My last contact with Josh was last Wednesday when he texted another of his tirades. No word since, and I am still working on detaching. I've come to the point where I feel that contacting him is being disloyal to my husband, whom Josh has called every name in the book. Anyway, here's my question. We adopted Josh when he was four months old. At the time, it felt like we had won the lottery. Like we had been blessed beyond our dreams. He was raised with love and support from not only us but other family members, youth group leaders, etc. These days, I find images of Josh at different times and ages coming into my mind, memories of happy times, back when I thought life would be "normal." (I feel naive thinking that now). Do the rest of you struggle with having those images of happy times and images of your child at different ages coming into your mind without warning? It's bittersweet and painful because the person he is now--hateful, disrespectful, dishonest, etc.--is like a mockery of the person he once was (or who I thought he was at least). I don't even know anymore what was real and what wasn't. Was it all a facade? At times, I struggle with wondering if we disobeyed God in adopting him. Did we rush into something that was not intended? I honestly don't believe we did, just because of the circumstances of his adoption, but there are days that it eats at me. I feel almost "shell-shocked". How in the world did something that was the most wonderful thing that happened to us become something so ugly and painful? And if placing Josh in our home was God's will, why? Was it just God's goodness and grace to him---to give him the best opportunity to make the right choices? Is this just something that God has allowed in our lives to deepen our trust in Him? These are the questions that nag at me. Some days I go about life with just a few thoughts and prayers for Josh. Other days, the pain is so intense. I have photo albums and scrapbooks of Josh. I don't know if I will ever be able to look at them again. Too, too painful. Thanks for listening to this rant.