Depressed and discouraged vent. Self-pity warning

[BusynMember]

So Sonic, now eighteen, has entered the mental health system and we don't know why he can't control his urge to do certain dangerous things, such as taking out the car with no license or stealing small amounts of money for food or overeating. Today I found out he was deemed officially "disabled" by the state. Thank God! He needs the services and the help and we can not live forever.

But this knowledge has me in a funk. Ok, those of you who HATE self-pity, this is a warning. I don't usually indulge this way, but today it seems out of my control. I am looking back through all the years when I raised my kids, my decision (with both of my two husbands) to adopt, and with what has actually come of devoting my entire life to my children. I see so many people who did not try as hard or worked all the time or were dismissive or even abusive...and their kids stick near and dear. This is not the case here. So did I waste the best years of my life? I think about this from time to time.

Sports Fan is 34 and my biological son with my only grandchildren. He lives in MIssouri and is not good about checking in. He was a hard child, self-centered, he is still self-centered. I know he loves me, but we aren't close. My grandson lives two states away and I don't know how well I'll ever know him. He is also a handful. I sense a budding difficult child. My son calls me the most often when he is upset and needs comforting. He inherited a lot of my mental health issues. When I was pregnant, I spent ten weeks in the hospital for suicidal depression. Hormonal changes are usually not my friend. It was then that me and ex decided not to try to have any more biological children. And so we did not.

Scott came at age six from Hong Kong and everyone knows my story about him. He doesn't want to see us. It's like I don't even have a child from Hong Kong. I doubt I'll ever see him again. I am used to it now, and am not even sure I want to know the person he has become, but I spent many years raising him, loving him, trying to give him a good life. What a waste (at least on my side).

Pastry Chef is doing pretty good. I actually feel close to her, although she is in Chicago. Still, I wish we lived closer and could be closer. We can only see each other four times a year or so. I really wish she could be closer, but she has a good job where she lives. She see's her SO's mother far more than she sees me. Yes, I know. Do I need some cheese with my whine???

Sonic...well....things are worse than we'd hoped.

Jumper is my sunshine. I'm afraid I'm going to lose her one day too. Not lose her like I lost Scott. More like the way it is with Sports Fan or Pastry Chef.

Of course current hub and I adopted PsychoKid when he was eleven and that was a total nightmare. He still haunts us although he is officially no longer in our family. He IS on Facebook though and still uses our last name. I doubt it is due to any attachment to us...he has no ability to attach. He IS married with two young daughters who he will probably sexually act out on, the same way he did to Sonic and Jumper. He is supposed to sign up as a sexual predator but hasn't (we checked). We could turn him in, but don't want anything to do with him again. We are all afraid of him. It would not shock me if one day he is on the news for murdering somebody. Don't know how many animals he killed while he was with it, but we know about two for sure...

My one consolation is my husband. No matter that he's a man (which I consider Special Needs due to gender), he loves me and would do anything for me, but he's three years younger than I am and not retiring anytime soon so we can't just decide to have fun together. He's busy. Money is tight. I do appreciate him with all my heart. I also have a really deep appreciation and special feeling toward my two daughters. I don't know what I'd do without them.

I am so heartsick and worried about Sonic. That is probably what kicked this up.

I had wanted to have a lot of children because I felt alone. My family of origin is horrible and distant. My parents were terrible. I know I've been a far better, more loving, caring parent than the two of them. Yet I still feel sometimes (like now) that maybe I'd have been better off without any children or if I had stopped with my son and not lived my life so completely for my children.

To those here who have been supportive with this new development with Sonic, THANK YOU WITH ALL MY HEART! A big extra hug to (who else?) SusieStar.

Does anyone else ever wonder if it was worth the ride? I don't usually feel this self-pitying and I have to visit a friend soon so I'm sure I'll be better once I'm out. But every so often....I wonder. I love my kids to death, but still....sometimes I get so burned out, I just wonder. Was it all worth it?

Love to all.
Pam

 

[Malika]

Sorry you are passing through these doldrums. Cliches are ten a penny, aren't they - you did the best you could at the time, you couldn't know how things would turn out, you can't control others... blah, blah. But really, here is all this painful and not ideal reality with these children you generously adopted (and for yourself too) and with your own biological son. And now the worry and uncertainty about Sonic. It is all very human and natural that you should feel as you do! I for one am not going to say "Don't be silly, don't feel like that!" All I know is... that the beginning and ending of everything - and so very hard to do sometimes - is the peace that we come to with ourselves, and the loving kindness that we generate towards our own hearts and minds, and then by extension outwards to others. So I don't know what else to tell you other than that you seem like a kind lady, you have acted with kindness in your life, and now maybe you can turn that kindness very purposefully onto yourself

 

[AnnieO]

MWM...



You get to feel this way sometimes. It's part of the "game" of life. Especially considering what you have done for these kids, all of them. You've made some really hard choices. But you know what? You're an awesome Mom.

Fact is, some parents (such as mine) got blessed with a pretty "normal" kid or kids, and of course it's been easier for them. I laughingly joke that I was pretty much a "goody two shoes"... But the fact is... I was. Sure, I did some dumb things. But mostly I was easy child. Which I think made it harder for me, with Onyxx. Jett is a lot more like me...

Kids don't come with instructions (or I'd be demanding Bean hand out the manual BEFORE appearing in October). And I'll be honest, you didn't just adopt infants, you went for the harder ages! By which time some horrible stuff is ingrained. As you know. And even if they HAD come with little booklets, they were long lost by the time you met them.

My immediate family is small. I grew up with my Mom & Dad, and Mom's parents (Mom, like me, is an only). Dad's parents were 6 hours away, and his sister & brother more like 10. So, although Mom had a bajillion aunts & uncles... I was pretty lonely. I decided I wanted 3 kids. And... I got em - Onyxx, Jett & Bean. Just didn't do it the "traditional" way - and neither did you.

I think it was worth it - because you have given me some of the best advice, starting pretty much from Day One of me being here. Without all your work... I'd have missed out.

Oh - and - LOVE YOU!!!

 

[recoveringenabler]

MWM, I read your post with very similar feelings today. I do know, as you must as well, that this too will pass. But, sometimes those moments hit us and it feels bad. I really understand. I never had those days much when I was younger, so I am presuming they come with our age, I believe you and I are in that ballpark. It seems to be a part of aging, to go over the choices periodically and wonder....................I only had one child, and she has caused me great pain in the last 20 years. I sometimes look back and think, my life would be very different if I had not had her. Now I am raising her daughter, my granddaughter, who is a really good kid, and yet, it still does limit me in what I could be doing now, the freedom I could have.......................and yet as I say that I think, she'll be gone to college and mostly grown in a couple of years, and I will miss her....................I guess what I'm trying to say is that likely tomorrow, or in a day or two, these feelings will pass and we'll both be on firmer ground. It's interesting to look at what could have been, or the road not taken, and yet, we did, and we're here and it is what it is. None of us knew what would happen when we endeavored down these parenting roads, and some of us on this board especially, have had some pretty rough rides. I like what Malika said, "you have acted with kindness in your life, and now maybe you can turn that kindness very purposefully onto yourself." Perhaps that's the answer for both of us, to shift the focus off of the children and onto ourselves. Let's give it a try. Hugs to you. I hope these feelings pass and you find your center and your peace again.

 

[hearts and roses]

(((Pam))) - Another one here who will NOT tell you to just snap out of it. It's normal to feel the way you are feeling when you worry for your children, they make poor choices, live far away, etc.

Yes we all know about your son from Hong Kong and how you struggled with his choices and you can't help but worry about Sonic or your oldest son (personally, I think you should turn him in anonymously to save those girls scarring that could last the rest of their lives, but I'm not you and you're not me). You did do your best with what you knew at the time, a constant learning curve and work in progress.

On the other hand, rejoice in the fact that at least Pastry Chef is living the life she loves and desires, is happy and a self sufficient adult. You did your job and she took to the world like a fish to water. It does sound like Jumper is on her way to doing the same.

It's very easy to take credit for the kids who turn out stellar and hide in embarrassment for the ones who cause us shame. But the bottom line is that we do the best we can with what we know or learn and the rest is up to them. Fortunately (or unfortunately, as the case may be) we are NOT the only influences in our children's lives. Aside from genetics, the other factors include exposure at school, through friends and their families, neighbors and extended family and don't forget about what they see on tv. If it weren't for my friend's families growing up I am not sure I would have a clue what "normal" was, honestly.

A big part of moving on from these feelings that you describe, FOR ME, is re-creating my life. Realize that your mothering, for the most part, is coming to a close. Perhaps you dedicated so much of yourself and your time to your children that you forgot about you in the mix. Maybe now is the time to find yourself, find out what interests you have outside of parenting, tap into your creative side, take a class, create a circle of friends that have nothing to do with children or raising kids. You have a history and a story for sure, but it doesn't have to define who you are today. Sending GIANT hugs and support your way. I only have the two girls and when they aren't around, I feel lonely and deserted too. Especially around holidays and such. I've been practicing doing more things on my own and strengthening my relationships with H and my girlfriends. While I am happy my girls have moved on to their own lives I sometimes feel like an old worn out shoe kicked to the side. Then I try to remember I'm only useless and it was only a waste of my time if I didn't love it while I was doing it!!

 

[Signorina]

There must be something in the air...lots of us are having a tough few days. So much of what your wrote were in the same spirit and the same words of things I said to my husband as we sat outside last night. I am not sure if you want a pity party - or some words of encouragement. My instinct is to commiserate with you...because although our situations are very different on the surface; I feel the "is it worth it?" sentiment to the very core of my being. I believed that I could make the difference in the life of my children. That unconditional love with good intentions could overcome any ill will that life sent their way. That in the end we would be a family who could always rely upon each other. That being a good mom was a guarantee in the end. (And they are flesh of my flesh, loved and wanted from the day they were conceived; they had no obstacle to overcome, I have no one to blame but myself) And then I remember that phrase "man plans; God laughs"

And I really wonder if it was all worth it. And I look at my pcs and wonder when or if they will turn away from us too. And I always believed that there would be a time in our lives where H and I could RELAX and know that our kids were happy and healthy and SAFE and we would be free from the nagging worries and hurts that crowd the back of our minds. And now I realize that day may not come. If difficult child fails to come back to us, there will always be a hole. Even if we can manage to ignore it for days or weeks on end. It may scab, but it won't heal without him being back and SAFE. And that is totally out of my control. I tried so hard and it doesn't matter. AND I HATE IT. IT'S NOT FAIR.

And then I try to remember that our story is done being written yet. And if this is the best it can be, I need to let it be. If I change who I am or let the bitterness become a part of me - then I am making it worse. So, YES I don't like where I am right now but I can't change that. The only thing I can do is embrace you and hold your hand and we can lean on each other. Because we are not alone. And that counts. And we are here because we are d@mn good mothers who CARE. And I would rather be a good person and sad than the type of mom who doesn't care. So maybe that love and caring was wasted on our difficult children - but being loving mothers wasn't wasted on us. I don't know -- all I know is that you've been there for me so many many times, your words and your sharing kept me from falling into deep despair. So, I thank you. And you mean a lot to me. And I honor and look up to the wonderful mother you are to your kids. {{{hugs}}}

 

[DammitJanet]

Pam...oddly we are a lot alike though I got my kids the old fashioned way and am a bit younger than you (and was a lot wilder than you!)

I have often thought I maybe shouldnt have had kids. Lord knows when I look at Cory and see all his struggles I think I should have stopped with Jamie! But then Billy has a whole lot of physical issues that are probably linked back to me genetically and his aspergers is most likely passed down from his father so I feel guilty over that so I have felt that I probably shouldnt have had him which leaves maybe only having Jamie and even with Jamie, he has ADHD and some arthritis setting in and the ADHD is either from me or Tony's side so darn....we probably shouldnt have had kids.

Then I think...but if not for the kids I wouldnt have the grandchildren.

I have had to deal with knowing that Cory was disabled for a long time. I dont know what the outcome is going to be there. I have some real worries. There is no way he could go in to any sort of group home or supportive living because he simply wouldnt meet that type of criteria. He also wouldnt go. He couldnt take his kids with him. It is depressing. I dont have friends outside of the computer and I go nowhere other than doctors and shopping. Well, I do go to see the kids once or twice a year. I try to make memories with my grandchildren so they will remember me when I am gone. Thats what I think of.

 

[InsaneCdn]

MWM... no matter what path we go down in life, and no matter how that path turns out - even if we achieve our dreams - we are human beings. And that means that every one of us, at multiple points in our lives, will look back and wonder... Did we choose the right forks in the road? Should we have gone a different way?

And... at "our" age, there's the whole mid-life crisis stuff that bites sooner or later.

I'm voting that your feelings are normal, just not particularly enjoyable right now. You will get through this. And things will come together. But I always found it really extra tough when difficult child low times hit during hormonal crazies.

 

[BusynMember]

OMG. Thank you all so much. I just got back and am feeling a little better.

I relate to all of you who answered. Janet, we ARE a lot alike. I always thought so. Sig, you are very kind and I just wanted to give support because I was there.

Others...if not for you, I'd have nobody to tell who understood.

It is harder to understand when your kids are little. Now I would like to be able to sit back, relax, and know that all my kids will be ok. And I have always wanted to totally enjoy my golden years peacefully.

I guess if that happens...it is up to me.

I'm sorry about the whine. This will pass. I *do* have a mood disorder and although it is in good control, I still have little ups and downs and guess this is a little down time. Thanks for everyone who answered.

 

[Hound dog]

I was where you are a few years back but for different reasons. The feelings were pretty similar though.

(((hugs)))

 

[ThreeShadows]

Sign, that was beautifully said.

 

[hearts and roses]

I just wanted to say, don't blame your mood disorder....what you're feeling is so vey normal and likely has nothing to do with your mood disorder. Hugs, you're a special lady and mom.

 

[susiestar]

WOW do I understand. I do think that maybe there is a reason your daughter (pastrychef) and even the other kids moved away and have busy lives and care but are not emotionally dependent on you and you feel needy because they are not inclined to check in often. So WHY is this? Because you are an AWESOME mom and they felt so totally loved no matter what that they are strong people and it doesn't occur to them that the mom who was there for them no matter what actually needs them too. It may sound strange, but in reality you raised them to know that they are deserving of love, are great people, and they are happy with their lives. When things are not so great, they go to their constant source of comfort - MOM.

No way were your time, work and love misplaced. Your kids are mostly self sufficient and in time they will come back to the fold. Well except for the one stunted by life in HongKong. His birth culture is soooo different that it may as well be another planet from the US. But the other kids? Will always be yours. Maybe the bio child feels that the others 'stole' you from him, and is acting out his anger on that, but it is a reflection of his mental health issues, NOT your parenting.

Your kids are productive members of society and that is a dang sight more than MANY parents ever achieve. They may feel so secure in your love that they don't contact you often, but it is NEVER out of fear that you will not be there for them. NEVER. Most are not yet at that stage where they see parents as actual PEOPLE who might be insecure or need them. In many people it doesn't happen until they have kids and those kids are old enough to question them. Then they start to wonder if their parents ever felt like they do and they open up more to their parents. As people are having babies later and later, in my opinion they are delaying this stage of development right along with the babies. Not right or wrong, just what seems to happen.

I hope you feel better soon. It is so hard when you have gotten to a point where you see some success on a real level and then bigger problems like Sonic's pop up. I have every faith that in time he will figure this out and that you will help him at every stage. In the meantime, it might not hurt to remind your kids that they would not be amiss if they contacted you more often, Know what I mean??

(((((hugs)))))

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, Susiestar, where would any of us be without you????

You got me thinking: The kids work then come home and really don't have a lot of time to call me. Bio. son is just the way he is...remote...however, he works long, long hours. PastryChef does too, but she really calls me whenever she's off. We are close. I'm close to Jumper and Sonic (even with all Sonic's problems). I feel a lot better,t hinking that they would call more if they had the time. ANd you're right, especially PastryChef.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are such a love!!!

 

[susiestar]

I am so glad it helped. I honestly believe every word. I got there by looking at the 2 sides of my famly - mom's and dad's and how they are, which kids are close and which are far from it, and if they were at different times in their lives.

 

[BusynMember]

It is true that they are independent and functioning well. That made me feel a lot better...lol.

You rock!

 

[Fran]

MWM, I doubt any of us have not had a sense of wondering if parenting was really all it's cracked up to be.
difficult child's made me question why I did this and who does it benefit. I came up with the goal being to raise law abiding, tax paying, moral adults who are as independent as they can be. If they like me or love me or choose to keep in touch then that's the gravy of parenting.
I think the fact that you have independent functioning children speaks volumes of how you raised them.
My in laws are wonderful parents and their children adore them but all 3 children live far away and are not very good keeping in touch. It's not a reflection of the parents but the children are raising their own children and all working full time. Makes it difficult. I know in laws would like for all of us to live closer but they encouraged independence and following a dream so they can't really blame their kids for listening to the parents advice.
Our kids may never be adult friends or be part of our lives but we always hope don't we? I hope you feel better and your kids give you some part of themselves. Hugs.

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks, Fran. It's true we fostered independence. And, now that I'm in a better mood, I really am close to PastryChef, even though she's three hours away...that isn't so far. A chef can work twelve hour shifts and seven days in a row. And my son has a very demanding sales/marketing job at a big and thriving company...when he gets home he wants to be with his son. I guess if they didn't work or didn't have demanding jobs they would call more often and need us more, but that isn't what I want either. I don't want my grown children to need me that way. You guys made me feel GOOD...lol

I feel better today. Thank you all for helping. I really, really, REALLY appreciate it.

 

[TerryJ2]

I am so glad that you are feeling better today. You asked the $6 million question: can we look back and say it was worth it? I am terrifed to ask that question. I can say it was worth it ... is worth it, so far, for my difficult child, but I don't about *me.* So I try not to think about it.
Many, many hugs.