Don't Trust Him

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by BloodiedButUnbowed, Oct 10, 2018 at 4:21 PM.

  1. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I am in need of some insight and advice from you wonderful folks.

    First a brief update. Life has been interesting to say the least. W and I seem to have weathered our current marital storm. Things are not perfect or ideal at this point but we have come to certain understandings that were long overdue and help me to feel better about the overall situation as it exists at this time. I still cannot predict what the future may hold but for now things are feeling much better. I'm grateful.

    Things with both DS and YS have been status quo until very recently. "Status quo" for us means no contact on the part of either son. W texts them both, and neither respond. This is actually a welcome change because previously YS would aggressively berate W. And, in one of the last joint therapy sessions in which she participated, YS was posturing aggressively toward W - physically - and had to be reprimanded by the therapist.

    This brings us to the latest development which frankly has the hair on the back of my neck standing up.

    Recently YS was in some minor trouble at school. A meeting was called and W attended. This was W's first time seeing YS since the springtime months. At the meeting YS and W had some limited interaction which W reported as being neutral.

    All the while W was sending texts, inviting YS out to eat, etc., and receiving no response as per the new normal.

    Then suddenly, a couple of days ago, YS texted W and asked if we were still living in the same town we were in last year (we do not). W told him this information and asked him if he wanted to come over. She received no reply.

    Then YS texted again to request our new address. W once again asked if he wanted to come over and once again received no response. Unfortunately, W did give him our new address.

    It should be noted there has been no talk of reconciliation between YS and W, no outreach from his therapist in recent weeks, and no indication that YS' feelings toward my W were or are thawing. He has been very outspoken and clear in his hatred for her and his desire that she stay out of his life forever, and he has been consistent in this viewpoint for many months now. There have been no joint therapy sessions in months - W backed off after YS told her that he would simply discontinue therapy if she continued to invite herself to his sessions. And he still won't take her calls or answer her texts.

    We are very concerned that YS, perhaps in conjunction with DS, is plotting something terrible. An attack or worse. Perpetrated by him/them, or perhaps someone hired or bribed to do so.

    W and I are of like mind on this. She does not trust his motives and neither do I. They simply don't add up - to go from no contact (wrapped in extreme hatred and contempt), to suddenly wanting to know our home address, with NO in between steps and without any indication he intends to reconcile, is very alarming to us. I only wish W had this realization BEFORE she gave him our new address.

    W reached out to YS' therapists at school and at home. The home therapist has not responded. The school therapist asked W if she feared for her safety and W replied that she did. The school therapist was supposed to talk with YS and contact my wife again before the end of the day. W is working late tonight and I have not received an update.

    Are we overreacting? What would you all do in a similar situation?
     
  2. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Member

    I would be very wary of why he wanted your address with no actual signs of wanting to visit. Do you have an alarm system? If so I would arm it 24\7 for the near future. So sorry you're having to go through this.
     
  3. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    We do have some security features that would prevent him (or any intruder) from being able to easily access our home.
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Ugh

    I think you can get any address on line anyway can't you? I just looked up a friend's address to send her a pizza (husband had surgery) today!

    It does sound creepy though - I agree.

    Not sure WHAT you can do other than what you are already doing!

    Good luck and keep us posted!
     
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I just saw this BBU, I would be alarmed as well.
    Have you heard back from the school therapist or the home therapist?
    I think you're making the right choices. I have no ideas about more that you can do.
    I'm concerned for you and would appreciate an update when you get a chance.
    Prayers for all of you.......
     
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi BBU

    It goes without saying I am so sorry you are experiencing this. But say it, I do.

    I agree with the others. I would be afraid too. Afraid and concerned. As far as the address goes, they are available online. He would have figured that out in time. In that I agree with RN.

    What I would do I am unsure. It is reassuring that you have the security features, and that you contacted the school and therapist. In my state the therapist would be mandated to report to you and to the police if he disclosed intent to harm, and a plan.

    It is very concerning for these children because it is hard to not think that this scapegoating of W for all of the problems in their lives, is being encouraged by their father, whether intentional or not.

    In any event I might think about informing the police and requesting additional patrolling around your house. Given the level of violence and aggression of both children (whether self or other directed) I think the police need to know. I would have something on file in writing. Even a letter of trespass.

    The reality is unless somebody comes along with a genius idea, I can't think of what you would do. Except I would certainly back off if I was W. Clearly any contact at all by her however well-meaning and benign seems to fan the flames.

    I know what I would do. I would get dogs. At least 2. My martial arts teacher has four Staffordshire bull terriers. They are the most loving and darling of dogs but would protect his family in the blink of an eye. They are kissing machines. I love his dogs. His wife is police. Even though they have weapons (which would not be my own choice) he feels that his family's security rests with the dogs. He actually brings the dogs with him most places, at least 2 or 3 of them. I have not asked him about this, but there are four family members and four dogs. I wonder if this is a plan.

    The thing about dogs is that their hearing is so acute they can detect noise from many many yards away, and they know if it is a family member or not. I am hard of hearing. We have 2 dogs and a cat. M is already in the house and opening the bedroom door and I have heard not one thing. If the dogs are not sleepy, they will have gone to the front door 5 minutes before I know anything. If they are sleepy, they stay in their beds. But if it is somebody they do not know they are making a racket no matter how asleep they are. The racket starts with them hearing people that may be 50 or 60' away or more. They detect cars and they detect pedestrians. Even the cat responds. But I feel more secure with the dogs.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2018 at 4:01 PM
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We got a full blown security system because we will be traveling for months at a time. It was much less expensive than we ever thought or we could not have done it. Maybe you should look into it

    When people we know and even love are dangerous, it is best for us AND him for us to prevent a possibly serious crime from happenu g any way we can within our means.

    I feel very safe with our security system.

    Love and light and I am sorry.
     
  8. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am so sorry that you are going through this with your stepsons. It is horrible living in fear. Dogs may be a good idea because even if they just bark they may scare off any intruders. If your stepsons are not aware you have them it may make them think twice. Prayers are with you.
     
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  9. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Thanks for the great advice and well wishes.

    YS has gone dark again, W texts and calls him, and he doesn't pick up or respond to her texts. So clearly his request for our address was not motivated by the desire for a renewed relationship with her.

    We have not heard from him or seen him. I have been alert for unfamiliar vehicles on our street and have not seen any.

    Copa, you make a valid point about the level of violence and aggression that both DS and YS are capable of displatying. W doesn't accept that her children are dangerous. I hope this does not prove to be a fatal mistake on her part.

    I have already decided that I am not going to involve myself in either of my stepsons' lives. I will, however, take necessary steps to protect myself from them (and W, if W is willing). This certainly means not being in their company. W will have to decide for herself what boundaries she needs.

    We did hear from his school therapist who says that YS denied any harmful intent. To the best of my knowledge W has not heard from YS' outside therapist at this point.

    I don't know that YS would admit to any plans.

    It occurred to me that perhaps YS asked for the address on behalf of his father, possibly so father can serve W with some kind of legal paperwork (what kind I do not know). Maybe he wants to extend child support for DS who has now surpassed his 18th birthday. W is no longer paying CS for him. Perhaps father needs the money and is going to try to extract more from W.

    I will continue to keep you posted.
     
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    That is a good point. I know with Adoption Assistance Payments, they can be extended past 18 years of age, until 21, if there is continuing need by the now adult child, presented by disabling conditions. It makes sense that the same concept would be at work with child support, too. I think this is a logical potential explanation.

    But it is a good thing that this prompted you to think about and work through scenarios that are unlikely, but possible. And thereby prepare.
     
  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hey Bbu
    I hope things settle and go quiet for both of you the situation must be so stressful. What in touch and let us know how you make out.
     
  12. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    BBU, I hope you are over reacting. Maybe is is as simple as YS seeing a tv show or having and interaction that made him miss his mother. Maybe he is afraid of being disloyal to custodial parent and is just going to try and catch a glimpse of her without a plan. Think of this..is YS on same phone plan as his dad? does dad monitor YS's text messages via internet, log in to phone account and you can click on individual phone and see the # each text goes to. He can't see the actual text, just who it goes to.

    I need to know more about security plans.