Feeling broken

[lordGoldemort]

Hi everyone, first post here, nice to find a place of support.

I have two daughters - my youngest will by 13 tomorrow, my eldest 15 next week. In some respects they couldn't be more different. The older one is generally kind and diligent - not the smarter of the two, but works so very hard and punches above her weight. She can be very positive and has done things that would have scared me at her age (last week she returned from a school trip to Nepal!)

The other one though... clearly she is bright, probably academically a few steps ahead of her sibling. But she wastes it. All the t(w)eenage cliches seem to apply: she is lazy, occasionally abusive, shows a contempt for the efforts my wife and I are making, refuses to do anything around the house, shows interest in nothing, pushes boundaries to the point of outright defiance with the amount of screen time she gets (transitions from watching crap on TV to phone to tablet, paying puppy games or WhatsApp messaging with friends). This is despite a huge amount of involvement, love and encouragement from myself and my wife. She eats little else than sugar, and her tastes have narrowed as she has grown older rather than expanded (largely because she is so fussy that she gets bored with the limited palette she will tolerate). She is also actively nasty to her older sister, who (to her credit) tries her best to remain calm in the face of provocation.

I feel like I have run out of weapons now. Time-out and sticker charts? Too old to care. She gets pocket money by direct debit and can go out and buy the small things we don't provide (so "no sugary treats", the previous Nuclear Option no longer works). Remove the internet? She switches to 4G. Stop paying for top-ups? She pays herself as she has a bank account and a debit card). My wife is a f**king chocolate teapot who brings stress home from her (admittedly unpleasant) work and cranks up the tension at home, barking orders at the kids, ranting at them without listening, and then hides at the ensuing crisis. As a result I face all the s**t myself and I feel so bloody lonely and powerless, like no-one has got my back. I want to walk out (not that I think I will, but I want to, and that makes me feel like a prisoner).

Like I said, it's her 13th birthday tomorrow. Don't feel like I have much to celebrate.

</rant>
#thanksforlistening

 

[DadInProgress]

Does she not seem aware of what she is doing? Or is she blatantly open and unconcerned with he behavior?

If she seems unaware? Like she is just solving problems to get what she needs; consider looking into ADD/ADHD.

 

[BusynMember]

I wouldn't contact him. Jmo but he is trying to sell you something or claim he is close to some sort of expert and ask for money. Something isn't right about this poster. Be careful...please.

Meanwhile... Hi and welcome. Have you ever taken your daughter in to maybe get evaluated by a professional? I do think she is rather young to have control of her own money etc. Where is she getting this money that allows her to do whatever she likes when you set a boundary? I don't see it doing her any good. I feel she is way too young to have access to her own bank account and a debit card too! I have four kids and none of them had access to their own money until they turned 18. They would have spent it! Thirteen is way too young to have a clue about money. She is using it to diminish your status as her parents. She still needs to have you be totally in charge of what she can and can't purchase. This, like you said, takes away all your leverage. Although you can take her phone and disconnect the internet. I am not sure why you are giving such a young kid do much power in your home. My kids would have been doing cartwheels over us if they had been given that kind of power but they never had it. They weren't perfect or I wouldn't be here, but they did not have the ability to override us if we set a boundary and took away a privledge.

I am going to speak frankly. I hope you don't take this wrong...it is not meant unkindly. It is just my impression of what I read. Your marriage is not helping your girls. You speak in a very disrespectful way about your wife and the girls must know how you feel. There is little you can do without her support. Maybe marriage counseling would help. If you are not on the same page as your wife, and fight in front of the girls, this WILL affect both of them and they may play you against each other. It is hard to be a parent; harder if your marriage is contentious. You sound very unhappy. You, like everyone, deserves happiness. Even if wife won't go for counseling with you maybe it would help you to go yourself. Or at least talk to somebody regularly that you can trust. A Pastor? Dear friend? Trusted family member?

To me this sounds like a family problem as well as just this young daughter, although things do need to change regarding her...nothing will change if the house rules stay the same. Or as we say here in a more simple way : Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Others will come along.

 

[DadInProgress]

I was just offering to share some articles that I thought were helpful. I certainly have nothing to sell. Hell, I’ll attach them on here so no emails are involved.

SWOT - Say whatever you want. I am here to help and learn from people.

 

[BusynMember]

Smitty, I don't know why you are here. We are seasoned parents many with kids your age or older. Your posts sound to me like you have an angle. As you know, we can look up articles ourselves. Most of us have! We are a smart, informed group.

At any rate, this thread is for the original poster. I am not going to take any more time away from him to address this.

 

[BusynMember]

You sent me a PM.

 

[lordGoldemort]

Does she not seem aware of what she is doing? Or is she blatantly open and unconcerned with he behavior?

If she seems unaware? Like she is just solving problems to get what she needs; consider looking into ADD/ADHD.

There are times when she is contrite - usually when we threaten quite hefty sanctions. She'll be nice for a while, but then (within the space of a few days) slip back. Her elder sister was away for a week over Easter, and we took her for a weekend at the seaside. She was quite pleasant then. But of course we were living away from home, she didn't have to tidy up (etc) and the time was essentially a series of treats so... You have hit a nail there - she has a mercenary streak. Also a stubborn streak. Since very young, she's held scissors the wrong (pointing towards her). We've tried ever so hard to get her to do it the intended (safe) way, but nope - this morning, opening presents, still in the "seppuku" position. ADD is possible, but I have seen her concentrate on things for ages. And I don't think "hyperactive" describes her general slothery

She was sweet opening her presents this morning. She can be brilliant when she gets. But somehow she hasn't quite grasped the lesson we've often demonstrated, that not only can you not always be getting; sometimes you really have to give.

 

[lordGoldemort]

I do think she is rather young to have control of her own money etc. Where is she getting this money that allows her to do whatever she likes when you set a boundary?

She gets £5 a week pocket money by Direct Credit. In our neighbourhood, all the cashpoints have vanished and we both work quite far away from any bank, so having cash to give her and her sister was often difficult for us.

I don't see it doing her any good. I feel she is way too young to have access to her own bank account and a debit card too! I have four kids and none of them had access to their own money until they turned 18. They would have spent it! Thirteen is way too young to have a clue about money.

Her sibling got a kids' account at 13 and has been incredibly responsible with it. Since she often plays the "Unfair" Joker, we could find no rationale for not affording her the same privilege.

She is using it to diminish your status as her parents. She still needs to have you be totally in charge of what she can and can't purchase. This, like you said, takes away all your leverage. Although you can take her phone and disconnect the internet. I am not sure why you are giving such a young kid do much power in your home. My kids would have been doing cartwheels over us if they had been given that kind of power but they never had it. They weren't perfect or I wouldn't be here, but they did not have the ability to override us if we set a boundary and took away a privledge.

I guess we picked different battles. She hasn't been irresponsible with money. In fact, when we had a trip to the seaside at Easter, she had saved over £80. For me that's a win, and yes it has eroded our power, but there is some benefit to it too #silverlining

I am going to speak frankly. I hope you don't take this wrong...it is not meant unkindly. It is just my impression of what I read. Your marriage is not helping your girls. You speak in a very disrespectful way about your wife and the girls must know how you feel. There is little you can do without her support. Maybe marriage counseling would help. If you are not on the same page as your wife, and fight in front of the girls, this WILL affect both of them and they may play you against each other. It is hard to be a parent; harder if your marriage is contentious. You sound very unhappy. You, like everyone, deserves happiness. Even if wife won't go for counseling with you maybe it would help you to go yourself. Or at least talk to somebody regularly that you can trust. A Pastor? Dear friend? Trusted family member?

Thanks for your candour. No offence taken. I've tried to describe things as they are, although it's hard to not feel frustration and anger when the person who is supposed to have your back lets you fall. She refused to go to counselling ("too expensive, haven't got the time...") at first. I went to CBT to help me with an unrelated issue and recommended it to her, but she gave it up after a few sessions claiming it made her worse. She will also not see a doctor about things after a course of antidepressants (back in 199x) had some odd side-effects.

To me this sounds like a family problem as well as just this young daughter, although things do need to change regarding her...nothing will change if the house rules stay the same. Or as we say here in a more simple way : Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Except her sister is way ahead of what I might have expected. Occasionally grumpy, often tired, but thoughtful, hard-working, responsible, good-natured but with enough backbone to stand up for herself, open-minded, adventurous, loving (impromptu hugs? Thanks very much!)...