Do I reach out or not?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Feb 10, 2020.

  1. Son was 21 day sober and so happy. Started talking to a girl from back home who lives in another state now Had an airline ticket to spend the weekend with her and was just so happy with life. I noticed such a difference in him. Well, something happened and he didn't go on his trip. Lost the airline ticket money and hasn't made any contact with us. I had no clue anything was wrong. I sent texts wishing him a good trip and no reply. My daughter seen a snapchat from him and he was still in his city where he resides. She asked him why he didn't go and all he said was it was a long story and not worth explaining. We have tried calling and he won't answer- goes to voicemail. Won't answer my husbands text either.
    I have not text him. I am fearing he relapsed because silence usually is the red flag. I have no clue what would have happened that he didn't go. He was still in a good place mentally on Wednesday morning of last week so I have not a clue what possibly could have went wrong.

    I feel like a horrible mom for not sending a text to see if he is okay. He never replied to my text on Friday when I wished him a good trip. I feel if it was something about her having to work that he couldn't go on the trip then he would have said something so I am feeling it was something she didn't like that he did and she told him about it. Only speculation on my part.

    Would you reach out or just let him come to me via text? He doesn't answer calls. I don't even know what to say.
  2. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    "Lost the airline ticket money" - I would venture to guess that means he has relapsed. You are not a horrible Mom for not sending any more texts . You did reach out, and he didn't reach back. Drop the guilt. You did not do anything wrong.

    The most important thing is that he gets back to recovery asap without Shame and without guilt. Was he going to meetings or white knuckling on his own?

    I think it matters little whether you continue to reach out or not. Just follow your gut feeling on it . He knows you are worried because he will see the missed calls.
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I agree with Wise. Of course you fear relapse. Anyone would.

    He doesn't want to talk to you right now. There is nothing you can do right now. You did try to reach out so don't beat yourself up. These "kids" come to us when THEY are ready, not when we are ready.

    A lots of different scenarios could have played out that caused him not to go.

    I wish my son was in a relationship and then sometimes I'm thankful that he isn't because you really need to be mentally healthy to handle a relationship. They don't always bring positiveness into ones life.

    Good luck and keep us posted!
  4. When I said he lost the airline ticket, I meant that since he didn't go he will lose part of the amount he paid for it or all of it depending on the airline. He handled all of that. I was just stating that I am sure that really upset him as well.
    My husband sent him a text this morning and told him not to shut us out. He did reply a few hours later that he will call later tonight.
    I honestly don't know if I can talk. I am not a strong person. Been through so much for so long.
    He was so happy these last few weeks. Actually seemed to have a new outlook and more positive but again he was thinking this relationship was going somewhere.
    I am at a loss for words and tonight I guess I will just listen in.
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    What I'm hearing is that he's putting all his eggs into one basket "happy thinking the relationship would work" and that is scary for me to hear as the mother of a difficult adult son.

    They are fragile in the beginning and while I want my son to meet a wonderful girl (of my dreams for him lol) because I know that the right person can make a huge difference in someone's life, it is a lot to put on someone.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that they have to have a hunger for living a productive and good life they can be proud of that does not include a relationship first, because if a relationship doesn't work out then the emotional toll it takes on them can be great.

    I go from feeling strong to not feeling strong so I do understand how you feel. Hopefully your husband can talk to him tonight and relay the information to you. When things were too hard for me to bear, I let his dad take over and that worked well for us and my son has no hard feelings toward me now.
  6. He didn't call which I figured he would not. I so agree about him not getting into a relationship. He has always been this way. He will never just learn to love himself. He refuses to make male friends by getting involved in sober activities. Says he needs a girl to feel complete but then in a few weeks goes back to booze and well it all falls apart. I don't know when he will stop this cycle. Rarely if ever goes to meetings or even sees his sponsor. Caught him in a lie 2 weeks ago when he asked if I would send him an Uber card to see his sponsor. When he called the last time and was telling us about his upcoming trip to see his female friend I asked him when the last time was he seen his sponsor and he said "oh it has been awhile" I said well you lied to me then because you asked for an Uber card to meet with him just this past Thursday.... he knew I caught him.
    Can't trust him so why do I bother thinking he changed.
    He truly did sound happy to be sober though on the phone 2 weeks ago but then life was good is how he put it... He was sober and going to meet his female friend and they discussed getting into a relationship.. Fast forward to 4 days later and he didn't go on the trip and is now back to his dark place because whatever happened between them crushed him. Thanks for listening.
  7. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Hi. Prayers and love to you. Accept all the positivity that you can.

    Your son is on a trip called life and may very well find the light one day. That is in all of us...we just need to embrace it. He is not alone, if God is in your life. You know God is there for him if he sees Him. I know it's hard. I do not totally understand my daughter's path, which so far is to shun those who have loved her so much. I may never understand her path because it is hers. I believe everyone has the inner strength to turn to a better way and many people do. It is often sudden.

    I finally, finally believe that our job is to follow our light and be our highest self, for us and for others. We can be examples of strength and even our wayward kids will notice. It could inspire them to do better or to at least realize there is another way. That makes us leaders. Even healers.

    We may not help our kids find their inner light but it may affect another person who needs to see. We can focus our purpose in helping others do better under hard circumstances. We can do what we are capable of and feel better about ourselves. I have learned. In the end, it is really about us, our example, our bravery (because this takes courage) and walking our own path as our loved one walks his or hers. Hopefully to light and betterment.

    I feel for your pain and for your son who fights his illness and demons. I have lived most of my mother years in degrees of pain and feeling powerless. But I have changed my perceptive and am no longer listening so much to the mean girl in my head and more to my higher self. It has been quite different. My ego is not my friend nor honest and caring. I am learning to dismiss the commentary it states. I find it to my disadvantage.

    I pray for you to find your light. You are stronger than you know. Your son has strength too. There is an unknown future that could be great for both of you or at least one of you.

    Be well. Love and hugs.
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hopefully he can connect with the joy and freedom he felt during the time that he was sober and want that back.

    Hopefully this time he will want it back for longer and eventually forever.

    If you are a believer, I would turn him over to God because he is also God's son and this is your son's life journey. You are only along for the ride if you so choose and it is treacherous.

    I honestly don't know how anyone can make it through this without faith.

    Hugs to you.
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  9. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    It's possible that maybe the girl he was talking to suggested he not come to visit. We all know how one person can think the relationship is solid and going somewhere and unknowingly to us, all of a sudden the other person pulls away. So, maybe rather than thinking he's relapsed, maybe it's that things changed quickly insofar as the girlfriend's feelings are concerned and she felt it was too much too soon and he needs time to process that before speaking with you because he feels rejected or played a fool for thinking things were better than they were.

    Easier said than done but I would try not to imagine the worst case scenario and if you aren't strong enough to talk to him tonight, let your husband begin the conversation to feel things out and then join in afterwards when/if you feel stronger.
  10. Just wanted to add an update... he never called. Husband called last night again as well and he won't answer.
    I am tired of the cycle with him. He calls that he is finally sober and then we assist a little with getting him back on his feet. (I mean just a little- we don't pay his rent in full or anything- just a little help- ) He usually gets sober when there is a relationship that is going well. As soon as that falters he is back down in the hole again and returns to his booze. Gets out of it, finds a girl, repeat...
    He will be 26 in a few months. Then on his own for health insurance.
    If he calls, I so want to say 'Do you not see your own pattern?? Maybe you should get help to see why you always need to be in a relationship and why as soon as it falters you reach for booze?? Maybe you should work a program? Take your antabuse like the doctor wants you to and get a sponsor?? NOPE! He does it his way.
    Sick of it.
    So, I will not reach out. He may be embarrassed because he relapsed. I am embarrassed for even helping the little I did. My parents on the other hand helped him a lot more and now he will rack his credit cards right back up again. Praying I could be all wrong.
    I do know that he did relapse. I found out through a friend that has a contact with him. He told that friend he had a rough patch this past week and is trying to get back on track.
    I do pray and know that it is in God's timing.
    Thank you all for listening
  11. louise2350

    louise2350 Member

    Trying: I agree with all of the above advice you've received from others.

    Since your son did experience being sober for a while and felt very good about it, no matter what life deals him, he may again try living sober. At least he is trying to let go of substance abuse. Many do not even attempt to do that.

    I do hope things improve for you and your son and both of you receive blessings and peace.
  12. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Trying, one issue that gets us upset is that we obviously look for good signs and run with that. 20 days sober is no time at all for an addict. That does NOT mean that it is insignificant. He tried! That's great! But it's too soon to let our guards down.

    I feel it is best to sort of cross our fingers and see.

    I wish you a very peaceful day. You did nothing wrong. Move on. Try to be nice to yourself today. You deserve it!
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Say what you need to say to your son and don't worry about how he will take it.

    I did. I never felt like anything I said or did made a difference. But I found out that he heard me. He heard me loud and clear. Not sure if it changed anything but we were so very close before this happened to him/to us. I had to get it out and I really don't have any regrets or guilt on how I handled things. I turned my back on him for a few years and let my husband deal with him. I had to do that for myself. I had to detach because I simply could not bear the pain that he was putting me through watching him destroy himself. I had to let go. I used all of my energy to pray for him every day and I honestly think I was silently praying all the time. I'd wake up in the night and pray. I had done everything else. I wish I had done that first.
  14. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    Thank you for this post. It resonated with me.
  15. update.... After my son not returning my husbands calls or texts, last night he sent me a picture of his One month sober coin??
    Seriously, I don't feel he was sober last weekend. All the signs point to him drinking... very low cell data usage (he is on my plan and I check data usage- this is the only way I know he is alive when he withdraws like this-), not returning calls or texts is also a red flag.

    I don't know how to respond to the picture. I feel he is not telling the truth.

    I would like to say "I was not expecting this after last weekend" or "I was thinking the worst after you withdrew again and didn't reply to texts or return calls."
    Or I could just say congrats....

    He did tell the contact I have through his work that he had a rough patch and is getting back on track so that is why I feel he is lying about the one month sober.
    Again, he is many states away from us so we have no idea. Just go by the typical signs from the last how many years that point to relapse.
  16. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I could never trust my daughter's claims. And she also lived in another state. It was not as far, but I could not actually see her nor did I really want to know. The lies got to me. I am not saying your son is lying.

    I would text what I call a gray response. "Thanks for the photo" or "Keep it up" or something short that does not require a response. What is the point of challenging him? Actions speak louder than words. You will find out in time what is really going on. Even if he becomes sober, that doesn't mean he deserves gifts from you. I say this only because often a claim of changing is followed by a plea for monetary help along with a manipulative threat such as "If you don't send $1000 I will lose my job" or "I am sick and can't afford a doctor." These are scare tactics that cause us to worry about the well being of our kids. They can use our love to get money.

    In the end, you do what your heart tells you to do. Love is always good to send in any text in my opinion. I used to overthink my every response to everybody. Now I try, and don't always succeed, to respond with love only. Love in my opinion heals more than anything I can advise or do for others. And it helps heal me too.

    I wish I had a great response for you but I try these days to take myself out of the lives of others and not add drama, even when I really want to have a say so. For me, saying too much has not worked and often puts me in the middle of places where I don't belong. Maybe a response like "Keep taking care of yourself. I love you" would feel good? We can not insist on proof that their truth is what they tell us and expect that they will deliver.

    I send you blessings and hugs and hope you can find peace today. God is always with you and your loved ones. You are never alone. We are here too.
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