DGD update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Mar 10, 2020.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    DGD and her boyfriend finally got in to a low income duplex last week. She is working about 20 hours a week and boyfriend is (finally!!) working about 25/30 hours a week. He had been out of jail for 6 months before finding a job. DGD is due in about 6/7 weeks.

    Having them in our town has been a huge relief as they were living with the BFs Dad in a small town 20 miles fom us and do not have a car. Their duplex is 6 blocks from the fast food place he works at and a little over a mile fom her job. We will continue giving her a ride as she is very uncomfortable at this stage of pregnancy. She is barely 5 ft tall so not much space for baby at this point.

    This weekend is a baby shower that his dad's girlfriend is hosting. I still worry on how this will turn out. A day before they were to move, they argued and she decided not to let him move in with her. But by the afternoon, she changed her mind. He was calling her a b****, and dropping f*** bombs and using n word. She told him she would not allow that around their daughter. (He is biracial).

    She's afraid now that he is working, he will spend his money as he wants and then they can't pay rent and utilities. The last 4 to 5 months, she was working, they didn't have to pay his dad for food or rent, or pay for gas to go to work, and they (he) still managed to blow her weekly check.

    In two days, he goes back to court to see if he's the father of a 2 year old who is now in foster care. The mother was neglectful and child removed. He did a DNA test...he doesn't think the child is his, as he isn't "bi-racial" enough. Their was another possible father listed on court papers, but he didn't show up in court. He also has 1 or 2 boys from his wife (who he is not divorced from). Her first husband has the two older boys, and her mom has the youngest. Neither he or his estranged wife have any parental rights to her 3 boys. And this is what scares me the most. DGD is doing good...except for being in a relationship and pregnancy with this guy.

    I'm afraid that she will be under extra scrutiny because of his past. It's scary, because we have already old her that we will not raise a third generation. We will be involved, as any grand/great grandparent would be.

    I know there is really nothing we can do, except be supportive and have boundaries. Excited and scared all at the same time. Ksm
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2020
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Prayers and love in your direction.
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Busy...
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Well it's good news and bad. Glad she is stable.

    He sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen though and has a LOT of baggage at such a young age. YIKES.

    She is SO very blessed to have you in her life.

    Praying for a good outcome.
  5. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    KSM, you have done so much. You are right to let your DGD live by her own choices. I pray she is seeing for herself that she made the wrong choice to stay with this flake. It's up to her to turn her life around. You are right to teach life skills. Even if she rejects them now, they could be the whisper she needs someday.

    Excited and scared? Logical!

    In healing and strength
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  6. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I really thought she would be fed up with him by now. I guess the pregnancy hormones haven't been that bad. If she's got 6-7 weeks to g, she's probably not sleeping well because it's hard to get don't at that stage. Maybe sleep deprivation will make her frustrated enough to blame all this on him and throw him out.
  7. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Kay has been with such a man for about 20 years. I believed they would break up. I still do. But I am still waiting....
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Today this morning, they were to go to court in a nearby town for a court hearing about his DNA test. I was to drive them to his dad's house 20 miles away, then they were going to attend court with him. They did the swab test 5 weeks ago.

    I texted them, and was told they wasn't going as he had to work at 11. I think he just didn't want to go...odds were, they could have been back in time. They didn't even tell his parents they weren't going!

    My first thought is that he's afraid he may be drug tested... My second thought, he will never be responsible for this child, either. How sad. I know my DGD is in a difficult situation. But, she won't walk away from him... Ksm
  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    And he is the father...of a little two year old boy...

    I don't know what happens next. I just know they will be under a microscope once her baby is born. Ksm
  10. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I just read this and was hoping that he wasn’t the father of this boy.

    I’m glad your daughter at least has a place to live. She should probably assume that she is responsible for all the bills and plan accordingly.

    I hope your older granddaughter is doing well!
  11. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Thanks, AppleCori. Older DGD is pretty much surviving at a friends house. The friend went away to college, but she just stayed on with the girls parents. Last year was rough, several injuries, including a brain bleed from falling off a friends horse. Moving in with her boyfriend and his wife, that lasted 6 weeks. Imagine that. Still doing what she wants, but is working part time and only contacting us when she needs something. Oh, snd she wants a baby. Sigh. Ksm
  12. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I didn't know about the brain bleed. Yikes!
  13. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    It is hard enough to raise children these days when both parents are involved. When one of them can't or won't help it is even harder. The grandparents in so many cases step in. I am glad you have set some boundaries which will make your DGD more independent and hopefully ease your life as well. Prayers.
  14. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Wow, that is great that the parents are letting her stay with them.

    Much better than living with her boyfriend and his wife—what was she thinking!

    I hope she figures out what she wants to do with her life soon—and it doesn’t include a baby without a responsible partner.
  15. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Yes, one DGD without a responsible partner is enough! I think it would actually be easier by herself. But younger DGD is not to that point yet.

  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I was unclear here what scared you and here you tell us:
    If you think of the baby's welfare, the greater scrutiny is a good thing. It is also in daughter's because it's in her interest to be a good, responsible mother. Who knows? Maybe she'll protect the baby. Maybe the baby will be the impetus for her to protect herself, and the baby, with this deadbeat, abusive man.

    I am glad for you that she's nearby. And it's great news that they have a place and work. Daughter is catching on if she's already anxious the guy will use his earnings for his own wants and needs. Thank you ksm for the update.
  17. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    It's normal for me to think of the extra scrutiny...because of the nightmare getting her and her sister out of the foster care system. I lived it. It was terribly difficult. It took a year to get them out of foster care! And we stepped up immediately! It left invisible scars on both my granddaughters, and affected how they form friendships and relationships.

    Maybe things have changed in the last 17 years. But the foster care system is broken in our state... Ksm