Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Teriobe, Jun 15, 2017.

  1. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    I can feel myself falling into depression. With son going back to prison 2x with an affectionless husband, with no one to talk to about my son, or asking how i am dealing with it, which they never asked before the first prison term 4yrs. I am soo angry and bitter. I hate everyone. I did couseling for 10plus yrs and medication. Then in 2015 i got fed up with the 80lb weight gain from medications that i started to wein off. Took a long time, but im finally off all medications 2 wks ago. I feel the same now as i did when on medications my life wasnt going the way i want. My sons drug use, prison husband affectionless. Its like i cant take it anymore. Ive been holding it together but cant anymore. The wrong person was in couseling all these years should be been my son with his drug use and husbands lack of everything. Husband buys me stuff instead when all i need is a hug but rejects me so i have stopped. Married 35yrs. The wrong person took medications too they shouldve. Of course i think nothing will change son will continue with drugs and in out prison and i will continue to be in affectionless marriage. Since 2013. I dont want to go to couseling or medications again. Its like banging my head on a wall. My granddaughter comes for month of july, but its sad cuz my sons missing it. But mad cuz he screwed it up. My friends list gets shorter because no one bothers to call me, i also initiate so i stopped. If i dont hear from them in 3 months i cross them off my list. Soo pissed my life sucks
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Do you have a vision of what you want your life to be? Whatever that vision is sit down and write all the steps it would take to get there. Then begin with item 1 and start knocking them out. Your husband may never change. Your son may never change. You have the ability to change yourself. Just a thought........do with it what you want.
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  3. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I am so sad to hear how you are feeling. Hang in there. Tomorrow is another day, it may be a better day. The theme we hear through these forums is the pain we are feeling caused by the behavior of others. This is followed closely by, they are them and we are us. We do not need to allow them to drag us down with them. So, please, if you do nothing else today, just as someone has said above, write a list of everything YOU need. Start putting you first as no one else will do that. Every time a negative thought comes into your head say "STOP" and push it away and re think the steps you need to make for yourself.
    Re-build you, the bit you can change and keep posting here, I really believe people care here. You are not alone. Hugs xxxx
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  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I agree with the others. You have to do what you need to do to make yourself feel better.

    If therapy and medications do not work for you then you have to find something that does.

    We are all responsible for our own happiness and sometimes it's harder for some than others and sometimes we go through tough times that we can barely pull ourselves out of.

    Do what it is that you need to do to find YOUR happiness.
  5. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    I can hear the pain in your post, how you feel overwhelmed. Do something for YOU today. You can only do what you can do.
  6. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Perhaps a solo road trip might be in order for a couple of days to get away from it all and reconnect with yourself. It may help with your perspective. Just a though and hugs. We know how painful this is.
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry Teriobe, feeling the way you do is a hard place to be. I've been in your shoes, the sense of being stuck is tough. The situation with your son and your husband is sad, it's easy to see why you feel angry.

    It doesn't sound as if therapy is an option for you at this point, but perhaps a group of some kind, a place where you can receive the support you need and deserve. Many folks here benefit from Al Anon, Narc Anon, Families Anonymous and Codependents Anonymous. If there is mental illness involved with your son, you might give NAMI a call, they have excellent courses for us parents and resources you may find helpful.

    For me, it was a step by step process of recovery. Small doable steps. Attend a meeting. Eat nutritious food. Sleep 8 hours a night. Get exercise daily. Statistics show that even a 15 minute walk can change brain chemistry. Meditate or find quiet time for yourself. There are guided visualizations on YouTube you can access and listen to with earphones. They have good ones for sadness, depression, anxiety, anger, etc.

    Small changes done regularly will have big results if you keep at it. After emotional onslaughts where we''ve been "beat up" by life, we're left bereft, vulnerable and depleted. It takes a bit of work on our part to recover from those onslaughts.....however, one step at a time, each day, will bring you back to your center at some future point where you can begin to make the changes necessary in your life which will help you to thrive.

    Hang in there Teriobe, you're in a crummy place now, but it can and will get better. Please get yourself some form of support and do something nurturing and kind for yourself today, now. It's easy to forget our worth, our value when we are confronted with so much stress and heartache.......you have the power to change your life......start today.

    Sending you HUGS and warm wishes for you for peace and joy.
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    Last edited: Jun 16, 2017
  8. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    So i made an appointment with a counselor. Once again i am the one going instead of the people who need to be going. My drug addict son and affectionless husband. Im so angry i feel like i am going to start foaming from the mouth. Angry i have to go thru this crap again and again and alone. My trips to co and oh were nice break from reality but now im back and my reality sucks. I hate my life and hope i dont wake up in the morning.
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    No. You are the one in distress and the one who should be going. The others are not in distress nor do they have trouble detaching. You are the one who is miserable. Yourr husband is coping, even if you wish he was more upset. He shouldnt be. You shouldnt be. Maybe your son is ruining your relationship with your husband. Maybe hub just wants to move on, knowing he cant help his son...and you are not in that place yet.

    I am glad you sought out help.
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2017
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hear you Teriobe. I've been surrounded by mental illness all my life and yet I am the one whose had the most therapy, the most professional help.

    I sought that help to learn how to cope, how to accept what I couldn't change, how to figure out what I really wanted, what I was willing to do without resentment, what I was NOT willing to do, where I wanted to be, how to get to where I wanted to be, how to respect myself enough to make very difficult choices, how to let go of people, beliefs and perceptions that no longer served me, how to take care of my needs and desires as the first priority, how to take better care of myself in mind, body &, spirit, how to communicate my needs and desires to those I love, how to stop the relentless worry, how to let go of the debilitating sorrow and anger, how to let go of perfectionism and codependency and how to accept myself as I am and love myself no matter what.

    I understand your anger. You have every right to feel that anger. Use it to propel yourself out of the stuck place you're in.

    I too am glad you sought help. Good for you.
  11. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    I'm sorry you are not feeling well. Your post sounds a bit bitter, and that is a stage we have all been through. It’s not a good place to stay. We are all at different points in our journeys and some may not be receptive to all ideas. I can only share my perspective and what I have found to bring results when I find myself slipping into a low dip.

    A few pointers I keep in mind:

    · Be thankful. Find / list / practice continual awareness of things you can be thankful for. Think on these things. Think on them a lot. I read somewhere, if you have a thankfulness mind-set, you cannot be depressed at the same time. (there’s something every minute for which to give thanks – Here’s 5 simple things now > a hot cup of coffee, face moisturizer, eyeglasses I need to see, five fingers on each hand, soap. This sounds very elementary, but such thankfulness is basic … many do not have these simple things.

    · Keep busy. Do what needs to be done, whatever, wherever…. There is always something to be done! Here’s 5 simple things > wash dishes, sweep the driveway, fold the clothes, pack lunch for work, gather all the trash cans. Walk to the store. Whew! Now I need a short rest – to be thankful that I have things to do. … many cannot do these things.

    · If you think you have nothing to do, find something to do. If it is not important, then make it important! Make it important by giving outside of yourself, to where it is important and needed. What’s your fancy? Get involved… Here’s 5 things > Bake a pan of treats, wrap some up and wait to give some to the mailman or the garbage truck guys. (Maybe no one has even given brownies to the garbage man). Take an apple to a neighbor and visit for 10 minutes (not to tell about your problems, but just to say you wanted to visit or meet them and ask how they’ve been.... then walk on to the next neighbor) Look for volunteer opportunities to read to blind / old folks in a nursing home, or make sandwiches for “meals on wheels”, rock babies in a hospital nursery, or to tutor early reading after school, etc. -

    · Give, give. Do it to keep thankful. I personally have to keep thankful to realize that life is NOT about me! It is about what I can give and do to bring blessing to others. And if the folks around me (e.g. spouse, difficult child, neighbor, co-worker, even my sweet grandkids etc.) are not receptive to what I can and want to give, then I have to find someone or somewhere else to give it. The more you give out is returned back , and it works both ways. – If you are giving out sucky stuff, then maybe that is what returns back. If you decide to have heart to give with gladness, then that gladness is what should return. It goes back to that old saying “Laugh and the world laughs with you – cry and you cry alone.”

    All the simple examples I'm giving are just the type of things that come to my mind to get started, because of who I am. You likely have other ideas that appeal more to your personality that can allow you to give in your unique and personal way to make an important impact on others, and in turn come back to you. Even the posting of encouragement to others on this site is a way to give.

    I hope this perspective does not sound so harsh. It is not my intention, but I share it, because it is what I always must tell myself - that the only one who can get me going is myself. And it does take effort (sometimes a lot!) so, I often must push myself to get up and just do something – anything - to get going, and make it important in some way (even if it’s important to just clean out a corner of my closet)

    This is not easy stuff, as we all know here! We need to start small, one thing at a time, one day at a time. It’s not that it gets any easier, but it becomes a habit and that can be good for us. Do take care, Teriobe. We are all in this together. I encourage you to give some of the ideas a try – And be thankful that "you are going to be alright."
  12. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I am sorry that you are in this bad place. However I agree that you need to use this anger to move yourself forward. You cant change anyone...all you can do is change your reaction to them. Please be kinder to yourself. Maybe you need to be alone for a while with yourself. You will be alright.
  13. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    So sorry about what you are going through. I know you have been going through a hard time because of your son and family not giving you the support you need. Are you in a church? Sunday school could be a good support group for you. They have to listen to your troubles at Sunday school because that is kind of an unwritten rule! Keep trying to persuade your husband to join you in counseling. Try doing some needle work or taking a knitting class. It's good to keep the hands busy. Hobbies are always good, but there is just something about keeping the hands busy with crafts. It seems to be more helpful than just any old hobby.
  14. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Thanks everyone for your help