Feedback needed: My Ex-mother in law emailed me

Background for those of you that don't know. I have a 25-year-old son that is currently in Florida with his dad but he keeps getting kicked out of places that he is staying. We know that he smokes marijuana and dabbles a little in other drugs but we don't know if he has a drug issue, a mental problem or both. We think it is mental brought on by marijuana possibly. He has been in his dad's area for 12 weeks and they definitely want him gone. He is someone open to get in counseling but I can never get it off the ground for him recently. He adamantly refuses that there are any drugs other than marijuana. My ex-mother in law just emailed me. I want feedback from this group:

Dear (my name) and (my husband step dad),

After much discussion, it appears the best approach to dealing with (my son's name), would be for you both to decide what you will do for (my son's name).

It is apparent that there is a drug issue. The optimum, in our opinion, would be for him to enter a residential drug treatment program in (our state). While we know this is a difficult decision for any parent to do, it will be the only way he will be saved. In (your state) because he has the family support system.

Once you secure a spot, we’d make sure he was on a plane home. You would pick him up from the airport and take him directly to rehab. No discussion.
------ end of note

Feedback?
 

Newksm

Member
Ask ExMIL to attend some NarAnon meetings. I wish getting an adult child help was as easy as getting them on a plane and dropping them off somewhere. It doesn't work like that. Unless he is a threat to others and himself, you can't force someone to stay in rehab...or take medication, or stop using drugs.

I would suggest that mother in law find a rehab in FL...and try to work her plan there.

Sorry you have to deal with these people!
 
Ask ExMIL to attend some NarAnon meetings. I wish getting an adult child help was as easy as getting them on a plane and dropping them off somewhere. It doesn't work like that. Unless he is a threat to others and himself, you can't force someone to stay in rehab...or take medication, or stop using drugs.

I would suggest that mother in law find a rehab in FL...and try to work her plan there.

Sorry you have to deal with these people!
Thank you for your response. I am so mad, sick and upset. I'm literally sick to my stomach. I've been doing so good on myself lately. Just to clarify - the worry for my son never completely leaves. It simmers in an undercurrent that bubbles up several times a day. My husband and I hash out the issue at least once a day but we try not to think obsess over it as we will end up in the hospital ourselves. We both have physical ailments related to this overwhelming stress.

I wish I could bring my son back into our home. The last time he was here it got physical a couple of times. I cannot risk that again. I have a daughter to think about.

I'm furious about this email bc I took full custody of my son as he grew up due to his dad's alcoholism and irresponsibility. They flitted in and out a few times a year. While my son was in high school, he was team captain and all conference in sports, went to private school, did very well, started an aerospace club, was well spoken - of course then they wanted to be associated with his successes. Now oh he needs to go.

They have not seen him once in the 12 weeks he has been in Florida. I understand that (I think??) but they've done nothing to help except email me to tell me to bring him back to my state. This woman is the queen of enablers. She still pays rent for my ex and he is 54.

I'm really annoyed as last night was a huge formal fundraising performance for my daughter's school. My ex knew about it and my son knew about it. I said we have this important event so don't text me or call me as my phone will be on silent. It is hard enough to face the 100 other moms with a smile on my face knowing my son is either mentally ill, has a drug issue or could be homeless tonight . I have to use all of my energy to be ME. Then if course the battle ax drops me this email right before the event. My husband said it is clear she just wants to get rid of our son - she doesn't truly care about his well being.

But I wanted to put it on this board to get feedback. Maybe my judgment is clouded, maybe I'm wrong. If I am, I will humbly listen.

This is the worst situation I have ever experienced-even my mother's passing, divorce, my own cancer diagnosis.

Thank you for letting me vent. I need to find a mountaintop to scream from right now. I apologize for dumping this here as it feels so unattractive but I need guidance from experienced moms. Should I press the rehab issue, is he doing hard drugs, will rehab work, am I setting myself up for more failure???
 

Newksm

Member
Vent all you want here. Sometimes it is the only thing we can do. It's not healthy to wrap yourself entirely in to the situation, but writing things down and releasing it into the universe can make things less heavy.

Hugs. Newksm
 

Not Unique

New Member
Background for those of you that don't know. I have a 25-year-old son that is currently in Florida with his dad but he keeps getting kicked out of places that he is staying. We know that he smokes marijuana and dabbles a little in other drugs but we don't know if he has a drug issue, a mental problem or both. We think it is mental brought on by marijuana possibly. He has been in his dad's area for 12 weeks and they definitely want him gone. He is someone open to get in counseling but I can never get it off the ground for him recently. He adamantly refuses that there are any drugs other than marijuana. My ex-mother in law just emailed me. I want feedback from this group:

Dear (my name) and (my husband step dad),

After much discussion, it appears the best approach to dealing with (my son's name), would be for you both to decide what you will do for (my son's name).

It is apparent that there is a drug issue. The optimum, in our opinion, would be for him to enter a residential drug treatment program in (our state). While we know this is a difficult decision for any parent to do, it will be the only way he will be saved. In (your state) because he has the family support system.

Once you secure a spot, we’d make sure he was on a plane home. You would pick him up from the airport and take him directly to rehab. No discussion.
------ end of note

Feedback?
Hi I am totally feeling everything you are feeling, right now. One of the biggest reliefs about my son’s situation is that he is halfway across the country from me. That makes me feel guilty in so many ways, but I believe that was God doing for me what I could not do for myself. Bringing your son closer to your area is really not going to change anything except your stress level. I just want to tell you that Florida is considered a recovery Mecca. They have an incredible amount of recovery treatment centers and a lot of sober living environments. The bottom line is this, recovery is not for those who need it is for those who want it. Unless and until he is willing to accept that he needs help it is completely out of anyone else’s hands. Stay in the day, my friend. It really is all we have.🥰
 
Wow. What a piece of work. I agree that mother in law should source out a rehab in Florida and try to work her magic. Good luck with that. In the meantime be kind to yourselves. This is your sons issue to sort out. When he is ready he will. You really don’t have control over this. For your health and sanity love yourself enough to let him go. I don’t mean no contact. I do mean in a kind sense to step out of his way. It’s almost like our own anguish gives them the fuel to continue acting out. Hugs!
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I have been in NA for several years (groups for parents of addicts). We can learn how to best care for ourselves because we can not fix our addict. I can give you a few ideas that totally changed how my husband and I got sane after the insanity of "helping" Kay. Hope maybe something resonates!

1. Go to NA yourself.

2. See a private therapist too or instead of NA. We do both. We learned how to take our lives back from ruminating over Kay.

Our addicts do what they want to do. They don't do what WE want them to do. They walk their own often destructive paths and get help only if they want to. And relapse is common. We have NO obligation to house our grown kids, many who are verbally abusive, a danger to us, thieves (addicts steal) and they usually don't get better just because we give them living space. They manipulate us and whine....this is how adult addicts get us to enable them. To enable, if I understand it right, is doing for them what they can do for themselves, like trying to force them to get help or giving them money when they wont work. They stay children and often hurt us and they have no reason to decide to get better if we make it easy for them to abuse drugs or not get help for mental illness. They often make and break promises, lie to us, take our cars and total them, make up hardships to get money. I heard "if you dint give me $2000 this dealer is going to kill me. Send me the money...it's life or death." I heard "I am so cold. I need a good coat. The ones at the thrift shops are all crappy." She was sent a coat that cost us over $2OO and later admitted she sold it for drugs. Yada, yada, yada.

There is no benefit to them when WE kill ourselves with worry and grief over their choices. And there is nothing in it for us. It took me 10 years to figure this out and NarAnon helped me so much. I learned to do the things I enjoyed again and I don't worry about my daughter that much anymore. My husband as well. Kay almost caused a divorce and estrangement from our other two kids. We are at peace now but we had to learn how to do everything differently when it came to Kay.

3) You ex and ex mother in law and ex aunts and ex or not ex.cousins have unproven opinions, often that it's our faults. They tell us what to do. They shame us.

You have the right to stop talking to anyone who does this. I cut many toxic people out of my life. Some were family. I have to take care of myself, not make things more highly dramatic. Nobody will take care of my needs as well as I can...I have to do it.

Our disturbed kids won't help us. We have to learn how to make our home a safe haven. We need to stop engaging in drama, including the drama our grown kids try to bring to us. Our money train to Kay cost us a fortune. We closed the bank. Now she won't talk to us. She was gifted an old OLD motorhome and drove her abusive husband and herself to the coast. They have no driver's licenses...but who cares, right? Laws don't apply to them. Anyhow now they live far away in the motorhome....other side of the country.

The silence has been deafening. The silence has been healing. She left her young son with my other daughter. She is in the process of adopting him, thank God. So we do have him. He has autism but is doing better in a stable home. He does miss Daddy and Mommy but they don't even call him. He has adjusted to living with his aunt and his really nice cousins. He smiles more and is getting special education.

Now this next idea of mine was hard for me to accept but I finally do.I have a big family. Nobody wanted to help us take care of Kay. I think they were afraid of her. So after we paid for ten years of housing her in different places, now she is homeless. She got SSDI and food share and Medicaid and lives in the broken down motorhome on the streets with crazy husband. They have applied for Section 8, but theres a long waiting list. Plus she and her husband fight so loudly and often and even in the hallways...they always get evicted. We have spent a fortune.

Nobody, including your ex inlaws, have to take in your troubled son. Just like I understand now why my loving family would not take in Kay. Your son is behaving very badly. So did Kay. As for your sons well being and the grandma not caring about it, it may not be lack of caring. Your son certainly doesn't care about his own well being or anyone else's and he is taxing to older adults. I assume she is getting old and already raised kids and may not be great at handling the stress of your son. It could make her sick. I assume Son is doing negative things there. Ex mother in law may be a horrible jerk, but she doesn't have to house an addict either, even if it is his grandson.

Nor can Grandma[ force him into to rehab with results. Nobody can or should feel they NEED to fix someone else.
Your son can go to rehab without anyones assistance. He is an adult. He can call up, say he is ready, and make plans himself, right? Until HE wants sobriety, he won't do it for you, grandma or anyone else. So I give other grandma a pass.

Your son meanwhile is pushing people away by his behavior. He is the one who has to clean up his act. I saw Kay lose the entire family due to her lifestyle. Even her siblings want nothing to do with her.


4. Do revisit all your positive relationships. Maybe decide to renew your marriage vows, travel if you can, enjoy fun and loving relatives/kids, join clubs, do the things that you love to do. We often stop living because of our kids who refuse to detox or get mental health care or who keep breaking the law. But doing better is up to them. Legally we have no rights to an adult. It is also up to us to get aid for us from places like private therapy or/and NarAnon. I am in an NA group on Thursdays at 6:30pm on Zoom. You can find it on the internet. Great group and anyone in the world can attend. You can turn off your photo if you are shy. Our group is the Midwest NA section but you can live anywhere and attend since its Zoom. I love my group. They understand like no others do. Reaching out to others for help has been very healing. I kept handing out our money to sustain Kay until I joined NA and therapy and I had close to a nervous breakdown and a divorce before I would get help. Don't let it go that far. Please dont.

If you want help from a book, go to Amazon and buy the SESH book for NarAnon. It is the book used at the meetings. There is tons of wisdom there. There are daily readings. It's a good start. in my opinion the book and meetings together are the way to go....but any change in how we perceive and treat our kids is helpful. We all need to find our own way of making life better. We need to find our way, just like our kids do.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Step 1: I admit I am powerless over Kay's addiction and poir mental health, that my life has become unmanageable.

The Serenity Prayer, which is actually helpful with or without God, depending on your beliefs is:

"(God) grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

We can't change them. We CAN change ourselves and how we deal with our kids. We can do it.

I send good thoughts and maybe you could take the time to learn healing and living well, even though you have a very troubled child whom you can't control.

Don't wait ten years.

Love and hugs. Update!!!
 
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Thank you all for your responses! They help so much. I just shared them with my husband. I could see they helped him, too! Thank you!
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi B,
I’m sorry you are going through this added challenge. It is not surprising to me that it all happened around your daughters important event, it just seems to be the way of the mess and drama of having an addicted loved one.
I agree with the others that there is nothing we can do to force our loved ones into counseling, rehab, and the ultimate goal, sobriety and normal relationships with family. This is not “giving up” on our loved ones. It is giving in to the ill conceived notion that we can “fix” them. They have to want it for themselves. Hubs and I spent many years in that mindset, hoping that our help would actually help my two. They just dove further into the rabbit hole and dragged us along with them. I am glad that you know that you cannot have your son in your home. That is half the battle, albeit a hard pill to swallow.
He adamantly refuses that there are any drugs other than marijuana. My ex-mother in law just emailed me. I want feedback from this group:
My two were the same, “It’s just pot, Mom.” I learned later it was much more. I knew deep down that it was more, by the personality changes we saw.

I'm literally sick to my stomach. I've been doing so good on myself lately. Just to clarify - the worry for my son never completely leaves. It simmers in an undercurrent that bubbles up several times a day.

This is where the work is. Trying to separate our emotions, stress level and body response to the drama addiction presents us with. I understand this undercurrent you write of. It is my issue as well. It helps to focus on my granddaughter, because I have to be healthy to care for her needs. My two are adults and will do as they please. That’s just the fact of the matter. It’s a lot of work to set aside the emotions connected to their choices, we love them. But it is imperative to keep focused on our own health and well being.
My husband and I hash out the issue at least once a day but we try not to think obsess over it as we will end up in the hospital ourselves. We both have physical ailments related to this overwhelming stress.
Stress is a killer. Try to put your sons issues, choices and consequences where they belong, back to him. It is his responsibility to carry this load, not yours or your husbands. It’s good that you are putting limits on discussion of the subject, not dwelling on it. My issue is ruminating thoughts, I will chew on the “cud” of matters over and again if I let myself. Nothing comes of it but heartache and heartburn.
I wish I could bring my son back into our home. The last time he was here it got physical a couple of times. I cannot risk that again. I have a daughter to think about.
Your daughter, you and your husband, all of us, deserve to have peace in our homes. Home is supposed to be a sanctuary, not a battleground. The fact that your son got physical a few times is proof enough that he can’t be there. It is a hard thing, nevertheless something that you have recognized and that is good for you and for him. We do our adult children no favors allowing them to take advantage of us. You did well here, setting that boundary.
but they've done nothing to help except email me to tell me to bring him back to my state. This woman is the queen of enablers. She still pays rent for my ex and he is 54.
Oh boy. Of course they want to be rid of him. Easy for them to put it back on your plate. My hubs cousin is 84-her son is mid 50s, living with her, riding up and down the road on a moped on his “meth missions”. She can’t bare to see him on the streets, so houses him and puts up with his behaviors. It boggles my mind. He has no desire to change.
I'm really annoyed as last night was a huge formal fundraising performance for my daughter's school. My ex knew about it and my son knew about it. I said we have this important event so don't text me or call me as my phone will be on silent. It is hard enough to face the 100 other moms with a smile on my face knowing my son is either mentally ill, has a drug issue or could be homeless tonight .
I understand the frustration and difficulty of having a wayward young adult and walking around amongst others who have “normal” lives. The key here is to enjoy the moment with your daughter, and the many more she will have. You both have earned that. Don’t let anyone take that away. I know it’s hard B. I used to have a hard time listening to others talk about their kids success in college, jobs, whatnot. How I yearned to be able to replicate that. Actually, I could, with my well children’s accomplishments!
I have to use all of my energy to be ME. Then if course the battle ax drops me this email right before the event. My husband said it is clear she just wants to get rid of our son - she doesn't truly care about his well being.
Timing is exquisite isn’t it? It’s almost as if by design, our wayward ones issues try to steal the limelight. It’s the old rug being ripped out from underneath, as soon as we stand up and brush ourselves off and start to recover ourselves, something else comes up. It can be exhausting. I honestly don’t know how I would respond to the email your ex-mother in law sent you. I would sit on it a few days, for sure. I would probably write a really long response and NOT send it. Just to vent.
This is the worst situation I have ever experienced-even my mother's passing, divorce, my own cancer diagnosis.
It is incredibly difficult to deal with a young adult child’s addiction and downfall. I have always said it is worse than losing a loved one to death. There is finality in death. Addiction brings with it a rollercoaster ride that can go on and on. So, it is up to is to get off the ride. In the beginning, it’s definitely a learning curve, because we are hard-wired to try everything to fix things for our kids. We have to retrain our hearts and minds to set limits to the depths our emotions take us. Addicted using loved ones know just how to tug at our heartstrings, family members either well meaning or not, can burden us more with suggestions. It is already an emotionally charged situation, we don’t need anyone to add to the stress we have. Take time for yourself and slow way down. Breathe. The ideas posted for naranon and therapy are good. It takes work to retrain our emotions.
Thank you for letting me vent. I need to find a mountaintop to scream from right now. I apologize for dumping this here as it feels so unattractive but I need guidance from experienced moms. Should I press the rehab issue, is he doing hard drugs, will rehab work, am I setting myself up for more failure???
I hope you found your mountain top. Scream! Get that stuff out somehow! When things were really bad for me, I would walk in the morning and pray. It helped clear my mind. Don’t worry about venting and feeling weird about it, we are all in the same sort of predicament and need to be able to write it out and get feedback from others in similar situations.
About pressing rehab, wondering what your son is doing, your gut instinct is probably correct, it is more than pot. But, your son will not change unless he wants to. You can fret and press all you want, but then you are entrenched and entangled on the path he is on. That is not healthy. I have a hard time reading on rehab websites, it places so much responsibility on family’s trying to help their addicted loved ones, to stay involved. They don’t seem to be concerned about the impact addiction has on families. How much we have been through, the decline in our own health. I think what is key for you and all of us is to get ourselves back on track to self love, self respect, setting and keeping boundaries. Learning to process the emotions that come with this, but not letting it affect us so deeply, that our lives are stripped of joy. Healing. That means setting boundaries for our own wayward emotions that synchronize with the consequences of their choices, as well as other peoples opinions. Everyone has to find their own way on this path, we are each at different junctures. No judgement on what you decide is best for you and your family. Hang in there and take care of you.
Gentle hugs.
Ps. Your Ex mother in law is a piece of work. Really? “Once you secure a spot, we will put him on a plane.”
Ummmm, I don’t think so. He is 25 and an adult, no one can force him to do anything!
Arrrrgh ! People!
Hang in there. You got this mama.
Leaf
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
If Grandma is offering to pay for airfare, I say let her foot the bill. She said she’s going to “put him on a plane. . . “ That’s fine and dandy if he’s willing to go. I think Grandma will soon see that simply paying airfare and getting him on the next flight out is not going to be that simple. She just wants to send him away. She even said that YOU need to find him a treatment center in YOUR state. She wants him gone.
 
If Grandma is offering to pay for airfare, I say let her foot the bill. She said she’s going to “put him on a plane. . . “ That’s fine and dandy if he’s willing to go. I think Grandma will soon see that simply paying airfare and getting him on the next flight out is not going to be that simple. She just wants to send him away. She even said that YOU need to find him a treatment center in YOUR state. She wants him gone
You got it! She just wants him gone. Which I understand- just don't coat it in concern for my son and a helping of guilt for me. If I could live my son's life for him and make all of the right decisions, I would. Plane tickets to Florida are a dime a dozen.
 
Hi B,
I’m sorry you are going through this added challenge. It is not surprising to me that it all happened around your daughters important event, it just seems to be the way of the mess and drama of having an addicted loved one.
I agree with the others that there is nothing we can do to force our loved ones into counseling, rehab, and the ultimate goal, sobriety and normal relationships with family. This is not “giving up” on our loved ones. It is giving in to the ill conceived notion that we can “fix” them. They have to want it for themselves. Hubs and I spent many years in that mindset, hoping that our help would actually help my two. They just dove further into the rabbit hole and dragged us along with them. I am glad that you know that you cannot have your son in your home. That is half the battle, albeit a hard pill to swallow.

My two wer the same, “It’s just pot, Mom.” I learned later it was much more. I knew deep down that it was more, by the personality changes we saw.

I'm literally sick to my stomach. I've been doing so good on myself lately. Just to clarify - the worry for my son never completely leaves. It simmers in an undercurrent that bubbles up several times a day.

This is where the work is. Trying to separate our emotions, stress level and body response to the drama addiction presents us with. I understand this undercurrent you write of. It is my issue as well. It helps to focus on my granddaughter, because I have to be healthy to care for her needs. My two are adults and will do as they please. That’s just the fact of the matter. It’s a lot of work to set aside the emotions connected to their choices, we love them. But it is imperative to keep focused on our own health and well being.

Stress is a killer. Try to put your sons issues, choices and consequences where they belong, back to him. It is his responsibility to carry this load, not yours or your husbands. It’s good that you are putting limits on discussion of the subject, not dwelling on it. My issue is ruminating thoughts, I will chew on the “cud” of matters over and again if I let myself. Nothing comes of it but heartache and heartburn.

Your daughter, you and your husband, all of us, deserve to have peace in our homes. Home is supposed to be a sanctuary, not a battleground. The fact that your son got physical a few times is proof enough that he can’t be there. It is a hard thing, nevertheless something that you have recognized and that is good for you and for him. We do our adult children no favors allowing them to take advantage of us. You did well here, setting that boundary.

Oh boy. Of course they want to be rid of him. Easy for them to put it back on your plate. My hubs cousin is 84-her son is mid 50s, living with her, riding up and down the road on a moped on his “meth missions”. She can’t bare to see him on the streets, so houses him and puts up with his behaviors. It boggles my mind. He has no desire to change.

I understand the frustration and difficulty of having a wayward young adult and walking around amongst others who have “normal” lives. The key here is to enjoy the moment with your daughter, and the many more she will have. You both have earned that. Don’t let anyone take that away. I know it’s hard B. I used to have a hard time listening to others talk about their kids success in college, jobs, whatnot. How I yearned to be able to replicate that. Actually, I could, with my well children’s accomplishments!

Timing is exquisite isn’t it? It’s almost as if by design, our wayward ones issues try to steal the limelight. It’s the old rug being ripped out from underneath, as soon as we stand up and brush ourselves off and start to recover ourselves, something else comes up. It can be exhausting. I honestly don’t know how I would respond to the email your ex-mother in law sent you. I would sit on it a few days, for sure. I would probably write a really long response and NOT send it. Just to vent.

It is incredibly difficult to deal with a young adult child’s addiction and downfall. I have always said it is worse than losing a loved one to death. There is finality in death. Addiction brings with it a rollercoaster ride that can go on and on. So, it is up to is to get off the ride. In the beginning, it’s definitely a learning curve, because we are hard-wired to try everything to fix things for our kids. We have to retrain our hearts and minds to set limits to the depths our emotions take us. Addicted using loved ones know just how to tug at our heartstrings, family members either well meaning or not, can burden us more with suggestions. It is already an emotionally charged situation, we don’t need anyone to add to the stress we have. Take time for yourself and slow way down. Breathe. The ideas posted for naranon and therapy are good. It takes work to retrain our emotions.

I hope you found your mountain top. Scream! Get that stuff out somehow! When things were really bad for me, I would walk in the morning and pray. It helped clear my mind. Don’t worry about venting and feeling weird about it, we are all in the same sort of predicament and need to be able to write it out and get feedback from others in similar situations.
About pressing rehab, wondering what your son is doing, your gut instinct is probably correct, it is more than pot. But, your son will not change unless he wants to. You can fret and press all you want, but then you are entrenched and entangled on the path he is on. That is not healthy. I have a hard time reading on rehab websites, it places so much responsibility on family’s trying to help their addicted loved ones, to stay involved. They don’t seem to be concerned about the impact addiction has on families. How much we have been through, the decline in our own health. I think what is key for you and all of us is to get ourselves back on track to self love, self respect, setting and keeping boundaries. Learning to process the emotions that come with this, but not letting it affect us so deeply, that our lives are stripped of joy. Healing. That means setting boundaries for our own wayward emotions that synchronize with the consequences of their choices, as well as other peoples opinions. Everyone has to find their own way on this path, we are each at different junctures. No judgement on what you decide is best for you and your family. Hang in there and take care of you.
Gentle hugs.
Ps. Your Ex mother in law is a piece of work. Really? “Once you secure a spot, we will put him on a plane.”
Ummmm, I don’t think so. He is 25 and an adult, no one can force him to do anything!
Arrrrgh ! People!
Hang in there. You got this mama.
Leaf
Leaf,

I am so lucky to have you in my life! I feel like I am being guided by the wisdom of experience for those moms that have had to walk my path.

You words cover all of the walls that I'm facing - wanting to help, especially during the holidays and knowing that I can't fix it. I have been ruminating over the last 3 months constantly and have just started to feel stronger. Instead of waiting for my son to get tired of his situation and change, I got tired of the situation and have started changes in myself. "Stella got her groove back" but then I get the email, the phone call, the text, the emergency saying, "You can't have a normal life because you have to save your son from THIS, THIS is important, THIS is important" and it feels like I get stuck on a merry go round complete with spinning headache and sick stomach and all.

I'm getting the strength to press PAUSE. All of my efforts have been futile - the money, the tears, the sleepless nights, the lectures, the rescue missions, the advice, the life coaching (I should be a certified life coach at this point). He never listens to or takes my advice. Now I have to put the distance there.

"You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm" but we do and we also feel the pain of their failure when it is against everything we taught and instilled in them.

Leaf, thank you! For taking the time to spell it out for me and getting me back on the track to self love and self respect. Know my limits and find peace in those limits. You've reminded me to find joy in the moments with my daughter. No more stolen moments. Time is not promised to anyone even the moms of troubled adult children. We deserve peace, love and respect!

I feel strong in my resolve to have boundaries. That is a big step for me.

I have to hand it over to God. It is too much for this mama to carry.

So glad I have you moms on my team ❤️
 
Many hugs to you. Yes please focus on yourselves and your daughter. She is as important. My daughter once commented to me how we spent all of our energies on our son and it made her feel less than. Those words have haunted me and I have apologized many times. She was the good and easy kid And in no way should her brothers actions have taken priority. It wasn’t until I finally stepped out of the pot that I realized how much time, energy, grief, consumed us. The marriage failed. New Leaf and Busy have many wise words.
 
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