Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Dec 8, 2019.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I haven't posted on here for quite sometime. Younger DGD is now 19 and is 4 months pregnant. And the "dad" is the same guy that we have dealt with since she was 14 and would sneak out of the house to be with him.

    Ive been going to AlAnon for 2.5 years. So it is helping me to cope better than I normally would. This summer, while boyfriend was in jail for 60 days for probation violation, I mailed him a letter of amends. I didn't absolve him of all the wrong things he and DGD had done, but I admitted that it was wrong of me to place all the blame on him. That she was now 19 and was responsible for her actions, the same as him.

    The day he got out of jail I offered to by BC for DGD. She refused, says she hasn't used BC for 5 years. Thinks she can't get pregnant, plus he wouldn't wear a condom anyway. Well, she must have gotten pregnant that first night, based on her due date.

    He's been out of jail for 4 months and has not found a job. He has only done community service (4 hours) one time. He goes back to court Tuesday and the PO wants him to serve 90 days. Except for the stress it will cause DGD during the pregnancy, I hope he does.

    They are living with his dad and girlfriend, which is a pretty good place. The first half of this year they lived with his mom, which was not good. She is an alcoholic. My boundaries are set...he can not stay here. If DGD needed to, and she follows the house rules, she could. But she won't leave his side for one night...either that or he won't let her.

    He is still married, and has two children he has no parental rights to. And the kids mom has lost custody of them too. Their last child was born premature and addicted to drugs. His wife is in another relationship but DGD has found texts and photos on her phone that they were sending to each other.

    But, I'm letting go. I will not raise a third generation. husband and I are focusing on ourselves.

    Oh, older DGD (21) had her BC implant removed last week. Younger DGD said she's wanting a baby, too. Sigh. Neither should be having children. More on older later. I'll make it a separate post.

  2. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Oh my you have sure had your plate full. I hope you can stick to the boundaries, you certainly deserve your latter years with your husband. Time to care for one another.
    In healing
  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    According to what I have read, there can be many reasons teenage or young adult girls deliberately get pregnant. Sometimes the sister will get pregnant because of all the attention given to the other sister if she's pregnant. Do you think your other granddaughter wants attention like her sister is getting?

    TV shows like "16 and Pregnant" and "Unexpected" are said to be part of the problem. The girls on those shows are making money from being pregnant. If they get pregnant again, the show renews their contract. They get their nails and makeup done for free before they go on camera.

    Until recently, teenage girls and young adults were told they would ruin their lives by getting pregnant. Because it's such a common problem these days, parents and teachers are no longer telling the girls they will ruin their lives this way. The churches have stopped telling them their lives are ruined because they don't want the girls to get abortions. They have started acting like an unwanted pregnancy is a great thing. Women at any age are so afraid birth control pills are going to make them fat, but pregnancy makes them fat, too! Men don't like condoms. Most doctors won't do a tubal ligation on a teenage girl.

    I don't know what kind of relationship your granddaughters have with their mom. That could have something to do with their decision to get pregnant on purpose. Maybe they want to trap a guy into marriage, or are seeking a way to be supported by him financially. I also think some girls just want a baby to cuddle as long as the aggravating part of motherhood doesn't come. I think if some of them would just get a kitten, they could have something to cuddle and love without all the problems and expense that a child would cause!
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    crayola... There are probably lots of reasons she, and other young women get pregnant.

    This summer, while boyfriend was in jail, she was upset about something, and I found out it was because she started her period. I told her that was nothing to be upset about. She said boyfriend was upset that she started... And she was afraid he wouldn't stay with her if they couldn't have a child. Well, he had two others that had his baby and he didn't stick around for them, either!

    DGD has always said she didn't want a child, it was never anything she was interested in. And after she found out she was pregnant she talked to a clinic about termination. This was when he was texting and calling his estranged wife. Another time she referred to the baby as "he's the one that wanted a fxxxxxg baby, not me. This was after he was texting some girl and she was sending him nude photos.

    Now that the baby is developing and she's feeling movement, she seems appropriately happy and excited. But, I know that she sees the big picture has has said she knows she might be raising this child by herself. Several weeks ago, when she was upset about his texting someone else, I told her that I hope she keeps an open mind, and if when she has the child, if she thinks adoption would be a better option I would be supportive. That she still has options. She was afraid that if she tried for adoption, he would take the baby. I doubt any court would give him the baby, since they already terminated his parental rights. Then, the other girl that supposedly had a child with him, does not let him have contact. I'm not sure that any DNA testing has been done. Supposedly, one of his wife's first two boys were fathered by him, but she was married to someone else then, and the court gave both boys to first husband. What a Sh!t Show.

    Regarding her biomom... I'm sure, now that she's pregnant, she has wondered how a mom could ever pick drugs over their child. Sadly, I know that unless things change, she will pick boyfriend over her child. He's her drug of choice now. I do believe she is no longer using drugs or alcohol as I see her almost daily.

    The future is scary. He has put his wife in the hospital twice... Ksm
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    older DGD has always wanted a baby. The same way she wants stray kittens and puppies. husband and I joked that the next to last cat she "rescued" was exactly like her bio moms children. Her biomom always went on and on about how she did everything for her kids, and how much she loved them.

    Older DGD was living with a guy who let her bring the cat home. Then she left him and shared a house with several people, and one guy at that house threatened to harm the cat, so she took cat back to old boyfriend.

    Then she moved about 100 miles away, and new guys apartment didn't allow pets, so she left it at old boyfriend for a while. Then new guys mom said it could stay with her. Then they broke up, and DGD and cat moved back to our town, she stayed with us, cat went back to old boyfriend.

    Then she moved in with a female friend and her parents. After a month or so, cat moved in to that house. Then a few days later, she and the friend she lived with went to another state for 9 days. When she got home, found out that the cat had got outside and never returned.

    She was devastated. Oh, how she loved that cat...and how well she took care of it...(sarcasm). Now she has started the process over. Rescued another cat. We will not allow her to live here with a cat or pet. Because we will be the ones taking care of it. Our cats are 10 and 12 years old. We love them, but at this age, we do not want to start over with new pets.

    Older DGD has not been in a stable relationship. She has always jumped fully in to every new relationship. No taking it slow and getting to know the guy first.

    I have talked to her and her sister about healthy relationships until I have given up. She is now planning on driving about 600 miles to another state to visit a "friend" and hoping to eventually live there.

    It's sad. Yes, the guy probably told her to come for the weekend...but he has never put any effort to come see her, nor is he sending money for her gas to get there.

    She has done similar things before, and it never ends well. Ksm
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately or fortunately (depending on who you are in this) it is in no way socially unacceptable to have a child out of wedlock. Millennials have the lowest marriage rate since this statistic was recorded. Having babies is down too but many still do.

    I remember the first time Amy told me that somebody at school was pregnant and that her mother and grand parents were throwing her a baby shower. This girl was 15 and from two very successful parents who loved her. So that was Amy's first baby shower and there were many more. There was town chatter but no condemnation in the neighborhood and her peers we're excited.

    This girl had her baby and went to college later on and her parents raised the child. The girls life wasn't ruined. Neither were the other girls Amy went to school with who had babies. We tried to tell Amy we would not raise her child if she had one before she was ready and she said with a smile that she isn't dumb enough to do that but also said "Guys, if I was that dumb and had a baby you might not throw me a shower but you are both too kind not to care for the baby. So don't lie. But don't worry. I want to finish college first and get married."

    Amy was right.

    And true to her word she did wait. But it wasn't because she thought having a baby was a stigma or would ruin her life.

    The world has changed. The stigma is gone.

    Now NOT all parents will or can care for grandbabies, but many do. For those who really do have a hard time, I feel very badly for Mom and Child. It still is hard to do it alone. I wish there were still a stigma that would make young mom's think twice.

    Wishing you the best.
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    This is very sad news, KSM.

    It isn’t just the fact of single motherhood, in this case.

    It also involves a father who doesn’t take care of the children he already has, doesn’t work, is a criminal, is violent, is married to someone else, and yet, insists that your DGD become pregnant.

    The facts are dismal, to say the least.

    No one has ever tried harder to raise their kids well and keep them out of trouble than you have. I wish it could have turned out differently.

    It is all very sad.

    I was hoping to hear better news about the older DGD. I hope she finds a good man who loves her before she has a baby.

    How are you and your husband holding up? How is your son taking the news?
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  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I am so sorry also to hear that your GD is pregnant. She sounds very unstable herself and the man she is with is unstable also.

    This has nothing to do with your parenting. She is continuing to make bad choices.

    I do hope she listens to you and gives the baby up for adoption. I have never had a grandchild so I cannot even imagine the emotions that brings on for you.

    I do think you have to focus on you and hubby. Like you said, how many generations can you raise?

    It's so hard to know what these young people are thinking. I do hope that in the end it works out okay for her.

    Sending positive vibes and prayers to you!
  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys, some days, when things are really tough, I look back and wonder if adopting our grands was the best for them. Their next older brother (the oldest brother livesacross the US) was adopted by his biodad, whom he had never met before he went in to foster care. He has done really well in comparison. But, maybe it's because he moved across the state at age 8. He had pretty much forgotten all about his life here. He didn't have the reminders that the girls had. Seeing their previous home when we drive to school. Having sporadic contact with biomom for the first 3 or 4 years.

    Biomom moved about 1500 miles away, back to the state she grew up in. Now, they have some phone contact with her, but neither have expectations of her at this point. They are indifferent now.

    I have read all about adverse effects of early childhood, broken emotional parental bonds, and the lasting effects of prenatal substance abuse and the genetic roulette of their DNA. It's still hard to not feel that maybe I could have done things differently, had different outcomes.

    This past year, husband and I bought a small camper and did a two week service trip two states away, we helped build houses for people devastated by hurricanes and flooding. All the volunteers were senior citizens with campers and we stayed in the same campground and had weekly potluck dinners. We did some sightseeing together on our weekends off.

    We hope to do it again for a couple months in the fall and winter, but it's scary to leave town...especially once the baby has arrived.

    husband has some volunteer things he does, like being a bayliff or delivering subpoenas, riding his motorcycle with the American Legion Riders. I volunteer with church things.

    Right now I am going thru stuff (actual stuff! Not emotional stuff!) here at home. I'm dividing the girls books I've saved, Xmas ornaments they've made or been giving, toys that were special to them. I am boxing them up and putting their names on them. I've also pared down on kitchen ware, hoping that one day they will have their own places. I know I will need to keep this stuff here for a while. But if something happens to me or husband...then it won't be overwhelming.

    We have a full unfinished basement and it was too easy to just keep putting boxes down there. It's a 100 year old home, so the basement, while dry and has a laundry room, will never be finished livable space.

    I'm finally at the point in my life can let go of my past...and this "stuff".