Hard truth isn’t it? That they’ll receive more care and services while in care than when living with their natural parents. We definitely have a reactive society then proactive. It’s a threat I actually plan to use today while meeting with his mental health worker. Telling her that I cannot take him back. Sometimes, as horribly as this sounds, a hand must be sacrificed to save the body. What kind of mother am I, saying this. I’m positive this guilt will eat me alive one day. You’re definitely right about that unfortunately. I think about how my other children don’t get to be enrolled in extracurricular activities because of B. I can’t leave him home alone and bringing him with me would be out of the question. And I’m lucky if I can convince him to go to the respite workers house. It’s not fair to them. My oldest son is finally joining us in the house. He typically hides in his room because of B. It’s nice to be able to see everyone enjoying life together. It sucks though that it’s because B is gone. B called me several times last night. First call, he was hysterical and begging me to come and pick him up because another boy in the unit was swearing at him for no reason. I just wanted to say “welcome to the club, you do the same thing” but I refrained since now was not the time to discuss that. Would not have done any good anyways, just made him angrier. I told him I’d pick him up on Friday and he banged the phone, called me a then hung up. The second call, an hour later was worse. He told me cut himself and it was all my fault because I wouldn’t pick him up. Hysterical again, telling me to come and get him. Then a switch flipped, he was laughing hysterically telling me he’s never coming home and he hopes he bleeds to death. Starts to swear and hangs up again on me. I called the unit back, I guess he scratched his arms up using a plastic toothpick. He’d live but they were going to get it checked anyways, just to be safe. These phone calls give me so much anxiety. I spent the rest of the night bawling. For multiple reasons, mostly the thought of having to deal with this on an everyday basis when he returns home at the end of the month. My other two will have to witness this. How is this fair to them? How is it fair to B, to sacrifice him for the others. But I’ve been sacrificing the others for him for over 9 years now.