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Feeling disgusted, anger, strong dislike, the whole gamut...
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 735567" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Wish, you have a life to live. You do.</p><p>Whatever the case may be with your daughter, you have tried to help her with no avail. I know the heartache, confusion and despair that comes with this.</p><p>I have seen that a dv relationship becomes akin to a psychological illness, the high drama and chaos becomes the new normal.</p><p>It doesn’t have to be yours.</p><p>My daughter stayed with her abusive boyfriend for years. Their relationship (if you could call it that) consisted of few moments of peace, mired with violent erratic episodes, car wrecks and constant arguments. This was all exacerbated by drinking, smoking pot, then escalated to crack and meth. It was like watching a whirlpool descending into the depths of hell.</p><p>No one could tell my daughter anything. When she tried to leave, he would threaten her. When she did, he would call her and beg her to come back. It was as if she was under some sort of spell.</p><p>We all were dragged into the storm.</p><p>There was a point where this became a selfish, macabre game.</p><p>It is a form of addiction, I think. This “love” they had was sick and unhealthy. Like an addict, no matter what happened to my daughter and her children, she just kept going back. Over and again.</p><p>She had no empathy or apologies for the hell we went through with her yo-yoing back and forth. She saw nothing but trying to fix her “relationship” or fix him.</p><p>His hold on her was unbreakable by anyone. Like drug addiction. It didn’t matter how it affected anyone else, or her.</p><p>Like a drug addict, she expected us to put her up and rescue her from her own choices. It didn’t matter that he put holes in our walls, was violent with their children, <em>nothing mattered but trying to fix it, with him. </em></p><p>She would flee and come to our home, but she was not truly ready to leave. After a few days, the cycle would start up again.</p><p>She refused to stop this madness.</p><p>Like a moth to the flame.</p><p>Every. Single. Time.</p><p>We became victims along with her, but she did not see this.</p><p>It was a bit different for me, because I had a young son to protect. He helped me see the unfairness of it all. My hubs was raised in a violent home, his sister married a violent man. This was not new territory for him, the leaving and going back, the chaos.</p><p>It was for me.</p><p>I put my foot down. It was not fair to our son to have to witness what he did, to grow up with all of the crazy.</p><p>It was not fair to me, as a mother to have to put up with the anxiety and grief of it. </p><p>It is not fair to you.</p><p>I had to break the cycle. </p><p>It was too easy for my daughter to come to our home, then go back to him. I am not a counselor or therapist. Anything I said, was the wrong thing, would set her off into a rant of how I “just don’t understand.”</p><p>The last time she asked me to come home, was after my husband passed. </p><p>Mind you, on the <em>day of spreading his ashes,</em> she invited her friends over to my home unbeknownst to me. They were all drinking. She and her boyfriend ended up arguing and he hit her. It was an ugly, trailer trash culmination of the ultimate disrespect of my heart, health and home, as well as treading proverbial $#!+ all on the eve of laying her father to rest. Police were called, and she refused to press charges! Talk about anger and disgust.</p><p>Then, a few days after, she came back and hugged me, <em>not apologizing for the fracas, </em>but saying she was going to leave him and wanted to come home.</p><p>I took a deep breath and said no. It was not easy. </p><p><em>This was a pattern that had to change.</em> </p><p>Nothing changes, if nothing changes. </p><p>I told her that I loved her very much, but that she did not get the help she needed in my home, that she needed to get to rehab, to go to a dv shelter. </p><p>It broke my heart, but it was true.</p><p>Love says no. No, I will not be dragged into this sickness. No, I will not continue to be sucked into the chaos and drama.</p><p>It is hard to say no, when it feels like you are turning your back on someone you love. In reality, I was facing my daughter, with the truth. I was telling her that I was not going to put up with the crazy anymore and neither should she.</p><p>She went back.</p><p>They are not together now. </p><p>This is all complicated with drug addiction and three children. As far as I know, he is homeless and using, she is somewhere out there, gone no contact. I have not heard from her in almost a year. </p><p>My grands live with their paternal grandparents. She called me last year, wanted me to drop everything, help her take my grands “to a shelter with her.” I knew she was not stable. I called my grands and asked them if they wanted to go with their mom. The answer was “no way”.</p><p>They had enough. </p><p>I have had to give this all to God, it is too much for me to bare alone. </p><p>In the years that this was all brewing, I relied heavily on a friend at work to tell my woes to. She encouraged me to seek professional help. I was drowning in the hellish whirlpool of it all.</p><p>The therapist looked at me, after my long venting and point blank said “You are an enabler.” It was as if I was shot in the heart.</p><p>She explained to me that I had no control over both of my daughters choices, be it drugs or violent relationships. That I couldn’t help them, if they were not ready or willing to help themselves, that I could no longer have them in my home, jeopardizing my young son and myself.</p><p>Boom.</p><p>All of those years putting myself, my own home on the side, trying desperately to fix something that was not mine to fix. All of those despicable incidences we were all dragged into flashed before me. I went home and told my husband that I was done being rescue Mom and grandma. </p><p>It took awhile for me to come out of the spell of it. Thinking I could save my daughter from her own choices. Pulling back from the emotional roller coaster. </p><p>I am working constantly at taking my life back. Trying with all of my might to live with peace and joy. </p><p>The hard part of letting go, is after years of trying to rescue our beloveds, <em>we neglect ourselves.</em> Many write here of how they cannot live well, if their adult children are out there ruining their own lives.</p><p> There is no sacrifice we can make of our peace and health, that will bargain for our adult children’s choices.</p><p>I have come to feel that the way to help my two is by praying for them to come to their senses. I also feel that leading by example is so important. </p><p>What we wish most for our adult children is that they be healthy, live productive and joy filled lives, make good choices and care for themselves. </p><p>We can help them see the value of this, by modeling it, ourselves. Self love and care is not selfish, it is imperative for our well being. </p><p>Keep posting Wish, it helps to get it out. At the same time, build your strength and knowledge. Be very kind to yourself and work at switching your focus to what you can control. That is, <em>what the rest of your life looks like.</em></p><p>We cannot control or change what our adult children decide. We can, however, look at our own involvement, see unhealthy patterns and change our own emotional reactions and action. </p><p></p><p>I apologize for the lengthy post. It is something that hits me deeply, domestic violence is despicable and drags everyone into the darkness of it. </p><p></p><p>You matter Wish, your health and peace of mind and heart, matters.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 735567, member: 19522"] Wish, you have a life to live. You do. Whatever the case may be with your daughter, you have tried to help her with no avail. I know the heartache, confusion and despair that comes with this. I have seen that a dv relationship becomes akin to a psychological illness, the high drama and chaos becomes the new normal. It doesn’t have to be yours. My daughter stayed with her abusive boyfriend for years. Their relationship (if you could call it that) consisted of few moments of peace, mired with violent erratic episodes, car wrecks and constant arguments. This was all exacerbated by drinking, smoking pot, then escalated to crack and meth. It was like watching a whirlpool descending into the depths of hell. No one could tell my daughter anything. When she tried to leave, he would threaten her. When she did, he would call her and beg her to come back. It was as if she was under some sort of spell. We all were dragged into the storm. There was a point where this became a selfish, macabre game. It is a form of addiction, I think. This “love” they had was sick and unhealthy. Like an addict, no matter what happened to my daughter and her children, she just kept going back. Over and again. She had no empathy or apologies for the hell we went through with her yo-yoing back and forth. She saw nothing but trying to fix her “relationship” or fix him. His hold on her was unbreakable by anyone. Like drug addiction. It didn’t matter how it affected anyone else, or her. Like a drug addict, she expected us to put her up and rescue her from her own choices. It didn’t matter that he put holes in our walls, was violent with their children, [I]nothing mattered but trying to fix it, with him. [/I] She would flee and come to our home, but she was not truly ready to leave. After a few days, the cycle would start up again. She refused to stop this madness. Like a moth to the flame. Every. Single. Time. We became victims along with her, but she did not see this. It was a bit different for me, because I had a young son to protect. He helped me see the unfairness of it all. My hubs was raised in a violent home, his sister married a violent man. This was not new territory for him, the leaving and going back, the chaos. It was for me. I put my foot down. It was not fair to our son to have to witness what he did, to grow up with all of the crazy. It was not fair to me, as a mother to have to put up with the anxiety and grief of it. It is not fair to you. I had to break the cycle. It was too easy for my daughter to come to our home, then go back to him. I am not a counselor or therapist. Anything I said, was the wrong thing, would set her off into a rant of how I “just don’t understand.” The last time she asked me to come home, was after my husband passed. Mind you, on the [I]day of spreading his ashes,[/I] she invited her friends over to my home unbeknownst to me. They were all drinking. She and her boyfriend ended up arguing and he hit her. It was an ugly, trailer trash culmination of the ultimate disrespect of my heart, health and home, as well as treading proverbial $#!+ all on the eve of laying her father to rest. Police were called, and she refused to press charges! Talk about anger and disgust. Then, a few days after, she came back and hugged me, [I]not apologizing for the fracas, [/I]but saying she was going to leave him and wanted to come home. I took a deep breath and said no. It was not easy. [I]This was a pattern that had to change.[/I] Nothing changes, if nothing changes. I told her that I loved her very much, but that she did not get the help she needed in my home, that she needed to get to rehab, to go to a dv shelter. It broke my heart, but it was true. Love says no. No, I will not be dragged into this sickness. No, I will not continue to be sucked into the chaos and drama. It is hard to say no, when it feels like you are turning your back on someone you love. In reality, I was facing my daughter, with the truth. I was telling her that I was not going to put up with the crazy anymore and neither should she. She went back. They are not together now. This is all complicated with drug addiction and three children. As far as I know, he is homeless and using, she is somewhere out there, gone no contact. I have not heard from her in almost a year. My grands live with their paternal grandparents. She called me last year, wanted me to drop everything, help her take my grands “to a shelter with her.” I knew she was not stable. I called my grands and asked them if they wanted to go with their mom. The answer was “no way”. They had enough. I have had to give this all to God, it is too much for me to bare alone. In the years that this was all brewing, I relied heavily on a friend at work to tell my woes to. She encouraged me to seek professional help. I was drowning in the hellish whirlpool of it all. The therapist looked at me, after my long venting and point blank said “You are an enabler.” It was as if I was shot in the heart. She explained to me that I had no control over both of my daughters choices, be it drugs or violent relationships. That I couldn’t help them, if they were not ready or willing to help themselves, that I could no longer have them in my home, jeopardizing my young son and myself. Boom. All of those years putting myself, my own home on the side, trying desperately to fix something that was not mine to fix. All of those despicable incidences we were all dragged into flashed before me. I went home and told my husband that I was done being rescue Mom and grandma. It took awhile for me to come out of the spell of it. Thinking I could save my daughter from her own choices. Pulling back from the emotional roller coaster. I am working constantly at taking my life back. Trying with all of my might to live with peace and joy. The hard part of letting go, is after years of trying to rescue our beloveds, [I]we neglect ourselves.[/I] Many write here of how they cannot live well, if their adult children are out there ruining their own lives. There is no sacrifice we can make of our peace and health, that will bargain for our adult children’s choices. I have come to feel that the way to help my two is by praying for them to come to their senses. I also feel that leading by example is so important. What we wish most for our adult children is that they be healthy, live productive and joy filled lives, make good choices and care for themselves. We can help them see the value of this, by modeling it, ourselves. Self love and care is not selfish, it is imperative for our well being. Keep posting Wish, it helps to get it out. At the same time, build your strength and knowledge. Be very kind to yourself and work at switching your focus to what you can control. That is, [I]what the rest of your life looks like.[/I] We cannot control or change what our adult children decide. We can, however, look at our own involvement, see unhealthy patterns and change our own emotional reactions and action. I apologize for the lengthy post. It is something that hits me deeply, domestic violence is despicable and drags everyone into the darkness of it. You matter Wish, your health and peace of mind and heart, matters. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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