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Drawing boundaries and not being ruled by sadness and guilt
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<blockquote data-quote="Beta" data-source="post: 754048" data-attributes="member: 22597"><p>Kris,</p><p>I want to throw in my "welcome" with the rest. I can hear your hurt and sorrow coming through so clearly. It is something we all know very, very well. The words "I am sorry" seem to inadequate, but I am sorry for your hurting Mom's heart. </p><p></p><p>Yep. Same here. We have an adopted, biracial son who turns 30 in a few weeks. He lives in Colorado. He is most likely Bipolar, although he won't admit that he has a problem and seek help. He is now using marijuana and alcohol to medicate himself. But he also is very angry and most of the time is very verbally profane and assaultive. It doesn't matter what we have done or what we do, he blames us for what's wrong with his life. </p><p></p><p>I've only been on this forum for just over a year, but it has been a lifeline for me. Just knowing that we're not alone; that there are other loving, good parents out there who are also experiencing some of the same behaviors from their child (or children) has been such a help so I'm glad you found us. </p><p></p><p>The holidays are hard. It's been three years since our son was with us for Christmas. We invited him to fly out and be with us this year. He reacted with anger and another verbal rant. So that's that. I try to focus on self-care (exercise, healthy eating), doing things that I enjoy during this season such as decorating, baking, etc., and really clinging even closer to God. When I think of our son being hungry, cold, lonely, it's like my heart is being pulled out of my chest, so I remind myself that he can leave his situation any time he chooses as we have told him that we are willing to have him come (although frankly, we're probably out of our minds offering that because he has been verbally threatening to us). I remind myself that being miserable, depressed, and anxious does NOTHING to help him, and only makes my life miserable and puts my mental and physical health at risk. It's a process. That's all I can say. Be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself, and constantly tell yourself the truth: You were a good parent; you did your very best with what you knew and what resources you had at the time. He is an adult, who can and must make his own choices. Allowing yourself to be caught up over and over in his drama and chaos will not help him. </p><p></p><p></p><p>Leafy, your words are so eloquent and so "spot on." I agree: You should be a writer. I'm going to copy and paste some of your posts because they help me understand the "why's" of how I feel and think and they inspire me to continue the process of disentangling and becoming a non-enabler, non-rescuer. Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Beta, post: 754048, member: 22597"] Kris, I want to throw in my "welcome" with the rest. I can hear your hurt and sorrow coming through so clearly. It is something we all know very, very well. The words "I am sorry" seem to inadequate, but I am sorry for your hurting Mom's heart. Yep. Same here. We have an adopted, biracial son who turns 30 in a few weeks. He lives in Colorado. He is most likely Bipolar, although he won't admit that he has a problem and seek help. He is now using marijuana and alcohol to medicate himself. But he also is very angry and most of the time is very verbally profane and assaultive. It doesn't matter what we have done or what we do, he blames us for what's wrong with his life. I've only been on this forum for just over a year, but it has been a lifeline for me. Just knowing that we're not alone; that there are other loving, good parents out there who are also experiencing some of the same behaviors from their child (or children) has been such a help so I'm glad you found us. The holidays are hard. It's been three years since our son was with us for Christmas. We invited him to fly out and be with us this year. He reacted with anger and another verbal rant. So that's that. I try to focus on self-care (exercise, healthy eating), doing things that I enjoy during this season such as decorating, baking, etc., and really clinging even closer to God. When I think of our son being hungry, cold, lonely, it's like my heart is being pulled out of my chest, so I remind myself that he can leave his situation any time he chooses as we have told him that we are willing to have him come (although frankly, we're probably out of our minds offering that because he has been verbally threatening to us). I remind myself that being miserable, depressed, and anxious does NOTHING to help him, and only makes my life miserable and puts my mental and physical health at risk. It's a process. That's all I can say. Be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself, and constantly tell yourself the truth: You were a good parent; you did your very best with what you knew and what resources you had at the time. He is an adult, who can and must make his own choices. Allowing yourself to be caught up over and over in his drama and chaos will not help him. Leafy, your words are so eloquent and so "spot on." I agree: You should be a writer. I'm going to copy and paste some of your posts because they help me understand the "why's" of how I feel and think and they inspire me to continue the process of disentangling and becoming a non-enabler, non-rescuer. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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Drawing boundaries and not being ruled by sadness and guilt
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