darkness of being alone

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Jan 10, 2020.

  1. So got a call this early am from my son.... tells me he needed to talk in hopes of feeling better so he could get some sleep.. apparently the girl he was seeing 'screwed him over" and he can't trust her. Everyone he trusts screws him over...
    told us he was not good mentally and was worried about being alone. When he is alone, he gets very dark mentally. I suggested AA meetings, a sober gym/social place, etc. Was told that is not why he called me... he called so he could talk to feel better...
    Seriously don't know what to do or say anymore.
    I would love to tell him to volunteer, to find a church, etc. but it is like talking to a wall.
    I don't know what this weekend will bring with him alone. For those who don't know my story, my son lives over 1500 miles from home. He has not family where he lives- never cared for his family anyway.
    Always says he needs a girlfriend to feel whole. Will not listen to the recommendations of working on himself before getting into a relationship.
    I have turned him over to God. It is what is is. What happens happens. I am just scared but literally can't do any more than I have.
     
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. I do think giving him to God is a good decision.

    Your son can't possibly be that dark when he is alone or he would not stay 1500 miles from family. He could come back. Think about it.

    His need for a girlfriend is sad and difficult. Nobody can make anyone happy. We have to make ourselves happy. Plus your son's problems will scare off partners. He could change the latter by getting sober but he won't even let you discuss it.

    You did your best. Know this and hopefully find peace today. God bless you both.
     
  3. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    I'm so sorry for your hurt and sorrow. It is so hard sometimes to practice all the things we should..."be the change", "turn them over to God" "let them learn from their consequences". Even tougher when no advice is taken on what they could possibly do to get into a better position. It's their journey as much as we'd like to steer it in a different direction there is nothing we can do to force the change on them.

    Try to take care of yourself amidst this. Ward off thoughts that will bring you down and make you think you have any control over making him better or talking sense into him.

    Pray, read, meditate, find something to laugh about and take the focus off his sadness. Our mind can take off on us and we in an instant have the worst case scenario of the future layed out before us.

    So difficult but one day at a time and lots of prayer and turning him over to God.

    Sending hugs.
     
  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    He needs to get really creative with a hobby. It does not need to be expensive. I don't know why everyone says knitting is a woman's hobby. It keeps the hands busy, eases stress, and makes the hours fly by. I am terrible at it, but time flies and it really helps calm me.
     
  5. We have tried telling him to find a hobby. He seriously does nothing but go to work and then go to his apartment and smoke weed/drink. He has severe depression as well. So down on himself . I am not sure with his job. I know he does really well when he is there. He isolates at work as well. Doesn't have any friends. When he was in rehab and the counselor would talk to us she told us he really gets "in his own head and it isn't good"
    He left sober living after 30 days because he wanted a girlfriend and couldn't have one while in sober living... He stopped outpatient therapy because it made him feel not normal and that he couldn't have a relationship..
    Just won't work on himself at all. Refuses to go to the gym at his apartment. just sits alone.
     
  6. Across The Pond

    Across The Pond New Member

    This story is very sad indeed tryingtobestrong. Sorry for your pain

    Our son is very detached from us and does not take our very good advice either. In fact he says anything we suggest he does not want to do because we said so, so we do not suggest much anymore
    Our son's life is at a standstill, so I kind of know a bit how you feel.

    I have had to relinquish every aspiration I ever had for him. He does not even have a job. I cannot hope that he ever will. I want the best for him but am having to accept that there is nothing i can do to change him unless he makes changes. It's his life and i feel it's important that his choices do not take the joy out of my own life so i try not to ruminate or get involved. I call it 'his business'.

    Maybe your son does just want to talk/connect to you, but needs to find his own solutions. There are ways you can talk to encourage him to think about things and use his own resources to find solutions, or just be there with him holding his hand on the other end of the phone, agreeing that life can be hard sometimes but not trying to change him.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2020
  7. He called tonight.... sounded like he was intoxicated. misplaced his keys for his apartment and wanted to go back to work apparently left work early and took a long nap... Said he was frustrated because he couldn't find his keys... I got frustrated as well because I seriously have my own troubles in life and he could give two sh*Tourette's Syndrome. I told him to go down to the office and explain you need to purchase another key and I would pay for it. Once he started saying how sick he was I had to hang up my connection and left my husband talk to him... I can't take it anymore. WE have done so much and have paid so much out for treatment and he doesn't listen. He hung up then... I called the apartment office and explained the situation.. The man told me that my son did come down and they gave him a key but he told him he better just stay home tonight because he was not good shape... I asked if he was intoxicated and he said he couldn't answer that... so that was a yes. Unbelievable. He wonders why he can't stay in a relationship.... try getting sober and working on yourself once but NOOOOOOO why would he do that. Sorry everyone, I am at my end with him. I hate feeling this way but I can't do this anymore.
     
  8. Across The Pond

    Across The Pond New Member

    This forum is here for you to get out these emotions ... no need to say sorry

    It hurts when we see our kids struggle. You have had enough of looking on as he ruins his life.
     
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Trying I am sorry this has been such a long road for you and all of us. While I don’t see a whole lot of change with your son, I sense from your posting that you are getting stronger in your reaction and response. That is a great thing, for him and for you. Please don’t apologize for being at your end with him, that is a natural and healthy response towards a loved one who continues on the same dark path. There are some variations that are encouraging from my perspective having two addicted daughters who have never been through treatment. He has tried rehab and sober living. Those are baby steps.
    I am more encouraged that you are giving this to God and knowing that you cannot do anything to change or control his choices. This is a giant step towards disentangling from his disease. It doesn’t mean you do not love him, you are stepping back and allowing him to own his consequences. Keep up your strength, Trying, take very good care of yourself. It is hard knowing our beloveds have struggles, but when they are ready and willing to accept help, they can. I have long given in to the notion that anything I say or do will help my two. I have not given up hope that they will one day find their potential. I pray for that often. I just can’t and won’t be emotionally vested in that outcome more than they are. It turns me into a hot mess. That is a waste of my life.
    That is nothing to be sorry about dear sister, just an absolute fact.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy