extraneous relative issues

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by pigless in VA, Jul 14, 2017.

  1. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Fallout from Lloyd's death included not getting psychological support from my family members. I asked my brother Mark to spend time with Ferb. He did once. Mark is a very busy person with two boys of his own. I didn't expect him to listen to me weeping over the phone for hours, but I did think he could take Ferb under his wing. Ferb has now graduated and as far as I know there has been no acknowledgement from Uncle Mark.

    I am no longer speaking to Mark myself as he was rude and angry to me after I confronted my dad about his dangerous driving. Mark was the one who had all of us to his house for Christmas. It was last minute and we had to reschedule previously made plans to attend. It was nice of Mark to want everyone to come. I asked if Candy could play her viola for my mother who has never had an opportunity to hear her play. He said no. Mark's mother-in-law asked Candy if she were going to play some Christmas carols. Candy told her that Uncle Mark said no.

    All of these interactions and the multiple ugly things Mark has said to me over the past 6 years has made me recognize that he does not want me to be a part of his life. I am okay with that, but I feel said for his two sons. I still send them birthday and Christmas presents. Mark ignores my kids.

    I wanted a relationship with my whole brother's family. They are great people. I understand now that they don't feel the same way.

    The other person who has lately made it clear that I am not a part of her life is my Significant Other's daughter. When we see each other we get along well. The problem is that I no longer see her. I understand this better as she has her inlaws living in her house and her mother lives down the street from her. She has a brother and a sister who work in the family business with her. There is a lot of drama involved. I think she just doesn't have the energy leftover to be on friendly terms with me.

    She is always on Facebook and I had to stop following her when she would list the other grandmothers for her children and leave me out. This happened three times, so I decided it was better not to see her posts if they were going to keep hurting my feelings. The clencher was that my birthday was this week. It took her 5 days to wish me a happy birthday. Her husband sent me a text on the correct day. She has too many "mothers" in her life and I am not that important.

    It hurts because I do kind things for her like allow her to use my farmhouse for a getaway so that she could be alone. We also take her boys up there to give her a kid break.

    I'm learning that sometimes the relationship you want is not what the other person wants. I think more and more that family has very little to do with blood relations. Family are the people who care about you and you know if you need something, they will happily respond.
     
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  2. Blighty

    Blighty Member

    Really sorry to hear you are hurting and lacking support from people who are not inclined to give it to you, for what ever reason that may be. You truely do deserve to be cherished.

    As an observer of 'withdrawals' between relatives or people; I see that the person withdawing is often just doing what it takes for them to get by, because life is a struggle otherwise, or that geographical proximity is an important part of relating to others.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Pigless....i have felt this way for a long time. DNA is just that. I adopted most of my kids.

    If we dont resonate in a positive way with somebody or they dont resonate in a positive way with us, I am okay these days with just letting it go. Often how they feel about us is more about their issues than ours.

    I like the saying "what you think of me is none of my business."

    Family to me is who loves you and whom you love and can be with in a calm and positive way, rather than DNA. I really believe this.

    It is not about how kind you are. Not all people appreciate kindness...they may even twist it into something else. All we can do is our best then let it go.

    I am sorry for Ferb, if indeed a stronger relationship would have helped him. But relationships start at the top usually and are intertwined. If Mark doesnt speak nicely of you, it is normal for the kids to be withheld and to pick up the vibe. I dont know my sisters kids. One married yesterday. It was just another day to me. She doesnt know my kids. When Jumper marries, Sis wont be invited because Jumper doesnt know her. Its okay.

    I am so sorry this saddens you. And I am sorry you dont have the relationship you want with everyone. But I feel your thinking is correct. Have a nice day! :)
     
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    Last edited: Jul 15, 2017
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am truly sorry these people hurt you. They are not worth your time and energy. I would decrease your investment in them. It just doesn't pay to invest yourself in people who are not willing to reciprocate. It isn't a tit for tat accounting, but some form of reciprocation must be there.

    A few years ago I realized this. I stopped chasing people for relationships. Now they can come to me. If not, that is fine. I won't contact many people until they contact me. I have one relative who actually called my mother to whine that I had not called her in months. Gee, each time I called her it took 3 - 6 calls to get her on the phone. She never returned a call, not ever. When she finally would talk to me, the conversation was all her chattering about random strangers she met in the grocery or airport or wherever and the dramas they had in their lives. Never a question about me, or my family, or about my life. Rarely a chance for me to get a word in edgewise or even to hear about her or her husband or even her family. I put up with this nonsense for years. It got tiring and finally enough was enough. I actually interrupted her one call and told her it was my last call. Future calls were up to her, and if she rambled about strangers I would say goodbye. I wanted to hear about her and her family, and talk to her about my life, not spend an hour of my life discussing the marital woes of random strangers she met in the grocery, especially as she lives in another state.

    I had a couple of friends from before we moved who had the attitude that since I moved away, it was always my job to call them. I don't understand that. One actually told me it was a rule, and she was not joking. If you move away, it is your job to always pay for the phone calls and lodging for all trips to come visit you, and for trips you make to visit us. Staying at your house isn't an option, either, it has to be a nice hotel. I told her not to come visit, we were not that good of friends. I didn't ever call her either. I did call some of my friends, but when they NEVER called me, it just felt like I was chasing them to be their friends. Who needs that? I just won't keep chasing you for the privilege. Not even if you are a relative.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susie, for years I blamed myself for any failed relationships. Now I just pretty much tell myself "sometimes two people cant get along, even if neither are horrid." I dont know why I ever made it a bigger deal than that. That is all every relationship is...even mother/daughter.

    Its okay to decide who is good for oneself and to move on.

    The last and final time I tried it with Sis, I really thought we would both try so hard that it would work. And for a while, especially when I was trying to be a good support, it was. But as soon as I was no longer on board with her decision (going back to abuser of six years) and deciding not to listen about this anymore the semi silence and nasty texts started. Now for all I know, she did this for other reasons. I dont know. And I dont care. The only important fact is that for whatever the reason, we have a lifetime of Sis not liking me and cutting me off (i feel to be controlling... maybe I am wrong (shrug)).She even called the police on me at least ten times for reasons that were insane...an email she didnt like etc. I knew personally one of the cops she called. He found her complaints crazy and stopped telling me when she made a complaint unless we saw one another socially. Then he rolled his eyes about her call.

    My husband was always nice to her because he is a nice man. But he always disliked her. The cops, which scared our young kids, really bothered him. Yet she would text him instead of me sometimes when she was angry at me. He hated that. Didnt always tell me either.

    So finally I am done. So is hub. We both blocked her from our phones and I stopped checking to see if she is lying and telling people on some forum I am bordetline. I dont care what she does. Or writes.

    "What you think of me is none of my business."

    After a lifetime ofl longing, it is over and she has no way of trying to sneak back. Ways of communication are cut off to her. No contact. I am done. In the past, I felt bad and missed her. I dont. I wonder why I ever longed for her approval.

    I will see my sis and sweet kind brother once more...at a sad event...the death of my father, when it happens. And then it will be 100% over. A lifetime of my sister hurting me, calling the cops, causing guilt...that will be over for good. I will be kind and stoic there and grieve... with my husband for support. No questions answered. Like strangers.

    We will drive up for the sad event then drive right back. Although I love both my brother and sister, I can live without my DNA family. And I will.

    That will be the last day.

    Sometimes the up/down games and drama need to end, even.if you love people. I do love her and pray for her.

    Sorry for the long vent.

    Be free of those who pull you down. Let go and let God.
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2017
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    At an "older" age in a certain way I'm just now learning to cope with extended family since we just moved to the same city. Previously we just came in for holidays. So, I don't have a ton of experience ...but sympathize/empathize.

    First thing I did (was planning on doing it anyway) was go less often on FB. But then recently, took FB off my phone. Loving it! It's inconvenient for me to get on FB. So, I go maybe once or twice a day tops and I go briefly!! I only personally post major events and it might include one, maybe two photos ...tops. And these are rare posts because I'm only posting rather significant things. I might save a recipe or something cute here and there. It's inconvenient for me to check out other people's pages so I don't. I texted a few CLOSE people and said I'm greatly reducing my time on FB. Please let me know if you post something like a major announcement because I could be very delayed in seeing it or even miss it.

    Very generally I'm starting to learn its probably best with family:
    1. Be polite
    2. Not expect much
    3. Not take things personally
    4. Avoid gossip

    Of course if someone is abusive, you'll need to speak up and possibly avoid them.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nomad, good advice.

    Truth is, we are often more compatible outside our family of origin because we choose our spouse and friends. Many people are closer and able to share more with these chosen folks than our DNA collection. We are kind of given them, not based on a good fit.

    I found unconditional love, aside from grandmother, with two close friends and my husband.

    I moved away from DNA family.

    Good luck interacting with your family of origin, Nomad. I wish you well. Sounds like you have a good plan.

    I believe age is wisdom :)
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susie, unreal about those silly rules on who calls who first.

    I have my own rule now. If you make it too difficult to get along with you, I wont try. Too tired to do difficult relationships.
     
  9. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Simple and true.

    Susie, one of the reasons I am moving away is that I don't have anyone in town to socialize with. I have relatives but never see them. I have a few friends but never see them either. I've never liked living here, it's time to try to build a life somewhere else.

    SWOT, I haven't mentioned this before but I had two close friends in town when Lloyd was ill. One, Pam, had been my friend for over 30 years. The other, Macie, had been my friend for about 10 years. Both of them have bipolar. I introduced them, they became good buddies and moved in together. Macie and I had a falling out when she drunk dialed me in the middle of the night. I became angry and asked them never to do that again. Macie couldn't handle my boundary. Pam and I still talked often. She was instrumental in helping me to survive Lloyd's psychosis. I couldn't have coped without her.

    Unfortunately, a few months after Lloyd died, Pam became psychotic. I went over to their house and attempted along with Macie to get Pam to go see her psychiatrist. She was paranoid and hallucinating. I did what I could but it was ineffective. That visit sent me into major PTSD. I couldn't cope. I knew the only thing I could do was to stop contact with them. It's horrible, but I just could not be close with them anymore. I still love them and wish them well, but I could not continue to be that close supportive friend that I once was.

    They were as close as sisters to me and I have been unable to find new best friends. Maybe I will have better luck in the new county. Until then, you guys are stuck with me.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh...pigless! We are so happy to have you!

    I have bad feelings about my entire family of origin, except for grandmother and brother, who is a good person. The family, the extent of those i knew, was small in number with big, negative personalities and they didnt like me. And it isnt like I didnt get along with others outside of family. I did.

    Pig, I understand certain people triggering PTSD. You have to do what is right for you. I am sorry it came to that. My BFF died at age 50 of cancer. She was like a sister is supposed to be...we shared so much. Once she gave me a place to stay. I directed her through the adoption process...she did not know she could adopt any children because she had four boys...so she felt her dream of having a daughter could never come true as she had a hysterectomy. She thought you had to be childless or only have one child to adopt. She ended up adopting two daughters. This bonded us closely. We were a lot alike in almost every way. We spent hours talking in her kitchen with coffee while kids came and went. The memory brings me to tears.

    We shared everything. We never had one fight. I could never replace her and miss her every day.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2017
  11. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    I had a special relationship with my grandmother, too, SWOT. I think it's great that you had such a special friend. I've had a few, too, who showed me how relationships could last and work. We're still friends but when people move away you tend not to see them again. Stinks. And, of course, you cannot see your special friend again. I'm so sorry. How wonderful that she adopted two daughters! I hope you still talk to her children.

    :hugs:
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you, pigless. I am FB friends with two of the kids. They are in another state...havent seen them in person for a while. The oldest boy is unmarried, but he adopted an adorable baby boy from an Asian country. So the legacy of adoption lives on. I would love to talk to her husband, but he isnt on FB. They were a very close, loving couple and we went there often and for most holidays...miss them. Their marriage reminded me of mine...
     
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Wow! So MANY parallels! When we lived in the other state I had 2 best friends who were close as sisters. We have lost touch but if I reached out and could stay in touch, or lived near them, we would be close again.

    When we moved I made a few friends. One close friend, A, ended the relationship because I revealed to her husband that she was being treated by a psychiatrist for delusions. He often left the state/country for extended periods of time, leaving her home with their two children under the age of 5. I had just discovered that her delusions had become dangerous. A year before she asked me to promise that if they got to certain points then I would tell her husband. They met those points, so I did. Of course she was furious, and refused to speak with me ever again. I sort of was prepared for that. I even told her that she would probably hate me if I did that, as she would see me telling her husband as taking his side. She said that her sons needed me to do it because if she was that sick then they needed to be protected from her. She was right. Her husband had no clue she had ever even seen a psychiatrist, much less taken any medication for a mental illness. I knew him years, decades, before I knew her, and I hated to give him such awful news.

    It is hard to open up to new relationships again. I have an especially hard time because with so many migraines I often have to cancel and people don't understand. They think I am faking it. Until recently I had 27 migraine days each and every single month. I take 3 different medications to prevent them and I still take the max allowed doses of migraine medications each month - 12. It is hard to plan to do something with someone when you don't know if your head will explode or not.

    I will stick with y'all online. Plus you understand my kids. No one here d
     
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Wow! So MANY parallels! When we lived in the other state I had 2 best friends who were close as sisters. We have lost touch but if I reached out and could stay in touch, or lived near them, we would be close again.

    When we moved I made a few friends. One close friend, A, ended the relationship because I revealed to her husband that she was being treated by a psychiatrist for delusions. He often left the state/country for extended periods of time, leaving her home with their two children under the age of 5. I had just discovered that her delusions had become dangerous. A year before she asked me to promise that if they got to certain points then I would tell her husband. They met those points, so I did. Of course she was furious, and refused to speak with me ever again. I sort of was prepared for that. I even told her that she would probably hate me if I did that, as she would see me telling her husband as taking his side. She said that her sons needed me to do it because if she was that sick then they needed to be protected from her. She was right. Her husband had no clue she had ever even seen a psychiatrist, much less taken any medication for a mental illness. I knew him years, decades, before I knew her, and I hated to give him such awful news.

    It is hard to open up to new relationships again. I have an especially hard time because with so many migraines I often have to cancel and people don't understand. They think I am faking it. Until recently I had 27 migraine days each and every single month. I take 3 different medications to prevent them and I still take the max allowed doses of migraine medications each month - 12. It is hard to plan to do something with someone when you don't know if your head will explode or not.

    I will stick with y'all online. Plus you understand my kids. Though I will say that people here enjoy my kids. Wiz' coworkers adore him. He makes the days go by real fast because they never ever know what is going to come out of his mouth. He is great with customers, even though does like to challenge the standard Bible Belt mindset around here. He feels someone should stand up for the atheists. And the Cthuluists.
     
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susie, you know WE love ya ;)
     
  16. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost Active Member

    So very sorry you are in this situation with family. I agree I have 9 siblings and many are disfunctionl alcoholic and substance abusers. I do not disown them but I limit there access to me for good reason. It is lonely without family. My husbands family are lovely bar his sister who isolates herself. But they are in U.K. We have no family to lean on we are truly on our own. I have a handful of close friends and they do more than family ever could. Stay strong find someone who can give back. You deserve it!
     
  17. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    susiestar, sorry about the migraines. I get them too, although fewer now that I've gone through menopause.

    I walked in to an art class with some kids last year and had to leave immediately. Someone had plugged in a vanilla air "freshener" in that room. It stank to high heaven. I told the teacher that the last time I was exposed to that, I had 3 day migraine. I went to a different room and swapped jobs with another aide that day. Understanding coworkers rock.