Extremely jealous 10 year old girl

[Rose_petals33]

I’m new to this forum but I really need some ideas or advice about a child that has been in my care for the last few years. I’ll give you some of the history first. I got her when she was 6 and she is getting ready to turn 10. Unfortunately her parents are both on drugs and in and out of jail so before I got her she had been bounced around homes. My fiancé is her grandfather and I have known this little girl since birth. I also have two kids of my own which are ages 10 and 7. They have all been pretty much raised together but it’s been a long hard road. The little girls father has ADHD and I am starting to suspect the little girl does too since her teachers have all expressed their concerns to me about it so I made her an appointment with a therapist but it will be almost a month before I can get her in. The biggest problem I am facing is jealousy. I don’t mean the normal kind of jealousy, I mean extreme jealousy that has taken over her life. 50/75% of everything she says and does on a daily basis comes from a place of jealousy. I have tried to spend extra time with her and show her that I love her but it seems like nothing I do even makes a dent in how she feels. An example is that I catch her destroying my daughters things a lot like jumping up and down on my daughters iPad trying to break it. I always buy them the same things so she has an iPad of her own so that’s not the problem. She hides my kids things too. She is extremely intelligent for her age but she is also really manipulative so she tries to set my kids up to get in trouble almost on a daily basis. My daughter really looks up to her but the little girl has so much going on inside of her that she takes it out on my daughter. I hear her all the time when she thinks I’m not listening, telling my daughter how ugly and stupid she is. She is constantly putting her down and making her feel awful about herself. This has really started taking a toll on my daughters self confidence. she has also started lying a lot. She tells a Lot of stories that are not true and almost everything I ask her she lies about even if it’s something she knows I will find out about such as did u clean ur room. Another example of how sensitive and jealous she can be is yesterday her friend was called out of class because she is a cheerleader and they were having some kind of meeting. She started crying uncontrollably in class when her friend left, and she had to go to the office and talk to their counselor for over an hour. I have tried to get her to participate in cheerleading before but she said it was stupid and she would never do something like that. When she came home that evening she was talking about the cheerleaders and how much she hated them and she was getting so upset talking about it my heart just broke. These outbursts have started becoming more common and I know she has been through a lot but I’m struggling with what to do next. I don’t want to see her hurt but I’m feeling frustrated inside. She is starting to take it out on me and say hurtful things to me also. For example she has been getting into makeup artistry lately and she makes it a point to wait until people are around and tell me how bad my makeup looks and laugh at me. It hurts me that she is disrespecting me in such a way that she is constantly trying to embarrass me in front of other people. Another thing she has started doing is looking up facts on the computer and coming to me or the kids and asking these hard questions that she knows no one will know and then she will say hurtful things like we are stupid for not knowing the answer and I know and understand why she does it but it really bothers my kids that she does things like that and it’s really affecting their self confidence. It’s almost to the point that I dread when she walks in the room because I know she is about to say or do something hurtful. I talk to her almost everyday about her behavior and her feelings but I’m just not getting anywhere. She has so much hurt inside and no self esteem so she tries to rip everyone else’s self esteem away too. Any advice or a fresh outlook on the situation would help me more than words could explain. I’m just really tired and frustrated and since my fiancé works out of state during the week I’m on my own most of the time. Thanks and sorry this was so long! I just want to help her feel normal and loved!

 

[ksm]

This child, and your immediate family, needs professional help. If her early life was chaotic, it's going to affect yet. If her mom used drugs or alcohol during the pregnancy, it's going to affect her, and, the family genetics...is going to affect her.

In the mean time, I would try to get her involved in activities that she can do to feel good about herself. Check your area and see what's available. Gymnastics, dance, swim, voice lessons, play an instrument, art... One thing that the other children aren't involved in. They need a break from her too!

I am sure others will post more ideas soon. But check with her pediatrician about getting appointments with the appropriate professional. Many say a child neuropsychologist is best.

Ksm

 

[Rose_petals33]

Yes I will try to find something that she can do by herself. She’s very artistic and loves to sing and draw so that’s a great idea. As for the dr I just recently got the legal authority to make decisions for her so I already made her an appointment. Her immediate family did not want to take her to a therapist because they are very old school and don’t believe in it. They assumed they were going to dope her up on medicine and it has always been really hard to make them understand that she just needs someone to talk to. After the outburst at school they finally see that she is really struggling so hopefully they jump on board with it and choose to help the situation rather than avoid it. Now that I have the authority to take her, I plan on getting all the help I can from doctors. Thank you for the advice!

 

[BusynMember]

This child had very unstable early years, such as most adopted children who are in the system. She was not cared for properly for years and years. We adopted a boy like her.

First of all she needs to see a neuo psychologist (a psychologist with training in the brain) to evaluate her to see if she is affected by prenatal drug or alcohol use. This changes the brain. It is necessary of you want to know how to best help her and have realistic expectations of her. A therapist or pediatrician or even a psychiatrist is not best for this sort of testing.

2. Our love does not cure our kids who were mistreated early on. Yes, we thought it did too bit it doesn't. Most likely this child has insecure attachment to full attachment disorder. I urge you to research this.perhaps read Nancy Thomas books. She understands and also has suggestions. Look up attachment disorder on the internet...all you can find.

This child shows strong signs of this inability to bond normally. Then find an attachment Psychologist. Home remedies don't help this. It goes very deep snd can last forever if you don't address it and sometimes even if you do. But do your best. This is about her horrible neglect/abuse way before she even met you, but you can't heal her alone. You can not give her back those early years or love her well enough to make those years go away. Yes, I thought we could too.

Why are you surprised that she is angry at your kids who always had love? It is very logical to her.

I strongly urge you to take both suggestions seriously and to believe there is no easy fix or that her infancy until you got her will disappear if you just love her enough. Our child got so dangerous we had to make him leave. That may not happen to this child but you owe her professional intervention and to acknowledge that she can not nor will not behave toward anyone/anything like your children. A child's first three years are crucial to well being.

If you know Mom drank and did drugs while pregnant than get her in ASAP for an evaluation. Adoption agencies usually know the psychologists who know how to do therapy with children who had early neglect and trauma. Call one to find out where to go for that.

I am sorry. This won't be fast or easy or something you can do alone. Nor is it simple jealousy. Although jealousy is probably part of it but the bigger picture is the early neglect or abuse or both of herself. And inner anger that is intense. An infant who can't count on somebody to care for her changes....

If this is affecting your other kids that is not good or fair.

Her family can't care for her? None of them? Does she see them at all? She could move on to hurting your kids, your pets (our child killed our dog), setting fires, pooping all over....the nonstop lying and destruction are parts of attachment problems. Her family is old school? Not taking care of an infant is old school? I think they are just afraid of what you may learn. If this were me I would ask for full guardianship to make all decisions about her or I wouldn't do it. If they still want to control her, let them raise her. Makes no sense. You can't help her to the max if they are sniffing over your shoulder being obstructive.

Love and light.

 

[Rose_petals33]

I knew it ran much deeper than jealousy but I was hoping if I described what she was doing that someone would be able to identify and I’m glad I found someone who went through it also. I also understand why she is so angry at my kids but I would love to find some ideas to lessen the effect it’s having on them as well as ideas to just make the little girl’s day a little brighter. I know there are no easy answers but hearing other people’s stories make it a little easier. Also, her mother was not on drugs at the time she was pregnant. She was a junior in high school when she became pregnant and the drug use didn’t start until after high school, but the little girl’s dad has adhd and a drug problem, which has been another ongoing battle we are dealing with. I see signs of adhd in her such as not being able to sit still and her last 2 teachers have said that she has trouble paying attention, but I know given her history that it could also mimic adhd. I will get her an appointment with a neuropsychologist asap and research attachment disorder. This has been a huge help so thank you so much!

 

[BusynMember]

Well, early lack of nurturing can cause her behavior. To me it sounds well beyond ADHD. Be sure to read up on attachment disorders. That's what it sounds like to me. And it makes sense.

Good luck!

 

[Rose_petals33]

Thank you