Doing all the wrong steps...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Nov 8, 2018.

  1. Well, my counselor has told me that my son is destined for relapse. He is taking all of the wrong roads. Refused sober living, left IOP and now has started a new relationship with a girl he met... He is not 3 months sober yet.
    I feel like it is a ticking time bomb.
    I can see him falling hard and diving into this relationship, giving up his weekend overtime work, spending lots of money on gifts for her just like all of his other past girlfriends.
    I know this is out of my hands. Wishing I could just pull down the blind and let go. I need to but I can't help but worry.
    I have reminded him to keep up going to his aa meetings... It most likely fell on deaf ears.
    I can't control him I know that. But when the world crashes, who do the call.... Mom
    He said he told her about being in recovery and she said she will support him through.. All I can do is pray.
    Thanks for letting me share.
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    So sorry to hear this but you know that YOU cannot prevent HIS relapse.

    Don't we all wish that were possible? It's his journey and on him.

    It is good that you are talking to someone about this. I know that it helped me tremendously.

    Read my post on "what is addiction" on this forum that I copied but I think it is very good. It shows how much they care about us when they are using. The answer is: not at all. We are the means to and end.

    Let him feel the natural consequences of his choices. That is what we have to do as parents of an addict. It's hard and not normal but it is the only way that we can truly "help" them.

    If he does not do what he needs to do then he is not ready to be sober and that is on HIM.

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  3. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    Waiting for the train wreck. You know the switch is flipped. You know trains are coming in opposite directions. I chose not to stand and watch. My choice. I'd rather know its going to happen from a far away distance. My only way to deal with the terror.

    And unless the call is from a hospital doctor I don't take the call. Who's he gonna call? Don't know but its not me. He needs to be bailed out? Sorry tapped out. Need me to drop everything and pick you up? Sorry, got a life. Try a taxi. Need money for car you wrecked to get you to work? Take the bus. Lost the job? Sorry. Try the want ads, don't know anyone. my contacts too valuable to waste getting you a job you're only going to not show up for cause you're high. You get the picture. Not using me anymore as long as you're using. I don't deserve this life.

    Did all that for too long. My philosophy. My choices. He makes his I can't control. I make my choices.
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    It is a tough Journey and at some point we all recognize it is theirs and theirs alone. No matter how much manipulation and gaslighting they put us through, we are not responsible for their Choices they are.

    I am supportive of my son as long as he is supportive of himself. We will not enable him. We are grateful he appears to be on the right path. It is one day at a time.
  6. He relapsed yesterday. It was awful and brought back so many memories. Went away with the new girlfriend (which he moves way too fast on) and she found out she had something.. he freaked out and came home and drank. Would have had 3 months sober this week. He called and it was just terrible. I asked what the plans are now going forward but got a sly remark.
    The third time we spoke he said he didn’t want to be like that again but I have no clue if he meant it.
    I guess today we will see.
  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    So difficult to manage and deal with the ups and downs the in and outs of it all. I am so sorry and I hope this relapse is short lived.
  8. Still is drinking. Said he can’t stop. I suggested calling where he did inpatient and asking what he should do but he won’t. I guess I just sit and wait
  9. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    I’m so sorry. I hope he gets back on course soon. I have to believe that they take something positive from each attempt, even if they ultimately relapse. And if they keep trying, someday it will stick.
  10. I am feeling I need to call and do a well check but possibly he is sleeping. He lives across the country and if he was up all night I am feeling he is sleeping....
    The last I heard from him he cursed me.
    I fear Thursday for him being alone. He was to go to his alumni dinner where he went to inpatient...
    It is so hard to put on a happy face for the family when this is like this. I know I am to live my life but as you all can relate when it is your child it is rips your heart out.
    Thanks for all of the support and prayers.
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for your pain.

    As you know, not one thing will be accomplished by ruining your holiday. Unlikely your son is going to be alone or pining away on Thanksgiving. But you do have loving family coming to be with you.

    Sometimes our troubled loved ones take up so much of our space that nobody else who loves us, including spouses and other kids who are doing well, can get in.....
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2018
  12. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    You do know that you can't control this. You can't do anything. He knows that you love him. He needs to make choices for him. You need to make choices for you. Certainly not having all our loved ones around under any circumstances isn't ideal. But how you respond is your choice. Will you spend the day thinking sad thoughts? Or every time a sad thought comes up look at another loved one and smile?

    Speaking only for myself I chose many, many years ago not to participate in extended family holidays. It was not rewarding, enjoyable or in any way positive for me. While you may not understand this, before I had kids I chose other ways to spend holidays. I obviously don't know your son. But it may well be less stressful for him to be away from the family dinner than to have to receive quizzical looks and questions he's not ready to answer. He may not be miserable at all as you imagine or as it would be for you. He knows where to reach out if he doesn't want to be alone. He will find his own path.