Daughter Voluntarily At Treatment Center... I Am Skeptical

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ChickPea, Jan 29, 2020.

  1. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    My daughter is maybe hitting her low.
    She told everyone she was moving into an apartment at the end of the month, and here we are, and no apartment. Bills gone to collection, work not going so well, got drunk and peed on the couch she's been sleeping on, friend called the cops because they were worried about her well-being. Things aren't magically getting better with her abusive ex. Things aren't great.

    So last night she went on a bender (alcohol and coke) and today she misses her start to work, calls the mental health place, and they said she can come for an evaluation. Might take 72 hours.

    She wanted a dramatic "goodbye" with the grandkid, and I told her not a good idea. Next time I hear from her she calls from the treatment center using her SWEET VOICE (the one she uses when she's in public and doesn't want people to know what kind of monster she can be) and tells me she's there, waiting.

    Within minutes she's texting myself and her father (sitting in the same room together) telling us there are visiting hours (???) and she would like us to bring her some snacks, pen and paper, etc. Who has visiting hours during a freaking intake?! Or evaluation, or whatever?!!!! I don't get any of this.

    Something sounds off about all of this, I'm frustrated to say.

    She's been there less than an hour and wants a visit with snacks?

    I feel like she's avoiding reality right now and it frustrates me. I'm worn the heck out.

    Thanks for allowing the vent. Happy Hump day!
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I'm so sorry that she is still on a downward spiral.

    Offering my support and prayers for her and you.
  3. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Thank you. I'm hoping she will be able to get some sort of support, and something will stick.
  4. Across The Pond

    Across The Pond New Member

    I hope you experience the peace and comfort you need, and your daughter finds her place tolerable at the treatment centre.
  5. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

  6. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    Sorry you are dealing with this Chickpea. Sending hugs and prayers for you and your family.
  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I kno you're shocked at this sudden change of events, but I think she desperately needs the mental evaluation. I don't know what her motives are at suddenly trying to get mental health care and substance abuse treatment. She's where she needs to be.
  8. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    I think it's a gut reaction for me, the skepticism. I don't necessarily like it and I'm not proud of it.

    Yes, she is definitely where she needs to be 100%. Even if her motives are off base, she definitely needs a separation (from what she is doing) and better evaluation. I'm hoping she's getting that, or at least the start of it - and a glimpse of hope that life can be different than it is right now.

    She still gets her phone, so she's reached out a few times, but they take it at night, which has been very nice. She's been going to groups and self-reflecting. I've been sleeping a bit better.
  9. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Chick Pea, I am sorry, I think. Thing is, my Difficult Child refuses to check in. So, I can see this from 2 views. Sounds like she could be using this as a ploy because she has been irresponsible. To hear the well check from peers is a positive reinforcement for your stance. No matter why your daughter got there, the choice to engage in treatment is up to her. Sending positive thoughts this will be the turning point.
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  10. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Yes, it totally is up to her. There's some relief in me for that.

    Kind of unfortunately, she just "checked herself out" of there today. So she was there for 2 sleeps. Maybe 36 hours. I guess that's better than nothing. She knows she has resources. They said that inpatient was an option. She would not need to pay for it (she is uninsured). But she, as of this moment, wants to try 5 meetings a week, counselor, some groups, and working. She said she's never really tried that, so she wants to now, and she can always go back.

    My hard part will be, as always, trying not to emotionally invest myself in any of this. Unless she messes up differently and gets court ordered to go do this, it's all voluntary.

    I tried to just enjoy the past 2 nights knowing that she was there and not out driving or doing whatever stuff she does. But was a bit blindsided by her texting me that she was home. Consistency and sticking to a plan is not one of her strong points. It's unnerving to not have any constants.
  11. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    We hold onto each crumb as though it is a scrumptious cookie. I totally get it. I suffered for months thinking my Difficult Child was going to die any day from what I was told, and she still could, but her liver biopsy was normal. The scenes I have had in my head no one should ever see, and they were all wrong, at least for this moment. It was a waste of my time, energy and most of all, well-being.

    I think things sometimes happen in a certain order to get to a certain end. Here's hoping this is a stepping stone for you and for your Difficult Child. There is great comfort for me knowing my Difficult Child does have support available. If she chooses to decline it, there's nothing I can do. She knows I have surrendered my role as fixer in chief. A burden has been lifted as I learn to work through my needs. Radical Acceptance is helping me get there.

    I am thinking of you and hoping you can take a breather. Love and light
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  12. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    Hi ChickPea,

    I hope it works out for her, but more than that I hope you can avoid riding the emotional rollercoaster that goes hand in hand with hoping our children will make better choices. All of this is so very hard. And exhausting.

    Sending you love and strength.
  13. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Yes, @Blindsided! I was feeling that today a bit. A little chip off the cookie that I feel responsible (??) for has been surrendered. She has the support and resources. I don't need to be that. I want to get to that surrender place as the "fixer in chief" - I really do.

    Thank you. I need love, and I need strength. I appreciate it.

    She did not check herself in. She instead called my parents and told them of her "progress" and got them to send her some money. This is less than 3 days after I told her I didn't want her bothering them anymore for money. I just can't have a normal day, I swear.
  14. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I am sorry about your daughter and this is hard. But, really, it is her days, not yours. You have no way of controlling this adult daughter nor to stop your parents from giving her money if they want to. I say this a lot but it's hard to accept...there is one person we can change in this world and that would be only us.

    That is why letting go is so important. No matter what we do for our kids or how much we allow our kids reckless lifestyles to disrupt our lives, we have not one iota of a way to change what they do. So "helping" doesn't work and worrying ourselves sick changes nothing. I have experience doing both!

    The first step in Al Anon is powerful. "We acknowledge that we are powerless over the addict and that our life has become unmanageable." Think about it. It is true for us and a good first step in our own recovery from codependence. I love Al Anon and Nar Anon. Both are really the same. The Twelve Steps helped me let go and find some peace. Before I had none.

    I really don't think that I believed that letting go of my daughter was better than trying to rescue her to good health. So I overdid it and I have a lot less retirement money now and my daughter keeps getting worse. I know that terrible things can happen to her, but these days I use tools from my box not to think so much because I have no way to prevent anything nor can I predict her future.

    I hope you can find a way to find peace in this. You deserve to be well and happy. Sending prayers and hugs.
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  15. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Thank you @BusynMember. You've encouraged me to to read through the steps again. Thank you. I have to get out of the rut I'm in. I want to. I'm letting all of this affect me too much. I really appreciate your insight. Much love.
  16. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Sure makes the situation my complex. We dealt with that from our Difficult Child ex that continued to enable by providing her a nice place to live. For an entire year she either stayed in bed or got drunk and went to casinos (where they were high rollers together, he paid) and charged over 50,000 in credit card debt. That was about 6 years ago. It's been a very long and rocky road. She still doesnt work, wont eat, just drink , and surfs from couch to couch of strangers I do not know. I ALWAYS knew all her friends, they are all gone now. Needless to say, the help her ex thought he was giving (including a new Lexus, which I sent money to keep registered, never happened so I suspect he could still be contributing though he is married now) was only helping her dig a deeper hole.

    We cant control what others do, and it sure leaves a mess for us to pick up the pieces. It must be more difficult that it is your parents.

    Sending thoughts of strength
  17. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    For me, knowing there are resources that are adept at dealing with people like my Difficult Child allows me to surrender as fixer. The help my Difficult Child needs is way above my pay grade, I am learning to accept that. Someone here suggested the book Radical Acceptance. It has helped ME. It's a book about healing from within. It has brought me encouragement, clarity, and growth as my own person.

    Love and light.
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  18. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    The problem with resources, or at least this is what happened to us, is that we made lists and talked to Kay about every resource available but she wouldn't use any. One thing she flung at us was "If resources are so great why don't YOU use them??? Not like you're happy or anything!"

    She could see our misery.

    We did use resources for ourselves and are much better now. To date, Kay has not used any that anyone is aware of. She is in CA now by a boatload of services. Guess how many I think she will use beyond maybe free meals? Maybe.

    Prayers to all.
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  19. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Dear Chickpea,
    I can hear the anguish and overwhelm in your text. This is hard stuff.

    Looking at it from a more positive angle , I think that your daughter is seeing that she has a problem and that she needs help .Her Step 1 "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and drugs" may come in stages. Finding recovery is not always linear but you know that having been through many ups and downs with your daughter over the years. For her to check herself into a mental health facility for evaluation says a lot , however.

    I think for me, I take these positive steps that happen and I think 'this is it". I put all my hope and good feelings into the situation. I allow the actions of others to determine how I feel. I am (slowly) learning to take everything with more detachment , with a sense of dispassion. "Oh, you are checking yourself in, oh ok. Good luck with that (non-sarcastic). "Oh, you have checked yourself out, ok". I am trying not to be emotionally involved in the actions of other people. So far it is helping me a lot.

    My daughter is heading out to be with her friend over night and I know they will drink and get high. I don't say anything. "Oh, ok, have a good time". She knows she can't come home drunk or high or she will be out for 24 hours for the first offense, but what she does off property is her business. I will turn my phone off and sleep. If she runs into trouble due to her actions, she will have to rescue herself.
  20. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Totally agreed. Thank you. My husband and I have been talking about this and how long things could take before they have a true impact. How many tries. This has been going on for 14 years. It can't be expected to change overnight unless a miracle happens. Even then, it takes time to heal wounds and gain trust.

    Allowing the actions of others determining how you feel... yes, I get that way with my daughter, without knowing. I mean, I guess I've noticed this more. I tried very hard to disassociate myself from her going to detox or whatever it was - evaluation - and not change everything (my own parameters), throw a party, etc. I think that was why it was so frustrating that my parents immediately sent her money (she was out the entire weekend at the bar). But, at the end of the day... can't control that, either.