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Family of Origin
Did I do the right thing going no contact?
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 743403" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Why do so many parents do this? My ex did this with the kids. C was scapegoat. N golden child. S lost child. E was the peacemaker/responsible child. C and N could do the exact same things and be treated entirely differently by their dad. I never understood it and was never able to change it. I’m so sorry you were treated that way and put in that role. After I got out of my marriage, I talked with all of the kids about patterns of abuse, dysfunctional families, and the roles they each held in ours. I let them read about it and decide for themselves where each sibling fit. It wasn’t hard, and they all agreed on everyone’s roles. I think bringing it into the light and talking about it saved their relationships with each other. It broke through the resentments left over from childhood and helped them each break out of their roles. </p><p></p><p>I’ve let them each decide for themselves how much contact to have with their dad. N maintains occasional contact by phone from 2000 miles away. C and S have both had a push - pull relationship, attempting to reconnect periodically and getting burned. C hasn’t had contact since the drama a couple months ago and as of now says never again. We’ll see. S went no contact at that time too but I think is conflicted. E has had little contact with him since I left him when she was in high school - we went through shelters and safe houses together and he never pushed for visitation after that as she made it clear she didn’t want to see him. She has been totally no contact as an adult. She agonized over the wedding but once she realized she didn’t have to invite him she never looked back. I truly believe she’s done. </p><p></p><p>I am just grateful my kids have relationships with each other, even though They are living very different lives. I think having those conversations about roles and bringing it all out into the light really helped. I wish you had been able to do that with your siblings, and that each of them was able to see the past and the family dynamics with the clear eyes you seem to be bringing here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 743403, member: 23349"] Why do so many parents do this? My ex did this with the kids. C was scapegoat. N golden child. S lost child. E was the peacemaker/responsible child. C and N could do the exact same things and be treated entirely differently by their dad. I never understood it and was never able to change it. I’m so sorry you were treated that way and put in that role. After I got out of my marriage, I talked with all of the kids about patterns of abuse, dysfunctional families, and the roles they each held in ours. I let them read about it and decide for themselves where each sibling fit. It wasn’t hard, and they all agreed on everyone’s roles. I think bringing it into the light and talking about it saved their relationships with each other. It broke through the resentments left over from childhood and helped them each break out of their roles. I’ve let them each decide for themselves how much contact to have with their dad. N maintains occasional contact by phone from 2000 miles away. C and S have both had a push - pull relationship, attempting to reconnect periodically and getting burned. C hasn’t had contact since the drama a couple months ago and as of now says never again. We’ll see. S went no contact at that time too but I think is conflicted. E has had little contact with him since I left him when she was in high school - we went through shelters and safe houses together and he never pushed for visitation after that as she made it clear she didn’t want to see him. She has been totally no contact as an adult. She agonized over the wedding but once she realized she didn’t have to invite him she never looked back. I truly believe she’s done. I am just grateful my kids have relationships with each other, even though They are living very different lives. I think having those conversations about roles and bringing it all out into the light really helped. I wish you had been able to do that with your siblings, and that each of them was able to see the past and the family dynamics with the clear eyes you seem to be bringing here. [/QUOTE]
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Did I do the right thing going no contact?
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