daughter gone bonkers

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Jul 10, 2018.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Mostly a vent. Angry and frustrated. :(

    Our daughter is 30. diagnosis’d ADHD and bipolar in elementary school. Then suffered a brain aneurysm at age nine. Had brain surgery. She is medication compliant. Had many many years of therapy. She is crazy jealous of her brother, who is biological. He is successfully employed, happily married etc.
    She is adopted. Can be very bizarre at holidays. This started from the beginning!!!!

    A year or so ago, we had to talk with her , which is very tough, because she often becomes hysterical if you mention that she did something that upset you. This is one of her “traits” I loathe.

    She was doing better, but upset many folks at Fourth of July with her oddball behaviors. Note: She will say things to extended family that aren’t even true like “my brother liked hamburgers and so my mom made all of us eat hamburgers six days a week!!!!”

    We now live in separate cities. So, we pay for her to take the train to stay with us and attend any holuday functions.

    She was miserable this holiday. But, we didn’t say much of anything. We bent over backwards to be helpful and calming. Our son was the same. He even took her out to a place he knew she would like. She was weird, rude and didn’t thank him.

    Then when she got home, we get an email letter from her. This is the gist of it...much actual verbiage:

    I’m sorry I’m not perfect and don’t have a job.
    I’m sorry I am not thin or look like a model.
    I’m sorry I’m not more independent...but you are the ones that insisted on a payee.
    You wanted to adopt a girl , so you picked me, I did not pick you.

    Ok. I’m ticked. Cry me a river. I’m tired of this same song and dance. This adoption card. Enough.

    Husband said this all came about because she wanted to borrow money and he said no. The day before he gave her $20 for something and that wasn’t enough.
    She is hideous with money. Almost scarey.

    We looked at our expenses last month and were blown away at how much we inadvertently loaned her. We budget her money and try to stick to that and usually do but sometimes understand unusual things come up. But, lately she seems to have many “unusual” things come up so NO.

    Hence the weirdo letter.

    She is so obese, she now breathes heavy when she walks. She is a smoker. Diabetes runs in her bio family. Of course I’m concerned about her overweight. I rarely mention it anymore. She almost goes out of her way to get heavier eating large fries, double cheeseburgers and extra large cokes.

    She gets significantly more from us than her brother in so many ways...# 1 is time.

    I’m sooooo tired of this I could scream. Enoughhhhhh.

    After begging my husband for money today and Both of us saying noooooi, she gave up.

    Tonight she called (all sweet) and said she needed money for a new shirt. Doubtful. Said she had an event coming up and most of her shirts don’t fit. Husband said if she apologized for that nonsense letter, he would get the shirt. She said she shouldn’t have to apologize for her feelings. She has a small point.

    But these feelings are based on what? yes, we would like things to be better but accept her. We only ask that she is polite and do better with money. WTH? I think that is loving and fair. This is her baggage. Enough.


    We are sick and tired of her song and dance about how we do this that and the other thing to her that is either blatantly false or grossly exaggerated and beyond sick and tired of her ruining holidays. Also tired of this bizarre over reaction with her brother.

    I thought she was improving, but she wasn’t. I’m a little intimidated by her because if you try to point out anything to her she might fly off the handle...even in the presence of children.

    Of course, that would permanently end her holiday trips.

    And other oeople found her loud, peculiar and she made them uncomfortable with her bizarre stories insinuating that her parents were so awful.

    Any suggestions?
    Maybe separate holidays?
    She will be ok for awhile, but is not to be trusted...especially (big time) around her brother who she is insanely (literally) jealous of.

    We visited her where she lives last month and she was fine. Omg. But anywhere near her brother and she goes nuts. Oddly, although her brother is doing very well, he has quirks like everyone and we are all aware of them. Sadly, she likes telling everyone too. He keeps his mouth shut about her, but she is a walking advertisement for strange all by herself (goes triple if he is nearby) .
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2018
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nomad, have tou thought of a private payee? I was Sonics payee for years and when we decided to travel in the winter, we knew we couldnt do it from so far away. So we asked his Case Manager to find one for him and we told Sonic and he is fine with it. It has been a relief to have a private payee. Being a payee is a big responsibility.

    I truly feel also that if Daughter is happier and kinder not being around her brother, maybe seperate holidays are okay for her sake and yours. Sometimes families have to be nonconventional. Thats okay. We have to think about what is best, not what is the norm.
    Is it possible she is odd because of the anereysm? Brain damage? Whatever the reason, maybe she would be more comfortable sharing quiet holidays with just her parents. You can have your small and big holiday a few days apart.

    I hope you find a way to solve this. Honestly, think about the private payee. Look into it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2018
  3. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Yes. It was mentioned here the other day and I plan on mentioning it to my husband. It’s a viable alternative.

    Thoughts on her attitude re brother? Saying untruths? Weird mean letter?
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Like you said, she is different. Maybe it is her unhelpful way of getting the point across that she feels inferior to him. Maybe she has no other way of communicating.

    At any rate, if you decide on seperate holidays you can be discreet. She sounds young thinking. Maybe tell her she seems uncomfortable around the entire family and that you and Dad would love to have holidays just for the three of you at her home so that she can feel comfy and you three can spend special time together without the crowd. I dont know if this would work for her but I am just throwing around ideas.
     
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I agree with SWOT about having someone else be the payee. Of course that won't stop her from asking you for money but at least it would take some of the pressure off.

    From what you have shared, if it were me, I would opt for separate holidays. While I'm sure your family and friends do not take her strange comments seriously it can still cause and air of unease for everyone.
    I'm wondering if she does this as a way to draw attention to herself. As you said she is very jealous of her brother.

    Perhaps you can do something with her once a month or say every six weeks that is just for her. Whether it's going out to dinner, a movie, antiquing, etc..... Let her know that this is her special time with you. A date you can plan ahead for, something she can look forward to.

    Does your daughter still see a therapist?
     
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  6. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Thank you.
    We are seriously discussing separate holidays for most holidays...maybe all.

    She says she no longer needs a therapist.
    She also says she is not overweight.
    She is avg height and pushing 300 pounds with recent kneee pain and noticeable breathing issues upon exertion.
     
  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I think the overeating is common with bipolar disorder. Also, the medication for bipolar disorder can increase the appetite. Not working of having a hobby can make a person very bored, and eating can pass the time and make a person feel like they are indulging in fun. It sounds like the irritability isn't being managed well. Maybe she could ask her doctor about other medications, unless she has tried other medications in the past, and the problem became worse.
     
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