Daughter in abusive relationship

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Wish, Jun 1, 2018.

  1. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    So this is going to be one of my first official posts, I am pretty upset so please bare with me....

    My daughter is 21 years old and has been in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend since the age of 18. They have lived together most of that time but she has been back home for a few months here and there when things got extremely bad, but always wind up going back to him.

    The abuse is pretty bad. He has physically hurt my daughter pretty bad. Sometimes it got so bad, that the neighbor lady next door to where they live has called the police multiple times on boyfriend. She has survallence system outside and she has it on video of boyfriend beating my daughter..........I just can't.....

    So this last time, which was at the begining of May, she called me for help. I rushed over there. Long story short, he tried to attack me too. I was so. scared. The only thing that stopped him from attacking my daughter even worse (we were outside at this point), was my blood curdling screams which stop him in his frantic dash towards my daughter to attack her. It was an outter body experience.

    She comes back home, we move all of her stuff back home. Much to my dismay, she continues to see him here and there despite my protests. Well, last night, they were on the phone and by the conversation, I infered that they went out last week, he got severely drunk at a bar (they both recently just turned 21), and started to act really crazy and violent. Yes, he is one of those drunks apparently. The ones who can not only scare you, but completely humilate you in pubilc. However, I could tell that he was going to be this person so really it's no surprise.....

    But to hear her in her room "See, this is why I can't be with you. You are acting really violent right now. Calm down. " This went on for about an hour. For the rest of the night, I felt the fear in my throat because I imagined him coming over and trying to get her, which has happened before. The last time, which was a year ago, was a frightening situation where I walked out of my condo, turned and locked the door and I bump right into him getting off the elevator. He is in tears and proceeded to bang on my daughters window. I said to her through the window stay in the house. He was acting very eratic and I had to secretly text my roommate who was also in the house (thank God) to call the police. In the meantime, he is crying on my shoulder outside in the parking lot, then getting angry and yelling at me, tries to break into my condo and I'm telling both of them whatever they do, do NOT open the door. The cops NEVER came and he finally figured out that I called them and he booked. They did not come until an hour later and didn't take the situation seriously at all, that is a story for another day. To say I was traumatized was an understatement.

    My daughter does not get how dangerous he is, even though she has experienced first hand many, many times. She doesn't get how terrified I am. It got to the point where I told her she had to leave my house if she continued to be with him because mama can do this anymore. I have been a safe place for her for the last almost 4 years, I can't bare it anymore. I told her that I am just as much danger from him as she is now and that if she goes over there again, I will not be able to come and rescue her because it would be too dangerous for me. I know he will attack me.

    At which point do you as a mother say enough is enough? I gave you a safe place, willing to do anything to protect you, but you keep playing with fire despite everything. How do you tell a woman, you're own daughter, a victim of abuse that her safe place may no longer be here? I know I can't, which is why she is still here. I don't think I ever could....
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    It is very sad. I have both seen and heard about bright women, young and old, who can't seem to leave abusive men. I don't think they don't know that the situation is bad for all. I just think they get addicted to the men and don't leave.

    Your daughter has no right to put you in danger too. But if you want to keep letting her come home, which makes your place a magnet for him, I would buy a good security system in your home so that he can't break in. I hope there are no other kids at home who could be at risk. Is there a husband for you?
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    That sound horribly scary and awful!

    Is her father in the picture? Does she have any older brothers, uncles etc. that could warn this guy to stay away?

    Does she have a job, go to school or have any type of goals?

    She is an adult and SHE has to want to get out of the relationship. I think it's great you are there for her and want to help her and protect her but it's really up to her. Can you get a restraining order so he can not come near YOU or your property? I would check into that first.

    I also would try to talk to your daughter about getting some therapy on being in an abusive relationship or call the domestic violence number in your area. I have never dealt with this personally but others here have so may be better able to help you.

    Personally, there is NO WAY I would put up with this CREEP near me or my home.
  4. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I agree you need to get a PFA order. Hopefully if you have to call the police tell them that and they will take it more seriously. Are there any womens shelters she could go to instead of your home where she would be protected but not put you in danger. Or is there someone he doesn't know about where she could go? I also agree with the alarm system.

    First comes staying safe then you need to try to get your daughter into counseling.with someone who specializes in domestic violence. You mentioned a sister , does she have any influence? I have never gone through this but am sure it is terrifying. Prayers for you and your daughter.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Please call a domestic violence agency near you. He sounds very scary. A dv agency can give you advice and be a resource for your daughter when she is ready. I would also call the police and ask then if they have a dv officer you can go talk to. It is very reasonable to say he cant come near your home. However if you can keep giving your daughter a safe place. Abusers do what they can to isolate and cut off their partners from loved ones so they have no place to turn.
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi, Wish.

    Maybe it’s time for you daughter to focus on moving on with her life by getting her own place. You could have a talk with her and give some deadlines and see what her plans are, if any. Sounds like she is stuck, and needs a push to move on with her life.

    If your daughter ever needs to be “rescued” by you again, call the police and let them handle it. This man needs to be held accountable for his actions.

    It’s very sad to see our young adults wasting their time and their youth on this stuff.

  7. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    Thank you so much everybody. I will try to answer everyone's questions the best that I can.

    Swot, I am getting a security system, equipt with 4 starlight cameras ($1,800.00) installed on Monday. They were suppose to come today but they cancelled, I was very disappointed about that to say the least, especially since they took a $1,100 deposit. I do not have a husband but I do have a male roommate, so that does help a little bit.

    RN- Yes, it was very scary. I don't remember being that scared for my physical safety in quite a long time. Her father is deceased. My brother, her uncle, has confronted boyfriend and boyfriend never learned. My brother is pretty scary and he did not phase boyfriend at all....which tells you boyfriends state of mind...crazy. My brother has given up because she keeps going back to him. Yes, she has a job, very hard worker, goals and she pushes herself to do all these amazing things. She put herself in counciling over a year ago, she does yoga and spiritual healing stuff. She really gives a great effort into finding other things to do.....but she cannot shake him out of her mind for good which is where Swot is right about the addictin to this abusive boy (I refuse to call him a man because he is far from it. Very emotionally immature)

    Tired mama, thank you and no she does not have a sister.

    Tough lovin - Yes he is very scary. It seems as he gets older, he is losing it more and more. He is not getting any better. I am convinced that he is going to wind up in prison for something terrible and of course it goes without saying I hope it has nothing to do with my daughter :(

    Applecori, yes I told her that if she called me for help, I will be sending the cops...which leads me into this....

    Any time my daughter came to me about any of this, she made me swear not to do anything or say anything. I had been forced into silence and not being able to do anything (which is a horrible feeling I wish on no mother). I did not want to push her away and push her into further harm if I did do something about his abuse if she wasn't planning to leave him for good. I know his anger and if I fought him with everything I had, he would have taken it out onto HER, which he has done several times because sometimes I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. It's so disgusting that this is my reality.

    This very last time was enough. After I rescued her (again) from the last time, she started blaming ME for screaming the "blood curdling scream". Yeah......wrap your minds around that one. I screamed because seeing her boyfriend, after he pushed me and came after me like he was going to hit me, start to run full force at her knowing he was going to tackle her or hit her (keep in mind the cops were there just an HOUR before that so for him to be this brazen, I knew he was crazy and would risk anything) so I had no idea what else to do other then scream at the top of my lungs (we were outside) and that stopped him in his tracks because they were use to keeping me silent. That scream startled the ever living poop out of him....but I am not naive enough to think that would work again. In any case, after a week I finally got my daughter out of that thinking that I should have not screamed. I mean, isn't this insanity? I am not going to lie either about the fact that how she could go back to a man who would put his hands on her mother, call her vile names and flat out have no respect for. This is very hard to grapple with.

    Anyway, I am not being silent anymore. She knows this and I'm thinking so does he. If he comes to my home in anger, I am prepared to protect her, myself and my home by any means neccessary because he has literally left me no other choice. He has shown that he has no way to control his anger or himself. I pray for him that he does not make that mistake, I really do.

    I am going to see about the domestic violence helplines. Maybe they can really help. I can't keep going through these emotions. I've been doing this for four years with her. Four. I can't do anymore.
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I agree you dont need to be silent anymore. You can tell her you love her and you are scared for her and if you know he is being violent you will tell someone.
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Yes enough.

    All of us parents on here get to the point where we say enough. Until then, we really seem powerless to control OUR own lives for fear of in some way upsetting or pushing away our ADULT child. Sounds crazy when you actually write it down, doesn't it?

    Good luck and keep us posted.
  10. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    I will definitely keep you all updated, even just for the mere hope that our story might help someone else.
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello Wish and welcome, so sorry for your need to be here.
    The cycle of domestic violence is one that is very hard to break. My late hubs was raised immersed in it. His sister married a violent man.
    My daughter ended up with an abusive boyfriend.
    Much of what you are experiencing is what we went through.
    I am sorry, it is a very difficult thing to experience.
    We have three grandchildren who were raised in this environment. For a few years, they all went back and forth between grandparents, would manage a few months in their own place, then there would be an “incident”. I would help my daughter move out, get a TRO, things would be okay for a few weeks, then he would sneak over while we worked. They went from drinking and pot smoking, to crack, then meth. That’s when things really went downhill. The violence increased.
    There was nothing I could do to stop it.
    In fact, looking back, my being rescue mom and grandma may have actually prolonged it.
    It is the hardest thing to go through, knowing the danger, and not being able to do anything about it. The thing is, your daughter needs counseling and help to disentangle herself from the web her boyfriend has captured her in. She is most likely entrenched in this cycle, violent episodes, apologies, a period of remorse and promises, to the point where she is blinded emotionally, drained and suffering from low self esteem.
    Your home is a temporary escape. If you look at the pattern, she will come to you when things get bad, then go back to him.
    This essentially makes you a part of this cycle, and puts you, and your home in danger. The more her boyfriend gets away with, the more brazen he will become. Unfortunately, some police are not very helpful. I think that some officers have seen this so much, with girlfriends going back, they have become numb to it.
    Most states have laws where they are supposed to have 48 hour jail holds on domestic violent offenders.
    It is a system gone awry.
    Still, the police should be called every single time there is an altercation, to log down the history of it. If your daughter is in your home and her boyfriend acts out in anyway, call the police. If your daughter calls you with reports of violence, call the police.
    You need help sorting through all of this. I ended up going to counseling, because it all got so bad, my daughter was stuck in this cycle, my grands, and so where we. I thought that I was the only one she could turn too, that if I didn’t open up my home there was no place for them to go. Having grand babies involved made it that much harder.
    So, we went through years of her making attempts to leave, getting TROs, then they would get back together.
    I broke the cycle after a very unsettling episode in my home, I finally had to say no more.
    It was not easy. But I stuck to it. It was obvious that things weren’t changing, my “rescuing” didn’t help.
    The last time my daughter told me she wanted to come home, was right after her father passed. I was grieving and broken, but I summoned up the courage to say “No, you need to go to a d v shelter. You don’t get the help you need here, and neither do the kids.”
    Looking back, I should have said that long ago. There are shelters everywhere for women who really want to break free from the madness. If your daughter is truly intent on getting out, that is where she needs to go. D v shelters are safe houses, there are rules, protection and counseling.
    In the meantime, you can help her by keeping copies of all important documents, birth certificate, social security card, bank statements. You can help her, by getting help for yourself, learning about domestic violence, knowing where to direct her for real help.
    You can assure her that you love her, that her boyfriends mistreatment of her is unacceptable.
    The rest is really up to her. She has to find it within herself to leave.
    I am sorry for your hurting mommas heart. That is what you are, her mother. You are not a d v counselor, or equipped to protect her from the abuse.
    It is difficult to step back.
    I know.
    Every time my daughter called and was ready to leave, I stepped in. I rearranged my home. Took her to the courthouse. Each time, she went back to him. It was an insidious, vicious cycle that eeked over into our lives, our home.
    We were just a temporary solution. My daughter may have intended at first to leave, but her boyfriend had this hold on her. I couldn’t break that spell. They seemed to be drawn to one another, a sickening facsimile of “love”.
    My love and concern, sacrificing my own home and safety did not stop the craziness of it.
    The longer she stayed, the worse it got.
    She is no longer with this.....man. But the scars run deep.
    I wish that I had stood my ground and said sooner
    “Not in my house.” I didn’t realize how entrenched I became, how much I was involved in a battle that was not mine. I thought each time she would come back, that maybe this time would be different, that she would stand up.
    The problem was that she didn’t get counseling, she felt a sense of relief, then went right back to the same old, same old and there was nothing I could do to stop the train wreck. I am not a counselor, couldn’t reach her the way a therapist could. I would tell her that he could not come to our home, but there was really no way I could enforce that.
    I wish I could tell you that my daughter is okay now. She isn’t. She has finally left her abusive boyfriend, but, also her three kids. She is out there, addicted to meth.
    None of this, could I stop.
    We have no control over another adult, not even our own children.
    We can only have control over ourselves.
    With help, we can see unhealthy patterns in our relationships, find tools to strengthen ourselves, and break the cycle. I’m writing about the way your daughter views you, and how you see your role with her, how you react to her situation. What’s working, what isn’t.
    If your daughter really wants to break away from her boyfriend, you are not her only resort. Directing her to a shelter, where she can get real help, is a way to stop her cycling to your home, then returning to the abuse. It doesn’t mean you are coldly cutting her off. It means that she has to stop using you as a respite. It frees her to find real help, where there will be no contact allowed with her abuser, which is what she needs to break away.
    I know how hard this is, Wish.
    The reason why I urge you to get help is because we as mothers get so caught up in the maelstrom of it, we can lose ourselves, feel desperate and unsure of what to do. In a way, it becomes just as much as our journey, as it is for our beloveds. A therapist well versed in domestic violence, can help guide you through this, no matter what your daughter decides.
    The more you educate yourself, the more you can find your way through the darkness.
    Four years is a long time to be going through this. It is stressful to say the least, heart and gut wrenching. And, scary, really, really scary.
    We have learned to sacrifice much when we raise our kids. We can get into habits of neglecting ourselves, when our adult children go wayward with choices.
    Make sure you take some time to regroup and strengthen yourself. Another way to help your daughter is to model self care and self love, by taking good care of yourself.
    One day, one step at a time.
    My heart goes out to yours.
    Ps, I just read your other replies. My daughter turned on me as well, many times when we tried to protect her. “You are just making it worse for me.....”
    Swot is right, it is like an addiction.... to drama. Victims can get their minds all twisted up by their abusers. It is a very sad thing. Hang in there.
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    Last edited: Jun 1, 2018
  12. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Sorry, earlier i said sister i thought you said your sister was there. you said roomate not my sister.
  13. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I agree with a lot of what leafy says but not everything. I come at this from a different angle. I worked for a dv agency for years and was a community advocate someone who worked with women in the community still in the relationship but looking for help. I worked with many many women over the years. I worked with women who had been in violent abusive relationships. Women who went back over and over again but with support finally did leave for good. So absolutely call a local dv agency. Find out if they have support groups for women because they can make a huge difference. Find out if they have community advocates that could meet and work with your daughter before she leaves. Dv shelters are a good option but there are not enough beds for the people who need them. You dont want to push your daughter to leave before she is ready because the most dangerous time is when she leaves. Better for her to make a well thought out plan and to be sure thats what she wants to do. One of the things that is difficult is someone in an abusive realtionship is with someone who tries to control everything. Part of what they need is to figure out what they want and how to make thier own decisions... it can be easy as a parent to also try and tell them what to do. Part of the healing is finding thier own mind. This is really really hard to watch. I am thinking of you and your daughter.
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  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I agree with everybody else.

    You are a victim too.

    You cannot help your daughter, protect her, or be her safe place.

    You see that you have become his victim too.

    I believe you both would be served by a dv program.

    It is not refusing to help your daughter by telling her you cannot shelter her safely. it is the truth.To tell daughter to seek professional help is to help her make herself safe.

    A program will house her in a safe house. If she refuses she needs to find an alternative. Away from you.

    I do not think there are alternatives
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2018
  15. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    Sharing your stories, advice and input....they are much needed right now at this time. Thank you...(hand over heart)
  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wish, I don't have experience with this, but I want you to know I am reading along. You've received wonderful support......please know that we are circling our wagons around you as you go through this very difficult time.

    Take care of YOU now. YOU matter too. Your safety and well being matter.

    You're not alone. Keep us posted.

    I'm praying for you and your daughter.
  17. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    So, I just got into it with my daughter and have been all week. She is fully back with him now. She comes home from work, showers, does laundry, makes a mess, stay a nigh or two here a week and that's it. Words can't express how devestated and how angry I am. Even if she wasn't back with him, the in and out for me is too much and she is just not getting that. She is being disrespectful to boot. My motherly instincts will not allow me to kick her out because I know he will hurt her and I feel maybe because she lives here and not with him technically, that it's keeping her safer. I am so devestated that she is back with him. I am so scared for her and she is not taking this seriously at all. I can't do this anymore, I can't....I am sobbing.
  18. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    My fear is so strong, I feel like he's going to kill her and if not kill her, do something really bad to her or cause something bad to happen to her. I'm so confused and lost and most of all, petrified. I can't talk to anyone about this, no one. It's so hard for me to write all of this because I just lose it
  19. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    I don't need an answer guys. I already have so much valuable information right here in this thread that you guys gave to me, especially from New Leaf (You're story really helped me New Leaf. Thank you so, so, so much). I just needed to vent to get this out. That's all. Thank you so much just for listening. I just got to apply the advice that I am given. It's so hard but I know I have to.
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Wish. Hi

    I am so sorry. We all struggle with this. The fear and agony. And powerlessness. Only they can keep themselves safe.

    It is especially difficult for us when we have a history of abuse.

    Please know we are here.

    And try to mother yourself right now. Be comfy. Climb in bed. Be safe. Deep breathing.

    You matter.