Daughter being hateful advice please

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hurt mom, Jul 4, 2018.

  1. hurt mom

    hurt mom New Member

    Hi Im 54 I am new on here and I am thankful I found this site I am in need of someone to talk to.
    My daughter is 31 years old and has hurt me for the last time, I dont know if I can ever for give her for this one! She has abused mentally talks horrible to me. She has torn the hole family apart. My son will not speak to me. My mother used to tell me that it was her doing all of this but I didnt want to believe her. Now I do and it is to late to tell Mom she was right for she passed away 7 years ago.
    My daughter constantly bashes me. I have been so good to her. Helped her with money, Car payments, Deposits Clothes what ever I can. I am single and her Daddy and I have been divorced for 23 years. She blames me for every thing that go's wrong in her life. She down grades me uses me for my clothes when she need something thats when she comes around other wise Im not good enought!
    Shes on a cruise right now with all women no men where going. It has been planned for 4 months. With her mother ln Law that is the same age as me. Her mother in laws sister, Friends . I know them all and we get along fine. I ask my daughter if I could go too and she said No your not family! I never been so hurt in my life! Her Mother in Law just posted a picture of her and my daughter on the ship on facebook . I cant even look at it with out crying. I feel so alone, used, hurt. I tried to tell my daughter before she left that I feel left out and hurt and she said sorry thats to bad Mom just get over it! I cant even look at these picks and dont know how I can for give her for doing me this way. I loved her and treat her so good when she is ugly to me I just brush it off I take her to lunch invite her to go shopping with me. I ask her to go with me and my friends all the time. She tells me I am her Mom and her best friend! Apperantly thats not true. I always for give her but this time I just dont know!
  2. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for your need to be here but welcome. Many of us have adult children who use us then abuse us. Mine included. He also caused trouble between me and his brothers although that has improved. I know your heart must be broken. My advise to you is to play it cool. Don't contact your daughter when she comes home let her contact you. If she wants something tell her sorry can't help. If she can afford a cruise she doesn't need your help. Focus on yourself join some groups and make some new friends. Spend time doing things you love. There is an article under parents emeritus about detachment please read it. Others will reply soon.
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  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I agree with Tired Mama 300 percent. Take care of your own needs. You cant make your daughter into a kind person but you can bring people who value your kindness and goodness into your life and you can still have a great life. You can start doing the things you love to do again. There is much out there for you.

    Therapy can help. We sometimes need a neutral third party to help us see things straight and help us pick up the pieces of our lives and make them whole. Your dsughter knows darn well that she is hurting you but maybe is nice to you when you take her out and buy her things. At any rate , this is hard to cope with but a good therapist can help you cope and do well.

    Light and love!
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  4. hurt mom

    hurt mom New Member

    Thank you for you Reply I have been trying to stay away, I'ms just not the mean person that she is. I cave when she call swith her nice self and forgive her. I get mad at my self for doing it because I know she will do it again. But I have finally made my mind up to not let her get away with this anymore. She has kept me away from my Son and my Grandaughter. She tells me she's mad at him then turns around and visits him. Then post pics of herself with my grandaughter. She doesnt care if it hurts me. She cant have any Children and acts like she is her Child and doesnt want me around. I just dont know I love her she is my only daughter and I hate it to be like this. I just cant take the hurt anymore. I have ask my Son what I did to him and He will not answer me. I would apologize if I knew what I did. I have no Idea. My daughter says he's just mental and does'nt care about anyone but his self. I think she when she goes to his house she talks bad about me. She has torn us all apart. When she was younger she would play the swich a roo game with me and her Daddy. When She was with him she would talk about me. When she was with me she would talk about him. She has kept us fighting for years. All I know is it has taken every thing I have not to comment today on the picture of her and her Mother In Law on the ship all dressed up and The Mother In Law says.. To The Best Daughter in Law a Mom could have! I want to get on there and say really thats why her mom is home crying right now feeling left out hurt! Thank you for the invite. I know the mother in law cares Less! I just dont want to lower my self like that. I am so done . This to me was the Ultimate hurt.
  5. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    I feel horrible for you. They sound like they are acting like the mean girls in 9th grade, They want you to see what they are doing and for you to feel badly. I remember kids in middle school trying to hurt my daughter like that. wanting to show her via social media that they were having fun and she wasn't included.
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  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am so very sorry you were hurt like this. any mother would feel as you do.

    I think what your daughter said about you not being family is one of the cruelest things I have heard in a long time. If it were not so laughable in its stupidity, I would cry for you. But she is acting like a total spoiled brat. what she said is meaningless. Please do not take it personally.

    I think you have gotten good advice.

    Try as hard as you can to stay away from these people. Look for support from kind people.

    I was left out by my mother and sister. And then, as my mother was dying, my sister dumped her.

    There is no explaining why people do wrong, mean things. Except they choose to.

    You have the capacity and possibility to choose to turn towards kindness and to not seek care where you will only be kicked in the teeth.

    Your daughter could not have been clearer in her message to you. About who she is and chooses to be.

    Maya Angelou said it best, to paraphrase:

    When somebody tells you who they are, believe them.

    Meanwhile. Welcome. I hope you keep posting. It helps.
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  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Hurt, I'm so sorry for your heartache.

    You sound like a very loving and giving person. These are traits that can open us up to being used, even by our own children.

    Okay, so your daughter went on a cruise with her mother in law and family on that side. I can see where you would feel left out. Your daughter has made new relationships with her mother in law and other family members, however, you are still her mother and her words to you to were very cruel. Take a step back and just breathe. I am reminded of something my mother used to say, "it's not what you say, it's how you say it"
    I am hoping that your daughter meant to say something like "Mom, I love you and wish you could go but this trip is for the girls on my husbands side of the family". Her choice of words were very harsh.
    I know several woman who take girls trips with their mother in laws and sister in laws and cousins from their husbands side of the family.
    Something I learned some time ago on my own journey with my son is to not let him know how I feel because he will use my feeling against me.
    When you told your daughter how hurt you were and she said to just get over it, was like pouring salt into your wound.

    Your daughter is 31. If she can afford to go on a cruise then it's obvious she does not need your financial support for clothes, loans, car payments, etc........
    I understand a mother's love wanting to do things for their child but when it becomes a situation where the child is no longer grateful and instead expects it, then it's time to step back, especially if she is being unkind to you.
    The next time she wants your clothes or something else, simply tell her no. I say simply but I know it's not always that easy. You know your daughter and you know what kinds of things she will ask for. Something that has helped me and many others here is to have some standard, simple answers.
    Daughter: Mom, I really need some money.
    Mom: Gee, that's too bad honey.
    Daughter: Mom, you have to give me some money.
    Mom: I'm not able to help you.
    Daughter: I know you have the money, why won't you give it to me, I'll pay you back!
    Mom: I'm not able to help you.
    Daughter: Why are you being like this? I need help!
    Mom: I'm sure you will be able to figure something out.
    Daughter: If you loved me you would help me!
    Mom: I love you but I'm not able to help you.
    Daughter: I hate you!!
    Mom: I'm sorry you feel that way.
    Daughter: Why won't you help me??
    Mom: I'm not able to help you.
    Daughter: But why??
    Mom: I'm done discussing this.
    At this point you need to walk away or hang up the phone.
    It's always easier on the phone. When you have had enough you simply say "someone's at the door, gotta go, love ya, bye"
    The main thing is to not engage into a debate. When we tell our children no we do not owe them any kind of explanation.

    As for your daughter blaming you for everything that's not gone well in her life, we've all been there!
    This a tactic that is used to try and make us feel guilty. You see when we wallow in "guilt" we are more likely to give into our children's demands. Don't buy into her blame game. She is a grown woman who is capable of making her own decisions. Do not allow her to hold your emotions hostage.

    It's so easy for a parent to lose their own identity and just be "Mom" or "Dad" You have a name (but you don't need to share it here) You need to take your own life back and live for yourself. Find and do things that bring you joy.
    Be good to yourself!
    Below is a link to an article on detachment. Give it a read.
    Article on Detachment
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  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Rise above this. You know the truth and that's all that matters. If the base of your daughter's relationships with others is based on what they can give her or do for her, it's only a matter of time before this becomes apparent.
    As hard as it may be, please don't look at her FB posts.
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  9. Origami

    Origami Active Member

    I'm thinking that the less you react to your daughter's slights and meanness, the less power she'll have in the relationship. You can't have a fight if both people don't participate, right? She'll either continue trying to upset you, or she'll go her merry way. Either way, you don't need to engulf yourself in her drama.

    Also, I've found that people who are truly mean-spirited can't keep up the facade forever, and others will eventually learn that maybe she exaggerated anything bad she said about you. So again, as Tanya said, "Rise above this."
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  10. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    I just read your story and I am so sad for you. What she did and said to you is extremely hurtful. I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now. Cut her off plain and simple. I hate to sound harsh but this is so not okay. Cut her off and find happiness in your own life and post pictures about it all on facebook.
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  11. hurt mom

    hurt mom New Member

    Thank you all very much for your compassion and support. I really appreciate it and I am going to take all of the advice that you have given me. I did not like or dislike any of the pictures on Facebook. Nor did I comment. she has been home since yesterday and has not text or called me. Apparently the sense of guilt is getting to her. I'm sitting back and staying cool like you all said. Calling one of my friends tomorrow to go to the winery and have a glass of wine. Which I used to invite my daughter but I am no longer going to do that. Thank you again the site is amazing I wish I would have found it a long time ago. I will learn how to use it and hopefully I can help others like you all have helped me.
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  12. Marsha

    Marsha New Member

    KARN (or Hurt Mom), I'm going to tell you the very same "truths" that I, too, need to hear, and hear often enough so that I remember and feel these MORE strongly than the love that I still have for my own 30-year-old daughter!
    IF your daughter doesn't yet treat you with even the most basic respect that EVERY human being deserves, she likely won't - EVER. For she lacks ANY "real" empathy or understanding of you as a person. "You" exist ONLY to serve and to benefit her, and as her EXCUSE for "her" poorer judgements and decisions! What these sort of supposed-adults "claim" to be love for us, is NOT! And they're NOT willing to give up "their versions" of you for any REAL relationship, because it benefits "them" too much.
    My daughter also treats me with rancid contempt, is quick to judge and to criticize and to RAGE at me. (Of course, she criticizes and puts down everyone else, as well.) According to her, I am the WORST "mother," also was NEVER "there for her,'" never wanted her to succeed or have a good life, etc, etc.! And the HORSE-CRAP goes on and on. It's as endless as her anger. In my daughter's case, it is ALL about "control" and "manipulation" - as it seems to be with yours!
    Mine was WARNED by a professional of crossing the final line into Anti-Social Personality Disorder at age 19 - and she definitely crossed it!
    Just this week she posted HER "version" of me needing to take (legal) pain medications for spinal-cord injuries from a car accident on Facebook, along with photos she took of me sleeping during an overnight at her house some awhile back. SHE dubbed it "passed out." When I complained to her, I got this response: I'M "entitled, as it affected/affects me. Her logic is flawed! See, I DOUBT she'd like ME advertising her several ABORTIONS, yet those affected ME. The last just a year ago because she was too "lazy" to get birth-control, and only MONTHS before again getting pregnant. (Had that baby.)
    What got her out of my house (permanently) was PRISON after her third DUI by age 22 when someone was hurt. She's still on probation, by the way, as she rages HER "criticisms" in screamfests at me.
    Won't EVEN go into details of her years from age 13 on, which included MORE counseling sessions (family and individual), doctors and psychiatrists than I WANT to remember. I had her arrested several times for beating on me, and juvenile officers and courts were involved for her skipping school for MONTHS of schoolyears and running away for DAYS (nearly every week, for years) on end! Put herself into situations, twice, to be raped, because she REFUSED to listen to ANY ONE. (I think I'm still traumatized from ALL the hell and hurt she put me through during all those years!) She had me arrested once, too, for "child abuse,' yet she was the one who harmed ME - not the other way around. (Though now I wish I HAD beat her!)
    I finally cut her off for about 1-1/2 years when she was in prison for her continued emotional and mental abuse from even behind bars. While I still "yearned for," loved and missed my child (terribly!) - at least I had some "peace" during that time. We later began communicating again, and I had thought that my "saying enough" had heled us greatly! We seemed closer than ever! UNTIL the day she was released, that is! And it's been "PAYBACK," ever since. (How DARE I quit on her!) ... People used to tell me that she would be the death of me in some way or the other, and I now believe it! I ask for "nothing" from my daughter anymore, not to repay me a cent of the thousands her decisions have cost me (even my car,) to a moment of her time because she USES every moment to criticize and belittle me!
    I am single, diverced for many years. She never "let" me have any relationships while we were both younger, and it seemed unfair, as she was SO NASTY to even my friends. I've lost other friends due to her behavior, and as I age others have died. I live in severe physical pain, and no longer have the energy or desire to do things I used to enjoy.
    By putting my daughter "first" (I thought I was being a "GOOD mother") - I helped her to destroy me. DON'T make the same mistakes!
    For people like our daughters, no matter HOW MUCH we love them, they do NOT change, WON'T change - and will only CONTINUE to 'USE" and to "TAKE!" Save YOURSELF!
  13. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    i am so sorry to hear about the abuse you have endured and happy you have found this site where you will be treated with empathy and support.

    i, like the others who have responded, have suffered abuse from two of my adult children. i have ano relationship with one, and am ikeep diminishing contact with the other. no contact is better. i feel grief, but also definitely relief.

    warm thoughts to you.