Don’t want to be B’s mom anymore

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by B’smom, Aug 26, 2018.

  1. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    Hard truth isn’t it? That they’ll receive more care and services while in care than when living with their natural parents. We definitely have a reactive society then proactive. It’s a threat I actually plan to use today while meeting with his mental health worker. Telling her that I cannot take him back. Sometimes, as horribly as this sounds, a hand must be sacrificed to save the body. What kind of mother am I, saying this. I’m positive this guilt will eat me alive one day.

    You’re definitely right about that unfortunately. I think about how my other children don’t get to be enrolled in extracurricular activities because of B. I can’t leave him home alone and bringing him with me would be out of the question. And I’m lucky if I can convince him to go to the respite workers house. It’s not fair to them.
    My oldest son is finally joining us in the house. He typically hides in his room because of B. It’s nice to be able to see everyone enjoying life together. It sucks though that it’s because B is gone.

    B called me several times last night. First call, he was hysterical and begging me to come and pick him up because another boy in the unit was swearing at him for no reason. I just wanted to say “welcome to the club, you do the same thing” but I refrained since now was not the time to discuss that. Would not have done any good anyways, just made him angrier. I told him I’d pick him up on Friday and he banged the phone, called me a :censored2: then hung up.

    The second call, an hour later was worse. He told me cut himself and it was all my fault because I wouldn’t pick him up. Hysterical again, telling me to come and get him. Then a switch flipped, he was laughing hysterically telling me he’s never coming home and he hopes he bleeds to death. Starts to swear and hangs up again on me. I called the unit back, I guess he scratched his arms up using a plastic toothpick. He’d live but they were going to get it checked anyways, just to be safe.

    These phone calls give me so much anxiety. I spent the rest of the night bawling. For multiple reasons, mostly the thought of having to deal with this on an everyday basis when he returns home at the end of the month. My other two will have to witness this. How is this fair to them? How is it fair to B, to sacrifice him for the others. But I’ve been sacrificing the others for him for over 9 years now.
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  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You can learn how to give him no more space than your others. Dont ruin their childhood because of B. For example, you dont need to talk to him on the phone more than tou want to. He is safe hands. All his phone calls upset you and accomplish nothing. Give him, say, five minutes a night and if he gets abusive tell him you need to go and will be happy ro talk to him hhen he is calmer. Even so young, can you allow him to abuse you? Is it a good pattern for him to learn as he grows? Even if he has a disorder? Society wont forgive that behavior.

    Hugs love and light!
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2018
  3. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    You’re absolutely right. I’m just not sure how to get to that point. Something I must definitely work on. Thank you
  4. One Hurt Mama

    One Hurt Mama New Member

    Dear B's Mom, I have no advice, no words of wisdom; just sending prayers and big hugs from an internet stranger.
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  5. Lila256

    Lila256 Member

    I don't have a lot to add in terms of suggestions, but I went through the same thing with my partner and his son. I repeatedly told doctors that I believed he had both autism and some type of psychiatric disorder (likely Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) in my opinion) because of my experience working with a range of people with various disabilities, and they repeatedly gave us behavioral plans to follow that never worked. We had been to every professional in two counties looking for answers, following every plan and lead to no avail, until after he had wracked up multiple criminal charges and my partner was forced to give up parental rights, and then they diagnosed him with "high functioning autism and prodromal stage severe mental illness." No kidding! These "professionals"..

    My partner and I are also going through the same tension you are feeling. When we were getting to the point where it was no longer safe for my stepson to be in the house (because he tried to poison his dad and threatened to kill me, and was also abusing our cat, etc.), my partner's response when we were considering whether to bring him home from the psychiatric ward or not was, "Well, I would bring him home." My thought was, "Of course you would. You are not the one that manages his issues day to day." He was a good dad and generally had my back and did what I asked him to, but he wasn't the driving force behind his son's care. I was, and I no longer felt safe. I told him I completely understood that he wanted to bring him home and I would never try to come between him and his child, but his son was not coming back to my house even if he had to move elsewhere to care for him. He chose to give up parental rights, but I have always got the feeling he in part blames me, even if he doesn't say it. We are continuing to work through this stress even though my stepson has been in a specialized facility for about a year and a half. It is so rough, and you are most definitely not alone!
  6. Lila256

    Lila256 Member

    Oops the system autocorrected Auditory Processing Disorders (APD)! I meant ASPD. Sorry I didn't catch that in time!
  7. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Oh B's mom.. I want to give you a big hug. You are dealing with such a hard situation. I know you love him and don't want him in your house --I can relate. that is how I feel about my 21 yr old son. I love him. I do not want him here. At least not the way he acted when he was living here. I agree with they others (I don't posses a medical degree) but oh heck..your boy is autistic. My son (not the difficult one) goes to a day workshop where there are many autistic people. The behavior you described I have seen many times on the day-hab side of the workshop. The 2 sides of the place have to be separated by a wall to keep the physically disables separate from those with violent tendencies.
    In the states if parents push and threaten a lawyer things happen quicker. In our schools there is a thing called due process that will cause the school district to contract with outside psychologist to do an evaluation. Then even if the school seems to be trying but you disagree with their treatment you can say "no, I want an outside evaluation or we are going for due process"Due process is more expensive than the school going ahead and having a new evaluation and you have input of who will do the evaluation.
    I don't know if any of this helps you. I used to be a parent advocate here and it always scared e at how the school districts tried to hde rights fro parents.
    Prayer and good wishes and good luck for you. I would call the facility and tell then you won't accept him back to your home at this time. He is too much of a threat to the 8 year old.period. They can't make you come get him. they can't put him out on the road.
  8. Lila256

    Lila256 Member

    That is what we ended up doing. The psychiatric ward that he was on actually told us that not picking him up was an option since they knew we had exhausted all other resources, but just asked that we give them warning if we were going to choose to do that. We actually didn't even end up doing that because we intended to pick him up and made the decision at the last minute because he was still threatening to kill his father in the discharge counseling session. CPS certainly made huge drama after that point for almost a year before they accepted him, but perhaps the systems are different there.
  9. I haven't been on this forum for awhile and wanted to check and see what's been happening lately. I wanted to let you know that you shouldn't feel guilty if you need to tell the facility that you cannot take him back. Some things are just too big for parents to handle. We don't have the resources to do it. If your child was diagnosed with cancer, would you feel guilty sending him to the hospital for treatment instead of trying to treat him yourself with home remedies. No, you wouldn't. This is the same thing. His mental health issues are too much for you and he can get more appropriate treatment in a facility than you can give him. And, you're protecting your other children from harm.

    Our youngest who is now 17 had to be placed in a residential facility for a year when he was 8 and then in a different facility for a year when he was 10. He has bipolar disorder and we think he also has undiagnosed high-functioning autism. Again, no doctors agree because he is very talkative. But he mostly talks at you, not a conversation, has poor social skills, sensory issues, poor coordination. It all says autism to me.

    He was violent and dangerous from the time he was a toddler. He was misdiagnosed with ADHD at age 6 and given stimulants. His rages became much worse and he became more and more violent. It wasn't until during his second residential stay that a doctor correctly diagnosed him as having early-onset bipolar disorder. Once his medications were changed, he became a different person. He still isn't an easy child to live with and occasionally has angry outbursts when he can't get what he wants, but he no longer hurts people or damages property. Sometimes sending your child away for awhile is what is needed to save them.
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  10. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    Thank you everyone who has had the time to respond. Words cannot describe how better I have felt that I have a place to come that understands what I’m going through.

    B has been given a new diagnosis that includes DMDD- disruptive mood dysregulation disorder. Basically a very irritable child at baseline that has severe outbursts that don’t match the situation. I’ve spent the afternoon reading up online and just bought a book so I can continue to learn about it. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Still trying to learn and process what this means for B and for us.

    We have told everyone on his team that he’s not coming back unless there’s a safety plan in place for little one. Safety can no longer be compromised. We’re unsure what that will look like. We’ve been told there may be a bed available at a longer term residential unit about an hour away from us. It can last up to a year but it doesn’t mean we will get that spot. As guilt ridden as I feel, I’m almost desperately hoping we get it. I haven’t healed enough to deal full time life with B. I should have more by the end of next week when he’s scheduled to return home. Fingers crossed we at least get help
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  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This sound so good. Travelling today will get back to you later.
  12. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    B's Mom, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and prayers for a good outcome here. I think you're right to stand your ground on a safety plan for LO. He matters, too. So do you.
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  13. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    Thank you Elsi, your support is comforting and helps me remember that I’m not alone on this journey!