Fourteen months ago after more than 4 years away my son moved back to our town, to live either with us or in a property we are remodeling. We bought it with the idea that some time in the future my son would have somewhere safe to live apart from me. We did not ask him to come home. He showed up. My issue: I feel I have made a bargain with the devil which does not serve my son. Or me. By allowing him to be in a property we control, I have the illusion that he is safe. Having a roof over his head and a sense of security, he has gone back on his antivirals, something important to me. He says he is going to mental health 2 days a week for a group. Not therapy. I think it is case management. A couple of times a week he is helping a friend do gardening, he says. He does have a close friend who he visits with every day. Those are the positives. Our stance all along: that living with us serve his long-term growth as a person, that he have and work towards goals in his functioning. That I am not a homeless shelter or a treatment facility. You have to work at your life with us. The ever-present contradiction: I was the one making the rules and deciding when they were violated. For 2 intervals in the 14 months he has gone to dual diagnosis residential treatment. Each time because I made a demand he did not meet. The first time that he get psychological treatment. The second time about marijuana use, a boundary which he has never accepted. The issue with the marijuana you all know: it saps his motivation and he uses his SSI money in the first 2 weeks of the month and has no money for food. While he lived with us it was better than it had been for many years. He did make an effort. His personality of old seemed to return. Loving. Sweet. He went to work with M every day (remodeling the 2 houses) and was more or less compliant but indifferent. He showed no interest in work and shirked when he could. He used the notion of "work" as an excuse to not do things for his own betterment, and to avoid work he used the abstract idea of needing to do this or that for himself. Eventually we called it for what it was: a theatre, us, the audience. We insisted he begin to do things to improve his life. At home, he never, ever curtailed marijuana use and seemed to mock us, smoking marijuana in the house, in the yard, etc. For 4 months he has lived in the other house with the idea that he do for himself. Decide on a goal and work towards it; deal with medical issues; get psychological treatment; cooperate with a neuropsychological evaluation; do something recreationally. Work with the Department of Rehabilitation. He made steps on some of it. But the minute we were not laying on him every single minute, he let a lot of it go. My son looks like a homeless person. He wears a hoody always. He avoids eye contact. Lately he is hostile and hurtful to me if I try to do anything to support him or to ask him to help me. I had backed away from him for the past 4 weeks, but of late have become concerned because of how he looks and acts. Clearly, he resents my intrusion. But at the same time he wants and seeks our support. He wants to live the life he wants. I get it. That is appropriate. Except, just as clear, without support, he seems unable or unwilling to structure a life for himself, or does not want to. A couple of days ago I told him: Look. You have the absolute right to not work, to not have goals apart from your marijuana. But to do that, go get subsidized housing from the county. You know what the terms are with me. Which is the crux of my issue. Do I have a right to have terms? Does this work? When I lay on him, he does take steps. He went back to Voc Rehab and has an appointment Friday. He says that today he will call for the neuropsychological evaluation. He says he is open to and interested in going to a meditation center or ashram for long-term residential programs. He says he is open to spiritual direction and will make some calls. He did go to Mixed Martial Arts but felt spurned by the other participants but not by the teacher. He IS back on the antiviral which is very important to me. (I do not want him to die!) The key words here: these are things I want. If he does not want them or minimally wants them--who am I kidding? I feel like I am enabling him. But at the same time, I see that to an extent he does follow through in response to these conversations. Again let me underline my fear that he will stop the antivirals should he become homeless again. (Starting and stopping is dangerous.) M is all over the map. He continues to say that he believes J should come back to work for him (and my son wants to, at least at the end of the month when he has no money to eat; we buy lunch every day) because he believes my son's best and only chance is close to us. M also sees that I am less anxious if J is close in. My son likes to be close in with us, too. But M also believes that my son was enabled by others during the 4 years he was away from us, by being offered comfortable and unconditional places to stay for extended periods. M believes that my son has not learned and changed because he has not "suffered" enough. M has also consistently voiced that it is my responsibility to support my son to change. I do not know how to reconcile these views of M. These are my options as I see them: 1. Kick my son out. 2. Let him stay and butt out of his life. Let him live as he wishes. (He is paying a nominal rent, consistent with what he can afford. This gives him a sense of entitlement to do what he wants. He does not let people into where he lives. He is stable and appropriate according to the neighbors, as far as we know.) 3. Keep trying to raise the bar, according to my expectations that he work towards functioning. I am not seeking help with diagnoses either of mental illness or drugs. And I know what my options are for therapy. I am not looking for that either. What I am looking for here is the sense of what makes sense for him, for me and for M. What will work and what is workable. I am looking for clarity about my role, our role, in the life of another adult who really seems not to want to be an adult (at least according to my definition) nor does he want to function as an adult. He will comply to a point but resist. Is this workable? Will it work? The problem is that this is very hard on me. Of late I feel crippled by anxiety and fear for my son and for myself. Do I stay in the game, and to what extent? How do I evaluate what is happening? What are the criteria? Thank you.