Feeling disgusted, anger, strong dislike, the whole gamut...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Wish, Jun 17, 2018.

  1. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    Against my daughter.

    We took a trip cross country back to our hometown. That is where we are now. She saw friends she hasn't seen in 10 years. They were so excited to see her, took her out and treated her well. Did any of that really phase her? No. Why? Because she was stuck talking to the boyfriend via phone. I can just picture her out with her friends, leaving the bar to go outside and call him. I can just picture her just finding a corner to text him from for a long period of time while her friends were waiting for her. They took her to a concert tonight and when they dropped her off, I peeked outside the door and she was in that "mood" and they were trying to say goodbye to her and she just completely ignored them, walked away , came in , went right downstairs to call him. How disgustingly rude is that? She is beyond obssesive and that obssession that she has, frankly, and i hate to say it and I'm sorry if it upsets anyone, makes me want to knock her teeth right down her throat. I can't stand the hold that they have on each other. It is so unbreakable. It really makes me sad and angry that so many people go do so much for her, including me and she disrupts all of it with this complete utter bull****. Completely humilating herself because she does act emotional unstable. She gets into this "zone" when boyfriend is capping her head up and nothing breaks it. She will walk out on her job, people, her family, friends anything, just to deal with him, this no good piece of dirt. Sometimes I get to the point where I am like you know what, go back to him, get abused and beat. I don't give two ****! I am about to be done with her and kick her out. FOUR years of this eratic, violent relationship and not to mention her teenge years from hell. I read all of our stories and I think to myself, why the hell do we deal with all of this? Why stop our lives, get no sleep, worried all the time, for kids who are hell bent on destroying their lives? My parents didn't entertain fools and that meant their children more so. We were all kicked out before the age of 18 and they did NOT care or rescue us from our bad mistakes. You think my parents cared or cried or begged us when we were messing up our lives? LOL LOL LOL. Yeah.............. RIGHT. Why can't I be as strong as they were? All of what our kids do is foolishness. Straight up foolishness. Insolence. I love my daughter to the ends of the earth but this, this is enough. I can't rescue her from herself. I swear, the only reason why boyfriend wants daughter in his life is to ruin hers.
  2. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    And remember, this trip was HER idea. She drug me along when I was not feeling well at all! She promised she wasn't going to do this with boyfriend. She promised. Not to mention being rude and disrespectful towards me. Ugh. So angry and disgusted.
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2018
  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    So sorry your trip is being ruined by your daughters behavior. I have never been in this situation but i know how difficult it has to be to watch your daughter self destruct. She chooses to go back to an abusive man so in my opinion it is self destruction. You have tried everything you can to help her even to the point of putting yourself in harms way. She is responsible and has to make the decision to get out. When she makes that decision and it does not involve coming to your house if she is serious about it which means finding a safe place and councelling then you can support her. If he comes around you or your property have a restraining order in place and take the opportunity to have him locked up. Even if she begs you not too. They both need to know you are not putting up with his sh#t. Tell her unless she stops seeing and communicating with him she has to leave because she is puting you in danger as well. Again as others have told you go on your own to an domestic violence councelor and see what they suggest. Prayers are with you.
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I also feel you need to talk to a domestic abuse counselor. For you, to learn to cope the best way for her and you. I personally don't think that if she promised not to see this man anymore she would keep her word. I would encourage her to contact the domestic violence shelter the next time he hurts her as the others have convinced me that having her in your house is not only dangerous for both of you, but the domestic abuse shelter is safer for her. Nobody can get inside the shelter. Nobody can tell any caller who is there. I used to answer the phone there. The police are called if anyone does show up but it is locked down and nobody can get in.

    I wouldn't reward her with vacations anymore.

    She obviously needs help. You said she was difficult even before she met him. And you are not a counselor. You don't know what to do, just like all of us.

    I do have a good book you can read. It is called Codependent no more by Melody Beatty.

    I.wish you love and light!
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Wish, your anger & frustration are so justified, you've been dragged around by your daughter and her abusive boyfriend's unhealthy and scary behavior for a very long time. Being angry rather than terrified may be just what is necessary now for you to take action that will protect and help YOU. Four years is a long time to be stuck in fight or fright.....like many of us here, you've likely developed a form of PTSD.

    I'm sorry this continues, your daughter's life is controlled by an abuser, do your level best not to continue suffering the same fate......seek support from a professional, from a Domestic Violence counselor who can offer you information, guidance, support, resources and how to keep yourself safe. Your daughter and her abuser are not ready to seek help, but you can seek help for your safety and well being. Please take care of yourself. You matter too. You're not alone.

    Here is the phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
    1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

    Here is info for family members from the National Domestic Violence Hotline:

    Help for Friends and Family - The National Domestic Violence Hotline
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Wish, you have a life to live. You do.
    Whatever the case may be with your daughter, you have tried to help her with no avail. I know the heartache, confusion and despair that comes with this.
    I have seen that a dv relationship becomes akin to a psychological illness, the high drama and chaos becomes the new normal.
    It doesn’t have to be yours.
    My daughter stayed with her abusive boyfriend for years. Their relationship (if you could call it that) consisted of few moments of peace, mired with violent erratic episodes, car wrecks and constant arguments. This was all exacerbated by drinking, smoking pot, then escalated to crack and meth. It was like watching a whirlpool descending into the depths of hell.
    No one could tell my daughter anything. When she tried to leave, he would threaten her. When she did, he would call her and beg her to come back. It was as if she was under some sort of spell.
    We all were dragged into the storm.
    There was a point where this became a selfish, macabre game.
    It is a form of addiction, I think. This “love” they had was sick and unhealthy. Like an addict, no matter what happened to my daughter and her children, she just kept going back. Over and again.
    She had no empathy or apologies for the hell we went through with her yo-yoing back and forth. She saw nothing but trying to fix her “relationship” or fix him.
    His hold on her was unbreakable by anyone. Like drug addiction. It didn’t matter how it affected anyone else, or her.
    Like a drug addict, she expected us to put her up and rescue her from her own choices. It didn’t matter that he put holes in our walls, was violent with their children, nothing mattered but trying to fix it, with him.
    She would flee and come to our home, but she was not truly ready to leave. After a few days, the cycle would start up again.
    She refused to stop this madness.
    Like a moth to the flame.
    Every. Single. Time.
    We became victims along with her, but she did not see this.
    It was a bit different for me, because I had a young son to protect. He helped me see the unfairness of it all. My hubs was raised in a violent home, his sister married a violent man. This was not new territory for him, the leaving and going back, the chaos.
    It was for me.
    I put my foot down. It was not fair to our son to have to witness what he did, to grow up with all of the crazy.
    It was not fair to me, as a mother to have to put up with the anxiety and grief of it.
    It is not fair to you.
    I had to break the cycle.
    It was too easy for my daughter to come to our home, then go back to him. I am not a counselor or therapist. Anything I said, was the wrong thing, would set her off into a rant of how I “just don’t understand.”
    The last time she asked me to come home, was after my husband passed.
    Mind you, on the day of spreading his ashes, she invited her friends over to my home unbeknownst to me. They were all drinking. She and her boyfriend ended up arguing and he hit her. It was an ugly, trailer trash culmination of the ultimate disrespect of my heart, health and home, as well as treading proverbial $#!+ all on the eve of laying her father to rest. Police were called, and she refused to press charges! Talk about anger and disgust.
    Then, a few days after, she came back and hugged me, not apologizing for the fracas, but saying she was going to leave him and wanted to come home.
    I took a deep breath and said no. It was not easy.
    This was a pattern that had to change.
    Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
    I told her that I loved her very much, but that she did not get the help she needed in my home, that she needed to get to rehab, to go to a dv shelter.
    It broke my heart, but it was true.
    Love says no. No, I will not be dragged into this sickness. No, I will not continue to be sucked into the chaos and drama.
    It is hard to say no, when it feels like you are turning your back on someone you love. In reality, I was facing my daughter, with the truth. I was telling her that I was not going to put up with the crazy anymore and neither should she.
    She went back.
    They are not together now.
    This is all complicated with drug addiction and three children. As far as I know, he is homeless and using, she is somewhere out there, gone no contact. I have not heard from her in almost a year.
    My grands live with their paternal grandparents. She called me last year, wanted me to drop everything, help her take my grands “to a shelter with her.” I knew she was not stable. I called my grands and asked them if they wanted to go with their mom. The answer was “no way”.
    They had enough.
    I have had to give this all to God, it is too much for me to bare alone.
    In the years that this was all brewing, I relied heavily on a friend at work to tell my woes to. She encouraged me to seek professional help. I was drowning in the hellish whirlpool of it all.
    The therapist looked at me, after my long venting and point blank said “You are an enabler.” It was as if I was shot in the heart.
    She explained to me that I had no control over both of my daughters choices, be it drugs or violent relationships. That I couldn’t help them, if they were not ready or willing to help themselves, that I could no longer have them in my home, jeopardizing my young son and myself.
    All of those years putting myself, my own home on the side, trying desperately to fix something that was not mine to fix. All of those despicable incidences we were all dragged into flashed before me. I went home and told my husband that I was done being rescue Mom and grandma.
    It took awhile for me to come out of the spell of it. Thinking I could save my daughter from her own choices. Pulling back from the emotional roller coaster.
    I am working constantly at taking my life back. Trying with all of my might to live with peace and joy.
    The hard part of letting go, is after years of trying to rescue our beloveds, we neglect ourselves. Many write here of how they cannot live well, if their adult children are out there ruining their own lives.
    There is no sacrifice we can make of our peace and health, that will bargain for our adult children’s choices.
    I have come to feel that the way to help my two is by praying for them to come to their senses. I also feel that leading by example is so important.
    What we wish most for our adult children is that they be healthy, live productive and joy filled lives, make good choices and care for themselves.
    We can help them see the value of this, by modeling it, ourselves. Self love and care is not selfish, it is imperative for our well being.
    Keep posting Wish, it helps to get it out. At the same time, build your strength and knowledge. Be very kind to yourself and work at switching your focus to what you can control. That is, what the rest of your life looks like.
    We cannot control or change what our adult children decide. We can, however, look at our own involvement, see unhealthy patterns and change our own emotional reactions and action.

    I apologize for the lengthy post. It is something that hits me deeply, domestic violence is despicable and drags everyone into the darkness of it.

    You matter Wish, your health and peace of mind and heart, matters.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Wish... I totally get your anger and frustration. Her behavior was rude and all that you say. She may have felt she had no choice because she would be in trouble with him if he didnt know what she was doing at all times. He sounds really dangerous. Please get in touch with a domestic violence program. Many of them now do advocacy with people where they are and while they are still in the relationship. Your daughter does not sound ready for a shelter but she might be willing to talk to someone if it doesnt mean she has to leave the relationship first. Please please call.
  8. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    She is acting that way because she's afraid of her boyfriend. You mentioned he is violent. If she doesn't answer the phone on the first ring he probably goes ballistic. He probably demands that she check in with him every hour and immediately respond to every text. She knows what the consequences are if she doesn't do what he wants. She needs counseling badly.
  9. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Wish, I have been in your situation. I feel so sad for you.

    Leafy, I needed to read your post today and I hope Wish will read it over 3 times. My 36 year old daughter is totally under her 1/2 a** boyfriends spell, nothing or no one matters to her all that matters to her is that she is still attached to a creep that is almost 43 years old, lives part time with his mom, can't get from point A to point B, is disrespectful to us and has caused financial ruin for my daughter. He is like a drug to her and she would lay her life down just to have him come and use her some more, I have distanced myself from most of it but I am still involved with her on many levels. Each year my daughter and I try to pick a mother/daughter activity or class to take together but for the last year I do not even enjoy her company. She is not a nice person to me, she lies and uses me and I continue to have her around. I am getting strong each day. I think my daughter just does enough to keep our relationship going but not enough to satisfy me. I do understand that we all want deep loving relationships with our adult child but sometimes our adult child is a plain a**.
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  10. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    Just got back from our long drive home yesterday, it was a nightmare to say the least because daughter and I got into it really bad, while I was driving on the interstate in traffic.

    Pause. Big Sigh::

    Anyway, I feel pretty badly for writing what I did, especially about the knocking down the teeth part, especially in light of the whole situation. It was really wrong of me to say. I'm sure you can understand, when you feel so helpless for your child and they are 100% committed to their craziness, and disrespect you on top of it, which my daughter can be very, very disrespectful when she is angry....the things that come out of her mouth....anyone would be appalled. She has gotten so much better since teenagehood, that's why I don't bring up her past of how horrid she was as a teenager, but try as I might, it does show itself in the present once in a while.

    Anyway, I guess she felt really badly because she straigthened herself back up when we got home. She could tell I was about to throw her behind right out. Anyway, we are all at a pause right now. Things are very much in the air , about everything really.

    Leafy, you take so much time and energy to write to me and words cannot express how I grateful I am. Your writtings are definitely my rock in all of this. I can't tell you how many times I have read what you wrote to me over and over again....and that goes for everybody else here too. All of you have been so wonderful to me. Did I say already how grateful I am that I found this place. You all are my sanity and I am taking all of your advice, especially about domestic violence counciling. I will follow up with you on that soon enough. Thanks so much guys.