Dazed and Confused Thanks Giving

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Littleboylost, Oct 7, 2017.

  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Well we have a struggle ahead of us still. I so want to do what is right for my AS and give him every opportunity to heal and recover. We have completed all the application and assessments for long term rehab. We continue to be on the tightrope of bad behavior and addiction hell, while waiting for a bed.

    He does not bring drugs home. He declares to us that he wants help. He proclaims to his addiction worker and our family therapist that he has evryrhig under control and does not see the need for reahab. Mixed messages.

    He is failing school at mid term. Still doesn't go on a consistent basis. But insists rehab would interrupt school. He scrapes by doing the absolute bare minimum at everything. I am so fed up.

    Playing all ends against the middle. I am angry, sad, frustrated and exhausted. We have agreed to play this next phase out to the end of school term (which we all know he will fail to succeed at). He will fight the acceptance to rehab, and his choice will remain rehab or leave. In my gut I strongly feel this will not end well.

    I am feeling guilty for thinking that I just don't want to do this any more. I want to detach and not so much with love but self preservation.

    He stole money on Thursday and boldly denied it. Gas lighting at its best. He hasn't been home since Thursday afternoon. I sent him 2 texts yesterday. Not going to bother any more.

    It is Canadian Thanks Giving. I am struggling to find things to be thankful for.

    Not much of a post but just where my head and my heart are at.
     
  2. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I'm so sorry LBL

    I know how depressing the holidays can be when your child's addiction is in full force. Hard to do anything. One year I didn't even do a real tree at Xmas. I used to be a regular Martha Stewart with making gourd tea light holders and decorate up everything every season, hosting all the dinners. Now I barely clean my house and never ever host anything.

    I feel it's so hard to keep up with all the holidays. I didn't want to host this weekend and I'm so glad I told family I couldn't, since my father in law passed away unexpectantly yesterday. We spent all day there yesterday and son was actually sober (going on ten days) and he was social with his cousins. He usually withdraws and it's so embarrassing since his cousins are his age and all graduated univ and moving on with responsible lives. It was a relief not to be embarrassed for a change.


    We both know that could all change in an instant. Addiction sucks.

    Take care xoxo
     
  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh CB I am so very sorry for your loss. I hear you. I used to love autum, decorating for Halloween early for my sons Birthday he will be 18 Oct 20th. Now I try to pull it together just to get the basics done as well. Not even cooking for Thanks Giving this year. Just can't be bothered. I hope to shake this horrible saddens off sooner the later.

    Addiction sucks as does being a mother of an asdcit.
     
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  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Colleen, I am so sorry for your loss.

    Little, I am not detaching with love. I am detaching for self preservation. I maybe able to have warm fuzzy feelings for him again one day. Right now my feelings for him are not very pretty.
     
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  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Pasa;
    I completely understand. My son is not violent he is just manipulating and abusive psychologically and I can't stand it any more. It is putting me on the lunatic fringe.

    I can well imagine if things don't change he too will progress to being aggressive if not violent.
     
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    my post got wiped out. short version.

    how can we detach with love when somebody violates our home and rules , betrays our love and trust and actively engages us as an enemy to be manipulated and outfoxed?

    omg. this becomes a kind of simmering war. and we the subjugated defeated people. our homes overun by victorious hordes.

    and we guilt ourselves that we do not feel like blowing kisses and throwing garlands?

    these are our kids!!

    i think son is behaving badly. (welcome to my world.)

    my son called last might. i believe he is preparing the ground to return.

    just as with you there are no good options. the current situation was a pipedream.

    i do not know how i feel about these adults staying near us without conditions. but when they openly flaunt minimal conditions....what is there to say?
     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2017
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Copa, I don't know.
     
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  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Me either Copa. I am giving in and having a quiet day of nothingness. Releasing the guilt from my heart and just tying to recharge my mental batteries.

    I have no answers only pain and grief.

    Here here Copa how indeed do we or can we detach with love? It is the ultimate torture of the soul.

    And yet here we are.

    How terrible my thoughts are about what would make life so much easier to bear. They range from scenarios of my or his life having a terminal path. It is the sense of permanence in those thoughts that give me a path of relief. It is being bound to the unhappy laborious ineptness that is the cause of the pain in my heart. That is what I need to end. And I just don't know how to find a peaceful end to this.

    Perhaps loving too much too deeply for my son was where I went wrong. I am in a state of miserable codependency and that is the sad nature of my predicament. He was my heart, my life, my happiness. He is my child. How do we let go of the I codependence when they are still dependent upon us? As much misery as that brings, it is the current sate of affairs and I dispise it, I simply do.

    The past month has had me in a bind of confusion and FOG FOG FOG! Naranon saying one thing CRAFT saying another. Specialists and support workers with varying opinions. My brain in a rage, my heart in a puddle and my gut tied up in knots. I am of no use to anyone. I need to purge and find a way to revive ME and revive my focus and purpose in life.

    I know the what and can see the how. Getting to activation feels like attempting to put a paper airplane across the Grand Canyon. I am the paper plane and my sons present life choice is the massive void I am attempting to overcome. I balance and see the beauty of life in my sights; and just as I attempt to pass through on a calm and supportive breeze....along he comes with such a negative sucking force, I am taken down again and again.
     
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  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Thank you Little.
     
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    3x my post got erased. can i call you instead? will try again in a few minutes.

    i could have written your post. every word.

    meanwhile a quote:

    i only know that he who finds a tie is lost. the germ of corruption has entered into his soul.

    joseph conrad
     
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  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    you did not go wrong.

    i speak to a rabbi every week or two when i am lucky. Wednesday i was hyperventillating with grief. she said: enough. (and then she helped me get my breath.)

    and then she said. things happen in life. that is what life is. things happening. sometimes they're good and sometimes not.

    what is happening is that we are inserting ourselves in their stories and making them about us.

    our stories are us. theirs are theirs. oh how i wish i could remember. or do i not remember because it is drivel? or because i am corruped by love?

    and we did not love them too much.

    your son has a pea brain right now
    it will get bigger.

    here is an m quote from earlier today: do you think my mother asked for one child with downs and another crazy? no.

    but we loved them.

    life comes at people.

    i try to walk an hour every day. a few days ago i passed a house where their profoundly disabled daughter was being dropped off by bus in her wheelchair. No motor control. Words unintelligible.

    the family dog was unleashed. a large male german shepherd. he came up to me aggressively barking. he snapped. i was terrified. I was never before threatened by a dog.

    the mother came to restrain the dog and had a hard time.

    are you okay?

    yeah but i'm frightened.

    he doesn't bite.

    he just snapped at me.

    i don't know why he is doing this lately. it started a few weeks ago when she broke her arm.

    the mother (not young) looked dead with grief. A kind of wild, hopeless dead.

    When i went to walk today there was the shepherd laying in Front of his house. Unleashed.

    I told m when i came home. How could she do that? He owns the Street now.

    He Said: There is a grief so deep and without end that one sees nothing, knows nothing. Where all there is is to endure.

    I shut up. Because i know.

    we are so blessed to have each other. i found myself hoping that that mother had people in her corner like we do.
     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2017
  12. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    LBL-Wow hugs to you. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. I can relate to the, "He was my heart, my life, my happiness, my child. "That really hits home. When finally told my Mom and Dad the truth about what was going on with my son, ( I tried to keep it from them because they are in their late 60s. I didn't want them to be burdened with this.) My Dad has been there through my divorce when my husband left and filed for custody of my kids when they were 3 and 5. My Dad said, "Well it could be worse." I said, "What could be worse than this?" He said they could be sick. I thought a wise answer. Now this drug thing reared it's ugly head. When out of grief I came to him with this, he said, " Well sometimes you've just got to give your children over to God." I wish I could take away your pain.
     
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  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I hope so too Copa. A thought ran through my head today. It was that I had escaped the heartache of a child with disability at birth and any other tragedy that could have come along the way. Only to have life interrupted with this craziness.
    It is life and it does happen.
    I know that grief I am in that grief. I need to overcome this but today is not the day.
     
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  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thanks Billie some days it just all becomes too much. I have too many moving parts in my life and they are all loss and hardship. I feel ashamed and weak but it is what it is. I will endure and overcome this madness and sadness. This is life. I often think of the amazing strength of people who have endured horrific events in their lives and survived and pray to find that type of strength and endurance.
     
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  15. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I do indeed feel better and I am Thankful for the non judgemental support of this group. It helps to be understood.
    I had that happen the other day on here Copa. Must be a glitch on the site. ☹️
     
  16. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    No shame here LBL. I am optimistic you will overcome. You've already proven strength and endurance.
     
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  17. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    The reason I come here is for the unconditional support we can only get from others who understand our incredible pain and feelings of grief and shame. My friends who have kids doing well may try but they can't really understand....

    The overwhealming grief is the hardest part for me.... those times I have felt so sad and defeated and wished I had never had children. It wasn't until the drugs I have ever felt this. I don't even think those whose children get sick or hurt badly would have feelings of regret in having kids.... that may be reserved for us special moms of addicts. I think it is the shame speaking when I feel that way....

    We are currently dealing with my father in laws death and I am so thankful he is holding it together at this moment but it just makes me think he will crash later. Why do I assume he can't stay sober? I guess because he never has. I feel I may have lost my hope for his future. I am simply waiting for the next binge.

    Thinking of you all, LBL, Copa, Billie, and all those who rally around when one of us is hurting....and on this Canadian thanksgiving weekend.... I am thankful for all of you and your unwavering support.
     
  18. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I'm sorry LBL. It feels impossible to both honor your feelings and protect your heart.
     
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  19. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Thank you all for your support and insight today. I'm sorry you hurt. I'm sorry we all hurt.
    I certainly could have written this. I told our counselor once that I no longer felt guilty or ashamed, I simply felt overwhelming profound sadness at the waste of his life. I truly also feel that in reality there should be profound sadness about how I'm wasting my life grieving about his. It does pinpoint the fact that I must believe my son's life is worth more than mine. That is what is so hard for me, to realize my value. It seems selfish and foreign to me to put myself above him...and this thought in itself belies the fact that I believe I control this all. Underneath the blah, blah, blah I'm still always trying to pull the strings...
     
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  20. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    So Ready,

    I think you've summed up what all of us feel at times. That detachment or self-preservation is somehow choosing ourselves over them.

    But that's a false paradigm even for them. When you choose "them," or to stay in the FOG, they are none the better. When you choose to clear the FOG, they don't get worse, they just don't have someone to cosign their misery.

    It is not we who are not choosing them. It is they who are not choosing themselves.

    And they always have the ability and opportunity to choose themselves. It's not less likely because we refuse to suffer vicariously and enable, on top of the grief and worry. And most would say it makes it more likely.
     
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    Last edited: Oct 8, 2017