Feeling down

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
I have posted here quite often about my adult son who is an alcoholic. The roller coaster is exhausting. Sober, relapse, repeat- just a never ending circle it seems.
He can never make it past 3 months. This last time was 72 days.
He seems like he is managing the drinking yet. Working from home, drinking, smoking his weed, relationship with girl seems fine... So, when he goes back to work in a few weeks I don't know what will happen.
The reason for my post is I seen a post from a church friend on Facebook. She lost her son to a drug overdose. They didn't know he was using. He commuted from college and must have done drugs and then never woke up. She confided in me about this. Not everyone knows the "why" behind his passing. In the post on facebook, she said she was doing her dishes and seen a cardinal on their deck. She felt it was him and then she was going through some old things and found the last Mother's Day card from her son. In there is said, "My gift to you is enough hugs and kisses for eternity". The irony in this. Anyway, that is why my post. What did I do wrong? I honestly don't have one good happy memory about my son from middle school on up. I never received a card or gift from my son. The one Mother's Day- he supposedly got me flowers (or so he sad) and because I wouldn't allow him to have a party with booze at our home he showed me the flowers and told me that they were going to be thrown out because I wouldn't allow a party. I didn't cave. I remember everything. All the curse words, all the lies, the yelling, the drunkenness, the booze bottles everywhere, the mattress that was constantly urinated on in his sleep, the calls with him crying that he messed up again, the calls where he couldn't find his keys, etc. I remember sitting and crying because he was drunk and refused to get help and he stood there and laughed hysterically at me pointing at me and asking me what my problem was... Just ugly memories. I still have my son, my friend does not. She is left with loving memories. She said he never left home without giving her a hug and kiss.
I must have really screwed up. We were once so very close and then puberty hit, depression and anxiety which led to booze and a new circle of friends.
Sorry for the long post. Just sad that I can't even look back at memories. All I remember is the last 10 years being filled with booze, weed, etc. He left home 4 years ago and moved far away. I have not seen him in 17 months and that is okay. I can't even bring myself to hear his voice. He did call the other week and my husband said he sounded great. I can tell he is back to drinking by the silence. The texts that are only because he needs to ask a question about health insurance. A mother knows.

I know everyone is different. Just don't get how unloving he is towards us. We were a loving family.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi and sorry for the pain. Why even ask what you did wrong? Nothing.

Some of our kids have negative personalities and we can't do to change that. Maybe the other woman's son had a sunnier personality.

In the end, he was an addict too and is now gone. So very sad .

It is not equally easy to raise each child. I know this for a fact. Some you can't please. Some were that way from infanthood, like Kay. Some seem to change in the teen years, very common. We can only work with who we have been given. I don't think it has anything to do with us. Please stop blaming yourself. Your son has a more dour personality, like Kay always had. She was always angry. She seemed born angry. Nothing that made my other two happy ever made her happy.

Give yourself a break. You, like all of us, did your very best. Your son is not doing HIS best. His fault.

God bless you.
 

ChickPea

Well-Known Member
I honestly don't have one good happy memory about my son from middle school on up.
I have very little, too. I can find some, but they are littered in between some very hurtful and sad ones. When my daughter was pregnant she was sober (I hope? I think?), but still had criminal thinking. She hid it well.

...the mattress that was constantly urinated on in his sleep
This has happened to us on multiple occasions. I only mention it so you know you're not alone.

I can tell he is back to drinking by the silence... A mother knows.
Isn't it strange how that is?

I'm so sorry for you --or anyone-- going through this. @BusynMember said her child was angry, always angry. Our situation is similar. We have other children, and there are parts that remind me they are siblings, but there's just something different about our D.C.

Hugs to you. It's not you. I can tell you that - but I know how hard it is to really allow it an bring peace.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I'm so sorry for your pain.

I remember when we were going through the bad times with our son. He was a very good boy and a joy then teenage years and anxiety and depression set in and then drug use. Same as you. This went on for a long time and at one point he actually took my badge and snuck into my office in the middle of the night and took his anxiety medications that I kept there so he would not overdose. He also took my work credit card while there and filled up his friends car with gas and then snuck back in and replaced it. When I found out I was mortified! I was shaking so badly. I felt I was in a nightmare. I was so afraid my boss would find out and I would get fired. Luckily I was able to tell the girl in accounting that I accidentally used the card for my gas (as I had said I kept it in my wallet which I never did) and she said she'd done that and I just repaid the money.

When I called my husband and told him and said "how can he do this" my husband said "maybe he's just a bad seed; some people are just bad". We had just given up hope on him at that time because it was one thing after another. The son I knew was gone forever. I mourned it like a death. I just wanted to be away from him. Honestly.

That is about the time I found this site and started taking better care of myself and my marriage and just let him be. I went to a therapist and learned detachment. When he was 20 we sent him away to go to sober living in Florida. That was a long and difficult journey for all of us but I continued to pray and finally he went to a faith based program for 13 months and he finally matured and changed. I know it was a miracle because I thought he would be a lifelong criminal because that is the way he was heading.

I thank God every day for the miracle that is now my son. Keep believing and praying and take care of yourself. It does sound like your son is trying. Things do not happen on OUR timetable.

:staystrong::notalone:
 

louise2350

Active Member
All children are different from each other and even though raised in the same household do not all turn out the way we
hope they will be. My oldest daughter, when growing up, gave me a beautiful jewelry box with the engraving that said "The Greatest Compliment Anyone will Ever Give Me Is To Say I Remind Them Of You. I Love You". Now I could never imagine my d.d. giving me such a highly complimentary gift. My d.d. was always looking for ways to say she wasn't treated as good as my other two daughters. An example is: One day the d.d asked me if she was "planned" when I had her. I had always talked honestly to my children and told her I was surprised when I became pregnant with her, but have always been happy I've had her even through the bad times. After she heard I hadn't planned her (I hadn't "planned" my first daughter either) she went into a self-pitying mode of saying she wasn't planned therefore wasn't wanted, etc. I couldn't believe her reaction to this so said "Oh, for goodness sake - do you think after my mother had 7 kids and then got pregnant with me (Number 8) had said to my father after having 7 kids, "lets have number 8?" My daughter had no response to that remark from me. I never once thought that I wasn't wanted but I'm sure my mother must've been overwhelmed with 7 never mind having me number 8 at 43 years old. My first daughter whom I didn't "plan" either never once asked me or felt that she wasn't wanted because she wasn't "planned". This story is just an example of how my d.d. (in her thinking) was always looking for ways to accuse me of short-changing her. All kids are different and come with their own personalities. It doesn't mean you were a bad parent - it's their choices that lead them to their future - good or bad - healthy or unhealthy. Hope this helps a bit.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering.

Just to share, I have never received a b-day card or mother's day card or present directly from my sons either. When they were younger my husband would get a card and present (sometimes) and they would sign it but not a card ever from either of them on their own. It hurts, I understand and it takes a lot of convincing ourselves but it's not us.

My younger son did always have trouble in school because of his ADHD and anxiety which wasn't diagnosed at the time but the older son was well behaved, never outspoken, never got in trouble. It was like a light switch turned on when they turned 18 yrs. old and things have never been the same. Much of what you've expressed going through has been my story too. My therapist had told me that often times when our children hit puberty and up to around 20 is the age they may begin experiencing personality disorders, anxiety and the like which often leads to drugs or alcohol use to cover what they can't control, which then as we all know, becomes an addiction.

That helped me to accept this a little bit better because like you I always thought it was something as a parent I did or didn't do but in reality it was something within them that manifested itself around that age.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and thoughts. It is a comfort to me and really does help. My son has a full time job and works from his apartment through this pandemic. I feel that isolation didn't help him with his sobriety. In the state he is in, they actually stated they were not allowed to go out side except to the store.. I find that hard to comprehend but then I did hear on the news that a father was arrested for taking his son and wife to the park to throw ball. Just can't believe people are not allowed to go to the park as a family in his state. Sad.

He sent me a text last night telling me about a guy asking him how he learned what he knows in his position at work. (He works with insurance and retirement plans). In the text he said the guy had 20 years experience in the field and state that he was no where near knowing all my son knows after only 5 years in the position. I replied that he always did retain things and that he was blessed to have that gift. Even in college he never had to study, just listened in class and he could take the exams. He didn't reply until today and then he said the guy had 15 years experience...
So right away, my radar goes up... Last night 20 years but now 15 years.... He is very sharp at work but yet doesn't seem that way when he converses with me. I feel he had drink in him but I am not certain.

So, did most of you notice that when they are back to drinking, that they become more silent? It is like us moms can just feel it when they relapse.
 
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