DCFS- Group home

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Helpless29, Mar 24, 2020.

  1. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    As many of you have followed my journey with my 17 teen year old son, he last episode was when judge ruled for him back in custody, he ran out of courtroom & pushed a officer. Fast forward to today , he is Juvenile detention awaiting his sentence , but because of the Coronovirus, they are releasing a lot of juveniles, today I get a call they want to release him today . Dad says he cannot take him back in because he refuses to listen. They ask me and I felt a lump in my throat, I also could not take him back because I can’t let his little brothers grow up , in a chaotic & uncertain environment with him around , nor could I live in eggshells everyday wondering if he may or maynot listen. They said they will be contacting DCFS, and he probably will go to a group home until 18 teen, Still nothing is set in stone yet. I’m heartbroken once again , how emotionally & mentally this has to hurt him , that neither one of us would take him in. Does anyone know if Group homes are bad? I’m scared , hurt , confused & I could only imagine how he must be feeling at this moment with all the uncertainty
     
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    My 16 year old grandson went into a group home for a few weeks. It was hard, but he was acting out, defiant and violent. I’m sorry you are going through this Helpless, especially now in light of all that is going on. It is a hard road we travel. You are right to protect yourself and your littles. Your son is old enough to know and do better. It is not fair to all of you to help captive by 17’s outbursts and defiance. I have been where you are with my grandson, he is six feet tall and was out of control. It was a very scary experience. Prayers for you as you stand for your household, it’s a difficult position to be in. I am so sorry for all you have been through and are going through.
    As for your son, he needs to learn that he can’t treat loved ones however he pleases. He is reaping the seeds he has sown. Hopefully in the home, he will have help with counseling.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  3. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    Is group homes worst then jail? Do you feel your grandson came out better or worst from being in a group home? I have no idea what to expect. I’m so afraid it may make him worst then better.
     
  4. FluffyOne

    FluffyOne New Member

    I don't know if a group home is worse than jail, but I do know that you are doing the right thing by protecting yourself and your younger children from your 17 year old son. I got to the point where I decided that I wasn't going to sacrifice the lives of 5 people (husband, me, my 2 daughters and my son) trying to save someone who would not listen and had no intention of changing her ways. She's gotten much worse since she left home (not making good choices) and so far still has not had to really face any consequences for those poor decisions. We sent her to Job Corps because we knew that it would be a semi-safe environment where (if she chose to) turn it around and make something of herself. So far, she's still looking for the 'easy button' in life. I can't change her, only she can do that.
     
  5. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I agree with what has been said. Your son is going to a group home as a result of his own actions. These are his consequences. You are right to protect yourself and your younger child(ren). His Father also declined to take him in and I bet he is not having guilt over it.

    This is a young man who will push a police officer! I bet he will be alright in any group home.

    I know for me, I still sometimes relate to my children how I did when they were little. And I need to remember that they are grown adults now. I don't need to protect their feelings or protect them from their own consequences. I need to look at how they relate to me TODAY and who they are RIGHT NOW and then make choices on my own behalf based on that. It's the only way my adult children will learn. They don't learn anything from my reaction to my own guilt.

    Love and blessings to you.
     
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    PLEASE don't be so hard on yourself.

    You truly are making the best decision for all. Including him.

    We put up with so much with our son because he too was a minor when he went off the rails. Stealing, lashing out, drug use, bringing druggies in the house, and stealing again cuz yes there was lots etc. etc. you all know the details because you all have dealt with it. We all know that "chapter".

    I WISH I had known what to do then. I had no idea. I suffered. I did not have little ones or maybe I would have tried something else. I felt stuck. Where could he even go???

    At 20 we finally sent him away. By that time I honestly was so sick of it all and had done some detachment and I was just so done with him.

    I let my husband deal with him. I was tethered. He was in Florida for some time at sober living,etc. etc. He came home at 23 after many rehabs, relapses and finally a 13 month faith based program in Memphis, TN.

    Man it still ain't easy and I mourn the years we have lost together that we will never get back, but such is life. I have had to accept it. We ALL have thorns to bear and among many other thorns, this is one of ours.

    Please please have self-compassion. Stop feeling guilty. You are not equipped to deal with this in your home. None of us are. We all do our very very best.

    Your son will grow up. Maybe all of this will stop him from being a lifelong criminal. I thought my son would be many times and that killed me.

    I think we prevented his death by doing what we did. I really do.

    If you pray, then pray for him every day and pray for yourself too. Prayer and my faith is what got me through it.

    Hugs.
     
  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    The home he went to put a lot of responsibility on the boys. He was responsible to get to school and back to the home. He had a curfew. On weekends, they would bus to another group home for supervised recreation. Not sure what that would look like now with Coronavirus going round.
    My grandson was eventually taken in by family members who are now fostering him. He is receiving in home therapy. He has constant guidance with his uncle, which seems to be working.
    I know you love your son and are worried for him. This is a very hard spot to be in. I am sad that things did not work out with my grandson in my home. It was not a healthy situation for any of us. It was hell for his siblings who were younger and subjected to his rages. That was not fair for them at all. I had to put myself in their shoes and focus on finding a solution that created peace and safety in my home. I’m sorry, I know this is heart wrenching. You are not rejecting your son, you love him. It is his actions and bad choices that have led to this consequence. Praying for your peace of mind and heart.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  8. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Has anybody seen the data on whether military schools help, or even accept, these troubled kids? It seems like a kid would have to want to change. Until they want it badly enough, they don't see the need to improve their behavior. I believe there are also a few who couldn't behave if they even wanted to.
     
  9. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    As I said in another thread, people with problem kids have told me that if the kids won't listen military schools throw them out. They do not straighten out behavior problems. They prepare for the military.

    There are boarding schools for behavior problems. They are costly. It did not help Kay.
     
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think that you did the right thing to say no. There is a very good choice that he wouldn't listen and stay home. That would put your family at risk for getting the virus if he went in and out.

    He is sadly learning that actions have consequences.
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2020
  11. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I definitely think he will run away from a group home. He doesn't understand that his future isn't looking very bright. He think that once he's old enough to live on his own that all this will go away. He seems to think all the adults and rules are the reason life isn't going well, and that if it weren't for those two problems, everything would be great. Even when you're forty years old, there are rules. He has to see all this for himself.
     
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I really don't understand why some of these kids think they can maneuver without following the rules.

    Our son was like that and he did not care AT ALL about consequences which to this day I still do not understand. If they don't care, how do we have any leverage?

    Now he is all about following the rules that society provides. I am so very thankful because those that do not, end up in jail.

    They must learn how to live in society and that begins with respecting parent's rules.