our daughter get away from her abusive boyfriend, she kept bringing him back into the picture which made our home a battleground. I know victims of domestic violence need to feel supported. It can take some time before they decide to leave. So, take time to take care of yourself and think things through. It is heart wrenching to see your adult child and grandchild in this difficult spot.
    As one who has walked this journey, I feel for your aching heart and desire to find a remedy. There is only so much anyone of us can do, when we are dealing with adults who will do as they choose. The hardest part is the fact that the grands have no say in any of this. I had to rely a lot on prayer to get me through some very tough times. Especially the Serenity prayer. I think that works even if you are not religiously inclined. Acceptance that some things are the way they are and realizing you may not be able to fix it. One thing that really helped me was a new friend who grew up with two addicted parents and had the tough life that goes with that. She said that times she spent with her grandparents, however few and far between helped her tremendously. She remembered their kindness and normal conventional lifestyle.

    Take one day at a time and keep posting. The kindness and understanding from folks here is immeasurable. I have been pulled up from some very dark spots due to the wisdom and grace flowing from this site.
    Hang in there!
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  13. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Appreciate everyone. There is much to worry about between Kay and Lee, but my big concern is Jaden. I am thinking that a domestic abuse center wont step up for a little boy and Kay doesnt think Lee abuses her.She She says she slaps him too so its equal and she isnt concerned. She wont even talk to them. I am also leery of cps. That's on hold for now. I have heard some horror stories. I am truly also afraid to anger them.

    We are in our 60's not healthy, and could never be sure we could care long term for a three year old. So we cant step up. If he were taken. That really isn't our goal. We just want him watched. But if CPS wants to take him, nobody is set up to take him.

    For now one day at a time. Giving this burden to God
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2019
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I thought Lee's parents were.
     
  15. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    They could. They are in their fifties. It has not been discussed with us recently. I would hope they would do it and would expect it. They expressed an interest at one time but right now everyone is confused and both sides are struggling with what is best. There is a lot of day to day changing of what is best for Jaden. Not to mention we are all afraid that any interference will result in retaliation. Kay has told me that she would say we abused Jaden if we ever turned her in. Nobody wants that yet we all love Jaden. We are a confused and frightened family. And concerned.
     
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Wow. She's a real doll, isn't she?

    If you ever decided to call I would tell the CPS worker of this threat. This in itself is abusive. And there is a record of calls to police about them isn't there? And prior CPS involvement?

    Busy. I think Kay is abusive too. The way she talks to you, threatens you, what she has done to you, with all the help and love you've given her. I would try to get in touch with my anger...
     
  17. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Ugh what a mess, I’m so sorry. It came to the point with my grands that we chose their safety above any kind of reaction we would get from their parents over calling CPS. Their parents were adults making horrible choices, the kids had no say in the matter. My Hoku is adamant that any attention she gives in this situation will be towards her niece and nephews, rather than her off the rails sister. Her rationalization being that her sister is an adult and should know and do better, for herself and her kids.
    That's just my story. A bit different than yours, but there are similarities, the fear of retaliation and so on. Presently, Tornado and the kids father have virtually no contact, they are far too swept up in their drug hazed world.
    Hang in Busy and read up as much you can. Take very good care of yourself. It is important to know how much this takes out of you, and be kind to yourself.
     
  18. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Its a mess. I would definitely tell the threat. Right now we are all kind of flondering. As you can tell. Today we are taking time off to go to a barbecue.

    Thanks!
     
  19. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I've called CPS on my daughter at least 5 times (I can't remember exactly how many) in 2 different states. I've had varying degrees of assistance from them. At the very least if you call they will do a home visit and I felt like opening a case would provide a safety net for my granddaughter and provide documentation. This last time I called they followed up with me and let me know what had happened, then had my daughter create a "safety plan" and sent it to me. I told my daughter when I called because I honestly felt like if she was in such a mess that her own mother thought it important to call CPS then she needed to know. She never really got very mad at me about it, it was more like she got scared and kind of broke down. And my daughter has a ferocious temper. Also whenever CPS has gotten involved it scares the crap out of her and straightens her up for a period of time.
     
  20. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I had a client once who was involved with a very dangerous man whom she thought had changed from his bad reputation. I was working out of a police department and knew about his very dangerous history. Cps was called and they told her she had to develop a safety plan with me. She was really mad about it but she knew me from a previous situation shed been in. So she called me and we developed a safety plan even though she thought it unneccessary. A couple weeks later she called me to thank me because a very bad scenario took place and she acted on the safety plan which may have saved her life!